Mum had been in and out of hospital for about 5 years as she kept falling and has so many health problems. Although she is now in a nursing home, I feel the need to visit her daily as she is so unhappy and helpless at present. We had no choice but for her to go there as she could not walk and could not do very much for herself. She has recently deteriorated so much that she now cannot feed herself and is in bed all day waiting to be changed or given a drink or food. She can't press her call bell for help. She is now unable to swallow. I feel so hepless. She must feel ten times worse.
My 87 year old father is now living alone, which makes him sad. He did his best to keep her at home, along with my help. They have been married for 65 years. He suffers from dizzyness, believed to be vertigo. Sometimes he is all over the place and having to hold on to things around him. He has an appointment with a specialist next month. He also suffers from varicose eczma and from time to time gets painful ulcers on his legs, both interfere with his sleep at night. I also visit him almost every day or phone him. I dread turning the key in his door. Always worrying about what I will find. If for any reason he does not answer his phone I go rushing round there. I also cook and clean for him. His bed needs changing at least twice a week because of the state of his legs.
I am regularly taking him to doctors and hospital appointments (opticians etc). Until recently was also accompanying mum to hospital appointments.
Whilst it must be difficult worrying for one parent the strain of two parents in two different places is immense.
I sit with mum and regularly cry when she sleeps, which is most of the time and sometimes a tear has run down her cheek. I go to bed and cry becaue it is awfull seeing your parents in this situation and also because I am so stressed and concerned.
I had to take early retirement because I could not cope with it all. I feel so sorry for both parents now being separated. I love them both dearly but don't know how much longer I can keep up with all the running around.
I feel very alone. Not many people are talking about two parents. I understand the stress of one. Is there anybody else out there having to do the same as I am, for two? How are you coping with it?
I wonder if there will ever be light at the end of the tunnel!
Oh omg! I really feel for you! I am a carer for my disabled hubby! He is 67,and I am 58! We both have osteo arthritis and hubby is severely sighted and deaf! We used to care for my late father! That was not easy! Do you have any help at all with your parents? If not give social services a call! Is your gp aware your a carer? Where do you live in UK? I am in surrey. Thinking of you regards Amanda
Thank you for your kind words. Sorry to hear that you are also having a difficult time. Dad does not want carers coming into his home so I am doing my best to help him. I have siblings who are quite happy to sit back and let me deal with it all. Just been to see mum in the nursing home and she is in a bad way. Been to dad's this morning and this afternoon to make sure he is okay. He's very depressed, mainly beacuse of mum and he feels alone. Thanks once again, just talking about it helps, angm
Hi your a star! But please there is help out there! These elderly men can be so stubborn! You also have a life to lead! How old are your children? Are they old enough to help you out in any way? Where are you from in UK? Thank you again regards Amanda
I am so sorry this life has forced you into this predicament... it is situations like this that once would never have happened ..I worked as a Staff Nurse in a Geriatric Hospital for most of the 1980's and all these situations would have been dealt with once day hospital care terminal rehab etc....The Government has closed all these places with specialist care.. Now we have bed blocking in Hospitals where older people have nowhere to go ..and very often are too sick to live alone and forced to go into Nursing Homes which are less than suitable .. Carers are not trained sufficiently enough either.. I have found a link which may be of help to you with regard to a lifeline button you could arrange for your Father.. There are lots of little things that can be used to help older people like lights flicker when the PHONE rings ..large numbered Phones. I hope that Your Mother is okay? as we are 2 months out from your Listing. It is very sad when couples are split up after so long its like a bereavement for them....years ago they would have been admitted together, but not so caring times we live in old people are separated. which I think is heart breaking for them and only depleates their quality of life and health that makes them slip away sooner than need be..
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/products/independent-living/personal-alarm/
Check around for items that will help support Dad at home and help with his condition, get the Social Services to vist and do an assessment to have rails fitted and wash facilities to help him in his mobility. Doctor will now do a consultation over the Phone and discuss your Father with you, rather than you having to go to them and sit around which is unfair. You need wider Family Support to help you with this.. Try and arrange other to help with calling on your Father. You will make yourself ill too ..This is a huge problem and you need information and help with it, you are not alone..there are people who can help Age Uk are brilliant you need to talk with someone to give you more advice.
Best of Luck and ..my advice is to ring Age Uk first step..
Staff Nurse 1977-2009
Try Age Uk and look up personal alrms which can help should your Dad find himself in a difficult spot.. they are helpful and will stop you worrying. There are many things to help the aged with hearing and impeded sight. Social services should support you as well with other items in the home.. Sorry my link may be withdrawn but check the website will be very useful to you and give you some direction.
Thank you Dawnregina for your words of kindness. Sadly mum passed away on 27th June. I feel so responsible because I didn't have the energy to chase up her problems as well as my fathers. Wrongly, I hoped that the nursing home would do more. My oldest brother always promised he would help with my father but he didn't when I needed help the most. He has stepped in to do a bit now but it is too late for my poor mother.
She did nothing wrong. One of her main problems was ESBL a urine infection that she caught in hospital on one of her stays. I kept telling the nursing home to send a sample to the lab but by the time I felt better and chased this up mum was too ill. I did get her into hospital where they gave her intavenus antibiotics for the infection. The doctor at the hospital also took her off one of her tablets, metoclopramide, when I told him that she had lost the use of her arms, they had gone stiff and she was unable to lift them. It was an anti-sickness tablet that can cause the stiffness. I can't understand why the GP didn't keep an out for that. Within 24 hours she was lifting her arms. She did get a a bit better for a couple of days but still could not swallow.
She went back to the nursing home and died 2 week later.
I am having to get counselling because I can't help but blame myself. When I feel a bit better I am going to take the matters/concerns that I have further with the relevant authorities. I also feel that in order to get past my grief and guilt I am going to have to find the strength to tell my older brother how angry and let down I feel with him.
Thanks once again. I suppose there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel but I would rather have my mother back.
angm
Hi I really feel for you! Please don't beat yourself up by the sad passing of your mother.you did your best.this is all you can do! Being a carer is tough.I can relate to you.if you need to talk I am here for you! Regards Amanda
I understand you want your Mother back.. It's only to be expected am so sorry for your loss so soon.. It was inevitable that this happened she gave Up.. Greiving for your Father after so many years.. Very hard for you to see this and feel their pain.. It was perhaps the kindest thing to happen.. She would have wanted you to be with your Dad much more.. You can talk to each other more about the happier times.. Get the old photos out will help you both go someway toward getting used to her being gone. Although you talking about her I believe will draw her spirit close to you both.. It was so unkind of your brother not to help you more, this happens so often .. It was mainly the women who did the running..This site is a very helpful website.. Give a lot of help and information.. I hope you get in touch with Age UK they will advise you re your Father..Now is your special time with him..
kind regards
Thank you, Dawnregina. I will get in touch with Age UK, angm
hope things are better soon ...✨
I hear your pain and took care of my mother with cancer and I think the light your looking for is maybe there is some
Help you can receive because of the situation your fathers in. Talk to hospital and old age home see if someone else can change bed and make a meal or if you can afford meal on wheels cause you then know someone is regularly visiting. Pull out the photo albums reminds with your father and as he reminds you of stories you've forgotten you can hold and tell your mom of this story you and dad were talking about. Try try not to get so consumed in everything you feel you have to do and hopefully you and your mom can sure a few smile still as she knows getting old sucks . My mother passed to quickly and then my dad I kinda wish I had just looked at items in house or albums and got a few more stories that I've forgotten in growing up. Spend a little time talking to hospital support sometimes they can boost your creative juices . Wrap around hugs to you
Hi Where are you from? In the UK there is help out there.Do you have full care of Your parents? It's not easy when they are elderly.If your living here in UK it would bebe worth asking social services to help.Good luck regards Amanda h
I've dealt with one parent grieving for the other after their death, but never two at once. And separate locations! I just want to encourage you to keep talking if it helps. I send all my sympathy and well wishes for what you're doing. I'm sure you'e doing the best you can. Caretaking is not easy!
Thank you for your kind words. It's been just over a year now since losing mum. It's still very hard. Dad misses her very much. I suppose it's easier now just looking after him but I would give anything to have mum back.
Hi there, I just came across your post, I know its a few years old now and I am hoping you have moved on a bit since then.
I just want to say how much I admire how hard your worked for your parents and how stressful it must have been for you. You really did as much as you could and I know we always feel we could do more but we are only human.
My Dad died 7 years ago and I always felt I could have done more. In the end a possible cause was a change of medication which he and my Mum said one thing, the document said the opposite.
It was tempting to try to fight it but it would not bring him back.
My Mum over the last few years has been in and out of hospital and until recently has been doing really well. Considering she is 92 and lives on her own without any help except me and my family and her friends.
A year ago just over she went down hill and ended up in hospital. Thankfully she improved and came home and has dont well over the course of this year.
I do recall though being on holiday in northumberland and getting a call from the company that runs her lifeline to say she had a fall. She and we live nr southampton, so not alot I could do! Thankfully it wasnt a bad fall and she stayed at home.
She constantly has this fear of falling and she knows if it happens again she will end up in hospital. I too have the same fear.
We are due to go on holiday next week and just this week she said she feels unsteady on her feet and I just get the same feeling I had a year ago.
I feel selfish that I am thinking of our holiday which has been planned for almost a year but just pray she will be ok.
I am glad I found your post and I really hope you have been able to move on a little. You deserve it.
Hi, it must be a worry for you with your mum falling. I have recently got dad into a residential home as he kept falling. I have sold his flat to pay for it. I hope he is safer there. I try to go up every day and visit him to make sure that they are caring for him properly. (Would you believe that I have 4 siblings?)
With regards to mum, I took a case out against the GP surgery in charge of her, with the Parliamentary Health Ombudsman and I won, not much consulation for me but it might help somebody else in the future (It took 18 months from start to finish). Apparantly the anti-sickness drug that they had her on for 9 months should not have been administered for more than 5 days (all doctors should have been aware of this). There were other failings which I will not now go over.
I hope that you have a lovely holiday. Is there anybody who can pop in on your mum. Might it be worth considering paying carers to come in to her whilst you are away. They won't be there all the time but it might give you some peace of mind.
I desparately need a holiday as I have not been away now for about 8 years, since mum started to be so ill. I still can't bring myself to go any where whilst dad is still alive.
It's nice to hear of a caring son as it usually all falls to the daughter (in our culture anyway). I have now only just eased up on blaming myself for my mum's death. I guess that that is something we all do. I'm sure you did your best for your father as you are now doing for your mother.
Getting old really sucks (if you'll pardon the expression). It is also very painful for the family seeing it. I certainly am not looking forward to it myself. I hope my daughter does not have the worry that I have had.
Anyway, all the best to you and I hope that you have a well earned break.