My husband, I’m pretty sure, is dependent on alcohol. He drinks 5-7 nights a week, always beer, usually about 10 units each night. He isn’t violent but can be annoying and irritating and I don’t like being around him when he drinks anymore, which is obviously detrimental to our relationship. His has been going on for the past ten years, getting steadily worse and worse. We have two young kids and I’m so upset about he effects on them and that they will learn this is how adults should drink. He is very aware of my feelings. We’ve had many nice sober discussions as well as heated arguments (not so much of those anymore as I know they are useless). Now he is at the point where he just refuses to engage in any talk about it whatsoever. He has, until very recently, admitted that he drinks too much and tried to stop, but he has always denied an addiction or dependence. Feeling at the end of my tether. I know there are many in worse situations with people being abusive to them etc but it hurts so much that it is destroying our relationship. Also ... practically breaking up would be a logistical nightmare ... also I do love him 😢 Thanks in advance, I know this has been a very long post!
Oh my gosh, I'm stunned to read your message, your words echo mine 12 months ago on this very site, I was desperate for advice and help from anyone who had been in a similar situation. My husband was at about 100 units a week. It would start with our tea, wine, followed by beers. It was relentless, I'd ask him to have a drink free night, which he did occasionally just to shut me up really. I'd watch him disappear every night in front of my eyes, he was never nasty or abusive, he's just chat rubbish, slurring his words, it was just awful to watch somebody you loved fall asleep night after Night, week after week on the sofa in a drunken mess. I'd try to address it, asking him if we could go the docs, he refused he had a problem as he has a fantastic job and to the outside world a perfect husband. Eventually it took it's toll on our marriage, with our sons blessing i moved out, I fear staying would have killed me psychologically, something I wasn't going to allow, I found so much strength from other people's experiences on here, I swore if I ever came across someone going through what I did I would try to offer help. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you'd like to,
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The simplest solution would be to match him drink for drink. I wouldn't recommend this, but if he saw you getting drunk all the time he might have a long think about things,
Another solution would be to walk out on him without leaving a note. The shock might wake him up.
But I'd personally go for the Naltrexone route and tell him there was a pill that would let him drink if he wanted to but at the same time would make him a more mature drinker.
It's difficult because he has to want to change and that's his choice alone. Maybe tell him to have a look at this place, make him realise that he's only a few days away from happiness.
I wish there were a simple solution. Get help for yourself and counceling for your children. Join a support group to understand this disease and how to find coping tools for the family. There are many resources available on patient uk. Ask your doctor for help . This is a family disease and the more you know the more you can protect yourself , children and begin to understand that your not alone.
Sorry Alex,
But are you for real? Offering advice such as matching him drink for drink, is, in my opinion, extremely irresponsible. They have 2 small children. If they are both getting drunk 5 nights a week, what effect will that have on the children? And what danger could that put them in?
Also, that is not offering a solution. It’s only putting everyone in the family at risk.
Shevardazie - you have said in the past that your husband has admitted he has a problem. But not at the moment.
i’m sorry, but until he admits it, you are banging your head against a brick wall. Until he admits it or decides he wants help, you are powerless to help.
Believe me, I have been there. As the drinker, not the partner.
He may not want help or decide to stop until he hits rock bottom. And that may take a big, sharp shock. In my case it wasn’t threats to leave or opinions on the effect on my family, it was waking up one day after a 2 week binge, on the lounge floor not knowing what day, week or even month it was. Knowing I’d lost 2 weeks of my life without a memory of anything for at least the last 10 days.
That day, I begged for help and fortunately got it. I honestly believe I would have died without it. It hasn’t been easy to stop and I’ve had numerous relapses, but thankfully I don’t drink as much as I did.
is there a reason for your husbands drinking? Is he depressed? Trying to deal with a problem? Or is it that it’s just got out of control?
Maybe you do need to do something like threaten to leave and see if that shocks him into action, but if he really has a serious problem don’t be surprised if he seems unaffected. He may see you leaving as an opportuntiy to drink as much as he likes without criticism. Don’t let that stop you. It may be the jolt he needs. It certainly was for me. Staying and doing nothing won’t change anything. If it’s impractical for you and the children to leave for a while, then make him leave. That happened to me and was the catalyst to make me see there was an issue.
Naltrexone is an option, but not until your husband is in a “place” where he can accept help.
Good luck.
Liz x
Thanks guys - don’t worry I won’t be matching him in his drinking, I couldn’t!! Liz - can I ask did you lot believ your partner when they told you the effects your drinking was having or were you in a place where ou didn’t care? Find it so hard to understand what’s going on on his head. I don’t want to wait until he hits rock Horton and expose the kids to that. Thanks again
Thanks hope4cure - I went to Al anon a couple of years ago and they were lovely but I felt like a fraud as their stories were all about the awful things their partners/parents had done and I don’t have those stories, it’s been much more subtle and insidious for us.
I was hoping you would reply Alice! I knew you could! Do send a private message where you see the little envelope. Like an email. Great reply 😁
Just a quick update - THANK YOU to everyone for your help and replies! I gave him an ultimatum on saturday - make some changes, try to cut down by he summer or we need to break up. Well he has been drinking every evening since then 😢 Maybe I expected too much!
You did well. My wife was close to throwing me out of the house. Yes, outside! Did shock me and stopped drinking.
Thanks Robin, my fear is that he is just so stubborn. Has all the classic signs of denial ... excuses, saying my perspective is skewed because I don’t drink very much etc etc
I think you need to be clear with yourself why you gave the ultimatum. If it was intended to change his behaviour, I would say it was expecting too much. It might work. It might not. But if it is because this is the last resort for you and you genuinely can't see another way forward, then that is different. But does your husband really understand that? And do you have anyone you can talk to because leaving him and looking after the kids on your own may prove to be a whole lot tougher on you than him?
When you say 'the summer' you mean August?
If so, you've given him six months to cut down so can hardly be surprised when you don't get immediate results!
I know from personal experience that any deadline means "You can stop drinking on deadline day". In fact, it can often increase short term drinking because the day of reckoning is still comfortably in the future.
Do you know why he is drinking? Is it straightforward ethanol addiction or are there problems/issues in his life that he is using the drink to hide from? It might be the case that you have to work on these things before moving on to the alcohol misuse.
I really feel for you. It's sad enough having an addiction but it must be hard to watch somebody you care for in the grip of it.
He says....His eyes starting to water....
Yeah I definitely said it because I have had enough of feeling depressed and anxious because of his behaviour. And worried about the effects on the kids now and in the future. But I’m also an optimist and in the back of my mind hopes he would get a fright and cut back
Thanks, he has anxiety and depression, has had counselling in the past but doesn’t want any now, takes antidepressants. I meant the school joldmwhich for us start end of June, and really it’s because we would need some time to save for a deposit on a flat and a car for him. It will be undeniably tight financially for both of us and he knows that so does possibly honk I’m bluffing - but I’m not 😢
That’s meant to say school hols end of June
And honk = thinks
Can’t see how to edit after posting 🙈
I am in a virtually identical situation and have been for about 9 years now. I would say that it does affect children and for that I kick myself for not leaving earlier. I have always tried to shield my child from the irresponsible way his dad drinks over the years, however now he is older and is not stupid I brought it up with him as I could see that my son was out of sorts. I could see the relief as I shared with him that I understood how he must feel with his dad's continuous change of disposition. Have told him it is not his secret to keep and that he must always talk to me or someone independently through school or counsellor.
Boxing day I finally said enough was enough but I ended up feeling awful (as he is not a bad man) and I am still here. He is trying I can tell, but the drinking is still there. It is so hard to advise when I am in the same situation and have not really progressed.
Oh Helen, hugs to you, it is really really difficult isn’t it? My partner is a lovely man too and an excellent father. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t so amazing in all other ways as it would be much easier to decide what to do. The drinking is just exasperating!!! Tonight I thought he was going to have a night off but no he has started again and gone off to the shops to get more.
Wish there was an easy answer for us. It makes me angry to think he is just blissfully p****d while I’m sitting fretting with a knot in my stomach, though I know he drinks to numb his own pain. Maybe if he talked to me about how he feels he wouldn’t feel the need for alcohol. But he has never done that unfortunately. I’m worried that come summer I will be in the same situation as you and not ask him to leave.
Do you have a plan for what you would do? i.e. you leave or him, where he would go, how it would work financially etc?
Hi Shevardnadze I have started to put together a plan but I have popped you a message.
I remember doing the same as you and being genuinely upset on many occasions that he would say the right things and things never changed. I have given so many ultimatums the difference after many years is that now I mean them. I think like someone said until they realise there is a problem they won't change and that I feel from experience is because your husband sounds like mine where he is a functioning alcoholic. You are probably the only person who see this so they really don't feel they have a problem.