Help! Possible life change caused panic and Harm OCD back

Mental health
1

Hi Everyone,

A couple years ago I had used this forum for support as I was going through a bad relapse of anxiety/panic. My deepest fear of dying from a heart attack got shifted to Harm Ocd and possibly harming someone - most importantly my family. Got on new medication & went to therapy and got back to my old self. I still had trouble with the harm ocd, but my new medication Escitalopram helped quiet the thoughts and think rationally and monthly therapy was helping too.

Flash forward to now - I had gotten a message from a friend/past co-worker that she was leaving her current job and it would be open and she could put in a recommendation/good word for me. Initially I was thrilled as the current job I’ve been at I do not like the management and feel I have been overworked for a while now with not the best pay.

However, as the days went on and I worked on updating my resume/portfolio, I got more and more anxious. Thoughts of, what if I’m not good enough? What if I mess up? What if I’m so anxious all the time I can’t produce good work and therefore fail.

As my panic increased my harm OCD thoughts went wild - I will be so out of my comfort zone at this new job I will fail and then be unemployed (which I have never been as an adult). Being unemployed on its own sounds scary enough, but being unemployed and having extreme panic and harm ocd thoughts?? My biggest fear is being all alone with my thoughts and feeling they will eventually cause me to hurt my parents (which I NEVER want to do).

I feel so upset because I know this could be a great opportunity and one I would be normally very happy with I just don’t know if I’m ready to take the risk…

Especially with my anxiety and these terrible thoughts coming back. I’m a wreck - I’ve been crying about it basically every day which is unlike me and just generally feel that fear/dread.

I can’t get in to see my Psychiatrist until Feb 19. I am currently on 25mg of Escitalopram. I am guessing he will want to up my dose.

I haven’t been in therapy for almost a year now due to my therapist having to take off to have a baby and then COVID happened. Because I felt fine I decided to just wait until things calmed down.

I called yesterday to setup an appointment and see when I could get in but I have to wait to get screened again because it’s been so long since I was a patient. So, it could be a while until I get in…

I just feel so alone and don’t know what I should do. I am fortunate that right now I live with my parents and have a safety net, but I worry if I am unemployed I will be alone too much with my thoughts…

Just feeling very scared right now … Don’t want to let anyone down if I turn down this potential offer…

2

I am sorry you are going through this. first of all I would suggest that you could do virtual counseling sessions. I do that once a week and it works great. even if you have to find another counselor, it would be worth it. You need support right now.! This is way too difficult to try to do on your own.
next, sounds like you are in a self-defeating thought process. When you say what if, what if, what if, that is known as fortunetelling. It means that you are already predicting what it’s going to happen with the new job. that’s an example of a mindset that people fall into that is destructive I am not based on facts. Only based on fear. Or feelings.
so, what if you like the job? What if you are glad that you got the job? What if everything works out just fine?
when we shift how we think, you shift how you feel and behave!
EVEN if the job turns out to be something that is not a good fit for you, you at least TRIED! there is a talk that I listen to from a great motivational speaker who says “DO IT AFRAID!” in other words, everybody has feelings of being afraid but it’s what you do with that that’s important!you could just sit home and let the opportunity go by or you can go do it afraid and then you may be pleasantly surprised that everything worked out.I suggest do you listen to the talk on YouTube. It’s called do it afraid by Joyce.
A very famous professional basketball player said " YOU Miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take !"
Be A fighter for yourself! you have more strength than you know.
Worry is like sitting in a rocking chair. It keeps you busy but get you nowhere.
you are worried about letting people down if you don’t take the job. The only one you’ll let down is yourself for not trying. Put yourself first and don’t worry about what everybody else thinks. This is the time for you.
when you start feeling a little better about yourself, those negative and scary thoughts will diminish and most likely go away. That’s why I highly suggest staying in therapy even if it’s virtual. I hope you feel better soon!

3

Thank you for responding!
I am thinking I might call back and see if I could get in any earlier with a different provider if I do virtual sessions.

I have forgotten the techniques to remember for when the intrusive thoughts feel weird.

I do want to take this chance for a new opportunity, but every time I think that way I worry an I taking a chance on hurting/killing my parents. Which I hated typing out just now… x.x

I’m trying to be strong because I know without anxiety I would take this risk and that crazy thought wouldnt even occur… I hate being alone with my thoughts…

I’m trying to remember my past sessions with my therapist and how she would tell me that if I really were capable of hurting anyone I wouldn’t be feeling all this panic and anxiety.