Relación a larga distancia

Salud mental
1

Hi all,

I've been with my bf for over a year and we have been living together for almost all that time... things happened pretty quick.

I've suffered from anxiety for almost two years and he had it in the past but manages it better than me... 

Me and him have a very intense relationship, he had a road side accident a few months into our relationship and hasn't been back to work since, so been at home a lot and probably getting cabin fever and felt a bit useless, due to being unable to earn money and have a job, he's worked all his life so it's been tough on him...

Don't get me wrong, it's been tough on me too, as I've never had financial issues before and it put a strain on the relationship, but not just that... I guess we spend too much time together and get 'on eachother's nerves' from time to time.

We have very heated discussions and feel rubbish afterwards and usually kiss and make up...  it makes us both feel a bit rubbish though, and we both feel anxious and on edge after... especially if alcohol was involved in the first place... it's like we always fight for misunderstanding and I can't let things go and want to resolve it, but it ends up making the argument 100 times worse- I always feel guilt after and I think it's my fault, I just am paranoid...  

I have always fought with paranoid thoughts, since my first ever panic attack... which happened in front of my ex and he didn't want to know, he walked away from me and I feel this bf is going to do the same... 

My mind makes me think of worst case scenario all the time, if he doesn't txt back and he's online then I think he's up to no good (even though I have no evidence of this and he's always with me) ... I convince myself he will leave, and leave me to pick the pieces... I hate feeling like this...

Recently he was offered a job opportunity in Asia, for 10 months... He wanted me to go with him but work didn't accommodate me... so I persuaded him to go alone, he didn't want to because it means leaving me and his children (from previous relationship) here and he has anxiety too so it's not easy... but in the end he agreed to... I almost wish I hadn't insisted, I feel so devastated and lonely... my friends are being very supportive as is my family, I am very lucky... but he tried to remain positive when leaving and we left it on a high... we hugged and kissed and he walked towards the airport doors and txt me as soon as he landed, but I get paranoid if I don't hear from him... I convince myself he is with other women and I just can't reason... I feel a fire in my chest and I feel numb and stupid... 

Am I being paranoid?  Why can't I be normal and let him have his experience without constantly fearing the worst? I hate being like this! Hate it so much 

Please help me 

2

Hola

Las relaciones a larga distancia son difíciles, pero diez meses pasarán rápidamente.

Sé lo difícil que es tener esos pensamientos paranoicos y aún más lo difícil que es intentar apagarlos. Él nunca te ha dado una razón para desconfiar de él, así que no dejes que tus pensamientos te hagan entrar en pánico por nada. Si estás preocupada, habla con él al respecto. Si ha tratado con ansiedad antes, entenderá lo que estás experimentando. La comunicación es importante, especialmente cuando te sientes como te sientes.

Llama a algunos amigos o familiares y trata de llenar tu tiempo con cosas que disfrutes. Distrae tu mente de esos pensamientos tanto como puedas.

Lo siento por lo que estás pasando. Espero que mejore.

3

Thank you, really I appreciate it!

I think social media is a nightmare too, as if I see he has been connected and not contacted me then I start getting paranoid.

I know he has friends out there and he's with them but my worst case scenario thoughts kick in- has something happened? Is he ok? Is he ignoring me? The poor guy is settling into his new life and this is Day 1 and I'm on tender hooks ...

I just wish I was able to shut down these bad thoughts, be more understanding at the fact that he is struggling without me and his family ... why am I like this?

4

Hi Anna as you say he is struggling away from you and his family so he needs you to be strong now.You have ànxiety which means you are prone to negative thinking and going for the worst case scenarios.You have to manage these thoughts and deal with them the best way you can.You are also probably dealing with low self esteem which you have to try to deal with.Let's be honest if he didn't want to be in a relationship with you he would just walk away.You are just getting used to this situation so give yourself time to adapt and you will get used to it.

5

I know you're right but why can't I be rational and understanding? 

I hate feeling like this and I am the one who encouraged him, I just wanted him to not miss out on such a good opportunity ...

I know I'm being silly and I really wish I could sort my head out 

6

I am glad you encouraged him to go.Stop being so hard on yourself give yourself time to adjust.Keep yourself busy and talk to your friends and family.Try practicing relaxation techniques and try to question your thoughts.Don't be checking when he is on line as this will fuel your negative thinking.

7

Very true you're right -I will try my best 

8

Es realmente difícil evitar pensar en el peor escenario, ya que la ansiedad siempre nos hace creer lo peor. Intenta contrarrestar los pensamientos negativos, como si no ha respondido, dígase a sí mismo que probablemente está ocupado desempacando, o tal vez salió a caminar. 

 

Una cosa que encontré útil al lidiar con la distancia es establecer horarios para hablar y así tener paz mental. 

 

Sé que es difícil, pero tómalo día a día, haz las cosas que te gustan y rodeate de personas que te quieran. Si tienes una mascota, abrázala hasta que no puedas más, haz lo que te haga sentir en paz. 

 

Te deseo lo mejor

9

My first bit of advice would be stay away from alcohol completely...it will only add to your problems and isn't great for anxiety.  Secondly, I understand how your mind can go straight to the worst, it sucks.  More than likely you are just being "paranoid" as you called it, especially if he has given you no real reasons to distrust him in the first place. I would suggest you find a therapist to discuss all of your thoughts and feelings with, sometimes it just helps to vent and get it off your chest.  And lastly I would ask if you are getting treatment for your anxiety? If you are able to you should, whether it is medications and therapy or both, you should definitely try all of your options for dealing with it.  I am unable to see a doctor and take my medication due to financial issues and I know how it can be a struggle.  Best of luck!!!

10

Thanks Tiffany

Your comment is lovely... I just hate overthinking stuff and I end up having a go at him and arguing, so am not going to do or say anything ...  

He travelled 18 hrs to get there yesterday, he's probably over exhausted and fell asleep... I sometimes think he acts selfishly knowing I am anxious about it, but equally I need to stop worrying and trust that he is ok and that there's an explanation ...

I want to prove to him I can support him and not make this harder for him by giving him a hard time, but equally I feel that agreeing to talk at a specific time could help, hopefully.:. Time difference may be a pain but we can only try

Thanks for supporting me with your kind words 

11

Thanks Rachel,

I'm not drinking at all, so that isn't an issue... I have got a counsellor/therapist and I see him every week, so will keep that going..

I refuse to take medication for anxiety, tried it in the past and felt like I was in a parallel world, like the feelings I was going through weren't mine ... I felt dumbed down and unable to react... they had a bad effect on me, I wasn't able to work, or do anything and I feel I am managing my anxiety with herbal pills like magnesium, 5htc, vitamin d etc... and self help books ...

I'm not dissing medication as it works for others, it's just not for me..:

I didn't hear from him until early this morning and at times I felt I was going crazy, but other times I felt I was better at controlling my feelings and even controlled my throughts and told myself there would be some silly logical explanation, which of course there was...

Sometimes I feel I can do this, other times I feel worthless and stupid and I fall in my own mind trap...

I just wish I were stronger