Depression, can't go on much longer

Mental health
1

20 years old, struggling with depression for my whole childhood starting off from being bullied and has just totally ruined my life for 6 years. Depression runs in my family which you think would be good but it isn't when they are all in denial.

I now suffer from extreme anxiety, social phobias, severe depression and the list goes on..

I'm posting here as I'm past the point of trying and wanting to even deal with this anymore, nothing has helped me, I have a dysfunctional family which cause me more hurt every day and no friends or anybody who even begins to understand how I feel. 

I deal with it by totally shutting off my emotions, to the point of where family members have died and I show absolutely no emotion towards their death and almost don't care? I have no absolutely  no motivation towards anything and find myself just laying down all day..

The only thing that is keeping me alive is the fact I want a family of my own that I can do my absolute best for and give them the life I never had.. Without that idea in my head and doing well in college I think I would have totally given up by now and probably have been committed..

I have overwhelming thoughts of suicide everyday which is about the only thing I am able to control, it can ruin my life but I won't let it take it. My mood changes are becoming more extreme to the point of where something as simple as somebody looking at me in a smug way could put me into depression for weeks.

You know what's worse? I have travelled all the way to Australia in the hope I could snap my self out of this but now find myself stuck half way across the world more alone and depressed than I have ever felt in my entire life, I have a visa to stay here for a year and I've barely lasted a week.. I had to force myself to be able to fly out here and it has made my fear of talking even worse even though I thought it would help..

I just need any advice or hope of how I can deal with this, I lived with the idea that time is a healer but it is most certainly not in my case, sorry for the long post but thanks for reading if you made it this far but I needed to get it off my chest..

I plan on therapy when I get back but having another month of being alone and being as low as I feel is going to make things worse..

2

I have took so much abuse from people and my family when I was younger that I have a warped view of myself. I have absolutely no confidence, lowest opinion of myself and pretty sure I have body dysmorphia and starting to get a bit of an eating disorder from being abused because I was overweight when I was young..

I have no dad and my mum has severe depression and has moved out of the house and left me with my step dad, apart from him I have nobody and even he doesn't full understand me..

sad

3

Im sorry to here that I was bullied at school to the point I was suicidal I never finished my education because of it and I still carry the scars with me today and I am 34 but i have one on to have a son who I have custody of I fought for him and won my point is I struggled for years after school but I realised I was the one who had to make a choice let my depression beat me or I beat it and I beat it now it doesn't affect me as much but I just recently went into another bout of depression because I broke up with my girlfriend who I was completely in love with but guess what im getting over that to because I wont let it win I hate being hurt and feeling like I have hit rock bottom and I am the only one to get myself out of it the unfortunate thing is it takes time so keep your spirits up find a great thing to focus on and do it when I was old enough after school I got work and focused on that made some good friends along the way to the I see it dont let it beat you 

hope I bave helped message me anytime on here because you are not alone people will always listen 

4

This is beyond me being able to decide I want to beat this  anymore, I am completely drained.

I'm 20 years old and haven't experienced any sort of happiness other than being a kid which I can't remember anyway..

I don't even know how to explain how I feel, like I said the only thing keeping me going is the hope of having a family of my own.. 

I have to put on an act of being happy and joke around when I am dead inside and feel nothing. Surely I deserve something.. Anything..

5

We all deserve to be and feel happy but it doesnt just fall from the sky you have to make it happen sounds like you have given up if I had given up when I was bullied I wouldn't be here but I decided to beat it and I know you xan

6

Can do the same you just have to believe in yourself that you can your in Australia go out and take it in because it could be the best thing you have ever done nobody knows you over there so you can be who you want to be take this opportunity and totally enjoy it I know how you feel believe me I do

7

dont read the first page but go through the site it has helped me maybe it can help you 

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8

I don't even know how to reply, I have given up and close to breaking point.. I think I could manage if I had at least one person that I could talk to about how I feel or just get something off my chest when it bothers me, posting what I did earlier is a way of getting things off my chest.

My anxiety and phobia of talking or being near people stop me from being able to do anything, it may sound silly but I physically can't bring myself to do it.

I am holding into the last hope that therapy or anti depressants will work, if not I don't think I can do this for much longer

9

Where in Australia are you? I could hook you up with some friends if you're near Sydney? I know that's completely missing the point of your post. But I went there, I have anxiety depression etc. and I had a great time. When I first got there it sucked. I felt alone and rubbish. But the people there are very open minded and friendly, there isn't the same class system we have in the UK etc. 

Go to a bar and talk to some people. If you don't surf, learn to, it's the best antidepressant in the world. 

I'm not sure if this has been helpful. I hope so though.  You have an opportunity to experience so much, just talk to people there, try some new things. You'll probably make life long friends, and certainly have experiences you won't forget. Stick it out, honestly.  Talk to strangers and pretend to have fun, hopefully eventually you will. 

10

Staying in cairns at the minute, I started off in a hostel but felt so low I had to just check myself into a hotel where I am now.

I thought being around people my age who are relaxed would snap me out of it but it's made me worse knowing even that won't work.

I came here with a friend who I've had to leave to do his own thing as I keep having mood changes and I don't feel I should ruin it for him, not sure what I can do..

11

Yeah try therapy if you need to just write it all out send me it and if I reply then I think I could help if not you have at least got if off your chest and ouy in the open 

12

I'm now worrying my post may have sounded unsympathetic. But you managed to get on a plane and go there, now force yourself to go out and socialise. I know beer isn't the answer but it sure helps!  Just talk to some random people, I promise you you will have fun. And if anyone can be open-minded and understanding if you want to talk it's the Aussies. I am going to give another piece of advice, which may be criticised, but I often find distracting myself, and forgetting my problems is the best medicine. 

13

I agree Jake.  You are probably feeling homesick as well which is natural.  I don't know what time it is in Aussieland but get up,  paste a smile on your face and go out for a walk anywhere - it doesn't matter.  Go and sit on a bench and find someone to chat to about anything - small talk like what a lovely day this is (or in the UK moan about the rain lol).  You will feel less alone I promise.   You are never going to feel better sitting alone in your hotel room.  It will take courage but do it.  

Looking happy even when you are not will encourage positive reactions from others...  x

14

Oh I don't know how else I can explain how hard that is for me sad 

I don't even know how to reply, you are right but it's just something I can't do, I have so much bottled up inside and the past few weeks of being here has made me accept and realise I have a problem and need help. 

I often find myself coming to these sites when I am feeling really low to just get how I feel off my chest and to read about how others deal with their problems.

15

Try going sight seeing, then to cafés maybe to chat. The happiness won't happen instantly unfortunately (or you never know it might!) it will take a bit of effort.  You know the saying "do something every day that scares you" I think that's true. Try something new, learn to scuba dive, surf, or something simpler like do something you wouldn't normally do. Although personally I think terrifying yourself by going to a shop (one of the things I found difficult in the past during my worst times) is much less productive than distraction yourself entirely with scuba diving or surfing.  Something that is hard to do, like surfing, takes you completely out of your head.

16

Or go and help at the animal hospital or zoo. Also cool things to do that will give you purpose. 

17

Thats why I joined to try make sense of what I was going through yes I have been depressed before but it just felt so different this time just write it all out as if you're talking to someone about it save it then go see a doctor and shiw him then he could point you in the right direction for treatment but enjoy your time in Australia because you dont want to look back and regret it if you dont grab the opportunity while you can you might realise your helping yourself without you even knowing about it

18

I already plan on coming back if I can sort myself out with therapy and anti depressants so I'm not worried about missing out. But that isn't the point I just need somewhere to come and  vent all of my problems when I'm feeling this low.

I guess it's how I cope when I have nobody else to tell how I feel sad

19

I know my advice is terrible, I have been stuck home alone for days!  My only concern is that you will regret not doing something to make the best of your experience, which really could be a great one. In terms of suicidal thoughts, what has often helped me through has been pretending in my mind I've done it, and that all the rest is borrowed time, so it takes the pressure off what may or may not happen... That might sound crazy! Of course now I'm in my thirties that's wearing a bit thin!! But I am glad I stuck around so far. I first wanted to off myself when I was 13, then when I was 19 then not until now, and I am so glad I didn't. 

20

We're all on here because we have problems of our own and its right strength in numbers works we all chip in to help each other so you're not alone on this site look how many replies you have had and we dont know you but we have in common is depression so we help however we can so feel free to message me anytime I will listen and reply if I think my advice can help in some way