I came to ask for advice, instead I want to help

Mental health
1

Hey Everyone and Happy Hump Day!

So I came here initially, as many others do, looking for advice, answers, support, and anything that would help me understand my situation. However, I realized that I would be better served as someone who help others because I don't think anyone can help me. Only I can help me.

I realize everyone's brain (and mind) works differently, but there are general commonalities for those who suffer from Depression, Anxiety, Bi-Polar, etc. I have some anxiety that I've had since I was 18 (I am 40 now), episodes of depression, and was also diagnosed with Bi-Polar 2, although I don't have any kind of hypomanic episodes, as described in the symptoms for Bi-Polar 2. I am not anti medication, but unless you have clinical depression or something of that magnitude, I don't believe that meds are the way out. 

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't want to upset anyone or make it sound like your condition\situation is not serious. I am just going to write up about what's happening to me and how I am dealing with my situation. The reason I am doing this is not because I want advice. I know what I need to do. The reason I am doing this is because I want others to understand a couple of things. Actually, a couple of quotes. I've always admired Sir. Winston Churchill and there are two quotes that I love to use for when things get really bad.

1. "If you are going through hell, keep going"

2. " Never, never, never, give up"

I  live by these two rules. And I've actually added another one that is helping me out right now, in terms of pushing my self.

"You can, You will, You must"

I don't want to make a novel, so I'll try to be brief.

I am 40, not too stupid, some say I am actually very and intelligent. I've had depression anxiety issues since I was 18. Most of the time I have been able to manage my symptoms through therapy and proper, positive thinking. Rewiring my brain is not just a marketing phrase, it works. Doesn't always work, but it helps. So about 10 years ago I started losing family members or age and disease. My grandparents raised me and they were my safety net. They are my everything. First my grandpa, then my uncle, then my dog.. I got married about 7 years ago and things seemed fine, but then my stepdad went to prison for making a whole lot of money. That's when things fell apart and for the next 4, 5 years I was a mess. I screwed my marriage and lost my wife whom I love more than anything in this world. My mom and my real dad are not the brightest people in the world and when my wife left me, they didn't even call me. I reached out, but received NOTHING in return. My other grandma and grandpa also passed away recently. I only have my grandmother left and she very old and very sick. The only love I still have left is my dog. He is my child, my everything. I was also left with over $50K of debt. I lost most of my friends because I realized they were superficial people with whom I have nothing in common. And I was about 70 lbs overweight. I saw the darkest days of my life and I did not know how to go on. I got up every day, went to work, ate, walked my dog, smoked a joint, watch the news, and went to sleep. But inside I was dead. What changed and why did I take action? I couldn't do it anymore. I killed off my old self, metaphorically speaking, and a new person was born. This new me is not perfect and I still have very serious issues with hopelessness and this darkness that has fallen upon me. I am still  completely alone in this world, but I realize that we all come to this world alone and we are all going to leave this world alone, so I might as well enjoy my time here while I can.  I am not that old, I am not that young, I am smart enough to think for myself and I realize that a lot of this is up to me. I can't cure my symptoms, but I personally don't believe that this is a disease, I think of depression is more of a disorder and I am going to do everything to put it in order.

Where did I start? With my my health. Forced myself to eat healthy. Not following any diets or online recommendations. I know my body and what I like and don't like to eat, so I am eating very healthy and love it. No more junk food. Just that change made me feel much better.

The next thing was excercise. Every time I get this horrible feeling, that I am alone in this world, that there is no hope, and all that fun stuff, I get out of the house and go for a run  around the block. I run like my life depends on it. I push myself to the limit and when I feel like I am dying, I push myself even harder. It helps, I don't care what anyone says, but it helps me big time. I also do mindfullness and meditiation when I can. It's not easy because I am too ADD to sit still, but i try even for a few minutes.

And the last thing I do is change my thought patterns.

NO SELF PITY 

NO "POOR ME" THOUGHS

NO "I'LL BE LIKE THIS  FOREVER" THOUGHTS

When things get really dark, I look at the things I do have and tell  myself that we have this one life and it's hard, hard f$ck, but I will not let this disorder destroy me and my precious time. Yes, things are hard, for me they are beyond tough, but I will beat this, and why? Because I can, I will, and I must. 

If you have clinical or some other serious depression, I am not trying to tell you that it's not real. It's real as hell. I am not telling you to fake your happiness, although that does help. I am not telling you to stop your meds. I believe in science and medications help tremendously. What I am telling you is that it is in your power to change YOU. Force yourself to move, force yourself to go to the park and go for a run, go to meetup.com and find a group, whether it's depression related or if you are into stamp collecting. Get out there, stop being afraid, not because it's not scary, it is very scary, but because you will defeat whatever it is that is scaring you and you will be rewarded with the feeling of victory, even if you fall down 99 times, the 100th time will be yours. Don't ever, ever, ever give up. I swear to you on my life, that if you continue to push yourself and take the right steps (food, exercise, yoga, meditation, etc.), change your thought patterns, change your outlook on life, even if it seems impossible, continue with therapy and meds, if that's what you are doing, then life will get much, much better. It will never full be perfect and perfect is boring, but you will learn how to cope with this monster and it will eventually become so insignificant that you will barely notice it. 

Sorry for the long post, but I really want to help those who see no light at the end of the tunnel. Look, if I see the light with the situation I am in right now, then anyone can. I've lost half of the weight that I am trying to lose, I am working hard, I am studying, I am hiking. I am not letting this monster control me. Don't pity yourself and ask why, why, why, why..  That's won't help. Just get out and start living, even if you have to fake it for a little bit. 

Feel free to ask me questions. I don't have all the answers and I am not "cured", but I do know that there is a way out of this hell and YOU have to find the will power to do it. 

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Some incredibly strong people on here. I appreciate the sharing as it makes me feel like I’m not alone with my problems. 

So, here goes. My depression began with the deaths of my brother in 2001, my mother in 2002 and my husband in 2005. My dad died back in 1992. The depression escalated during that four year period and I went into a shell thinking I’d be safe there. That only made things worse and I started drinking too much. I felt like my life was over. My living situation changed after my husband died. My daughter and her family had only been staying with us temporily until after my first grandson would be born. When my husband passed my only source of income was his business which had to close because he was the one who had the credentials to operate it. My daughter and her husband agreed to stay on and pay the mortgage for me. At the time that seemed to be a perfect solution.  A couple of things went wrong with our plan. They were also supposed to maintain the property and instead only started projects that never got completed. The landscaping went with trees dying and fencing falling apart. Then, the one thing that I never even thought about, the husband left my daughter. That meant I was going to lose the house. My depression deepened.  I started back into therapy and they changed and then increased my meds. My daughter already had a new man and is pregnant. She and her boys moved out and I’m here in this once happy Home that now feels like a tomb. 

Bottom line is I’m 70 years old, I have COPD and Fibromyalgia so doing much physically is not possible, and I have to move before July 1st. I have limited retirement income so the rentals I can afford are really sad looking compared to any of the houses I’ve owned in the past. More cause for depression. In the end all I can think to do is rely on the Lord to have a plan for me.  Meanwhile I’m fighting to find housing using every resource I can think of and will need to hire someone to help me pack. 

Sorry I wrote a book here, but I’ve found that venting helps too. Anyone out there have any advice, or know of a rental near Palo Cedro, California that’s under $800 a month?

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Don't worry about venting. I understand that your situation is very complicated. I assure you that you will find an eventual solution. Just don't give up. I will continue to write my two favorite quotes from Winston Churchill, "Never, ever, ever give up" and "If you are going through hell, keep going". You are not old, you are not sick, you are not your problems or your situation. I understand how that sounds, but I am serious. It's not just happy talk or psycho-babble. You are a human being, you loved, you lost, you gained, you lost again, you f'ed up, you fixed it, you f'ed up again. That's just life and life is hard. Continue working on trying to fix things, but also don't forget to live. I started my journey to a better tomorrow by letting go of the past (didn't forget it, I just let it go). Then I started eating healthy, every single meal was a healthy meal and may be once a week I would indulge myself with something that wasn't so good for me. Next was exercising. You are never too old or too sick to exercise. Taking a 15 or a 30 minute walk every single does miracles to your physical AND emotional health. I then pushed myself to start hiking and pushing myself more and more and more. I am far from being cured. I lost so much in the last 10 years that I don't know how I am still hanging on, but what choice do I have? I was lucky enough to be born in this world we have this limited time on this planet and I am not going to waste it by giving up or giving in. No, it's not easy. I am never going to say that it's easy, but there is help out there. Motivational videos on YouTube, Books (free and for purchase), Audio-Books, meditation, learning to change our negative thought cycles. Even getting another job or volunteering. No one is going to help you, unfortunately, if you don't help yourself. This is not a communist country where things are provided for you by the government. If we don't work or find a source of income, we don't have shelter and we don't eat. There are government programs to help us. There are other states where cost of living is MUCH less expensive because California is just insane (I live in LA). There are tough choices to make and nothing comes easy, but that doesn't mean you should just sit back and wait for it all to be over. Take action, doesn't matter what it is, start somewhere, at the very basic level, take care of yourself first, then start taking care of other issues, one issue at a time. There is a solution for everything. The only thing we don't have a solution for yet, is death. Everything else is fixable, no matter how impossible it sounds right now