I rarely post on here but am feeling so down and deep in a pit of negativity that I just need to moan a bit. I just feel so alone, unwanted and unloved that I can't summon up any energy or will to do anything about it. I don't care about myself or think I deserve anything better than living in a very messy flat, doing without hot water because my boiler is broken and I can't face sorting it out at the moment.
I am getting criticism from friends for forgetting everything they tell me coz my brain is all fogged up, and an online friend (not on here) has turned against me coz they researched my family tree for me and I promised to send her something she wanted and haven't. I wish Christmas was over and I wish I wasn't so alone.
Hypercat I really wish I could say something to make you feel even slightly better but the way I feel at the moment I can't even help myself.
I'm sick painting on a smile and pretending.
Like you, i forget everything, can't concentrate at all. I'm so deep in my grief and guilt I could easily end it all. I know I couldn't do that to my son and daughter though, it would kill them and ruin every Christmas for the rest of their lives and what kind of parent does that??
As I have said before, if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness then I would happily accept that!
I sympathise with u HyperCard, and yet I would trade places. I have someone, a wife. But she's not interested in helping me with my depression. I would sooner be alone given the chance....
I hate how i have to stay alive to keep others happy when I'm as miserable as sin. What about my happiness? Why can't I be allowed to end it and be with my parents and my beloved dog who died a couple of days ago? Those would make me happy, not this dam existence which isn't a life!
Give it a few days nel, your grieving for ur dog, who u clearly cherished. If u still feel the same in a couple of days, we will discuss future events.
I've been there, I am there really... The loneliness, the feeling unwanted, I feel unloved despite having people around me who do care. I just feel I'm never enough. I don't know there's a solution to that and like you said you don't want advice.
I also actually spent last winter without a boiler so spent months boiling kettles to bed bath my disabled partner, whilst on the rare occasion I could be bothered enduring a freezing cold shower for me. I know how it feels to lack motivation, then the guilt that comes with it, it's a cycle of despair and I really feel for you.
If your friend online is a true friend they should understand how debilitating this illness is and how, despite best intentions, we can't always fulfil our commitments.
I've seen a lot of posts on here recently where people are feeling even worse due to Xmas. I have to agree I wish it was over too. Maybe it's seeing everyone else so happy? Maybe the added pressure of trying to seem happy when we aren't.
I don't know.
But I know it's tough.
Hang in there my lovely, just over a week and the festive period will be over and hopefully we will all feel slightly less rubbish.
Its so sad to see so many sad people at this time of year. What causes it?Are any of you on meds if not why, its so hard to battle it out with nothing to help I went off my meds 12mths ago due to some long term side effects i was having but i am back on a new one now stillsad but seeing some mood improvement. You all sound like very caring people but maybe you have to care for yourself first, to be able to care for others. Be kind to yourselves you deserve it.
Hi Bev, I read so many of your replys to people and the time you spend giving others hope. Christmas does highlight so much sadness in peoples lives.
If we already feel lonely and unloved this is heightened too. I know myself as this is how I feel unloved and unworthy. Bev you are a unique person and deserve to be loved. Love yourself first easy i know. Don't be hard on yourself. Treasure the many people in your life and know that your one of them. Hugs xx
Your not moaning, you are sharing how you honestly feel. For that we are privileged as that means you view us as friends. You have given us so much help this year and without you, my dedpair would have plummeted me in a place I wouldn't have wanted to be.
The boiler situation must be annoying. I recall when my boiler broke and i was advised that it was beyond repair. I couldn't afford to buy a new one for months! I had to keep filling my bath with pots and pans....my poor old back ouch!! Try not to worry about your place being messy, the important focus right now is you. I too am looking forward to Christmas being over. .really puts too much pressure on people either suffering or recovering from depression. With the situation with your friend, she will know deep down that you would have sent her whatever it was, if you could of, and that you will send it when you feel well enough to do so. If she's your friend she will understand.
Now what are you going to do today that's going to make you feel a little better? (I'm posing myself the same question lol!)
You mean so much, to so many and I hope when reading this...you from the heart believe it.
You deserve happiness,peace and clarity of mind (because we need the clarity bit for your words of wisdom lol) more importantly to not permit your mind to think your undeserving.
You are truly a god send (he don't care if your flats messy!) And you share hope which is easily lost, you are genuinely a beacon that's radiates compassion, hope and love.
Hi Nel thanks for your reply. I was looking for empathy and you have given me that bless you. I wish we were all depression free but selfishly I am glad that I am not alone with it. Sharing makes it easier to deal with doesn't it?
I have often thought like you about the terminal illness but I think I am kidding myself. It would take the control over my life away from me and into the hands of fate. I also think of the physical pain which would result from it.... I don't know though. Bev x
Hi Simon. I am sorry your wife feels like that. Many people don't understand depression but it's awful when it's your family. Is she good in other ways? If so then maybe just accept it and live with it. You have us on here and maybe a counsellor to talk to and we understand. Take care Bev xx
Thanks Audrey, you are always so lovely and understanding and I bless you for it.
I have been managing without baths and fortunately there is only me to consider. I don't know how you managed with your partner and am full of admiration for you. I hope you have as good a Christmas as possible love and it will be over in a couple of days thank goodness. Hugs, Bev xx
Thanks Jilly. For me Christmas highlights the fact I am on my own with no partner and no kids. I do have 3 sisters - one is a recluse and only wants the TV, the youngest has her own family and has made it clear she doesn't want me there. The other one I am going to her and her bf for Christmas lunch.
I am quite good at caring for others - it's just myself I struggle with.
Thanks Elizabeth. I always like reading your replies because you are full of love and caring for others, despite feeling the lack of it in your own life. I will give your own advice back to you - you are unique to my love and deserve the very best in life too! I hope you have as good a Christmas as you can and new Year. I will be in here both days at some point so all us lonely unloved folk can care for each other. Bev xx
Aw Lorraine my dear friend you are making me well up now.... I am feeling a bit better today as met up with 2 of my sisters earlier for coffee and pressie giving. We talked about the old days, old films we loved and family stuff we all share. It was lovely.
After I popped into my local Tesco Express and to my delight they brought out all the goods marked down to 10% of their prices an hour earlier than usual! I got a big bagful of stuff for less than £3. Normally they put it out at 6pm and all the regulars (and some of them are definitely not poor) grab them first. The lady at the till said she couldn't wait to see their faces when they realised they had missed it
Thank you so much for your care and support love. Many times I start reading the replies then think oh that was lovely, I look and see your name Oh it's lovely Lorraine again....you are a real gem you know and I am glad if my replies have helped you a little bit. Luvs ya too chuck! I hope your Christmas and New Year is as good as possible. Hugs for you. Bev xxx