I've been on and off treatment for 12 years now. On constantly for the last 6 years. And nothing seems to improve. Every time I get a little better and manage to actually go to work, all the extra support and talking therapies are taken away.
It's exhausting. It takes me longer and longer to trust people when they keep saying "you seem to be better. I'll discharge you now."
I haven't had any big life event, I had a decent enough childhood with a large, fairly supportive family. There's no reason I can see for me feeling this way.
But I do.
I just see everything people do for me and think "I'll never be able to repay it all". I feel like a complete and utter s***.
And now I just feel too tired to keep fighting. It's just a cycle, slowly spiralling downwards. I feel like cutting out the spiral and taking the direct route towards what seems inevitable.
I've had depression for 16 years hospitalised 3 times with it, it took years to get me on the right meds and for the last 6 years of my life has been the best in my 16 years of depression then in December 2015 boom,wasnt the same really low feeling with depression but I kept thinking there was something medically wrong with me.
Now they reckon I have anxiety and that my meds of 6 years has stopped working,with depression I managed to hold down a job most of the time but with this 2 months in I had to quit my job I couldnt function and now I fear the anxirty is now making my depression worse.
Mental illness is nasty,we have to stay strong takes our meds and talk to people wether it is family or a therapist
This is always a tough one to reply to as some of us are feeling the same. All any of us can do is turn to others for support to keep going and not give up. We can learn to live with it and sometimes it will be better, possibly, even gone. We do need to lean on whoever we can, including our doctors and this support group. You are not alone even though it feels like it. Keep going with us.
Just wanted to reassure you that the depression isn't your fault and there is iften no underlying cause that we can identify - that doesn't mean it's any less valid an illness than any other. Life is about helping one another on the journey so don't feel guilty about needing extra support when you are struggling. Wouldn't you offer a helping hand to a friend if they were in need? In fact, I'm sure that you have done so many times. The daily battle is so tiring. That's why it's important to establish your coping strategy and boundaries and try to stick to a self-care regime. I have exactly the same thoughts about "when" not "if" but they are just thoughts and they do not have to become an inevitability. When you are low, try to focus on the positive things in your life and be grateful for those around you who are helpful. Be honest with them and be thankful - it is easy to behave self-destructively and alienate those who care. Depression makes life more challenging for us and those in our lives so be kind to them and yourself (but yourself most!) I hope you begin to see the light soon my friend. Be strong and take care. Don't be a stranger on this forum ;-)