Im 26 living with my parents. I was forced to quit my job & studies to be fulltime carer for my sibling. I am going crazy being at home every day in isolation. My situation has forced me to have no social life as my parents depend on me for so much. They get to go to work, get out of the house and go get things but i am unable to do so. I get no break from these 4 walls. My car is breaking down and they wont help me get it repaired or sold or take it anywhere. I cry everyday. I also wake up with a pounding heart every morning from anxiety and because my parents are always fighting and get angry when they see me down. None of my friends understand my pain and most have ditched me because i can never hang out. I feel like im in prison in my own home its absolute torture all i do is chores everyday and get told off if im feeling upset or go on my phone for too long. If i need to go somewhere like the shops or doctors i have to ask if i can go and get driven. I cant date anyone because i cant go out often. I have nothing to look forward to and i feel like stuck, lifeless. If i ask to see my friends my parents make me feel guilty like im selfish all i think about is myself. Im emotionally and physically drained by the depression and anxiety. I cant finish my degree because it requires fulltime attendance. I had to close down my business too which i worked so hard for and cant continue until my sibling can return to school which could take years. My depression is a result of this lifestyle and I dont know what to do.
Yes, you need to get out.. Can you go see a therapist to talk? Sometimes it's good to talk with a stranger.. Is your sibling a baby? If the sibling goes to school, you should be able to go to school. How about a night course? Or even on-line course.
Your parents sound like terrible people. If they can't even give you some time to hang out with your friends then I'm afraid you will have to get out of that place as soon as possible. Make some plans and get away from that place. You still have to experience life and now is the time to do that, not be confined as a prisoner.
I am very sorry to hear this, this does not sound fair to you. Can I ask what happened to your sibling that requires they have 24/7 care? I assume that insurance is not an option to pay for a caregiver?
I was thinking about it but i dont think a therapist will able to do much to help me. Plus i couldnt tell my parents im seeing one. They say that i stress them out and i should snap out of it. My sibling is 14 soon but has to stay out of public places due to supressed immunity. I was thinking along the lines of an evening or weekend job to get myself out for a bit but its so hard to find one.
I wish i could do just that but they dont allow me to move out unless im married. Plus they are so dependent on me. Its really a tough situation. Its come to a point where im too scared to ask them if i can go out because they have this way of comparing me to others and making me feel guilty and selfish for wanting to have fun. They dont understand how important a social life means to me and i dont know how to make them understand it when they dont value it.
chemotherapy for a year in hospital where we practically lived and i was doing my assignments there, doing grocery runs and coming to visit straight after work and class. Not to mention it was emotionally draining. Now we are home and I am the only caregiver my parents will use, so i had to leave behind everything so my parents can return to work and so i can clean cook and give medications. Plus we live far from relatives and friends which makes support even harder.
i'm sorry 
I can completely understand how emotionally draining that would have been for you and continues to be. My dad had terminal cancer for 10 years through my entire 20's (I am 33 now). Your parents are not being fair. This is your sibling ,not your child and your parents should want you to have as normal a life as possible. This is their responsibility toyour sibling and they need to hire a caregiver or atleast encourage you to go out and live a normal life outside of 'work hours' when they return home from their jobs and can relieve you. Have you had a discussion with them explaining how the current situation is affecting you? do you normally try to hold it together and be strong for them? maybe it's time they know the toll that this is taking on you. I'm thinking maybe you can atleast start by getting them to agree to certain days of the week that are your days to do with what you wish.
Get out of that environment, they are using you and it is up to Parents to look after their brood. Leaving you at home and not allowing you out is kidnapping or slavery. You need to make your own decisions and see your friends
You have lost your buisisness and are not allowed to better yourself at college, your family is using you and preventing you fulfilling your dream, none of this is fair all is very wrong. I geather you are in Africa, no matter where you are get out of there and chase your dreams.
This all sounds very wrong
BOB
Im so sorry to hear that and i admire and appreciate you supporting me after such an emotional experience. I get teary reading these comments because its so comforting finally being understood ive tried online counselling but it was no help. I think i am going to have to build up the courage to speak to them about all this regardless of how 'selfish' they accuse me of being. What makes it difficult is that they think i have 'the life' sitting at home and complain that they wish they could do that. They tell me things like we shouldnt be happy until we are content the cancer wont come back. But how can i be a good carer if i can barely care for myself from how depressed I am. Little do they know about the struggle, especially at my age, i havent travelled or got married like they have and ive gone from a busy rewarding lifestyle to having no routine, no hobbies, nothing to cheer me up. Yes everyday i try my best to hold it together for the whole family. You made a good point even if its just one day a week my family can agree to where i can just have the day out to myself i would finally feel some normality again. I will try to bring the topic up this week.
Yes it is very unfair. Im glad you agree, ive always had strict parents but i never thought they could be this heartless. The thought of speaking to them about it makes me so shaky because ive tried before and they either get angry or walk away and dont want to listen to me. Sometimes they'll say thats all i care about, they dont see all that ive given up for them and all that i do to support them. I once had to cancel a dinner with my friends because my father said 'what would people think if they see you out' 'this is not a time to be happy'. Even though all the results are good and clear of cancer. I dont see the benefit of me sitting at home depressed all the time. I like to be a positive person but they feed me so much anxiety.
I am in Australia. It would be world war 3 if i dared to ever leave home without their permission.
Thank you supportive online family that i never had, with your encouragement i have decided to take action. I came up with a detailed plan. I told them i have been accepted for a job one day a week. It is a lie i had to use to stop myself from wanting to die everyday. My mum was quick to believe and support me, however my dad did not allow it he went into interrogation mode and told me straight out 'no' 'dont do it its a waste of time the plan was for you to stay at home and live off goverment allowance'. He also mentioned its unsafe to travel to the job, completely disregarding that i used to travel often for night classes and day courses and work. He wasnt making any sense so I didnt stand for it and fought for my sanity. Its only one day a week but enough for me to have some sense of a break and normality again. Dont know why i feel so guilty and more scared than ever even though i deserve this break and they forced me to go to this length. My anxiety has hit an all time high i havent been able to eat or sleep, i hope it works out. Will keep this updated.
HI,
i hope your plan works for your own sanity. your dad sounds like a control freak and his attitutude of living on government allowance comes across that he hasn't had much of a drive in life himself and so doesn't understand that you want more than you currently have, as a parent myself to an only child who had moved three hours away with her work feel nothing more than happiness for her that she is doing what she wants. Yes I would love her to never grow up its been very hard for me adjusting but I see her about for a full weekend once a month and that's from supporting her in what she does your father will only drive you away in the end anyway as resentment building in very deeply. It isn't your job to look after your sibling but I do think in some cultures it does happen. They should be looking after her themselves or getting help from somewhere else,
Yes he is very much a control freak. He will look for absolutely any excuse to keep me at home where he can make me look after him as well as my sibling. My mum cant leave him to look after my sibling as he acts like he doesnt know how to prepare a meal. He is on a high salary and very intelligent, also a classic narcisstist, but acts like a baby at times.
Your daughter is very lucky to have a mother like you who is understanding supportive and is geniuinly happy so long as she is.
Yes in my case culture does have a strong influence on parent child relationships but still most dont have it this extreme.
Hi again.
sadly with narcissists there is no reasoning with them that's the problem, but I'm glad you have recognised this about him and know that it isn't your fault. I wonder if his parents were the same but to be having a high paid job he had done what he wanted to do could you not in talking to him mention this fact. You only live once so you need to try and find something for you away from the drudgery of being there.
Thank you for your comment about being a good Mum I think my daughter realises I've done what I can for her, I would walk through hot coals for her if I could. I would love to give your dad a talking to, he is just seeing to his own needs before anyone else's. Xx
Oh you poor thing!
Honestly I think you should make plans to literally "escape" that which is virtually a prison,
There is nothing selfish about a young woman wanting a life of her own and not to be used as a free carer
This has nothing to do with the love you might feel for your parents or sibling either so don't feel guilty. This is their child, not yours. It is their responsibility to care for/raise that child, not yours
Between them they are sucking the life out of you and unless you make the effort to get away your life will be dedicated to looking firstly after your sibling and then later on, your parents
I have to say I personally find them to be totally selfish. They are living their lives as they wish at the expense of yours
That's appalling
Most parents want the best life possible for their adult children. This is not the case with yours and that's sad
Find a job, a place to live and get out
Live your life because it is your life, not theirs.
Good luck
Helen
I wish someone would give him a good talking to, but as you said there is no reasoning with such a person. I know this because nurses at the hospital have called psychologists before to speak to him after seeing his irrational behaviour and reactions towards them too, unfortunately nothing changed.
I couldnt agree more with everything you mentioned, if only more people in my surroundings looked at it that way.
Hopefully i can do just that one day soon. It will definitely be a fight if i find someone to marry and move out with but ultimately worth it.
May I ask, is it a cultural/religious reason as to why you appear so obediant?
I am not being disrespectful and please, if you do not care to do so, don't respond
But marriage? Is that your only option?
Can you not find a small apartment, a job and then get out and make your own life?
I understand that would require an amount of subterfuge but it appears that would be your only option to live your own life and not one dictated to by your parents...especially your father.
I don't think anyone could turn your father around in his thinking.He is set solid. The way things are, life suits him, and he sees nothing wrong in sacrifycing your chance of a normal life so that he and your mother can live theirs as they wish
My advice?
Make plans
Get out if possible