Deidre he is not living with me for the past two weeks and is one of the biggest reasons he is do angry with me he says I'm selfish which I Know I am not of you knew me but that is how he feels and I am afraid becuz of that he doesn't love me anymore .. This is a man who wanted to get married and now here I am .. First things first though ... What do I do?
Best thing, if he doesn't immediately accept your offer to be there for him, is to say 'well, if you change your mind....' and then back off with just occasional messages asking if he is ok.
Even if YOU have not blamed him, he probably blames himself and there are many examples of people pushing others away because they feel bad about themselves, they can be quite cruel in doing this.
I added my telephone number to my private message to you, did you find it?
No let me look again
I just looked it is not there .. Did you see my message there to you? It says it's not read yet.
I know this first hand becuz this past week all of that cruelness came out. But beneath anger is fear most the times and is why I can't give up. But he has to want this too or I'm wasting my time and his. If I bring him to another rehab or detox this will become cyclical and never ending loop. The patient listens when he wants to "hear". I am honestly afraid to text him becuz what he said last was so hurtful .. And I did then respond with kindness and love ... I feel as if he deep down knows after all of what ive shown him to be that I am here always for him .
What is BF please?
Hi sorry short for boyfriend
hi Quadrillion
i agree that addiction is a disease but i dont believe that this absolves us of responsibility for our actions our that we have no choice - i'm an alcoholic and drug addict - i have done some pretty horendous things when i was using alcohol and drugs - sure i regret these things but the fact that i am an addict does not mean i am not responsible for what i have said to people or for what i have done.
i make a choice every day not to drink and not to take drugs- if i decide to relapse which happned quite alot many years ago - then i am responsible for what i do and say when using alcohol/drugs - if i make the decision to use, when i know the effect it is going to have on me, then i am responsible for the consequences- good or bad -
i have been around addiction and addicts for over thirthy years and i have met many people who have used their disease (addiction) to excuse what they have done - i have always thought this is BS.
as for being made to feel ashamed - i am not ashamed of being an addict - it is something i have to deal with on a daily basis - if other people have a problem with that - then thats thier problem !!!!!! i have been in three rehab centres a physic ward, hospitals and police cells so i have been around the block a few times- it took me a long while to accept i was an addict and to accept responsibility for my recovery - addiction is hard to beat, it require alot of hard work and not a small amount of pain but it can be done and the support of people around you is very important but never confuse support with enabling - addiction is a progresive disease - it gets worse with time if not tackled - it is also a potentialy fatal disease -
the only advice i will give you is to be really sure you want to hang around - addiction is for life - there is no cure - make sure you know what you are taking on - either wayt i wish you well with whatever decision you make -
I would agree with that pmcg. The way I say it is:
'It is not your fault you have this condition, but it IS your responsibility to find a solution if you want your life to be better.'
Hi pmcg thank you so much. I look to your advice becuz you have been there I ALWAYS try to put myself in someone else's place to feel how they might be feeling. My heart breaks for him and I want to take him away from his pain but the more I've tried to say "im here or I believe in you or we can do this together" the more annoyed he gets with me and lashes out and tells me I need help . He will NOT get off of the fact I said no to his living with me . Everything else I've done all the love & support caring and work is out the window he can only say now I'm selfish bcuz I didn't say yes to his living with me. Do I get in touch with him or let him be in touch with me. Last I did last Friday in a text he was horribly nasty. What do i do or say or should I just lay low and let him come around? Do alcoholics forget the person they love this easily?
Pmcg I just replied to you below by accident in Paul's spot I don't know how to copy and paste can u look at it and give me advice?
Pmcg I just responded to Paul by accident it's below would u please take a look and help me when u have a chance? Thank you
Hi Quadrillion
you are going to have to accept you cannot " fix" him- much as you want - only he can do that - alcohol affects people's personalitys in different ways - some people become aggresive and mean - some become alot happier and full of life - but remember alcohol is a depressant as well - so it effects peoples mood in a major way- alot of people become majorly depressed when coming off it - from what you have told me it sounds like your BF is feeling sorry for himself in a major way - like a child because he cannot get his own way he is reacting like this ( thats my impression, based on what you have told me) and like a child throwing a tantrum, he is lashing out at you -
again based on what you have told me, he has no intention of quitting at the moment so he will resent anyone suggesting this - he obviously hasnt accepted he has a problem- he is more than likely convinced that he can stop anytime he wants but just not today - a common delusion held by addicts - the other major lie we tell ourselves is that we are hurting no-one but ourselves - this is a way of absolving ourselves of the guilt we feel and of rationalising our drinking to ourselves-
remember addicts dont think like other people, if we did we would not be able to continue to use alcohol/drugs we would see our addiction for what it is- so we continue to lie to ourselves and everyone around us- we are in complete denial of our addiction when we are using-
this is the problem people expect addicts to respond to them in a rational way - we dont work like that - all that matters is the ability to keep on using alcohol/drugs and we will lie, cheat, steal (if necessary) and manipulate everyone and every situation to our own ends-
your BF may well be using the fact that he cannot live with you as an excuse to keep on drinking- in his head, he has beeen wronged - stupid and irational, yes, but it allows him an excuse to feel his drinking is justified - i know it sounds crazy - but thats how we work - twist every situation to suit our own needs- as i said before addiction is a really selfish disease -
the major problem is there is no "how too" set of instructions for dealing with addiction, though we all share a common disease every addict has a different back story and a differernt set of circumstances, often complex surrounding there addiction and personality- there is no easy solution i'm sorry - if there was there would be no AA and NA and rehab - the road to recovery is very, very rarely straightforward or painless for either the addict or those around them-
if i was in your shoes i would leave him be - let things run thier course and see what happens - you wont be able to get through to him anyway if he is still drinking- you are just leaving yourself open to more abuse - hopefully he may stay sober long enough to realize he has to sort himself out- thats the best i can offer right now- dont lose sight of you and your needs in all this - do not be a martyr to this guys addiction - you will get no thanks for it and a leave yourself open to a world of pain and misery - you gotta look after you first of all - all the best
Pmcg, you have no idea how much what you wrote has helped me. For the first time after reading what you wrote I don't feel guilty about the fact he is not "living with me". Not sure if you realize how brilliant your words are but if you look at how you phrase what you wrote it has all the elements of being knowledgable and at the same time empowering ... For that o cannot like I said thank you enuohh . Today ive worked a 15 hour day have been so depressed about all this and your post has really made a difference - thank you . You are right in that he has been using this one thing - I believe the ONLY thing - I ever said no to with him- and making me feel like I'm no good. He's called me selfish, worthless, pathetic, and that's not all and this was in reply to my asking if I can come get him to help him !! This has been so incredibly hard for me to ever not go along with what he wants ... I cannot believe a man I was with every single day is now acting like this . It's heartbreaking I don't know where to distinguish between his alcoholism and his being just plain mean . I would do anything in the world for him. I feel like I've lost him but I hope he will come around maybe wake up - actually wake up one morning - and realize how poorly not only is he treating himself - but how poorly he's treated me ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart xo
Pmcg it's me again. I have one other question & although I know you are not a mind reader based on what I've told you & ur past experience do u feel once he runs his course this go round of drinking and wants to get help will he reach out to me or will he in his mind hold such resentment b/c of the living with me situation that he will remember that no matter what or will he see it for what it was - that is - that I was looking to get him help instead of him continuing on the sane destructive path- living w me was not the solution / I've told him that in the nicest kindest way - will he or does an alcoholic mind remember the things that are explained to them?
He was staying in touch from the time I took him to a hotel until last Friday and although he was going on & on about my not letting him live with me he was sending "I miss you" or just sweet texts and messages to me - it was last Friday he switched and things took a turn - I simply asked if I could get him that day - I wanted to take him to get help / and instead of just saying no he said no and lashed out - it was if a switch went off inside him. I believe he may of found other people to live with men & woman it is my sense I am not sure but from what I feel & from little I know i think I may be right and I blv these "people" are addicts too! I truly blv that this is how he's living now. And not that I wanted to enable him but at least when he was living with me he was eating and getting sleep and I was making sure he didn't get in trouble.
CouLd The fact he's started to lash out have also to do with being influenced by other addicts who are saying things to him and offering their unfounded opinions ? After all the real vile nastiness came out starting this pastv Friday ( a week ago) - and with the exception of a text from him Sunday (in which I didn't respond) he hasn't been in touch - four days ago !
Thank you again for your honest and strong opinion and thank you simply for caring enuff about someone (me) to take the time to write and truly truly help.
Hi Quadrillion,
it is very hard for anyone who does not know your BF to know how he feels about you or his present situation- he may not remember some of the things he said to you or messages he sent if he has deleted them- it depends what condition he was in when he was sending those messages- blackouts (memory loss) are common when drinking heavily - there are several reasons why he has not been in toutch - he may be ashamed of what he said to you (again i dont know him, so hard to know) . he may be feeling resentful towards you or be feeling sorry for himself and thinking no-body cares - hard to know-
certainly most addicts, if they are not solitary drinkers, which many are, will gravitate towards people who drink heavily as well - there is nothing worse for an alcoholic than drinking with social drinkers- they dont drink as much, or as quickly- alcoholics feel much more comfortable drinking with people who are like themselves- thats one reason why addicts dont like being around people in recovery, it can make them feel guilty about there own addiction - other people like to drink alone so there is no-one to monitor how much they are drinking or to comment on it - there is no "typical" alcoholic- though many do share similar traits- i hope this is of some use- i know it is easier said than done but try not to let this situation dominate your thoughts- you will do yourself no good trying to "out-think" him- or predict how he is going to react to any given situation- if he has been drinking all week his thinking will be all over the place- very hard to know what is going through his mind- all the best-
Hi pmcg!
Thank you again. I will read and re read both your posts to keep myself strong. I'm feeling very guilty and feel like I've abandon him but I know o haven't bc I have repeatedly offered to take him to detox & told him I believe in him and how worth it he is . As of two weeks ago we were together every day & night & he was always asking me if I would marry him - I think the fact we were always together has made him upset with me now that he was brought to a hotel - truth is every time I think of it it upsets me that he may feel like o don't care - but I explained my reasons and let him know it was becuz living w me wasn't the answer and that I would bring him to get help ... I know he loves me I have never had a doubt about that it's just that he's never gone this long without contacting me ...
Thank you again - truly
Hi pmcg I'll try to keep this short I would love ur advice I have now been hearing from my BF since Saturday thru text - he is now being nice and really not lashing out - he's been telling me he misses me he's been sending all kinds of loving texts - I've been replying letting him know I miss him too.
Then this morning at 4:30 am more loving texts from him and I replied but to make a very long story short out of the blue he tells me he found a place to live and then says that he doesn't want anyone to be with him only to then switch back to saying he missed me then back to saying he's " got my number " and that " I left him" which is NOT true ... I told him so- I said I never left you - you checked out.
He kept saying " I'm not a fool baby " as if there's something he thinks about me that ive done I have NO idea of .. I told him not to talk cryptic that I was being real then he joked around and ended again saying he missed me again . He kept saying " I'm like all the rest" when he knows that is not true .. He said he had to find a home becuz I left him which is also not true. The fact he kept saying "I'm not a fool baby" I have no idea what he means . He's puttin ME on the defensive but then turns around and is all sweet his emotions are all over the place .
Do u have any clue what's going on ? If he truly wants to be alone and wants no one at his new place than why is he even in touch? It's not like I'm reaching out - blv me I miss him so much and love him I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells - I've taken your advice and have been laying low. What is on his mind when he says I'm not a fool ? I'm completely confused ..
Thank you for any insight you can offer me
Hi Quadrillion -
i would be worried about the fact he was texting you at 4.30 am - also the way his texta are not exactly consistant or rational, was he drinking ? - i can only tell you how it was for me - when i was drinking i used to be paranoid about my girlfriend going off with someone else- the fact that i had nothing to base this on, she was really great towards me- but it didnt stop me thinking like this - my thinking was really crazy - from what you have told me he sounds like someone that is not thinking straight- mood swings are pretty common when drinking-- again it is hard for me to interpret what is going on- not knowing him- i can only base it on what i used to be like - so i could be wide of the mark- is he still living in the hotel - as to blaming you for leving him- again that would be typical, if he convinces himself that he has been wronged it gives him a good excuse to feel sorry for himself and to continue drinking- again this is based on how i used to behave and manipulate every situation to justify my continued drinking - it makes it easy to carry on drinking when you convince yourself the whole world is against you and nobody cares- crazy i know- but as i said before, we dont think like other people- all i would say is be careful about believing anything he tells you relating to his drinking- i may be really wrong, but i get the impression he is thinking like an addict in active addiction, as i said i may be wrong, i hope this is of some use - remember you gotta look after you - talk to someone, dont carry all this around with you and most importantly- i'll say it again - you are not responsible for his addiction or recovery AND HAVE DONE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT- all the best- take the best of care of you -