Life treats me like crap, but can’t cry

Mental health
1

Hey! okay so I’m really having a hard time right now and I really want to cry but I can’t seem to get one tear out. I’ve been through some things through my life. I’m 20 and studying to become a nurse. Right now I feel overwhelmed by emotions, but I can’t cry. So I just want to get all the things I’ve been through off my chest..

I got bullied when I was younger, I wasn’t pretty enough and I felt worthless and depressed already when 11 years old. I really liked being alone, I’m highly sensitive and have always let things get to me which is overwhelming as it is. Therefore I kept things to myself, thoughts and also avoided playing with people not because I was shy or antisocial but because I did not want to get hurt by comments or actions.

-Played by several guys, which made me feel so worthless

-I got raped the first time I had sex when I was 16, the guy even put handcuffs on me which made the experience even worse.

-I’ve been cheated on once and mentally abused in this relationship

-Dumped on valentines day by my first boyfriend

-Drugged at a party, another guy raped me, my friend came in and caught it

-Friends that have backstabbed me, with telling my secrets to other people.

-everytime I dream it’s negative. I’ve suffered from sleep paralysies since I was 5 and have them several times a year. Everytime I close my eyes every person in the dream is against me like I am the most hated person alive.

-I’m an extremly anxious person, it’s all this trauma and everytime I sleep is a nightmear (sounded totally cliche, but it’s true)

After the rape, I got diagnosed with herpes and that has made me really sad. I’ve totally shut down, completely and the only thing I do at the moment is sleep, work and feel empty. I also feel like damaged goods. Before you picture this dirty and ugly girl I want to point out that I’ve actually become a beautiful girl. Tall skinny girl, smart and funny with brown long hair which carries a lot of empathy for others. I care too much, which makes me an easy target for people to use and hurt me. I got a lot of good friends and people around me but right now I have no energy to be around them because of all the trauma that’s stuck in my head. I can’t cry and I don’t want to talk to any of my friends about things that is bothering me.. I can’t seem to understand why I can’t just have ONE good thing happen to me, I’m totally drained..

2

Hi you do have one good thing happened to you - you have some good friends who love you..  

To be honest your story made me cry and you have gone through some dreadful things at your young age.  Being raped wasn't your fault you know - it never is and is always whatever the circumstances the fault of the rapist.

I think you need to get yourself to the doctors asap and get some help.  You need help to deal with all this trauma you have gone through before you can learn to move on with your life. Pick a good friend and tell them a little bit,  not too much and scare them,  but ask them to go with you to the doctor and they can talk for you.  Or you can write it down (print this off here?) and just give it to the doctor.  They have heard and seen it all before. 

The sooner you start dealing with the the sooner you will start to feel a bit better.  Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do as the more you hide away the harder it is to come out of it.  Still keep doing a few things with friends or on your own even if you aren't enjoying them.  It's important that you do.  x

3

Hi Ida, it took me years before I sought help for my PTSD that I was formerly diagnosed with. It's really unbelievably difficult to manage with, I am double your age then some the fact that I was raped twice makes me exceptionally some sad, sickened and is causing some frightening flashbacks. You need support after being raped it's not a joke, definitely not. I would see if you can get some support, I have a specialist PTSD counsellor who I see now. You will have bottled all of this up because that's what your brain does. It's a coping strategy really. You can get help via your doctor or health professional.

4

You should see a psychologist for an evaluation they are the expert on that type of situation. He/ she can then refer you to a psychiatrist if medication is required. Do it ASAP. God bless

5

Thank you so much for your lovely words! this really helped, so you should know that I really appreciate this and you. I have come to terms with that I probably got to live with the trauma for a long time, and I will get help soon I do promise that! I think I’m just in a PTSD bubble and I have been for a long time, I kind of try to push it away but the trauma always comes back at the wrong time.. I feel like it is my fault even though it isn’t. Anyways thank you for this and your time. That is amazing of you x

6

Ooh I am so sorry to hear this from you.. It really hurts me more to hear that someone else has experiensed it even though I have too. We really got to remember that it isn’t our fault and that we are in this together with a lot of people. I don’t know why but the only time flashbacks comes to me is when I drink, or in my dreams. and it’s terrible when it does. I feel like I may be have PTSD because I can act like nothing happened then another day is the same until I have a bad dream and wake up screaming from it. I had a sleep paralizes with a man over me trying to rape me and choked me.. may be the PTSD talking from back of my mind.. thank you for your answer, really appreciate you and wish you thr best x

7

I am talking to a psychologist. But it only makes me okay for a few days and then it’s back to normal. I can’t unfortunalety don’t pay 100 buks a week to talk.. but thank you x

8

Ida sweetheart we all help and support each other on here so stay with us and join in and hopefully it will help a bit.  You might also pick up a few tips from the others.

I know from experience that you can't lock away the trauma and hope it just disappears - it doesn't and will always return to haunt you.  The only way is to start dealing with it as you won't be able to move on unless you do.  It will take time and pain but please do it. 

Also don't play the blame game as the main focus has to get you feeling a lot better so ignore anything that gets in the way of that.  Like I said being raped is never your fault no matter what happens.  Rape is rape and it's the mans decision to do this and totally his responsibility.  It's nothing to do with the clothes you wear,  where you go,  who you mix with.  If you didn't clearly consent to sex then it is rape.  No excuses and no buts.  It is not and never can be your fault.  x 

9

PTSD is never your fault you listen to me and I'll listen to you. You can't cope with rape alone, there's massive problems with that like you said lack of sleep and nightmares, flashbacks etc. Please ask for help I pay £5 a week for a counsellor who is PTSD trained. It's so hard alone talk whenever you want. Just please get help.😍

10

Hi i only just read your email and all the others on this page and also made me cry i too have been through this at a party by 3 men and by a family member who is dead now, i have told no one about this but my partner, till it became so bad i tried to commit suicide 3 times, even then i still kept quite , i only spoke to a counsellor, but i only told him bits because i was so ashamed, you see my whole life is a lie , my family has so many secrets and i am the only one that knows all of them, and it made me so ill i did not want to be here anymore, the only way i dealt with all of it was keeping buy blocking it out, i had a job i loved , but then i got severe migraines and lost it , i can not work now, i have a lot time on my hands so my mind started to think and i started to cry all the time , and did not know why, i did not want to do anything just like you, not talk to anyone either, my family or my friends i became a recluse , like you i too am good looking even though i can not stand myself , this is what other people tell me, i was as i said a hairdresser and beautician and spend making myself look good and others, but i fell apart, my partner took me to the doctors and i was diagnose with severe depression,gave me drugs made me ill, i finnally spoke to my dad he could see how ill i was, and took over got me in touch with a organisation ,called CARA, look it up they are brilliant deal with what all of us are going through and its free, only thing because its free there is a waiting list to see counsellors but they help you why they look for one in your area, in the meantime, i am so much better , have my good days and bad will not lie to you, its a long road , no quick fix, but you will get better and live a normal life, i have not got there yet but hopefully i will, this forum has helped me a lot, and i only joined about 3 weeks ago, so stay in touch, any help please contact me here or in private message , god bless and take care, sorry so long email , jaybabes xxx

11

Hi ida i sent you a very long message all about me and what happened to me and how close it was to your story the only is i think i put something in it i should not have and i apologise as i am not a professional health worker and i should not tell you where to go for help , sorry i was just trying to help and they are looking into it so i know you will not get it, i did not mean to upset anyone, i just wanted to tell my story so i could help other people x

12

Hey Jay babes! ohh I would like to hear your story.. so sad I did not get to read it. Please send me a message instead if you want to? I would love to talk to you! 

13

That is true! I will speak to someone more frequently I think I need it. The thoughts of it is just laying in my subconsiousness so I don’t think about it actually but my body responds to the trauma with keeping me awake and having nightmares.. I really do hope I will get better, the herpes thing is kind of a scar though and that also adds up and makes me feel s****y about myself

14

Thank you! I will heal with time and I will speak to someone more frequently. Just sad that herpes gotta be a scar from this experience. Rape is not okay and I wished no one would experience that.. I’m glad you can write that so I can hear it from someone else, this community really does help a lot x

15

Thanks so kind of you i do not know why they would not send you my email , maybe it was far to graphic to read, i forgot other people can read it, i surprised myself i have never spoke about my abuse to anyone apart from my partner , its only know that i had to do something about it, because i had already tried to commit  suicide , so i told my family and now i am on the list for counselling, but you see this has started since birth , its a family thing , and it affected my child, i too was bullied at school because of my nationality, and i made a friend with the only black girl, she was amazing, but i was not allowed to be her friend, so i got beat up for that, i left home early 17, thinking, it would be an amazing world out boy was i wrong, abuse, rape, so much hurt it got to a stage i did not know who to trust, i now have depression, anxiety, eating disorder, severe migraines, and now  a new one BDD, but through all this i am now 54, i am will never be perfect though i have been told a lot by others i am lol, i have a long way to go , hopefully i will get there and with my story help others, i have good days and very bad days , i am a bit confused about the drugs i am on but i am a gemini , twins so all my life i have been mess up, hope i find you well and improving , all my thoughts jaybabes smile

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Hi ida i am sorry i have just poured my heart out to you again and i believe i have done nothing wrong i have told my story ,i have not upset anyone, i have been truthful, and since i have joined this forum very helpful, you told your story and what you put in it i did the same , i do not understand why they keep stopping everyone else have gone through to be honest, i have apologise before, but truthfully i do not see in this email i did absolutely nothing wrong, i told my story about me without offended anyone i told people want i had try to do, what other people have done, and now told them i am getting help , so i dont see what the problem is, 

17

hi ida as you can see now 2 of my post have been moderated , so i do not see how i can tell you my story 

18

Hi ida  I am sorry about the last email i was very upset , i could not believe that the second one i sent you still did not go through, i just do not understand i do not say anything that would hurt or offend anyone, but i must be doing something wrong, well i am going to try again 3rd time lucky, i felt so close to you when i read your email or post, it was so close to my heart , the bulling, the abuse , the rapes, except , mine started at childhood and went on till i moved 6 years ago, i am now 54, i have so many things wrong with me now, depression anxiety, severe migraines over 30 yrs, eating disorders, and now i have only just been diagnosed with bdd, so i have had to cope with all that i have tried to commit suicide 3 times glad it did not work, i have never told any one about the rapes till very recently, the only person who knew is my partner, my family know now, and were very upset but understood why, i am not going to say who in case this does not go through, in spite all of this i must think there is light at the end of the tunnel ,like you i was an ugly duckling and turned into a beautiful swan, but no matter who tells me it i do not believe them, but i am doing something about it now, been doctors, now waiting to see a counsellor, and after all these years you learn there is a lot of help out there you just have to find the right person that suits you, i have very bad days  and very good days, and now i found this forum and when they let my messages through i, can cope sharing my thoughts and helping other people and visa versa, hope you are feeling better too and stay in touch talking is great therapy ,take care smile

19

Hi I JUST SENT A THIRD MESSAGE AND IT DID NOT GO THROUGH , I SAID ALL THE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE SAID , I HAVE APOLOGISED, AND I KNOW I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG I HAVE EVEN SAID SORRY FOR THE ONE THAT CAME THROUGH, I THINK THAT WHAT IS THE POINT IF ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE CAN SAY WHAT THEY WANT ABOUT THEIR FEELING AND WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THEM AND I CANT , I AM THINKING OF LEAVING THIS FORUM, IT WAS REALLY GREAT AT FIRST NOW NOT SO SURE, SORRY