I was going to journal about all this tonight, but I figured I'd write it here instead. Maybe some of you can relate to me. Or, maybe, some of you can offer reassurance or gudiance.
The last 10 months have been strange and awful. Sometimes the memories of when this all started feel very distant, very cloudy - as if it were all a dream. It started with the chest pains, like almost everyone else. Then I began to fear a host of other medical conditions. In a notebook, I kept a record of my medical fears as they developed. Each day was something new. MS, cancer, seizures, strokes, eye conditions, diabetes. All of it. I also noticed an uptake in other anxiety symptoms, like sweaty palms and tingling sensations in my face and hands. I had a handful of full-blown panic attacks, but mostly I just experienced a nagging and constant sense of fear.
Starting around January 2017, I began to feel dizzy and off-balance. This was accompanied by pressure in my ears. It persisted and I went to my GP several times. His first response was that it was just anxiety. He gave me some Ativan, saying it would calm my nerves and help treat my dizziness. I refused to take it. I still have the little bottle in my room - 10 tablets, very low dose. I'm just afraid to take them. So I kept going back to my doctor as the feelings got worse. It was hard to walk straight most days. My stomach was churning. It was like I was walking on a boat, or on a trampoline, or in a field of tall grass. Finally, my GP ordered an MRI of my brain. I had my MRI on April 28 and received an email from him a week later, saying the results "looked great".
I decided to believe the results of the MRI. It's a powerful diagnostic tool and I have no reason to believe it missed any abnormalities in my head. I also decided to stop seeing my GP. It's been over 2 months since I've been to a medical doctor - after I had been going once or twice a week! Things were OK at first. But slowly, a new fear has taken over my life. It was a fear I already had a little bit, but now it's all I can think about. I'm afraid of having a stroke.
The balance issues were bad enough. But lately I've been feeling a weird tightness in my head - like a rubberband around my forehead. Sometimes my left cheek feels tight (I've felt this on-and-off for months). Then, about a week ago, my left eye began to twitch. It hasn't stopped yet. Not a constant twitching, but it happens throughout the day for a few seconds at a time. This convinced me that I was going to have a stroke. I even imagine that I've been smelling things - weird things. Like, randomly I'll "smell" vanilla or coffee or lime or wood. But I don't actually smell these things. It's more that I think of foods and smells in my head for no reason -- maybe it's a normal thing, but I'm very frightened lately and it scares me when it happens.
Then, I started to focus on my speech. About a week or two ago, I was trying to tell someone a recipie. I was about to answer her question when suddenly I felt a flash of fear in my whole body - I was convinced I wouldn't remember the words, or wouldn't be able to vocalize them clearly. After 3-5 seconds, though, I said "black olives" clearly and the fear went down a bit. But I've become obsessed in the last few days with my memory and speech. I made a mistake last week and said "cat pile" instead of "dog pile". Sometimes I stammer a bit, which isn't typical for me. And then just tonight I was walking and praying, and it happened again. I was saying the Lord's Prayer in my head and stopped suddenly. I got that same flash of fear and weird feeling in my head, as if I couldn't remember the prayer or was going to start stuttering. But I shook it off, started the prayer over again, and said it fine.
At this point I'm just a wreck. Last night I started crying randomly for a minute or two, which hasn't happened in months. I'm far away from my family and it doesn't look like I'll see them this summer. They're not doing well, either. Between June 1 and today, I had the following happen: a stressful job training program; a very toxic person entered my life, which led to sleepless nights, paranoia, and some minor legal action; my father lost his job, which means I have 2 umemployed parents and a disabled sibling at home, a thousand miles away; and my cousin (who I don't like) is getting out of jail to live with my parents - a process that is causing them so much angst and worry. All this WHILE I've been working a semi-stressful job as a building manager for a conference center.
This was a useful venting for me. I don't expect people to read it, but if you did and feel like you could help me in any way, please leave a comment or send me a message. I'm just tired of all the fear, all the uncertainity, the constant feeling that something must be physically wrong with me - it can't all be fear. I know I'm young, I know I've had a million tests. But I still feel unwell most of the time. Why?
Thanks...
