I'm just making this account to be able to post this to help the more severe cases of anxiety. For the people whose minds did a 180. The people who think they are literally going insane and lived live life in an existential void where it seems like nothing matters. Where you have anxiety attacks just by thinking of the fact that you exist that sends your mind into a whirlwind of worry and assumptions, I'm 22 and I suffered from anxiety my whole life. Basic stuff. Social anxiety, talking to people, afraid I was constantly gonna mess up or not be good enough. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a kid which was a misdiagnosis for GAD. A few months ago I started having excessive worry, more so than usual. My father passed away when I was 9, my home life was nothing short of toxic with being bombarded with worries of constantly being homeless, not eating, being too chubby, not being good enough, failing tasks. Normal things every 10 year old should worry about. Then something happened in my life that had to change the way I live. I lost a really good chance at doing something I loved, something ive been doing for years because of one persons lie. I couldn't really think about anything that wasn't negative. Every night before I went to sleep I would be bombarded with intense images in my head. It scared me as to what these were from and why it was happening, until one night they exploded. It felt like someone unlocked a door in my brain that couldn't be closed. I couldn't relax, couldn't think. I thought I was going crazy. I was bombarded by random memories and an almost constant feeling of deja vu. I was so afraid to sleep or talk about what was happening because I knew how I sounded. I would try to see things that weren't there by overlapping images in my head onto scenery on which I was looking to make sure I wasn't insane and then I'd be afraid that I actually saw what I was thinking even though I didn't. Then came the intrusive thoughts to add to the delightful mix, I thought I was a psychopath. I was afraid I really wanted to do the things that popped into my head. It felt like I tapped into a part of my brain I wasn't supposed to. I felt unreal. Like I didn't know where I was or who I was while at the same time knowing the answers to all those questions. I couldn't stop googling my symptoms. One day I had schizophrenia, the next a tumor, the next cancer, then a schizophrenic cancer tumor haha. I was in this own personal hell. I consulted family for affirmation that I wasn't going batsh*t insane, and well, their response was that the devil was stealing my mind because I didn't go to church. Seriously, that's not something to tell someone in a broken mental state. I obssesed over my memory constantly, straining to remember every aspect of every day in fear that I was developing alzheimers. My chest would hurt and I'd think I was having a heart attack, my head would hurt and I would think I was stroking out. And to people who think "man it's just a thought, It's not real" just do yourselves a favor and save coming off as a jackass. Back on topic, all this was happening during my 5 year long distance relationship coming to an end of becoming long distance. My girlfriend moved from Florida all the way to illinois just to be with me. It was an incredible feeling buried under mounds of extreme anxiety. I so badly wanted things to get better. I felt like her coming would calm my mind. Sadly, as much as I adore my soon to be wife. it wasn't the answer, but believe it did help things along. I am incredibly grateful to have someone so close to talk to about these things because I know so many of you live in isolation with no one to lean on. So, as months went on, my symptoms didn't change, I lived like a zombie thinking each second was my last grip on sanity. Afraid I was going to forget how to walk, afraid I was even gonna forget my girlfriends face. Living a facade, I'd excuse myself out of happy situations to hide in the bathroom and google what I was feeling at that moment (at one point I thought something was wrong with me simply for the fact that I was thinking. seriously. try living in paradox where you're afraid of thinking of the very fact that you're afraid of thinking.) Then one day, I thought I would try to make myself go insane. I tried to imagine the wildest things, think the craziest most messed up thoughts and do you know what happened? Nothing. I was the same exact person I was before and after. I felt free for the first time in forever and while some symptoms of anxiety do persist they are so benign that they don't even bother me. I'm not religious, i'm not spiritual, I didn't take meds. I overcame it on my own volition. I'm in control.no matter what thoughts might pop into your head to allude to otherwise, you're always in control. You can't control what pops into your head, you can limit it by controling what you see, sure. But you're in control of your actions. And for those of you worried about going insane. That doesn't happen. It's a t.v/movie/storybook trope. Psychosis isn't permanent even if you happen to be the first person in the world who has anxiety induced psychosis. You'll make it through anything. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for this story! I suffer the same thing pretty much, going insane, schizophrenic. And the mental images pop up at night. All this can be terrifying..
Thank you so so much for your account. I suffer from the feeling that I exist in an existential void. The thought that nothing is real is so frightened and also the deja vu to add to the mix. I am in the process of finding an experienced physcoligist to help me recover. Your account is the first that is similar to my own. Thanks again Michael.