Hi, I'm 25 an I found out about 2 months ago that I have HSV-2. It was extremely unexpected as I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for about 2 years now. I was extremely upset when I found out about it and I am still very embarassed, ashamed, insecure, discourage, humiliated, feeling alone and depressed about it. When I found out that I had herpes, I told my boyfriend immediately, since I suspected he might have given it to me, but he was sure he hadn't and was tested after the news to confirm that. Part of me is very confused since I don't know who gave it to me...I can count on two hands the number of partners I've had since I first became sexually active about 8 years ago. Since I have no idea when I contracted the disease, nor have I had an outbreak before this one, I have no way of knowing. For anyone that doesn't know, the usual STI tests don't always check for HSV (something I found out when I heard the news, since I was regularly tested). Another part of me is so angry, and I have no one to be angry at, so I feel like I'm just bottling things up.. thinking why me, why did I get this, what did I do to deserve it.
My boyfriend's reaction to me having herpes is something I am constantly dwelling on and replaying in my head, and feeling extremely insecure about. HE expressed his concern and knew that it wasn't my fault, and it was out of my control. But he aslo made it very clear that he didn't want to get HSV (which I totally understand), and that he wanted to take all the precautionary measures to ensure he didn't. This is obviously a warranted reaction, but it still makes me feel so dirty, diseased, and discusting. I've gotten to a point now where I'll forget I even have HSV for a while at least (since I've only had the one outbreak), until we are intimate (which unfortunately isn't often since we live a 6 hour drive apart) and we pause to grab a condom.. then BAM! I remember that I have herpes and feel so disgusted with myself and insecure in the moment and unsexy about it. I also feel like after the news, we haven't been as connected intimately... like things are kind of off and not as passionate as usual. I know I'm probably overreacting but I feel like he is being so cautious everytime we're intimate and that he sometimes looks at my vagina to make sure I don't have symptoms at the time. I go through phases now where I'll be okay with not thinking about the fact that I have herpes and then one day it'll be on my mind and I wont' be able to think about anything else for days and I'll cry myself to sleep thinking about how discusting I am, and how this is going to change the rest of my life.
To this day, I still haven't told anyone else that I have herpes. I don't think I've fully come to terms with it, and I'm still so embarassed about it. I just fear what people will think because of the very negative stigma that is attached to it. But it's also so hard for me to accept this with having no one to talk to about how I'm feeling (so I'm hoping this will help). Right now I'm doing everything I can to ensure I don't have another outbreak - I'm taking the medication daily, eating healthy and getting enough sleep, wearing protection during sex and ensuring my immune system is in tip-top shape. The medication I take daily gives me extremely bad headaches, but I deal with that to ensure I don't pass it on to my boyfriend.
Now, where things get complicated is when we talk about the fact that my boyfriend has HPV (genital warts) and I found out about half a year before my diagnosis with HSV. I was obviously surprised to hear that he had it, and was tested after the news (negative for HPV, and vaccinated just in case). It obviously wasn't ideal, but I ultimately knew I wasn't willing to end things or to give up our sex life to ensure I didn't get it from him. I understand that there is a good chance I could get it everytime we have sex, and I've accepted the fact that it's very possible and I would not resent him if I did end up getting it - since I know the risks. To this day, he is still struggling to get rid of genital warts around his groin, and I have not shown any symptoms of catching it. I know this is probably wrong, but when I compare his reaction to mine I feel like he is being a bit hypocritical of my diagnosis considering he has HPV...
When comparing them both, I consider them to be quite similar.....they can both be dormant (asymptomatic) or symptomatic and are something you have for life. Neither have a cure. They both have a negative stigma attached to them. They are both more contagious when symptoms are present, and still contagious when they're not. Condoms cannot fully prevent either STI (since skin uncovered by condom can transmit the infection). They both cause unpleasant symptoms. When I look at it this way, I feel almost angry that he makes me feel so insecure and discusting (unintentionally) about having herpes when I have done nothing but support him after his diagnosis of HPV.
I know there is alot going on here, so I'm really just looking for some support/opinions on how do deal with the fact that I have herpes, how I can help my boyfriend understand how I'm feeling, and how we can come to common ground over all this and I can move on with my life. This is very new to me, and frankly I'm extremely overwhelmed with what has happened lately...but this is a man that I am sure I want to marry and start a family with one day and I'm determined to not let this come between us. So if anyone has any input I'd be so grateful for your help...