Hello, some of you may know me and some of you may not but I just wish to share an experience of my past as I am wondering if this could be some cause as to my anxiety. I am 21 currently living with my aunt and I suffer from extreme debilitating anxiety from my GAD, OCPD, Health Anxiety (not specifically for me but I worry a lot about my families health), and OCD. I frequently struggle with maintaining my mood and during the day I can fluctuate and find myself very over emotional, crying at pretty much any trigger. Since my initial breakdown in 2017 I have learnt to live with these episodes and they are often triggered when I do something for the first time and these episodes can sometimes last months in which I am unable to function besides getting up and lying in bed or sitting in my living room all day. I try and do small things such as making my bed or standing in my garden for 5 minutes and I find these help improve my mood for 5 or so minutes before I am back to feeling like I am in a pit of despair and dread. I am in receipt of ESA due to my conditions impacting my ability to go out and being able to do simple tasks as sometimes my panic episodes can last the entire day where I am unable to speak sentences properly or perform simple things like turning the oven on because it all overwhelms me. I have noticed over the last 3 years of my anxiety and panic episodes (times when they are much worse than normal, and normal is still quite debilitating as I feel like I am a ticking time bomb until my next inevitable panic episode) that I am always brought back to thoughts of school. I am always thinking about my school life and this has definitely been on my mind the most during any and all attacks. I have some good and bad memories of school and I have expressed on the forum a few times of the fact I was a target of serious and prolonged bullying during my later years in school (around the ages of 12-15) and these never really phased me beyond the immediate shock of getting attacked and the nervousness I had of going to school. I have spoken to therapists about these and they all agree that these could definitely play a role into my self-confidence issues as well as my GAD. Although, sometimes I doubt if they do because to this day the thoughts do not particularly distress me when I think of them outside of my panic attacks but they are certainly terrifying during one! There is another thing that I did in school that really affected me and knocked my mental health off for 2 years. I watched a hypnosis video on YouTube (of which I can't remember the title) and this was a video I watched on my old laptop before I went to bed. I watched it just out of idle curiosity as the title got my interest. I thought nothing of it and went to sleep (I was 13 at the time) and I woke up the next day with a foggy head and everything just felt 'off' as if I wasn't 100% awake. I thought nothing of it being the age I was and just got dressed and went to school but over the day nothing would lift this mental fog that was clouding me, I was so unmotivated and couldn't think properly as the words just wouldn't form in my head to sentences. I would often forget the names of objects such as chairs or teachers names and this just spiralled my anxiety about this mental fog (at this point the hypnosis video I watched wasn't even in my head because it was just filled with worry about the fact I couldn't think properly) and I began to get really depressed. I lost next to all my motivation and I just haven't been the same since - even to this day. I went for a Doctor's appointment after talking with my mam about how I couldn't deal with the foggy head and general forgetfulness (these were my only symptoms other than these everything else in life was fine) and the doctor told me I had stress and sent me on my with with no further check-up or appointments. Which, at the age of 14 now, was just opening doors to so much more questions as I didn't even feel stressed apart from being stressed about the fact I thought I had dementia! I had to deal with this awful feeling of not being quite right and I became more reserved than normal, I lost my spark in life and everything was just so grey. By the time I finished school, I was gradually forgetting about the foggy thoughts and I don't quite remember when they lifted although my earliest memory of feeling 'normal' was September 2015 which was the day I started college at 16. Throughout college I was quite happy and I have talked with my therapist frequently about college being the last period in life I felt truly happy with life. I had made a lot of friends and I found the socialising really lifted my mood in retrospect and I was really fulfilled being in that routine and I have expressed times where I just wish I could spend the rest of my life that way, however unrealistic that idea is. I finished college with an offer at University and I felt the nerves of University during my application process and over the summer holidays but they were never anything I would have deemed serious at the time and chalked it up to the nerves a lot of us face when taking the plunge. However, on the first day I was overcome with the absolute worst anxiety I had ever faced. I felt like vomiting the whole morning (I loathe the idea of vomiting and I do my absolute ALL to keep it in) and my stomach had the worst butterflies and it kept feeling like someone was hitting my stomach with a mallet the pains were that extraordinary. I was at the toilet nearly 10 times during the day because everything was just going right through me, I lost my appetite completely and had to make the call to drop out after crying in my room for 4 hours after the first day. After this the rest is history and I have been in and out of many different clinics and therapist rooms looking for an answer as to why my life has been this way ever since. There are steps I have learnt to take such as getting more exercise and cleaning my room as often as I can (I manage making my bed daily and hoovering every few days) and these help keep me occupied and hopefully 'doing normal human things'. I just cannot shake the thoughts of that video I watched about the hypnosis. I feel like I have quite literally ruined my life watching that video and all I wish to do is find the video so I can know what the hell it has done to me. I think it could be a thought triggered by my anxiety but the timing of it and all that went on the literal day after make me really question what it was. TL;DR - Watched a hypnosis video when I was 13 (2013), had awful brain fog for years. It managed to clear but had a breakdown in 2017 which brings all my thoughts back to my school life. Was bullied heavily during my school life. Currently suffer with constant extreme panic attacks that last from the morning until evening.
Are you seeing a therapist now? Sounds like you need a really sharp counselor or therapist to help you move from the past events to the present. There’s always hope to feel better and be able to manage your stress and anxiety.
im sorry you are going through all of this. But never ever give up. You definitely need support at this time. This is very difficult to try to manage alone. Most of us with severe stress and anxiety need a lot of support, possible medication and a plan of action to feel better. We are here for you! 
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Hi Jan,
Thank you very much for the kind words. I have had a lovely day today, my neighbour picked some strawberries out of her garden and handed them to me as a gift - which really put a smile on my face! I always feel so much better on an evening around 6pm, it’s like a blanket is lifted and everything that makes me physically anxious just stops. I get no dread, no fear and no GI issues until the next time I wake up.
It can be so exhausting, each day is like this and the emotional ups and downs just leave me with so little energy. The euphoric feeling in the evenings is nice but it can be a little extreme, as in I do stuff I wouldn’t usually do - especially when I with friends (being the daredevil of the group).
I am under the care of a CPN and Psychiatrist right now, although it’s only weekly phone appointments due to the coronavirus. I wish I could speak more consistently to my therapist as there are times I just suddenly think of something and I can just write so much down I would be speaking to them for hours on end if I had my way!
I’ve been reading some online literature regarding not giving the anxiety any power over me and just telling it “NO” but I have definitely noticed now the physical symptoms seem to appear before the mental anxiety, so I have discussed starting Propranolol with my Psychiatrist as a potential medication. Also, while on the topic of my Psychiatrist, I spoke to them about the potential of starting an ADHD medication known as Lisdexamfetamine as I came across it on my trip to Manchester in which the emergency Diazepam I brought with me didn’t help and my friend I was with offered me some of his medication (I know not to share medications and this is definitely not a recommendation for anyone to do so!) and after taking it all my anxieties and dreads lifted and I was the most confident man you ever saw.. you wouldn’t have even thought I had anxiety ever!
I spoke to my psychiatrist about this medication and they instantly dismissed it as a placebo and that it would be ineffective for my treatment even after telling him how well it worked. I was extremely disheartened as if I am honest I am not sure if I have ADHD or not due to my extreme variation in mood. I just hope Propranolol has the same efficacy as the Lisdexamfetamine had when I was in Manchester because it pains me so much I can’t even attempt that drug just in case it does work.
Thanks for the kind words Jan, I wish you health and happiness in your life
All the best,
Kyle