I think this anxiety is going to win :(

Mental health
1

I try so very hard, for 17 years i have had this but 5 months ago it got really bad, I struggle to even function but the worst thing is the going out.

I used to be comfortable doing this with my husband but it is bad even with him there now, despite this I have persisted to leave the house and tried to carry on, despite chronic anxiety I have even managed a few things I thought I couldn't do but I don't think I can go on fighting it.

Take today for example, went out this morning, felt I couldn't but did, then this afternoon we had an appointment with the vet, I try very hard not to avoid too many things so joined my husband and off goes the anxiety again!

This happens every time I need or want to go out, as soon as I get up to go my chest tightens, my body is heavy and tense and I feel scared and on the verge of a panic attack.

So far I have tried a tactic of saying 'Okay these feelings are here but as I notice them I shall continue to go about my business and they will just have to exist as I carry on'.

By doing this I have managed to get out and do things like bowling, park, cinema etc even though I was highly anxious but I am now wondering just how much longer I can manage to win each fight I come up against, after all it is every day, often more than once a day.

I felt so tearful over it all when we got back, the vet visit went well so it wasn't that, it's just my anxiety doing what it always does.

The mental health team have been useless, I do not want to go changing or removing meds and I refuse to which is all they are interested in doing.

The only good thing is that I have found a  NHS CBT therapist who is very willing to work on this issue with me, I had an assessment Monday and she really listened to me and said things that made a lot of sense.

I am upset that my continued exposure to my fears has not improved the anxiety but she said sometimes we hinder our progress without meaning to and if I keep a diary she will help me to see if i am doing that and what else i can do to help that will be positive.

All sounds promising but today really reminded me of how hard this fight is, I want those family trips with my kids, lunch with my husband, to go shopping etc but I have to feel terrible every time and I feel I wont be able to deal with the anxiety much longer and it will take everything away from me.

It gets so bad, when we went bowling I felt awful all the way there and for about the first 20 minutes in the place, I was pleased when it did calm down and it was actually a nice trip in the end all things considered but then the next time I go out all of the anxiety is back in full force.

Sorry for the long post, just a vent really because I am really trying here and have even had times when i enjoyed myself despite the fear yet it still hounds me every time I want to leave the house again and i am scared it's going to win sad

2

do you have a therapist or a counsellor or someone who is trained to help?

3

Hi BellaLuna,

I read over your story and found us to be very alike...with of course other anxiety suffer

4

....I have been suffering all my life with anxiety and panic disorder and is beyond awful and debilitating. Esp when we want to go out and be social and do fun things....but can't. ..struggle....push urself out the door in a panic...I get it all. I'm currently off work bc of the severity of my condition. It affects every aspect of one's life....it's hard for 'normal' people to understand. But there's alot of us that do.

Are you taking any antidepressants?

5

The facts here are you did do it! Be proud. You have really bad complex anxiety going on and amidst the tears and the fear you have done it. Thats what you have to look at. Dont look at the the bad and the negative. You have a long journey ahead of you but you will beat this, youll see. You need to manage your meds at some point, i know u know that. Look there was a time you couldnt get out the door, guess what you have been getting out. Keep getting out, take the anxiety bully with you kicking and screaming but get out. Its going to be a battle breaking apart all these anxiety rules you have formed believing they were making you safe and sound..they werent. They were and are caging you in like a prisoner. Im glad someone is working with you and cbt. Too bad you dont live in the usa or somewhere they would be able to  go in house favility or retreat and  get properly cared for you and get your meds to a decent care level and give you regular therapy. please never give up on yourself, never let the anxiety completly win you are such a beautiful person and so worthy of a lovely life. I know it seems like you are being defeated because the anxiety attacks come on but from the objective view you are doing well! You are getting out, your not letting the anxiety win and in bowling it actually calmed down and you were able to have a bit of fun. Look at these accomplishments bella okay. They are there and they are huge.i think the diary is a fantastic idea you tend to be extremly hard on yourself and you will see from the diary how severe that is. You need to love yourself now more then ever. You  are in my prayers and thoughts. may god bless you

6

ditto everything you said here......i'm scared it's going to win too......i want my old life back so badly!!!!!

7

what retreats?

 

8

The uk have mindfullness retreats, anxiety recovery retrats, they have for agoraphobia as well but i am unfamiliar with that information i just have seen the ads for them.the usa has them as well. I never went in a retreat myself. They are costly. In house patient care have good programs as well but that definetly depends on where you go and live and if you have money private ones but should be well researched always. 

9

Hi there I read your post and you should be so proud of yourself. Wow you are doing loads, it's amazing. It really is a terrible struggle for me to go out aswell, but I have actually stopped doing most things because when the anxiety really spikes I think I can't cope and all the negative thoughts kick in. I think you really are doing well living alongside your anxiety. You are accepting it is there but still continuing, well done you. I think you are doing it the right way. My therapist says ok so you have anxiety but instead of thinking negatively, I felt bad then or my anxiety was bad, think about what good thing happened that day and how you managed to do what you wanted even if there was anxiety involved. Stay strong and I hope you have a good session with your therapist.cheesygrin

10

Hi, I am sorry you suffer too, it really is an absolute nightmare,over the years I have tried many antidepressants but never got on well with any of them, nasty side effects mostly or they didn't work.

I have had better times, never been well but times that were easier than this and those I believe were always because I had some kind of therapy and a hell of a lot of fight in me too.

I am on diazepam, have been for 17 years and it's not ideal, really i know i should come off it but my gp and i discussed it and agreed it would be a really bad time to do it.

I am happy that i am getting the CBT therapy because i think it might be what i need to teach me how to cope again, sometimes you do need to go over old ground in terms of therapy to retrain your brain a bit so to speak so even though i have had therapy before i am hoping it will help again just to level me out a bit and get me back to where i was before things got so awful 5 months ago.

 

11

Thank you, yes that is true i did do it, i think i just fear that i wont be able to do it again, i tend to obsess over things a lot and worry well ahead of things, i know i am going to keep feeling awful for a long time yet so somehow i need to believe that i can survive it, keep surviving it and claim my life back.

I will address the issue of meds when i am feeling stronger, currently they don't want to add anything anyway, they just want to remove it which i am not ready for and my gp agrees it would be a bad idea to do it at the moment too, she has been my gp for 6 years and done so much for me, more than the mental health team have to be honest so i do trust her judgement.

The mental health treatments here in the uk are very hit and miss and a lot of people are left to get on with it but i do feel lucky that i have found a therapist who listened to me and understands my needs, she seems to really get where i am coming from and what i want to work on which is good.

I have started my diary and i think it will help to look back on that with the therapist, it helps me too because from that i can see what i have done, places i did go even though i had awful, chronic anxiety and i can try to think 'right i have felt awful before but still managed to do things so i can try to do them again'.

It does get exhausting sometimes and i think it's natural in a way to feel like you are going to have to give up but somehow i need to drag that fight out of myself and keep going because if i give up i have no chance of getting better but if i keep going i still have that hope that one day things will improve even though it is so hard to fight this.

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words, i appreciate it so much.

12

It is absolutely awful and i know what you mean, i want my old life back too, i want to be the woman i used to be, i feel like i don't even know myself anymore.

We must keep fighting though and we must keep believing that this can get better, it has done for many other people so we can be one of those people too.

13

Hi, thank you so much, when i look at my diary i am keeping i see all of the things i have done and it looks a lot, well it is a lot really but the feelings i have when i do them are so awful and it makes  me wonder how long i can keep doing them whilst feeling like that, next time it might win and i just hope i have the fight in me not to let it.

This time last year i was able to do the local things very easily as long as my husband was there but now they are so painfully difficult which both scares and frustrates me, i do need to stop dwelling on 'this time last year' though, it only makes me feel worse and i need to concenrate on what i can do to help myself now.

I try to take it one day at a time but it's hard because you just know that every single day is going to be the same struggle so it's like waiting to be beaten up over and over again.

I hope you are able to try to do some of the things you want to do, it is so very hard and the anxiety is dreadful but deep down even when i am in a full blown attack of panic and tears i know that the only way out of this is to keep going through it.

I don't push myself too hard, i wouldn't go on a long trip for example but i do push  bit beyond my comfort zone which as you can imagine is tiny at the moment so just out of the door, into the car, moving away from the house is out of it but i make myself do that.

Thinking about a good thing that happened is an excellent idea, we do dwell on the negatives which isn't surprising when there are so many of them but thinking about a good thing that happened is really encouraging and it helps you to see that the fight was worth it.

 

14

Yes i have just started seeing a new cbt therapist so hopefully that will help.

15

How is it going so far?

16

feeling any better today?

17

This is beyond awful, yes. Everything you have explained and expressed is how it's been for me. I'm so determined and enjoy a busy life however it hasn't been that easy the past 4 months. I have to constantly reminded myself everything is all in my head and that I'm fine. But the worry always seems to overpower my brain. I once felt strong too but I feel like this is beating me down. ..how can u fight something like this? I'm awaiting to see a counsellor for cbt....I'm not on any antidepressant as of yet however I did fill the prescription for cipralex that my doc wanted me to start a few weeks back. I had been on it before but naturally scared. I'm on clonazepam almost daily to help me get by. It is beyond frustrating for anxiety sufferers to live a normal life without worrying....I wish anxiety didn't exist. Life is tough enough...this just makes it unfair.

18

Hi Sandi, I've been housebound since July 2015 except for dr appointments and I get so anxious when I have to go, especially since it's an hour away, my heart rate goes over a 100 and I feel nauseous and get terrible headaches a lot. I'm on Paxil, but it quit working in July and the meds they have tried me on give me bad side effects along with I already feel bad. Even when I'm home as soon as I wake up it starts and I'm not even worried about anything. I have developed gastritis because of the anxiety, which makes me more nauseous. I've been on Paxil for 15 years and I can't get off.

19

Hi Tonia...wow. we seriously are like twins. I swear. I too was on Paxil for over 13 years which stopped working as well for me. That's when they switched me to cipralex which is the sister drug to paxil. Not sure if you tried it but why not mention it to ur doctor. You shouldn't have terrible side effects with that if ur used to paxil. My doctor wants me to start on it again which I've been hesitant too. I may start it tn if I feel brave enough.

I have been off work since Jan 1st of this year and my temporary benefits are running out and have to push myself to get back to work...even p/t which I'm freaking out about. It's so contradicting to my personality as I enjoy working and staying busy...it's the fear that prevents me from doing things....normal everyday things....just to leave my place I have to build and prepare myself...it's so ridiculous.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well. I'm glad that you and some others understand what I have been going thru. The moment my anxiety is elevated....my stomach is turning...I bloat up with gas and i start feeling awful gastrointestinal symptoms. Which is quite often.

20

I can help you to wean off the meds if you decide to try cipralex....