Hi
I have been on this forum for years....2015 l think. I was fit and healthy then was told l needed both hips replaced as l had OA. I was 42 at the time. Since then l have had both hips both knee's and an ankle fusion done. I now am unable to work and 6 months ago my mum died of cancer. I just feel like my life has been taken. I wake up in pain everyday. I cry constantly. And now l have it in my foot and need more surgery. I can't get a shoe on and because l have been at home for 2 years healing from ops when my mum died l just lost my mind. I have put so much weight on and am disgusted at myself
But l think why bother. But l do bother. I am in a deep depression and have even asked for councilling. Of course there is a waiting time. My heads mush. I feel l would be better of not being here as l have ruined my husbands life and there is nobody that would miss me. Plus no more pain. Then l wake up and think why was l thinking stupid thoughts but it happens over and over. I miss my mum so much. Why did l deserve this life. I am a good person.
Oh dear lors I am so sorry you are in so much pain and while I do understand your reasoning I am wondering if you have talked to your doctor about your depression? It might be that you need bereavement counselling as well.
I can't talk about your physical pain but I certainly can about losing a mum coz I lost mine 4 years ago now. You are still very much grieving so be more gentle with yourself.
Tell you a little story. My mum had a plant called a Day Lily so called coz the flowers only lasted one day but they were big and beautiful. One of my sisters now had the plant and it hadn't flowered in 4 years and they both thought it was dead. Well about 2 weeks before the the first anniversary of her funeral date one bud appeared. We just knew it was going to open on the right day and sure enough 1 flower appeared in all it's glory. We were amazed and just stared at it saying thanks mum we know you are ok now.
Now I had heard these sorts of stories many a time but only half believed them but now I know they are true and it brought my sisters and I comfort.
Now I wouldn't call myself religious or anything but I now believe in the afterlife and believe your lovely mum will always be with you in spirit. She would hate to see you feeling like this and would want nothing more than to see you having the best quality of life that you can. You know she would.
I am hoping she will be sending you a sign as well. Take care of yourself sweetheart and believe me it does get easier over time. x
Hi Lots, I wouldn't blame you for being so sad, a death of a parent is like no other especially your mum. I lost my dad 6 years ago and I still have days when the pain feels like I lost him yesterday. Your mum wouldn't want you to forget living your life though take each day 1 by 1 and tell yourself you're doing this for your mum. Your husband would be devastated if he knew you felt so broken. Find a company called CRUSE they will help you deal with your mum's death. As for your physical health I do understand how you feel and it definitely can get you down. You need really good pain relief I think and an online hug. I do know how you feel, chat on here if you like.