He estado luchando. Hago lo mismo todos los días. Me despierto y debato si hoy es el día. Me pongo en la computadora, me derrito en mi vida fantástica con todos mis juegos y finjo que mis problemas reales no existen. Finjo que mi vida es lo que es. Por un segundo, entro en la vida y me doy cuenta de que mi depresión es peor y empeora cada día. Intenté suicidarme hace 3 años y fallé. Mis padres, por supuesto, se enteraron y me enviaron lejos. Me aman. Hace aproximadamente un año, intenté suicidarme de nuevo, pero sin que ellos lo supieran, y fallé. Una parte de mí desea que lo sepan, una parte de mí lo anhela. Hace unos dos meses, intenté suicidarme de nuevo, por tercera, cuarta, probablemente quinta vez, he perdido la cuenta. Tomé 42 pastillas y no pasó nada, fue como si mi día nunca hubiera cambiado, nada cambió. Tengo 24 años. Tengo un novio y una familia, una familia enorme, pero una parte de mí solo quiere no existir. Fui abusado y lucho por aceptarme todos los días. Aunque después de cada fracaso, una parte de mí siente que hay esperanza. Me he estado autolesionando durante 9 años, pero una parte de mí tiene esperanza.
Hi Andrea!
Are you taking any meds? Depression sucks believe me! I have suffered many times with this and each time I have become abit stronger person! Medication has always helped me battle depression and anxiety!
Hi andrea.as i read your story i am actually thinking you are inspirational.to have been through so much yet still standing.you sound very much alone.does your family know abouttheabuse amd if so do you ever diacuss it with them or anyone else?hang in in there.... Because you are a special person.you ate of value to your family and they love you.xx
I feel your pain. I have suffered with anxiety and depression on and off all my life yet a part of me always has hope. Medication is important and some kind of CBT. I'm reading a book called The Happiness Trap and even the first few chapters are inspiring. I hate that I worry about everything. Get depressed, have low self esteem and no energy. Then the weekend comes when I have been at work all week (that is a big part of my anxiety) and I want to do something but can't get motivated. I find all I do is the same too. I love playing games as an escape but am trying to wean myself off as I am addicted like a drug. Please go to your GP if you haven't already
What does your GP suggest, I would imagine He must be concerned with your actions.
Have a serious word with your GP and get some treatment, you if not already should be possible to arrange a CPN to gain some form of support.
Talk to your GP. If you are having problems. He will draw up a treatment plan.
BOB
Solía tomar antidepresivos, pero sentía que me quitaban la vida. Estaba triste, pero tampoco era feliz.
Le conté a mi mamá sobre el abuso en un viaje en coche hace unos 2 meses, de regreso a casa desde una librería. Simplemente salió así mientras hablábamos sobre la virginidad y lo que le di a mi exnovio. Fue más una respuesta de rabia, aunque ella no lo presionó más. En ese momento yo estaba en lágrimas y temblando. Ella prometió no decírselo a mi papá porque ambas sabemos que le rompería el corazón.
También me preocupo por todo. Me pongo paranoica cuando el perro de los suegros de mi hermana viene de visita, como si fuera a escapar del patio cerrado o si se lastimará si estoy en mi propio universo. O cuando mi novio sale, me preocupo constantemente por su seguridad y me niego a dormir solo para asegurarme de que llegue a casa sano y salvo. Siento que mi depresión simplemente desaparecerá y eventualmente me convertiré en esa persona feliz que siempre he soñado con ser.
En realidad no tengo un médico de cabecera. Lo busqué y supongo que es algún tipo de doctor para ayudar con enfermedades. Mis padres tuvieron que declararse en bancarrota hace 3 años (acabaron de pagarla en diciembre del año pasado) y hace unas semanas mi madre no tenía trabajo durante 6 meses. No podía pagar la consulta médica aunque lo intentara. Con toda honestidad, no creo que pueda seguir nunca un plan de tratamiento. Solía tomar antidepresivos, pero la forma en que te hacen sentir es más como la emoción de un robot. Quizás afectan a todos de manera diferente.
Andrea
There must be some form of safety net as far as Health is concerned.
I understood there were hospitals that were there to help those who were ill and had no money. I also thought the new Obama Care allowed for health provision. It is difficult for us to undrstand health sevices that are not like ours. We are in the UK
BOB
No exactamente. Tengo el Obamacare, pero es un poco raro, muchos médicos no apoyan ese seguro, por lo que encontrar el hospital más cercano que lo acepte en mi región está a unas 2 horas de distancia en un día sin tráfico. Tengo una red de seguridad. Normalmente, cuando tengo un ataque de pánico y quiero hacerme daño a mí mismo y cuando lloro hasta el punto de no poder respirar, tengo 2 redes de seguridad, mi novio y mi mejor amigo. Aunque la mayoría de las veces quiero estar sola. Los hospitales no pueden arreglarte. Pueden intentar ayudar, pero no pueden cambiar la forma en que te sientes. No pueden cambiar tu pasado.
Andrea
Your past should not come in the way for if or not you have some form of treatment. They treat the present, and if you have no money there has to be a safety net. Yes you have two people who act as safety nets. the sad part about that is one of these people is unable to control His own problems.
You have a relationship with your Parents can you try and call them and look for assistance there.
The safety net you use for your Panic Attacks can that Organisation not refer you to another centre or help you there
BOB
Andrea
You need support Anxiety goes well with Depression.
Please try and find someone or organisation to help you
Hi Andrea - so sorry to read of your situation. You have a profound and deep depression. You are escaping into the internet/gaming and it has become a habit for you, not unlike any other addiction you can name. Depression is fertile ground for such things and it is all done in order to escape, to stop feeling, to get away from the cold hard reality of life as it really is in this space and time. Your suicidal attempts are a scream for help. They have been unsuccessful because you do not really want to die, you just want to rid yourself of the pain of the depression. Suicide is a permannet solution that cannot be reversed and leaves loved ones in their own world of pain wondering if there was something did or said that contributed to your final decision, or whether there aws something they could have done or said that would have prevented the final decision. Either way, they will find a way to blame themselves. When all is said and done, the movement to a new life and happiness is ultimately up to the one who suffers. It is we who must take those steps, breaking away from the habits that we have retreated into. It is cold and hard, seems impossible, and is complicated by the everyday requirements and events that we just don't feel the strenght to do.
Andrea, you are lucky. You have your mum and a large family, your boyfriend and your friends. Help is at your fingertips. The first step is to open up to them (your family particularly) and be totally honest. If you are unable to voice the issues, you can write them and provide a copy for each person you want to share with. This does have to be done by tonight - it's best to write what you feel, put it aside, come back to it and edit and/or add, put it aside again if necessary. You must communicate in some way. Voice your concerns about getting medical help, tell them you need support with that. Ask that you find a counsellor/psychologist with whom you can share your deepest pain in a safe, understanding environment. You will feel better when you act because it is a positive move foward and will open all sorts of gates for you. You must reveakl that you have suicidal ideation, have attempted suicide and have been self-harming for nine years.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you must walk the tracks to find it. It will take a great deal of effort initially but will become easier. What you are doing now is not working, so you need to try something else, and suicide is not valid not just because of the harm it will cause, but because you have not yet exhausted every avenue. Keep posting here - we are here to help. Be kind to yourself.