I can't get suicidal thoughts out of my head, I've got the radio on for distraction, tried reading tried puzzles to occupy my brain but self destruction won't go away. I should go out but not s u 're if ill be safe. Should go for a walk. Want to smash stuff up. I hate feeling like this, I hate myself so much. Should phone the Samaritans but all I want to do is scream, shout swear . I need my head to just shut the f up. I even slept for at least 5 straight hours last night that's a record. My heads racing I just want it to stop.
Stuff it I'm going out for a drive. See what happens....
Hey tina sorry just saw this.
Did you go for a drive? I hope youre ok.
Are you on any medication for youre depression i had a look at youre last posts and looks like youre not? Ive had a crap night with migraine and feel sick and weak today which in turn makes depression worse. Im on mirtazapine but its caused so many problems so god knows what i will do mossed two nights so will taken half a tablet for next 2 nights.
Sorry hun how old are you and are you still managing to work with all this going on?x
Toss up between mountains or the coast. The coast won, sat on some rocks in the sun out of the wind it is so peaceful hopefully get my head together.
You shouldn't stop mirtazapine just like that it is not good, I took about 3 months I think reducing it from 45mg to 15. Then stopped on advice from the psychiatrist. Not too bad compared to some other people didn't notice too many side effects. Still haven't lost the weight though. You should see your doctor if you want off your meds been through three lots still felt the same, some made me violent and aggressive well more than normal. Drink plenty of water and try and eat regularly as I find if I go all day without eating I tend to get migraines too. Going to see if I can see any dolphins today. Thanks for your support. X
Hi Tina,
So sorry to hear how you feel. Knowing myself how hard it can be when those thoughts are following you, haunting you. A couple of months ago, I was at my very lowest, with very bad thoughts haunting me and it became norm to sleep only for an hour or so every night. I did not want to take my life, I love life (which is probably why I am still here today), but I was scared of my own thoughts as they seem to have other plans for me. Today, I am on a better path, (but still battling anxiety), thanks to me finally reaching out for help both to friends, and family but also professional help, I tried CBT for a while. Do make that call for help, it really helped me and I can even enjoy things again and am gradually more social at work and with friends. Do you have anyone else you can talk to, a friend or a family member perhaps?
Something that worked for me to put my things on happier things was to start doing things I enjoyed like a child, like painting and colouring. Have you tried anything similar?
You mention you have thought about reaching out to the Samaritans, have you reached out to them in the past at all? It took time for me to reach out for help as I was in my own dark bubble of hopelessness. Hope you will find strength to ask for help. You are already being very brave to reach out for help here!
Let us know how you get on. This forum is a good place to vent and turn for that support and get that *hug* that could mean all the difference.
Xx
Thanks fro your reply jennifer, that's me back home, had a reasonable escape to the coast. stayed and watched a beautiful sunset.
I'm glad you are finding your way through this, a couple of months feelign like that can be very tiring, I never really enjoyed much as child as far as I can remember, difficult childhood always being naughty getting told off etc, etc. I try, walking exercise all the things your supposed to do but the thoughts and self harming actions still keep coming back even during group exercise classes stupid or what.
Yes I have used the Samaritans loads of times they have helped me out of very difficult situations, even rung me back they are wonderful people. Used NHS24, CMHT as they are all on my crisis plan but I end up upsetting them or feel as if I am being a nusiance so then won't contact them. I have had therapy trouble is I work hard during it but then seem to shut down again afterwards. I shut the doors put the lids back on the boxes which I know doesn't help but I cannot talk to the few friends I have or my son about a lot of this. I have always kept things to myself all my life it took a lot to open up to people but I knew I had to or else I would self destruct. I opened up to my sister the other night told her a few things she didn;t know had happened after she left home. Now I regret that as she is tryig to organise me and tell me what I should do. i know she is trying to help but I find it smothering. I have got to do these things in my own time when I want too but don't want to upset her.
I am doing some of the things on the plans between me and the last psychiatrist I saw for IPT mentioned in a previous post. I/m trying to cook at least one or two proper meals a week, having superficial conversations with people at work, trying not to isolate myself.
It is all very hard work.
I hopefully will get there and might just might start enjoying my life!!!!
You just keep on doing all those lovely things you enjoy doing and keep talking to your family and friends, you seem to be on the right road to recovery. Good luck.
sorry bit of a ramble but head is still not working well and find it hard to write stuff as well as talk. xx
Hi I can't add to the great advice you have got except to say what has always helped me is to make a decision every morning that today I am not going to kill myself. Ok tomorrow maybe, but not today. That will take your mind away a bit from those thoughts which means you can relax more and see what the day brings. It's worked for me for many years. x
Hi thanks for that suggestion. some days i'm going along ok in a fashion then wallop it could be a small anything, or something someone says or does or doesn't do, triggers from past trauma or events, I go off like a bomb then can;t think straight, can't rationalise things, get angry frustrated cos i can't cope, self harming starts, doubting, hating what I have become, then the stuff the world might as well not be here. Take drugs to calm down, talk to someone back to square one until the next time. One day it will go wrong. I do try and do the things I have been shown in therapy but when it goes it goes and just can;t think.
I'm so glad it has worked for you as you are a great contributor to this forum and apart from me I'm sure a lot of people appreciate you too.
Thank you xx
ps I feel as if I am rubbish at putting things down into words too. I just don't beleive in myself at the moment. It has been a very difficult week end all round.