I think you should get out and spread your wings you are 26 u should be going out and haveing a good time look into getting your own place getting a decent career if your mum and never had you to look after sibling what would they do your parents should allow you to get a life don't they want grandkids you need to look after number 1 which is yourself do they pay you to look after your sibling and to clean the house
Hi
do you have any chance of getting a form of income to live on your own? It's easy to say to get out but one thing to do so with no income especially if you feel low and miserable as it's hard to find the determination and energy to do so. Maybe help with feeling like that and someone to chat to might help. I agree with Helen just marrying to get out is as glum as living with someone you don't love etc will be miserable, I'm sorry to be blunt but I think it's true. It's so sad how you feel as we only live once, my dad died suddenly when I was young of heart attack and so it's taught me to try not to let miserable things bring me down. Your dad sounds like he is in charge at work and so is the same controlling way at home.
I agree. Marriage is not the answer. Certainly not a marriage which is a means to escape
The sad thing is the earning power of women, even in this day and age unless one has high qualifications, is abysmal compared to that which men can earn
The ability to support oneself is freedom at it's very best. So many women are trapped in loveless mariages or unhappy relationships because they cannot make it on their own, especially when children are involved
And fear cements us. We fear the unknown, the uncertainty of change. Fear of making a mistake
She has never had a life outside of her family as such. It's a huge leap after all these years, to break away
I could be wrong, but financial dependency is like the Sword of Damocles hanging over some peoples heads
I hope she can find a means, however much deviousness it requires upon her part, to make a new and better life for herself. Because at the moment she merely exists, tied by the whims of her parents.
Yep Helen so true, women give up work to bring up children and unfortunately years down the line self esteem and self supporting oneself has gone and yeah fear of poverty if you leave. I think this is very common problem as well once children leave home after years of marriage, but that's another thread for another forum 
You need to live your life, sometimes we may need to walk away. They cannot, should not place all of this on your head
I eventually walked away and disappeared, that was five years ago and now we have a nice retirement with no family concerns to worry about.
You live your life WW 3 or not
BOB
I completely agree, i know i mentioned being unable to date however i am in love with a very supportive man who has been so patient during my situation and helped me with the plan. I see him here and there when i am able to get out for a bit. Yesterday thanks to my plan i got to spend the day talking with him about how we are going to meet each others parents and make it official. Im ready to start my life with him. I am worried about how i am going to tell them. I can reopen my business anytime i just need the freedom to do so. Fortunately money is not an issue here. My strict father is. Im tired of being trapped and hiding something that should be great news (finding my soulmate). How on Earth do I tell him :s i have no idea how he will react.
Oh, that's wonderful news!
I am so happy for you
Now don't let this love/this opportunity slip through your fingers!
You have a right to a fullfilled life.
Your fear of your father is sad. What will he do? What can he do? He can hardly lock you in the house can he?
You cannot sacrifice the chance of a normal life for fear of your parent's anger. And if money is not an issue then why not get a small apartment, leave home, reopen your business and start living your life, start dating your man properly as opposed to sneaking around like a thief in the night.
Take a leap of faith
Break free
You are not a teenager anymore. Your parents have sucked the life and willpower out of you, I'm sorry to say, as this might hurt you and I have no desire to do that, far from
But in a sense they have stolen many of your young years
Don't let them steal your future
Hugs
Helen
Thank you so much Helen you're so understanding, my partner has his own house so moving out is very much an option however there are so many consequences i fear such as being disowned, losing contact with my sibling and mother because of my dads reaction, my relatives getting involved etc. i know its the best thing to do and would allow me to start living and earning but i want to first try and reason with my father and tell him and he see if we can come to an understanding, he has no grounds to deny me marriage especially when the man is willing to meet them and support me. I guess the question now is how does one introduce their partner to strict parents? I must prepare for quite the interrogation.
Exactly! How am i supposed to start my own family if im too terrified to even tell them about my partner. Its unfair to make us both wait for the 'perfect time' as there never will be one.
No they both have spending problems and my dad has got us into a huge debt. I get a government allowance to help me as i look for work only problem is my dad doesnt want me to look for work and just leach off the allowance and even help them out with paying bills here and there.
I can understand you fear losing you close and extended family by being disowned. The very notion is heartbreaking
But you know, you deserve a normal life. What is the alternative? Do you stay home, obediant, looking after your sibling and doubtless, in the fullness of time, looking after your parents?
There comes a time when one's children go out into the world, like birds flying the nest...it's called freedom, dear. Most parents, though sad of heart, when they leave home, want above all else for their offspring to live a happy, fullfilled life. I say this as a mother myself.
Love our parents as we do, we do not owe them anything. No adult child should feel obligated towards a parent. No parent should make an adult child feel guilty.
We love our children. They are the most important things in our lives. The reason my heart beats is for my sons. But we have to set them free with a smile and with our blessings and they can go, safe in the knowledge that they will always have a home to come back to
I suggest you have your young man call at the house and together you break the news to your parents. Don't be intimidated. Don't be swayed by threats of being disowned. Stand firm, however much anger is thrown at you.
And if the reaction is as unpleasant as you fear, be prepared to leave, right there and then, with your young man.
If you allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed then you will end up with nothing. You fear of your father will have proved stronger than your love for your man.
You will not have a life, just an existance that is not normal and the years will make you bitter.
Grab your happiness
Have courage!
Hugs Helen xx
I have chances but im too terrified to pursue them. I have copped a lot of emotional abuse for my depression from my father. The person i am eager to marry is the most loving supportive person i have ever met he has been with me through all the ups and downs.
That is exactly the case, my father is in control of everything even at work and expects the same in every new situation. He has even fought with doctors at the hospital where they have literally told him to go home because he was picking on every little thing they do and say. He made so many reports they almost made us transfer to a different hospital.
Dear me!
After reading that I could cry
It has made me change my opinion. You are obviously emotionally and mentally crushed by your father's tyrannical control issues
If you had any sense you'd pack a bag and all your belongings and get the hell out of their and run as fast as you can to your young man's house....And never look back!
You poor thing!
You have a beautiful and inspiring way of putting things into perspective for me, thank you. That is a good suggestion and you're right the consequences of melting away between four walls under their commands will just send me into a downward spiral. I cant afford to lose anymore confidence ive had enough of being treated like a child, this opportunity is a sign to move on and grow. I will give it my best shot and make sure im prepared for the worst. Hopefully I'll talk to them sometime soon when they are in a good mood.
You give me hope and courage, lots of love.
Be strong! The rest of your life, your future happiness is dependant upon that.
We find courage when we need it the most, please believe that!
Have faith.
There is much at stake here. To find someone who loves and supports you is a wonderful thing. Don't allow that to slip through your fingers for fear of your father.
Think of all the years ahead
Do you fill them with subservience? Do you go from one day to the next, seeing your youth, the opportunity for love, children, a normal life slip further and further away?
Do you see yourself down those years? Looking back at the waste of it all?
Or do you grab at life, at love, at the chance of normality?
Be brave
Life is a gift
Love an added bonus
Don't let it all go to waste or one day you will end up alone and lonely
I send hugs Helen
Those are some great points i can bring up when i tell them, thank you so much.
Xx
Update: i feel like my heart is going to fail, my dad does not approve of my new man even though he hasnt given him a chance to meet him, my dads reasons being that he thinks hes ugly, not worthy of me because he doesnt have a degree (even though he is financially stable, has bought his own house and is very hard working), and because he has never heard his family name before -.-
My mum has been very supportive on the other hand, and was happy for me. My dad now wants to hold a gathering with his parents my parents and both my grandparents from each side just to interrogate the hell out of the poor guy and decide for me if i can see him or not.
I cannot see this going well and i think i am eventually going to get to the stage of having to move out without their permission. I cant take this stress anymore i lost 6kg in 4 days from loss of appetite and loose bowels caused by anxiety.
Im absolutely terrified, what other options do i have.
Hello there sweetie
I think it grossly unfair to expect your young man and his family to go through a grilling by gathered family members
Your father is gathering support to apply pressure upon you to browbeat you into submission so that you remain the compliant, subserviant doormat he has moulded you into
You have to ask yourself this
Is your man strong enough to withstand this pressure?
Are you strong enough?
This is crunch time. Now you face the decision and make a wise choice because your whole future depends upon it
If your father manages to make your man walk away from you and your future together, then bear in mind, he will be able to get rid of anyone who comes along and wants to marry you with his bullying tactics
In my opinion if you throw away this chance then you have to be prepared to spend the rest of you life under your father's roof and under his thumb
No one can tell you what to do
This must be your decision
Were it me I would pack my bags and just go, get out and have a normal life. You are 26 not sixteen, a grown woman, and like most women doubtless you want love, children, a home of your own and some measure of independance
I hope you can find it in you to summon the courage. Already your health is suffering
Life lays ahead. What you fill the future with rest entirely with you
Many hugs Helen
Thank you for your fast replies lovely, means a lot. You hit the nail on the head, he knows his father will also disagree and so he is getting him involved as well as my mums parents in order to intimidate the guy.
That is true my dad told me today to let go of this man and to let him choose a husband for me, someone with lots of money and good looks. This is not what i want and i stood up to him saying ultimately it is up to me to decide. Shortly after more arguments he pressed his arms onto my shoulders and says 'you are only thinking of this' and pinched my private area, "and this" then pinched my breasts. Tears strolled down my face as i thought how can such a man possibly offer me advice on what a good man is when he is far from one himself.
The courage is slowly building to get away from this madness however im terrified, i hope if it ever comes to that my mother and sibling can forgive me.
This is going to be a long journey but you're right when you say this will only continue if i let him have his way. I deserve happiness not misery, and i will not settle for fake love.
Xox
The longer you procrastinate the swifter any courage you have will disappear.
That your father should refer to any physical desire you might feel towards your man, is totally outrageous, and doubtless was humiliating for you at the time.
Never feel ashamed of natural feelings. Or allow anyone else, especially your father who has no right to speak of them, to make you feel ashamed either
It will only be a long journey if you make it so
It is entirely up to you
But remember,"He who hesitates is lost "
Stay or go?
Now is the time to decide
Hugs Helen