I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

Mental health
1

I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.

I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.

I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.

I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.

So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.

I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.

I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.

A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?

I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.

Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...

2

oh im so sorry to read all this,  i pretty much feel the same as you,   and i often think i wish i never was born,    and i find my life a total diseaster, all the wrong decisions i made...im very depressed, taking medication, see counsellor,  but in the end its all up to yourself..

i wish you all the strength x

3

I pretty much felt like that most of my life.  Moving from place to place whether it is work, friends, relationships or home.  Living is just so tiring and it isn't fun or enjoyable. It took me a failed marriage which ended in the most hostile way possible to seek some help.  I am slowly and beginning to admit that it is some form of depression.  Haven't done the CBT though.  Even if you don't think you are suffering from depression, try everything, you never know, something might work for you.

4

Thank you. I wish you luck too. I'm sure you've made some right decisions. Wouldn't it be nice to read about someone who 'recovered' or will we have to live this til the end?

5

Thank you. I am trying everything but more out of doing what I'm told than having a belief anything will change. I couldn't vouch for CBT yet, it's done nothing. Mind you same for medication! What is depression and what is just character?!

6

Hi I relate very much to what you are saying as I have much the same thoughts.  I just feel sad and hopeless much of the time and wish my life could end in a natural way.  Then I feel awful thinking this with so many people with life threatening illnesses who desperately want to live.  

I don't have anyone to love me - no partner or kids (I am 60) so you are one up on me.  I have 3 sisters and only 1 nephew.  1 sister (who I don't have or want any contact with) has 1 son.  She is a snob.  Out of my other 2 1 is a recluse and shuts herself away and the other is a thief who stole all our mothers money before she died.  So I have no one who would truely miss me.  At least you have love and constant people in your life.  

7

I no exactly how you feel.reading what you've wrote sounds like I wrote it myself I just don't have an answer to give you I wish I did I'd help myself too , I just wanted you to no there are others who feel the same . Cbt isn't helping me either.

8

If so many of us are feeling the same way, it almost seems like it is actually normal to feel this way about life.

9

yes...it woukd be very nice to read about someone who has been suffering from depr. and is now feeling happy and normal again

 

10

That's exactly how I felt the first time I had depression.

You don't need to have a life changing event or crisis to suffer depression. All you need is to not be producing enough serotonin in your brain. And you get this feeling you described of never truly enjoying life.

Anti-depressants can help but every person's brain is different so pills aren't a one size fits all sort of thing. It can take time to work, or even to find the right ones for you. I tried 2 before the third drug worked for me. But that is something you may want to discuss with your gp or counsellor.

11

I read through your posts and found them to be really helpful as Ive suffered from anxiety and depression since 18 but never really knew what it was till recently. I decided recently to go back to a low amount of medication for anxiety and depression to hopefully keep me mellow as I broke down walking home from work one day and locked myself away for a while.

I suffered from my first major breakdown at 21 now 27,  I started a new job as a teacher I was fine for the first 2 months but the more responsibility I took on the more i got stressed and anxiety and evently depression kicked in. I couldnt hold myself together and would go home and cry myself to sleep. I didnt want people to see me the way I was including my family and as I had moved to a new area in the UK only had a few friends I could confide in about what I was going through. Now when i look back on it i just wish i had been more wiser as seeked a second opinion as my doctor at the time just said i needed to get out more and see more friends. I was actually doing ok and enjoyed helping students with there studies and a lot of it was in my head. In the end my parents came down and took me home and looked after me and got me back to a normal state. 

I just wanted to say give everything a try to keep yourself motiviated even if its going to the gym, catching up with a friend or trying a new job.

Id like to say am cured and never suffer from it but that would be lying. But once i got back on my feet i went travelling had some great experiences and now living in Australia.

Im not going to say am perfect now as I have another dilema in my life if I want to stay in Australia or go home as feeling not completly settled and I have been in Aus for nearly 5 years. 

I just want to say your not alone and more people are suffering from anxiety/depression these days and you dont realise how common it is as people find it hard to dicuss as its your emotions and feelings. My doctor said it can depend on your personality and just what kind of person you and how you react to a situation. 

Im not sure if this has helped and sorry if I have rambled on but I wish you luck in the future. I try and do one at least one new experience a week if thats trying a new restaurant, go on a date or meet a new person. I started hitting the gym more as its very cliche but feel so much better after going. 

Hope you feel better soon. Have a listen to a band called the Album Leaf it helps me relax and close off my mind. 

Mark

12

Great message. Funnily enough I am/was a teacher too - but I think the environment is particularly toxic for those with is style of thinking (the profession is based around you/ the work never being good enough and what can you do to improve in the UK)

Catch 22 means that once this impacts you to the degree I had to quit my job, it means you cut off a social group and have no money for new experiences/ days out.

As regards you, I'd stay in Australia! I imagine it's a lot nicer when you have a crappy day opening the curtains to sunshine! Tthat'd make a little, but significant difference.

I'm not sure what I'll do now, think teaching is gone, can't see what I can do to keep me 'sane' as a career and find very little point in most things. I go to CBT but it just feels like we're talking about philosophy, my way of thinking hasn't changed one iota.

I had no reasons to think this way, I created them almost. Now I actually have no job etc. I am not a victim, I did it to myself. I think I have just given up, if I see 2015 I will be a little surprised as I imagine something will come along in next few months that will be enough to knock me fully over the edge; an unexpected bill, a worry how I'm impacting on my partner, a death in the family - something...

13

I'm wary of drugs anyway. But I gave them about three months plus and no effect at all. If my life meant I had to take drugs forever I'd rather not anyway!

14

Maybe on here! smile But what's hardest is seeing other people cope/ find it easy to do things you can't, e.g. make a phone call! It should be a simple task but I find it incredibly difficult. Everyone stresses, we all know that - its the degree to which we do and how it effects us before and after the event.

15

I'm not sure what the protocol on here is for a 'knowing nod' so I'll just give you virtual hug and hope we both have a miracle!

16

I doubt you have no one, family is only one part. Work friends? Neighbours?

But, for the sake of discussion, if there is really no-one then in a way you know how to feel better and that gives you a lot of power. I don't even know how to be 'happy' and feel I should leave those around me before I drag them down too!

If you feel lonely, then be a little more proactive, join some clubs or groups etc. Without being offensive, you are a little older than me and there are a lot more clubs set up for your age group than mine that wouldn't be intimidating. I get expectations of sports clubs (loud bravado people!) or nightclubs etc where as I'm sure there are more suitable groups for you. Knowing what you want to make you happy is a great thing.

As for your family, you seem to want nothing to do with them. Great! Sorry, people on here may say that's sad etc or to try but it's your situation - if you simply don't get on then absolutely forget them. People survive without families all the time. Or you mentioned the recluse, maybe you need each other...

I sympathise, in case that didn't come across, so whilst I appreciate I have one on you by having a partner (although that can make you feel worse by the way in that you feel like a burden) you also have one on me knowing what will make you happy.

You don't need family/partner to feel loved. In fact family's love often feels more 'because you're family' than out of want. Friends are there purely because they want to be.

17

Thanks for your reply rsjg.   I do see on sister quite a lot and of course I do have friends - several close ones,  drinking friends,  casual friends etc.  I am not working as can't get a job so am often lonely.  

I do go to a social club for over 55's but don't do knitting!   I play cards in one of them and attend a writers group.  Despite my advanced age I do occasionally go to nightclubs you know...smile.

I have quite a good social life and go out at least 3 evening a week playing darts and dommies with the lads at my local.  I also go to bingo.

Oh and I certainly don't need my reclusive sister!!!  You sound very young and I think you will find that us 'old folk' don't sit in a corner of a kitchen anymore knitting anymore and I hope you will be the same when you are old like me....

It doesn't follow that I know how to make myself happy so I don't know where you got that idea.   I keep as busy as I can but what I was saying was I don't have love in my life or anyone really close to me.  That makes me unhappy.  No one would miss me that much if I wasn't here.  

 

18

Yeah teaching isnt for everyone and at that time in my life it wasnt. Have you thought about going travelling for extended time go work some jobs you never thought you would do. I worked on a farm stay and at one point cooked up a meal for 40 people which i never thought I could do and had to wash emus and feed osterichs lol. I know its hard to save but just cutting some luxarys out makes it a little easier. 

Australia is beautiful place dont get me wrong and i have some amazing friends but do miss my family a lot as there all back in the UK. I only get to see them like 3 weeks a year and still want to travel more. 

Maybe try and get a job with less stress like working in retail or a warehouse i know its not a career but sometimes we need to just do something different smile. Im sure you will be fine and try not to think the worse you need things to look forward to and not worry what will happen as thats no way to live your life. 

I know how you feel as recently i left my job like yourself and have only had two weeks off and feel like i should be back at work but am slowly working on parts of my life with the time off I have. its good to have structure which am lacking at the moment as am going to bed late and getting up in the afternoons but now after 2 weeks of i need to change my ways and start getting a few things off my to do list as then i feel satisifed and happier for myself. 

It funny how you mention about reason of been depressed there doesnt always need to be a root cause. I had a job with people that i got on with most of the time but as i sat there everyday at the same desk, talking to pretty much the same people with the same problems I realised there must be something else Id rather be doing and needed some time off to help realise what that will be. Im now looking at jobs where i can help people as i miss the one to one and want a job that i find rewarding. You just need to mix things up in life, there isnt one set route and if you want to do something different you can there is no wrong paths. 

19

Hi Hypercat, I really didn't mean any offence, I just meant you have more access to such activities due to your age. I bet most of the people in those activities you talk of are of similar age and are in similar situations due to unemployment, retirement etc. You may well be the youngest there but I'm sure you have plenty in common with them. In fact I'm envious! All I was trying to say is there isn't that social world more mid 30 year olds, you're kind of expected to be all sociable and loud. My one friend tried to get me to go to a craft course - he's ten years older than me, and he was youngest be 10 years! It doesn't mean its not pleasant to some degree but you do feel very 'odd one out'

I apologise if I jumped to conclusions based on your message but I maintain that with the active social life you live you have LOADS of people who would miss you. Love is not exclusively available from family and partners. You seemed to suggest this was why you were largely unhappy so I think you know what makes you tick; you miss a partner/ family bonds. I'm not going to be stupid enough to say 'fix it' then as it's never that simple, but knowing what would make you happy is a positive; at least it gives you a target.

 

20

I do love travelling but now, having just had to quit work, it isn't even possible for me to 'save' at all. Besides, my gf still has a job so I'm taking on my full time job of being a burden wink

Everything you write makes perfect sense. But the most relevant part is the tone; you seem to know everything isn't perfect but know your triggers and that there is good and bad. I was joking about staying in Oz, I fully recognise complications regarding family etc. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I now have no friends, no job, limited family (that I see rarely anyway) so am not tied to any geographical place. It's just gfs job that keeps me where I am.

I just struggle with people so much that I need a job that has little interaction. Don't get me wrong, most people would see me as easy going, relaxed, even funny at work but it is all such a tiring act I can never maintain it. I just spend my time thinking they don't really like me, or they think I'm an idiot or that I'm crap at my job. Think I just need to be a recluse!