I'm a very honest person and sincere. I understand I may have said some things that some misinterpreted me. I'm Ashley025. Anyways me account got deleted many days ago. I assume it was my sui*d*e replies to a post someone else made. I was very depressed at the time I'm now better and ready to go out and do things. I have Agoraphobia, GAD, Social Anxiety, Depression, PTSD. I get panic attacks thats why I avoid going out at all costs I can't be near people they give me severe anxiety. No one really comprehends. My dad tells me I need people. I need to socialize. But it's not that easy. When I'm in a public place I feel I will d*e. Even being on the vehicle makes me very nervous. My heart starts racing, my hands are sweating, I feel I'm dying. My face goes pale. I feel my mouth trembling. I hate living in fear. My comments were because for me my s*ic*de attempts were because of my Social phobia and GAD. My problems affect everything. I always think about it at night. I know I have no future. I even do things on purpose hop*ng to d*e. I had this 2 big 4 ft number balloons. Anyways I was always looking at them. I even searched about it. So I did it two days ago. I deflated the baloon in a small confined room. I tried to inhale it. But it was ugly so I didn't. I did the two balloons. Then I had this other seven balloons which I did the same. Later I had a headache. It felt like a pressure headache. Nothing happened. So here I am. The only thing I know right now is I want to get better but I am very impulsive. I get depressed very easily. I always have it but I control it. When I get extremely down I can't. I start thinking about ending it all. I just get tired of being tired. If you get what I mean. I get tired of everything. It gets to be too much for me. Some days I just look around my room and think why the he** am I still here. I could well off be de**. It wouldn't matter. My family would suffer mostly my mother. But I don't care sometimes. I'm just sad all the time. I'm tried of having to force a smile while my family visits. It takes everything in me. I can't stand it. My eyes are always watery. I can't stand the person I've become. I didn't think I would do all the things I've done. Attempts, self h**m, cho*King myself, hi**ing my chest. The things my depression makes me do. My problem is out of control. Daily I battle with my mind. I conte*plate su*icide everyday. I think about it. Search ways. I no longer know myself. I wasn't like this year's before. 7 years ago to be exact when I was going to college and being useful. But I'm not. At least when I was going to college I was happy. Struggling going to college but happy I was doing something. Trying to get a career and make my life mean something. But nah I messed up. I couldn't handle the pressure of going back to college when I was off for two months. A week before going back. I got extremely down. Everything didn't mean anything I felt empty and numb. They I saw this movie where this person throws themselves o** a br*dge. It just sort of pushed me more to the edge to do it. The only thing I had were p*lls. So used the three bottles. Big mistake!😭I knew it could backfire. But I thought it wouldn't because I was going to sleep after taking them. I didn't .. My mind wouldn't leave me alone. Kept telling me I was making a big mistake I couldn't do that to my mother. She would think it was her fault. So fought with my mind for 20 or 30 minutes. Then I just thought I have to tell her before it's too late. I did. I knew of the consequences of my actions. Everything would be a mess. I don't know why I did it. Now I wish I wouldn't have told her and just kept sleeping. Maybe I would have d*ed in my sleep. Last year the same thing in October. I got extremely down and I'm impulsive my family left. I took that chance to take three bottle of pills again. Xanax, Atenolol, Olanzapine. They were all full. This time I talked with my mom when she came back and acted natural. I went to sleep didn't feel guilt. I slept next day my mom says I was out of it I wouldn't wake up she would move my shoulder I wasn't responding she said I was having trouble breathing. She heard me wheezing. So they took me to the hospital. Had me on observation Doctors said the bad effects of the overdose happened while I was sleeping. Here I am just thinking how everything went wrong. Why was I Bo**? Why do I exist? I have no purpose. I never desired anything. I change my mind so often. Well used too. Now I'm just stuck in these four walls thinking about ending it all. I remember one time I cut a piece of my front hair I was really depressed at the time. My sister in law called me cra**. I was sad when she said that. I'm not.I did it because I was extremely down again I was thinking about su*cide again. But yeah. I don't know if you all do this. But when depressed sometimes I look in the mirror. I know I'm attractive. But I hate the reflection. I hate myself because I'm a coward. My problems made me one. I always hide. I stay indoors even though I know it's driving me in*ane and more su*cidal. For the lady that told a girl who had Agoraphobia and was 4 months stuck on her house. You said, for her to get over it." I know you might not see this but if you do. It's not about getting over it. You don't understand what the person feels go be stuck inside their home. Do you think people want that? They feel horrible going out. I feel like I'm dying so I stay home. I have no life. Never will. Not me. I don't know why I brea*the.
Do you read the bible? Try reading a paragraph every day. God has a purpose or you would have been gone long ago. Talk to your parish priest. Your mom loves you very much or she wouldn't be running to the hospital with you. Start reading and meditate on the daily readings. Good luck!
I don't have a Priest I don't go to church either. I do believe in God and have read the Bible. But I have too much problems to focus on anything right now. I don't even do basic things. Im glad for the advice. But I have alot of problems. Thanks for the advice 👍
Hi 9999. I read a lot of peoples replies on here and I had a feeling by the personality that you were Ashley025, heh. And I just want to say, I doubt you have anything to be sorry about. You have a good way about you and are very supportive in spite of your own very difficult struggles - struggles which I can relate to. I have bad social anxiety, depression, incapacitated, which doesn't boost my self esteem at all either. I'm the same, I look in the mirror and, well, half the time I actually laugh. I'm always fighting off the negative abusive thoughts I give to myself. Anyway, hopefully someone with more experience than me can offer you some advice that might help. I only know of three things: mindfulness meditation, counseling and meds, and they only allow me to just scrape through, I'm not 'living the dream' by any means, I'm isolated. So there we have it. Hang in there and keep reaching out. I'm not much of a conversationalist and I think lack humor, but if you ever need a well-meaning friend, you can message me if you like. I mean that. Drag this life out as much as you can and who knows, maybe one day something will give, and the sun will begin to shine! Wow. All the best.
Ashley, have you ever been hospitalized for your mental health problems? I think it might be time for you to consider this as an option. You can be in a place surrounded with doctors who can help you become stable with the right blend of medications. I feel so terribly sorry for you. I know how hard my anxiety is to live with at times. For me, I have always felt better when I am seeking help. If your agoraphobia is too intense right now, seek out a workbook to begin working through your feelings to get to a point where you might be able to get out of your house. You shouldn't have to suffer like this, there is help to be found! No one is incapable of being treated! Try to stay strong. One thing my anxiety has taught me is that we are all much stronger than we know and typically we are very intelligent. Our brains are our own worst enemy. You just need to get back to a place where you control what happens to your body and not letting your mind take over. Please please please seek help! <3
Hi l am in total agreement with the above post.You really need to be in hospital l really don't understand why you are not.You need intensive treatment to start with.You are not a hopeless case trust me you just need the proper support.Stop beating yourself up the past is gone and you need to get the help you need if not for yourself for your mother.Please do it.
Thanks alot for your comment. It really means alot to me. From the bottom of my heart I hope you get better and live your life to the fullest. "You are not what you think." Our depression makes us think negative about ourselves and our anxiety to overthink everything which leads to self doubt. Thank you for your words 💖👍I appreciate it.
I haven't been hospitalized. Just afterwards the attempts. I don't think it would help me, it would make my problem worse. I was miserable while I was there for three days on su*c*de watch. Both times. I get terrible anxiety being near people. I have trouble being around my family too. Thanks for the advice though.👍
I agree our mind is our own worst enemy. Very powerful. I've heard about the workbooks I will search for it online. I hope it helps me. Thanks💖
Well I am struggling so bad I cut myself daily with sharpened knives. I have no control over this. But I can still think of what this would do to my family if I was monger here because this is ripping me apart. My lovely 16 yr old Lucas had taken his own
ice he tried once last November with pills then just before Mother's Day this year. On 2nd of may he was successful in doing this because he had researched how to take his own life quickly he was very clever just about to take his exams he was a grammer school boy with which I was very proud of then I lost my baby which turned my whole world upside down. Please don't take your own life because lots and lots of people will suffer believe me. My daughter is on medication for depression I'm on medication for emotional pschycology disorder. Do you really want anybody to suffer like all my family are now. I don't even know how long this will last maybe forever. I have accepted help it takes time you need to learn to trust and accept help. Don't break anybody's heart especially your mums like mine is now. Listen to music on head phone try colouring, gardening. Zone out when you go outside it's easy believe me I just go off walking with my headphones on so I can de stress myself so no one notices but I am very secretive about my self harm. I'm not doing it to end things.
I'm sorry for your son's loss.🙌My condolences to you and your family. I understand how his death affected you and your daughter and now you're both suffering from his loss. Please don't harm yourself anymore. Please get help, therapy. Thank you for your advice I know I shouldn't do it but some times the pain is greater. It's only thinking about my mom that keeps me alive. I wouldn't want to hurt her and cause her pain and sorrow. She's everything too me. The only reason I keep living. It's not easy it's a struggle to keep going but the guilt won't let me do it. It's just sometimes that I really don't care. I feel bad about it. But no one really understands the pain. How hard it is to keep going. Everything is against me. All my problems are greater. Even when I smile I'm sad and my eyes are teary. I blame my depression and GAD they make me want to d*e. It's severe I don't think there's a chance for me. I failed at everything. I can't even get help. I don't have the strength to try to get better either. I don't think anyone can help me. No pills, or anything can. I've tried alot of things I'm still the same. There's no future for me. I can't go outside. I feel very self conscious of my neighbors I feel they look at me and probably say negative things about me. I've been down for many years I no longer dress like I care. I dress in baggy clothes even put a shirt on my hips to cover my bottom. I will go a week wearing the same clothes. I don't shower sometimes. I don't want to eat either. I just eat because my mom tells me too I know if I don't my mom will tell my doctor and they will institutionalize me. I'm very insecure. I wasn't like this before. I always struggled but I had more confidence back then. Thanks for your words. It means alot too me. I know this must be painful seeing my words. I'm sorry for that. I'm unstable. I'm very impulsive when depressed or have a nervous breakdown. I later regret it. Harm*ng myself, the attempts. I'm not as strong when I get extremely down. I feel on a pithole without a way out. Thank you for your words.👍🙏This really shook me since I love my mom alot I will keep going for her. Thanks💖
Thanks Marleen I don't want to be hospitalized though. I felt miserable when I was there being near people. It only makes me worse. I will try to get help like you said I should do it for my mother. I will. She's the only reason I keep on living. Thanks💖👍