I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

Mental health
21

Yeah I understand I've worked a job for the last 9 months with the end goal to visit America which am now questioning if i should go as been pretty down recently, but have decided I would kick myself i didnt go. Its funny i just took a career quiz and it sugessted i should be a teacher or a councellor which a few people have suggested as I like talking and helping people.

I always thought I wanted a job where i dont work with people but after a while i would get bored and feel like it didnt matter and find the time goes slower than working with people. 

Yeah im starting to realise when am going down hill and instead of asking the question why do i feel this way i do something about it hence going back on tablets before i get any worse as I know i would. Am close to my family we have a good relationship but i dont have many friends back in the UK and made some good ones in Australia that understand me, but i miss been able to chat to my family and do things together. 

I completly understand about the act if you asked anyone previously i worked with they would say I was so happy with a smile on my face and looked so collected. It is hard especially when you have that little voice in your head saying whats the point, what would i rather be doing and your no good. 

If i was there would take you for a pint or orange juice now am on the pills but its good to have somone to talk to i only have a few friends that have gone through what i have but can relate and make me feel better. I havent had a gf in a long time and do miss the company. Does she understand what your going through? 

22

smile  rsjg.   There is not much more available to me because of my age then there is you.  Many of the groups are for old people who want to knit and gossip.  Nearly all of them have or did have partners, children and grandchildren and I don't so I don't have a lot in common with them.  

Oh I do have loads of people who would miss me but no one who would be devastated.   I still have lots of issues to do with intimacy and love which I don't think I will ever be able to solve so I don't think the partner thing is ever going to happen.  I have accepted this now but still feel sad about it.  Still that's life I guess.  Thanks for your reply.  xx

23

We certainly have strong similarities, you seem to be a lot further along in your understanding of you and your triggers though. Going to Australia in the first place is quite an acheivement and you must be doing something right!

I too only really get enjoyment from helping others, the issue comes that when that 'problem' is solved I feel of no use and begin to withdraw. I have done it with friends and family. My girlfriend is a case in point, she had relationship, financial and work issues and I helped her solve all of these to be in a better place to the point now she considers everything to be pretty good in those departments, but I have nothing left to offer her. Worse still, I am now only going to be a burdn on her financially and emotionally and can offer her no decent future prospects. All that swims in my head is "if you love them let them go" as staying with her seems very selfish.

However, she is the first person who I have ever really shared this with. My past relationships completed the cycle! She understands as much as one can and is very supportive but I feel that her patience must run out eventually (she's a teacher so she does have a lot!) and she shouldn't have to deal with this anyway.

If I were you I'd visit America. Not sure where you're going but if you have the means then do it. If nothing else it is something to look back on one day and think 'wow, I did that' and gives you that ton more of info to talk about with friends, strangers, future partners that can fill those awkward moments when you're not sure what to say! You've lived abroad, nearly everyone would say that's pretty cool!

Cheers for the offer of a drink ha ha! But I'm so crap I'd probably just put it off and hope to be left alone! The lovely thing about the internet is it is so anonymous even I don't mind being honest. The second I meet someone I'm worrying I'm boring them, annoying them etc! Even my CBT doc!

I wish I could find just one positive to focus on. I really can't. The only one I should have (my gf) I twist to make it one of the biggest negatives - me being a burden to her. I'm not fun, I'm not confident, I now have no job, I have cr*p future financially, I can never acheive in basic things like house buying etc (I've never even owned a car in my name!) because every time I get myself on an even keel I sabotage it best I can, waiting for the disaster to hit.

Cheers for the replies. 

24

Yeah my family remind me how much an achievement it is but i feel like am missing a lot of family time which i do crave and a Greggs Sausage Roll smile. 

I dont think you should look at it as burdening her I'm sure you both have fun and its great you helped her and now shes helping you till you find another job. I'm sure something will come up and know how you feeling as am trying to find a temp job for the next few weeks until I go away. You just need to do little things and am sure she will appreciate.

I used to date a teacher when I was teaching as well and she totally got what I was feeling and was nice to have someone to confide in. I think teaching is a hard career its more of a lifestyle than a job.

Ive decided to go on my trip to America but have shortened my trip to 4 weeks so cant wait as am catching up with a friend who lives in New York. Im quite lucky that i can travel but have made sacrifices to be able to do it as often as i like. I dont have a car either, i only started doing lessons this year but the day I failed my exam i was also going under for general surgery as they found a mole that they thought could have been cancerous my head wasnt in a right place for the test. 

Im sure you wouldnt bore me and sure you have some fun stories from your teaching days. Have you always been a teacher?

You just need to focus on getting better thats number one if thats trying a different type of medication then give that a try. I was on one type over here that made me so much worse and then i tried one with a lower dosage and helped me mellow out. It sucks that we feel this way, I didnt get up till like the 5 pm today as i felt that bad just didnt want to see anyone or leave my bed. Ive just started back on my meds and i know this is usual and just getting a shower and going out seems like am climbing Everest. I just over think things and always have, I wish i didnt and were just like other people that seem to be relaxed most of the time. I think about the future a lot as been single for over 8 years, dont really know what i want to do as a career as want to get out of IT, dont even know if i want to stay in Australia. I sometimes think there must be more to life than this  you know just working, meeting someone, kids and buying a house which i know sounds childish and then i go back to thinking about travelling the fun and exciting times i had meeting new people constantly, the random jobs and waking up sometimes in a new part of the country it was so hard going back to a routine and still know i preferd the travelling lifestyle. Didnt mean to ramble but trust me we all think and worry about the future, just got to keep plodding on and making decisions we feel are the best smile. 

What does your girlfriend say when you tell her you feel like a burden?

Hope im not been too intrusive. 

25

Hi, a late response to your post,I just really felt the need to reply. So much of what you said resonates with me, actually all of it does. The feeling like a burden thing, especially to my husband who is a fully functioning member of society who although sympathetic doesn't really get how others aren't  so I can't shake the feeling that I'm dragging him down and why on earth would he want to hang around. The day to day struggle to perform simple tasks ie make a phone call, deal with the plumber, go to the shops for food. I could go on forever with my feelings but really I just seem to be someone whom life is just to hard for. And like you, it's for no good reason.

personally I'm over it, I feel like when I die I'll just breathe a giant sigh of relief and say thank god that's over.

Really I just wanted to say thanks for your post and to the others that have replied that they are in the same boat.

It helps to know that somewhere out there, there is someone who gets it and doesn't think you're at all weird. 

I wish you all the best on your journey 

 

26

Thanks for the reply, its nice to know you're not alone isn't it? However, it'd be nicer if people said it got any better! I hate the idea that this is forever, like an alcoholic or something!

I hope you haven't given up; I don't know how you just 'get over it', for good or bad! I have no spiritualty (I almost envy those who do!) so am under no illusions that it gets better after life but, much like someone in constant physical pain, I feel like I should be allowed to just give up without guilt.

I fully empathise with your issues, they sound identical! I beat myself up a little more as, being a man, society expects you to step up - think I get weird looks when the gf is dealing with everything!

I wish you luck with your future too - I hope you are doing something to try and fight it as I think without at least trying Meds/ Talk therapy etc then giving up in your head can easily turn in to giving up 'properly'.

27

I understand exactly what you mean Ihm88.  That's how I feel as  well.  I have always found life hard work as well and nothing has come easy for me.  I wish something would for a change :d  

I am 60 now and am tired,  tired of fighting, and fairly tired of living but hey ho I have made it this far so some credit is due I guess.  

I am just living now to make sure I get the pension I deserve after working all my life.  Can't get it til 65 (hate the barstewards who changed that).  I am determined to get my money's worth and live til at least 96 :d  x

28

Thats emotional flatness and it is depression. You sound like you've got a lot going for you, plenty of work experience, a girlfriend. I get that you can't enjoy anything, maybe talk to your doctor about getting another prescription? Sometimes certain medications work better than others. Regular exercise is good eg running. Happiness is a concept which is chosen. Try to see the brilliant person that you are and how much you've already done. See you feeling discontent with your occupation as a chance to do something about it. Think about what sort of job you'd really want to do. The problem is we grow up around the news which is often a negative source of information. Mindfulness may be of help to you, meditation could help too.

29

I feel just the same as you do. I really do not find anything to be impressive anymore and that makes me feel like I've seen it all. I just cant help to think there's nothing new even when it is.

I wish us all the very best.

30

I just googled "I am tired of life" and came across your discussion.  I read your initial entry and thought I was reading about myself.  I thought you stated your position extremely well and showed a tremendous amount of insight. 

I also feel like my partner/wife would be better off without me.  I know it.  I have given up on relationships and have very few friends left.  I wished I had an answer but even if I feel like I have an answer, it doesn't mean I will follow it simply because I am tired of trying.  About the only three things get me somewhat excited are loooking forward to my next bike tour, my dog, and volunteering which gives me a good dose of perspective.  Except for spending time with my do, doing the other 2 are requiring  more and more effort. 

I feel like I am fanning the flames instead of trying to help so I will stop.  I hope you and others with the same situation will find some relief.   

 

31

I have read the replies and sympathise with you all, despite it being some time since I wrote the original post. Unfortunately little changes.

Paulsinbc you sound very similar! I'm impressed you can volunteer, I struggle with people and then somehow feel worse as I think I should be able to cope compared to people who have REAL problems. I've never felt hard done by or unfortunate - my problems are me!

However, you're right, there is an element of fanning the flames! The reason I've largely stopped looking at this site is I don't see a benefit for me or anyone else. I recognise some may get comfort from support from like minded people, or signposted to suitable resources or recognise symptoms of PTS or similar, but for me all I read is people who live with it forever with no answers and that in itself is depressing.

People say knowledge is power, but I find it to be a curse. The more you know, the more you realise your insignificance, the hopelessness of situations and the reality of the world rather than the rose-tinted 'it'll all work out in the end' view we're told to believe. I really struggle with the inability of professionals to accept that some people don't succeed, some people do fail, some people aren't talented, some people aren't nice - why can't that be me? It's no different than saying "it can't happen to me".

So for that reason I'm very much keeping this site at arms length. I'd unrealistically hoped for advice or signposting or, ridiculously, a miracle cure but it's more a gathering for people to support each other with knowing nods or virtual hugs. I recognise the support that may give to others but for me, it just makes me feel worse.

32

Hi rsjg, I'm new here, so its strange to see that 8 months have passed since you started this thread.  I want to ask how things have been during the last 8 months.  I also have lots of questions about how things have moved in your life (internally and externally), even relating to any treatment or recovery processes.

Have you come any closer to deciding which aspects of your experience might be depression and which may be character?

Have you found ways to feel less like a burden?

What decisions did you make regarding work and relationships and where have you found suppot during the 8 months?

When you wrote initially, you said you weren't looking for answers, but now you admit that you had hoped for advice and signposting, and felt disappointed at the input from this website.  Well, I was quite glad to read through your post and the responses as I felt there was a lot there to provide some direction and inspiraton.  I think your hope for advice and signposting is quite realistic, looking through the various responses.

You talked before about cycles of mood? Is that something which is still going for you? How does that work in your life?

Just drinking a juice of cucumber and tomato - deelicious and fresh.​

33

What is it with my compulsion to reply despite my last comment?! wink

Yeah 8 months, feels both more and less. Unfortunately I doubt I will either give you insightful answers or even a nice positive slant on my response - you have been warned!

Little has changed. I tried drugs, didn't work, I tried therapy, too much religion and not willing to try again - a weird catch 22 in where you need to ask for help but are afraid of talking to people even day to day. Friends are nonexistent, I quit my job and haven't returned. I still feel like a burden to those around me, and how ever much they care it doesn't excuse it - in fact it makes it worse. I can't escape feeling that if I was a good person then I'd protect them from me - if you were highly infectious with a  deadly disease would you hug your family? So internally and externally, very much status quo. I'm still here, slightly surprisingly.

It is fair to say I'm confused as to my wants and beliefs about my situation. One day it's just me and there is no hope, next day it's won't please someone give me a magic wand (but I won't ask!). If I seem ungrateful with any responses then that wasn't my intention, maybe it's my way, I always focus on negative and all I see is lots of people struggling and no-one coming out the other side. It feels like the blind leading the blind.

Further more most people seem to have a good reason through circumstance or substance abuse or dramas in their life -I'm just like this for no real reason. Pretty pathetic really.

My girlfriend does support me but it both helps me survive and yet stops me facing my issues and makes me feel not good enough and as if I'm holding her back. I know she doesn't feel that, but I feel like it MUST or it will eventually when she realises what she'll miss out on.

Cycles of mood are continuous but rarely hit a positive slant, some days I'm just ok and potter around and others I feel the strongest urge to give up. The only trigger I know doesn't help (but isn't crucial) is the weather but that's common with lots of people. A bad day will turn in to a bed day easily if it's grey! Lucky I live in UK wink

I've tried improvements in diet etc but I'm not exactly a bad eater anyway, exercise is fine but doesn't really change anything, just gives me something to do. Easily lose will to do it though. My socialising is obviously nonexistent and I try to encourage girlfriend to do her own thing with friends in that respect.

So in summary, nothings changed, I'm in a state of status quo, every plan I come up with I find a major flaw in, I strongly doubt there's a way out, I hate the way I look, sound and feel and feel I should protect people from their own blinkered love.

So, sorry and hope you have more success.

34

Well your family and girlfriend would never get over it, from what I've read. Plus it can go wrong and be messy. It sounds like you thinking you are 'boring' is your take on things. You don't have to feel sad to be depressed, some feel nothing at all. I think it would be a shame to see you go. To me it sounds like you have plenty to be grateful for, a girlfriend, a family who loves you. Personally I recommend that you try yoga classes-I'm aware this sounds insane, but entertain the idea a second/bare with me. I suffer from OCD/depression/anxiety. Ever since I started doing yoga things got better for me-it helped me relax/exercise. You could spin this around and start thinking you have nothing to lose. As for the antidepressants I recommend you start exercising regularly-cardiovascular and weights. Similar effect, no side effects. Try setting yourself a regime Running in the morning, weights afternoon. Listen to music whilst doing so. You can beat this, trust me.

35

I'm not deluded enough to think people wouldn't care if someone close to them wasn't there anymore. People aren't generally that heartless. However, it doesn't mean they wouldn't be better off. Like a child who is removed from an unfit parent; they'd cry and be upset and miss them but ultimately they're better off. We all get over loss - we don't as easily get over regret, disappointment and missed opportunities. Only I hold people back.

I agree, I have nothing to really complain about, I almost wish I did as then it'd explain it. I just can't cope with society; I can't even talk to people on the phone or worry about what a stranger thinks of me. I just don't know what to do; stubbornness, stupidity, anxiety stops me from doing things and every time I try to fight it I can only keep up the pretence for a while and then everything collapses. I just know I'm right - we seem scared to admit some people are just failures and not equipped. We could name loads of people in our lives we could say are useless or horrible etc, but the second their is an element of affection for them is we decide to lie to them and ourselves - "they're just unlucky/ need help/ have hidden talents" - I don't believe it.

I have, and if not struggling, do still do a fair bit of exercise. Cycling, jogging etc but fitness has never really helped. In my 20s particularly I was extremely fit but it didn't help. When I said way I look I meant more appearance than shape.

I do appreciate responses but worry there is no hope. Maybe I can't hear it even if there is....

36

Oh and yeah, very fair to say I'm boring! Never smoked, done drugs, broken the law, have no wild stories, rarely drink, don't socialise, am afraid of people - I'm as vanilla as it comes! I know it's easy to change that if I wanted but I also can't on the same hand if that makes sense. If I'm not boring, you couldn't describe anyone as boring!

37

I really think you should try the medication route again.  There are so many different types and combinations of antidepressants out there.  I personally take 20mg of Paroxetine once a day and 50mg of Quetiapine before bed each night.  It's only been a month but I really think it is helping me as well as chatting with people on this forum.  I quit a good job of thirteen years last year because of anxiety, then spent the next six months sitting on the couch self-medicating on painkillers.  Never to the extent that I was high, but just to feel normal.  I had to kick my own arse into gear because I'm the sole carer of a special needs child and no-one else was there to step in to do the job.  Everyday when I get up I still have to re-affirm my dreams and goals and why it so important that I get better.  Almost like a daily mantra. One of my goals is to finish a novel I started before I got ill three years ago.  But instead of just sitting down in front of the computer and writing, which really is not much of a motivation, I've joined an online writer's group and am in the process of doing up one of the spare rooms into a study.  A place that belongs to me only where I can display all my favourite things (incuding my Star Wars collectibles) and where I can go to escape from the world.  I guess I can say I do have genuine reasons for my anxiety and depression, including financial, health and the fact that my daughter is considered severely disabled (she has Phelan-McDermid Syndrome, one of only 500 in the world), but everyday I pick my daughter up from the special school she attends I am always reminded life could be far worse.  You don't truly appeciate how lucky you are until you've walked though a special school full of wheelchair bound kiddies with feeding chubes in their little bellies.  Since my daughter has attended that school at least three children have passed away because of the complications associated with their disabilities.  My daughter may not be able to talk and I have to attend all her self-care needs even though she is nine years of age (and probably will for the rest of her life) but at least she is healthy and robust.  Life feels so bloody hard sometimes, but I know I don't have a choice but to keep slogging along.  

38

There's a degree of melancholy one experiences when depressed and with it comes the stubborness-I know, Ive been there. It doesn't help and you have to avoid the temptation to ruminate in it. Boring? Even if someone else did describe you in that way it's only their own subjective opinion. Ps I've found one of my hidden talents so I can't agree with you there. Inevitably you'll be good at something. I wasn't pointing out the good in your life to guilt trip you, I was hoping you could come up with a few more. Practicing gratefulness/thanking people raises happiness

39

I smiled at that last comment - my girlfriend says I'm too nice. It's a idea I struggle with (how can someone be too nice?) but she says people just take advantage or walk all over me. I'd bend over backwards to help a stranger even if it detrimented me which is possibly part and parcel of the worrying about what others think element. So whilst on here I may come across ungrateful I can assure you I'm not really - this is perhaps my selfish place. I've tried to be very thankful for all the responses on here, I just struggle to see any benefit in it.

You can't say you have a hidden talent and then not say what it is wink that's just mean...! Good for you though. Genuinely. However some people are just bang on average, I'm one of those. I'm not in some deluded spiral that makes me think I'm the worst at anything, or have a difficult hand or anything, I'm just realistic and know I, like many others, are just bang on average but if I do dip one way it's always the worse than average way. It's my head that beats me up for my limitations and stops me just fuctioning - it's hard to explain so I'll stop!

Trying to think of good things is difficult for me, I can't think of anything I can't put a negative slant on! Maybe I'm good at arguing... But if I look at widely accepted sections of my life it's not a good overall picture:

Family - fed up with me, disappointed and feel sorry for me on one hand. Have never really included me anyway (but maybe that's my withdrawal tendancies)

Love Life - good and yet that makes it bad! If I didn't care about her I'd be quite happy taking advantage but if you love someone you don't want to hurt them in any way, emotionally, financially, future etc. If you love them let them go as the saying goes...

Financially - was poor, sorted with job, would be cleared up in a few years (credit) but don't struggle day to day at all as girlfriend is very successful. So I'm just leaching...

Friends - if you can measure a person by their friends then I'm zero. I mean zero, not one person. My fault, there fault it, it doesn't really matter.

Health - other than this(!) ok really, standard weight, normal height, don't smoke, drink or do drugs. Eat reasonably healthily and do sport sporadically when it's either sunny and/or I have a spark of inspiration. Tried routines, lasted a week before a bad day threw it all off.

Career - down the pooper! Can't return to full time teaching, know I can't do that. To 'stuck up' for want of a better word to take a shop job knowing I trained to be a teacher. Also can't find another job that is term time only (to spend time with partner). I'd struggle in ANY job anyway. Too overqualified for most things that might suit purpose. Supply is possibility but that means new people and stuff every day - not my string point! Plus it means phone calls for availability and I can't talk on phone! Pathetic, whinging, excuse riddled crap eh? Not on benefits or anything as gf is on plentiful wage.

Looks - awful, have the face of a teenager who can't grow even a hint of a moustache never mind a beard which means I'm constantly asked for ID (or my parents if a knock at the door) despite being 34!!! People say you should be flattered but to me it feels like a kick in the face - maybe it's the bloke thing, it's like people telling you you're a child. I almost am a child... My facial skin is awful too, no creams or regimes suggested by the girlfriend work so I've just given up. Maybe I'm an expert at giving up!! To be fair, all things above have been tried for at least 6 months from drugs to therapy to face cream!

I do appreciate your help/advice. I still wonder if it's just character rather than depression. Maybe I'm just a cynical, boring, lonely, ugly loner. That's fine when it's just you, a killer when you feel you're holding others back from a 'proper' life.

 

40

Let me start by saying I feel for you, I really do. You have a GENUINE reason to feel like you do and should not feel bad or apologise for asking for help! You make me feel even more pathetic but that's my issue rather than yours!! Perspective makes me think even worse of myself as I know I'm lucky compared to lots - so why do I feel like this?

As regards the drug route, a lot of people have suggested this. However one major issue stops me and is not really ever talked about - I'm terrified of people/meetings etc! So I can't see a Doctor! When at my lowest I was being ferried around so had no choice and needed a Doctors note etc but now the thought of seeing a Doctor (or any body I know I have to talk to) terrifies me to the point I'd almost have a panic attack. So not sure what to do there really! Still not convinced on the drug thing anyway - it only made me slightly manic (obsessed with projects) and had no effect on my overall mood at all, well other than making the idea of 'going' seem even more rational.

So instead of me whinging on and on let me just make a few completely uneducated comments regarding your situation. You don't seem depressed so much as tired! I don't mean that in a dismissive way but you clearly have a lot on your plate and I think (if there is any) you need some support. I'd go as far as saying I doubt the drugs are halping you - they seem to be treating a symptom not a cause.

Did you have anxiety before all the pressures you're under? I think you'd feel a hell of a lot better quicker if you directed your energy to finding financial and/or respite support if there is any. You're probably doing too much and it's impacting on your health physically and emotionally. If there isn't any further help then, other than shaking your head at the hand you've been dealt, then you seem to have a good plan of action at the moment. If that plan could be super organised to include you (as in time for yourself etc) and maybe incorporate a job (if you so wished) you may find you were in control a bit more.

I'm not trying to sound dismissive at all I promise! You have a compelling reason to feel the way you do and I acknowledge I'm talking without all the facts. I just get the sense it's a lack of control on a very hectic/ emotional draining life that is you're primary concern. For example, if you won the lottery and could deal with all the bills and give the care to your daughter you wish do you think you'd feel infinitely better? You're depressed because of the situation I think so hopefully either you, or you and others, could plan a route that would help you considerably. I think there is a lot of hope for you to be VERY happy and enjoy your life with your daughter but you've just been struggling for years and it's worn you down. Asking for help (other than medicinal) is the right way to go.