Infidelity and depression

[Jakecando]

I’ve been married for 20 years, and my wife and I used to be swingers early on, which was fun and kept things exciting. About 10 years ago, her younger sister (now in her mid-20s, about 20 years younger than us) moved into a separate part of our house—it’s like its own unit, so plenty of privacy.

Things got complicated 8 years ago when my wife was offered £1000 by this rich, influential guy to sleep with him. I begged her not to, but she went ahead anyway, and then did it three more times after that, including once right in our house. It broke me, we separated for a bit, and during that time she started working as an lady of the night. Her sister stayed in the house, and one night while my wife was gone, the sister and I ended up having sex. It just happened.

Eventually, my wife came back, apologized profusely, and we’ve patched things up—our marriage is solid now, and we have sex at least once a week. I don’t neglect her at all. But here’s the issue: I’ve kept sleeping with her sister on the side for the last 5 years. It’s not constant, but whenever I can—quickies mostly, since she’s always available and loves them. She doesn’t want a boyfriend, so she likes this no-strings arrangement. I tried to stop when my wife moved back in, but the sister got me drunk one day and tempted me, and I’m weak like that—I can’t resist when it’s right there in front of me, naked and willing. My sex drive is super high, which doesn’t help.

On top of that, I’m sometimes suspicious my wife is still sleeping with other men. No hard proof, but she comes home smelling different occasionally, and I’ve seen suspicious stains on her underwear a couple times. It nags at me.

The main problem is I’m starting to feel guilty about the thing with the sister, even though I love it and the thrill. Part of me wants to stop, but I don’t know how—I’ve tried, but temptation wins every time. Any advice on how to handle this? Should I come clean to my wife, or find a way to end it with the sister without drama? Or is this just something I should embrace since everything else is working? Thanks for any thoughts.

[sophster078]

This is quite the dilemma. Part of what drives the temptation is the forbidden fruit aspect and the danger of being caught. Long term this is not going to turn out well which you pretty much know. Intimacy creates a bond which is also an element in play. What is surprising is that your wife has not picked up on any signs. My uncle knew 2 people were having an affair from the way the woman handed the guy a cup & saucer of tea at a church social. She held onto the sauce and deliberately avoided touching his hand. Ended up as a big scandal because both were married to other church members.

A complicating factor is that your indiscretion affects not only your marriage but also the relationship of your wife and her sister. When someone admits to infidelity, the spouse is usually hurt and angry. Often they want to end the relationship. Your wife might easily kick the 2 of you out of the marital home.

Your sister-in-law is clearly not respecting your “no” and seems to get a sense of sexual power from seducing you. I would talk with her first in a calm, neutral setting. Tell her you feel uncomfortable about being involved with her and are worried the situation will blow up. Focus on how the situation makes you feel and how anxious you are about what is going on. Ask her how she thinks your wife would react if she found out about the affair. Would your wife want her to move out? Would she tell other members of the family? By asking her opinion, you engage her in the problem….monkey isn’t just on your back but she’s affected too. Use neutral language and tell her how the situation makes you feel (yeah, I know men aren’t comfortable discussing feelings; I can relate). Ask what she thinks the two of you should do. Right now, it’s all fun and games and irresponsibility for her. The conversation should help to move her from seduction with no consequences to responsibility for her actions and their impact on her and those around her.

I would try that first. Would also be a good idea to talk to a counsellor because there seems to be baggage weighing on the relationship. We all make mistakes and learning to move on from them can be a challenge. Past affairs can drive mistrust, secretive behavior and lack of open communication. If you value the relationship, it would seem to be a wise course of action to resolve these issues.

There are some helpful websites for dealing with infidelity and difficult conversations. Never hurts to do a bit of reading and give such important conversation some thought in advance.