I feel aimless and done of everything, but my life has been comparably normal

Mental health
1

I don't know how to put this to word well enough, but for the last 10 years of my life, I have been coming in and out of thinking that I really have no reason to continue toward the future. That being said, my life when compared to others have been relatively normal, nothing really traumatic happened and then again nothing exciting has happened. 

I feel I have been living in a limbo, I have no outstanding achievement, I am mediocre in all aspects, I am trying to follow a career path that I don't really feel excited about, and I cannot think of any other career path I want to pursue, I have no ambition in life, and I don't want to get into a relationship. It's hard to explain but I can't really understand why I am continuing to live, I don't hate life I just don't feel the need of living. I honestly don't even go out of my way to think about how I should die, it's just that thinking about be done with everything became such a casual thought that it just come up so casually without me noticing. 

I guess I do come off as being unreasonable in the way I think but I have tried traveling oversea, I am prettying outgoing when talking to people, I workout, I try my best in my work, yet however I keep returning to this state of aimlessness and tiredness almost immediately after. I don't feel sad, just extremely weary when thinking about having to face tomorrow, after dipping in and out of it for so long, it has become as familiar that I can't even bring myself the effort to get rid of it (not that I even know how) and honestly I don't even remember what my life was like before it. 

I have tried seeing a psychiatrist once but it ended up nowhere as even though it was a private session, I'm still talking to "someone" especially one of duties so I can't say all that I want to say properly. After finishing all the sessions, the psychiatrist said I was fine (which obviously wasn't true). I'm not condemning him as it obviously work for others, it's just that my personality disallow me from gaining much from it.

I feel like I'm running out of options since I have done almost everything to try to save myself from it. I feel like I'm inconveniencing my family and friends if I end it here, even though I don't think my existence is even contributing to their life, I still know my death will leave some scar. However I wholeheartedly believe that after 10 years of experiencing it, continuing on like this any longer is torturous. The thought of me having to put so much effort everyday to walk into a gray state for another decade brings horror to my mind. 

To be totally honest, I don't know why I decided to write this, I guess I just want to write something after years of pent-up or just to want to find people with similar experience.

2

Hi there, I'm so glad you decided to write. I really do understand where you are coming from. You are weary from the same old, same old Routine! Almost as though you are on auto-pilot and just going through the motions. I've also picked up on your indifference to life in general. I think most people at some time or another feel like that about there lives. Life can seem routine are monotonous and we can start seeking a deeper meaning for our existence. You could well be depressed and I say that because as you described you feel weary. I get the impression you are are feeling numb. Maybe that is a coping mechanism for the boredom and exasperation you feel. Also, you have no enthusiasm about anything, which can also be a symptom if depression. I get the impression that you are bright and feeling pensive and philosophical. Please see the doctor, he could help and it could change the way you feel, and your outlook on life. You could feel different, happier. Please work towards that. I will be keeping an eye on you-make that appointment. Please keep me posted. Best of luck, Donna xxx

3

Thanks a lot for your advice, Donna. But I still don't know if seeing a doctor is really for me, as I said on my first and only encounter with a psychiatrist, I was unable to forget the feeling that I was talking to an employee of a service so it was very difficult to fully describe my thoughts and feelings honestly to him, and that ended without bearing any fruit of success due to my inability to communicate. 

4

M, maybe Donna means anti-depressants, not psychiatry? They could be worth a try. In addition, any good doctor should rule out physical problems, like thyroid under-activity. Just a thought. 

5

I guess that's something to consider, I have been quite reluctant to use medicination since I have viewed them as being for people who have a real reason for being depressed. I just lost my purpose in life without any trigger so I was just unsure.

6

Hi depression can strike at random and there is often no rhyme or reason to it.  You sound depressed to me as well.  Do you find it difficult to get emotional connection to others?  I am not talking about being sociable but to actually connect and understand others on a deeper level. 

I agree to see a  doctor and ask for counselling as well.  I don't know where you live but I am in the UK and you don't normally see a psychiatrist more than a couple of times,  but a counsellor instead.  A good counsellor will provide a sate place for you to explore your feelings and help you work through them.  x

7

Thanks for your reply hypercat. If I am to be honest, I lack the ability to connect with others deeper than on an artificial level, I am unable to understand how I should approach others and try to understand how they feel and think without being afraid of being too nosy so I ended up avoiding interacting with people further than the surface level. 

I see that most people here are from the UK as this is a UK website but I am from its relative, Australia. I also have to admit that I don't know much about my country's own mental health service system. But I will take your advice into heart and look more into what I can get out from my local counselling service.