Thanks. I forget how much I can learn from people like you. I have the attention span of a newt. Would love to be able to concentrate on a book again. I have all sorts of herbal teas and actually like water. Unfortunately, I like alcohol a lot more. I drink wine now, but have been through all sorts. I will take it in 'baby steps' for this journey. It is the lack of the "feeling" that alcohol gives me, that I am afraid of coping without. Nothing compares, for me. It is more than I want to admit. I am just plain scared of living without it.
Misssy and paper fairy
i think you both ought to be proud of yourselves for openly admitting what a hold alcohol had on you both and the strength you've shown in coming back from the abyss.
Luckily I've never been hospitalised through alcohol, and that I never will. It would be far easier for you both to try to block out how desparately Ill you both were.
I've put drinking before my family, and I could weep when I think back to how frightened my kids must have been, having to go off to school in the morning and not know if their mum would be there when they came home from school.
I was sorting out some papers the other day, when I came across a letter from my kids. I won't go through it all, it's too painful, but one bit was so sad and showed how much my drinking affected them
Dear mummy
we are so sorry if we have been naughty. We've decided that we will do anything to help you get better and not be in bed when we come back from school. We will keep our rooms tidy and will do lots of jobs for you. We want our old mummy back, the one who plays with us, makes things with us and makes us happy
I've spoken to each of them, and all three said you were a great mum, and still are. We don't think of those few horrid times, but concentrate on all the happy times.
I can't change what I put them through, neither can I keep dwelling and thinking of those dark days, reliving the past. I can however make sure my grandchildren never go through the same. Yesterday (Mother's Day) all three of them came over and I had a lovely happy day.
If I ever get the urge to start on a binge, I hope I'll read the letter and stop myself going backwards.
Sorry for rambling, but I needed to share my feelings. I think it was paper fairy saying her children came to say goodbye that burst my dam. I've put the letter on my kitchen board, so if the urge to go and buy some booze comes back, I've just got to read it and stop to think a big NO DONT, ITS NOT WORTH IT FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS TEMPORARY RELIEF.
Thank you misssy and paper fairy, your honesty in admitting and talking openly and sharing such good advice.
That is a very heartwrenching letter.
And although my kids never wrote down their feelings...I can tell they felt just like that! My oldest didn't talk to me for year back in 2005 when I quit.
On my one year anniversery..he left a drawing in my car with a rose and said...thank you for comning back to us....you are the best mother now...I knew you could do it!
Psycholigist do say that kids blame themselves....your letter is a testement to that...and a very powerful tool for you to have to keep you from the drink.
Sadly, the drink is more powerful than any words anyone can say...but if you keep that note close by..it just might be the tool to help you win.
Thanks for your kind words and comments Vicky and Misssy. It really helps. Like that you're holding on to that letter from kids. Think I will do the same. Best wishes x
Hi..yea..I have been having trouble focusing on my "book"...but my therapist told me not to give up on it. So I can read a chapter (I used to get thru a book in 2 days)....but I'm not going to give up...its a good distraction.
Its natural to be scared or even terrified of change. But, sometimes those changes are for the better and that is definetly the case with giving up alcohol. I hope you find a new "nitch".....I don't know how old you are....but as you get up in age...everything gets more difficult...difficult to change...and then it becomes difficult to function..period.
And it gets more dangerous to drink the older we get the faster the progression of the alcoholism.
Thanks Misssy2. I hope you can continue with the reading, to help distract your thoughts. I cannot focus on anything. Drinking is strong force. I hate feeling weak to it. If the Selincro could help me with some control, I might get proper hope. Feeling hopeless, just now. Keep drinking too much.....even after the tab. I am going to try to have a day without alcohol, today. Don't know if I can still do it. Will soon find out !