feeling a burden.

Mental health
1

Hi there I'm a 24 year old mum of 1. Have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since I was around 5 years of age. Has got progressively worse since loosing my mum march 2011 to cancer.

I have bad health anxiety and every slight synptom I terrify myself and imagine myself in worst case scenario- This  happens on many days. I feel my anxiety is out of control. My fear of getting Ill is so intense that I have bad contamination ocd. ( showering approx 3 times a day, hand and clothes washing ) and I'm feeling exhausted and lost with everything. My mood changes dramatically and rapidly through the day. From very happy and chilled, to extremely anxious and worried, to angry, and so on.

I have a lovely family , partner and a beautiful 19 month old daughter. But I feel terribly guilty constantly for having this anxiety / panic and grief. I don't know where to turn. 

I want to avoid tablets if I can. I just want to be more care free. And to enjoy all the amazing things I have. I want to be told everything will be ok. I'm guessing things got worse since loosing my mum. I'm just confused and terrified of letting my family down sad 

2

Hello emma

I no exactly how you feel 

I lost 3 people in 7 months of cancer 2 was very close they was my nan and grandad since then ive suffered bad anxiety everything that happens i convince my self i have cancer and im dieing i went docs so many times im in councilling atm..i to didnt want tabs as thats not curin it thats a tab makin u happy id rather solve prob but sounds silly someone said to me cassie if u had cancer what will worring do it wont cure it and they said you will spend your hole life worring u wont never enjoy life and since then ove had odd moments but nothing like i was when i think bad i distract my self and say its in your head cass move on and then i do and im fine its hard i no but you got take control my lympth nodes are up in neck and elbow i convinced my self i had cancer and was going to die there still up now but doc says not to worrie so im not and stay off google that sent me crazie with fear lol im so sorry of loss of your mum x

3

dear emmamia,

you must be worn out with all that showering and washing.  I do think losing your mum must have had a big impact.  Sometimes life events like that can make your own problems seem 10 times worse.  This health anxiety may or may not be linked to Mums demise but from reading other blogs on this it must be very hard.

My thoughts are with you.

Richard

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Sorry to hear about your mom! This is an immense loss, but you got your whole life ahead of you. Don't let it go by...it's hard, I know. I too have battled with health anxiety and anxiety in general.

I didn't want to take meds either, but at the time I was in such a bad place, the only way to deal with it was take the meds. 

I also went through therapy, read books and I learnt a lot about it.

Did you try any form of therapy? CBT, mindfulness?

I really hope you are feeling better! And don't google any of your symptoms. I learnt this the hard way!

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Hi Emma,

 

I am now 64 and have suffered this since age 9,not as bad now as it was,I think it's worse the younger you are,so understand your feelings very well.

I lost my dad in 2011 oddly enough,Esophagus cancer,I nursed him during his last 4 days at home,it was terrible,and like you,his death hit me hard,even at my age then,which was 61.

I have really just got over it,having been very down,sad,suicidal as well,so I know how you feel.

But you are not letting anyone down at all,and you will recover,but more time is needed,if tablets are offered for your anxiety then there is no harm in trying them,some people get by without,others get too reliant,I am in between,currently I am on 600mg Pregabilin,which are very good for me.

I now have Barretts Esophagus,a possible precursor to Esophagus cancer same as mum and dad,however I stay positive,and try not to let the anxiety take over and render me fearful and depressed,I just want to prove to myself that i can beat whatever is thrown at me,if I lose,then so be it,life's just too short.

I wish you well,stay strong and keep on believing!

Regards Malc

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Thankyou both so much. Really appreciate the quick response. Never knew these forums existed until an hour ago! I am so gkaf to have found them already!

I'm sorry Cassie about the people you've lost! Its so hard isn't it. No one gives u a book on how to deal with death and how to grieve. Suppose it a different path for everybody though. I always have lymph nodes up too, so you're not alone there! ( doc says they're harmless )

  

 

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Sorry I hadn't finished! 

Yes and also Cassie I would say to stay away from internet as you always diagnose yourself with something. If anything stick to nhs ones he he. Sending you lots of love and healing thought s though xxxxxx

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Thanks Richard that means a lot. I'm so glad I four d this forum. I really appreciate it. I feel I may have been destined to be a worrier I just feel I need to get it controlled a little better. But this is why I came here to chat to people like you. A problem shared is a problem halved smile thanks for your kind words xxxx

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Hi Irina thanks so much for the post! Really appreciate it! I try and refrain from Internet as I have really scared myself doing this haha! 

I have started CBT therapy although my therapist is off sick ( little ironic I know ) so I've had a very long break from it. But hoping to get back on track soon! Just really needed to talk to someone. Thanks for your kind words. Hope u r having a nice evening xxxxxx

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I forgot to mentioned. I nursed my mum through her cancer and the memories of her being extremely poorly are haunting me and I can't seem to remove those images and replace them with all the memories we had tovether . we were very much best friends xxx

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You can always come here if you need to talk to someone. Everyone here has dealt with anxiety and we all know what it feels like.

I've read many posts here, and it helps to know I'm not alone. 

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Hi there Malcolm. Firstly thanks for taking the time to message. What a long time you've had to cope with this anxiety.

So sorry to hear about your dad..its hard no matter what age you are. To loose a parent is just awful. I too nursed my mum through her sickness with chemotherapy and when she came to the end of her life ( can't seem to erase those memories ) 

I'm sorry to know you've been so down and suicidal but also so happy for you that you're feeling a bit brighter recently! Well done you that's great!!!!

Sorry to hear your not in perfect health, bit as you just said....you can beat whatever is thrown at u!!!! And I believe it! I can tell! Just keep doing an amazing job!!!!! 

I just want to get to a point where I can accept what's happened and move on and be a little more level headed!! 

Thanks so much for your kind words. Really appreciate it xxxxx

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Absolutely. What an amazing site this is. Thanks again. Wish you good health and happy days xxxx

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Thankyou so much. Really appreciate the quick response. Never knew these forums existed until an hour ago! I am so glad to have found them already!

I'm sorry Cassie about the people you've lost! Its so hard isn't it. No one gives u a book on how to deal with death and how to grieve. Suppose it a different path for everybody though. I always have lymph nodes up too, so you're not alone there! ( doc says they're harmless )

  

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Yes and also Cassie I would say to stay away from internet as you always diagnose yourself with something. If anything stick to nhs ones he he. Sending you lots of love and healing thought s though xxxxxx

16

Hi Emma,

Thank you for your kind words,means a lot,lost my mum with Esophagus cancer too,double whammy really,but what can you do.

My anxiety actually started with being abused at a tender age,then having to live with mum's drinking,she was an alcoholic,but also clinically depressed most of her life,but never saw a doctor until a week before she died,not the best of starts.

It is so hard to forget those torrid times when our folks were ill,dad was 3 stone when he died,I saw some sights I wish I'd never seen,but during his last days things he said and did,restored my faith in some form of afterlife,it was sad,yet beautiful at the end.

But hard to take for sure,you too have been through it,all credit to you,you are stronger than you think,and I am certain you will see better days,it will take its course.

We on this forum are brethren,struck down by an unseen yet ever present malady that strikes at your core,time and time again,yet with suffering comes understanding(it will happen),yet we should never forget our loved ones,hard to accepy,yes,but accept we must,I sincerely wish you all the very best in your struggle to find meaning in all this,but it is so damned hard at times,you may message me any time you feel the need,I will try to help you through,all I ask is that you will do the same for me in time of need.

You take care now!

Yours Malc

17

IH my word you've had to deal with a lot. I'm sorry for that. But like you are saying.... You have to take the kufe you're handed and deal with it the best way possible.

I do hope your health improves or at least stays the same and not get any worse. I really do. 

Yes always here to talk. Hope you've had a good day!

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Sorry lots of spelling mistakes in last post! Its been a long day! I'm ready for a nap! Haha!

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Hi Malcolm it's me tracieann from barretts website forum did.t know you have anxiety rolleyes depression too like me you are so positive and should be very proud of how you cope lots of hugs x

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Hi there Tracieann,

Thanks love,yep had a load of bad stuff going down over the years,but got through,I've always took the rough with the smooth as best I can,but been a struggle at times,all what's happened makes me feel tainted,and I know that there will be lows again for sure,but got to see it through.

Feel good at moment with Barretts and nerves/anxiety,but cycling 15 miles a day is helping a lot,sleeping very well too,fitness and sleep is key for me,I can take on the world when I'm fit.

I hope you are doing well,nice to know we are very similar in the way life has dealt its cards,and I offer you hugs back,and please keep in touch,you are my soul sister and I love to hear from you.

LOL Malc