Marijuana Induced Hell (PLEASE READ/HELP)

Mental health
1

Hi,

In December of 2012 I made a completely moronic mistake. I smoked a lot of weed and had a panic attack. I took a few hits of a joint, was already too high without realizing it and then I got passed a vaporizer and hit that without realizing how powerful it was. I didn’t even know what a vaporizer was, it was my 3rd time smoking pot in my life and it has been haunting me to this day.

The next day when I woke up I felt what I later found out to be depersonalization/derealisation. I went on an SSRI and after 2 months of complete HELL I was able to live…decently. That being said, my anxiety was through the roof, I was having physical symptoms that I never, ever had – or even knew existed for that matter, I’ve been getting weird, annoying thoughts, halos around lights, visual distortions and a bunch of other stuff that’s been hard to deal with.

Now I’m really ambitious and despite feeling this way I just kept pushing through, I ended up moving cities, switching my life, was studying nonstop, doing music production, working, blah blah and I had a panic attack one day that seems to have relapsed me into the exact same hell that I endured when I smoked that pot.

I should also mention that I got off of my SSRI about 3-4months ago because of sexual side effects and I think that was a bad idea. I’m back on Ciprilex 10mg, in a mood and anxiety program, I’ve purchased a couple programs, im eating better (when I can actually eat), going to the gym, etc. I will do ANYTHING to get my life back. Before this I was a 3.97GPA student and I was making good money, loving life. Now I can’t go to school this September and I’m flat broke – I feel like I’m living in hell.

I knew I had GAD before this but it was always controllable. I was always told marijuana was good for anxiety and I know firsthand that for me, it’s not. I obviously triggered a latent disorder or exacerbated my pre-existing condition but I am praying that I can get it back to where it used to be (its 100x worse in every way possible) and get rid of this depersonalization in time.

Has anybody ever experienced a reaction to marijuana like this? I messed up, I know it but I’m praying I didn’t ruin my life/future. I'm not suicidal and I'm absolutely determined to get better, I will fight nonstop and do everything necessary -- but in 5 years if I'm still living like this I would honestly kill myself. I do not want to die and just the thought of that and having these thoughts in my head are killing me because I have so much good to offer the world and I love life more than anything, it's truly beautiful, I want to be me again.

Please help me. I’m desperate.

2

 Hello FW!

You sound like a guy (?) with a LOT of energy and drive...and a lot to offer the world...as you yourself say. I could really sense that you have a brilliant mind and that you are very much in tune with what is going on with you.

Today marijuana is not what it was years ago when I was young. Now there's all kinds of %&$#@ mixed into it and you don't know what you are poisoning your brain with.

You are very resourceful and I'll bet you can find an expert who can detox your brain if there is one to be found. Is there even such a thing; I don't know. 

One thing that I have found in my internet travels is the association between anxiety and depression AND magnesium deficiency. This is worth googling. I cannot provide links or my post is removed. One link 'might' pass but I dont' want to take a chance. You need to get to the bottom of this fast.

Making all those changes in your life undoubtedly added to your stress levels. Was that such a good idea?...

If I were you I would treat my body VERY well and do the following; 

1. Do you drink ANY coffee or tea...or colas or energy drinks with caffeine in them? If so, cut them out. I, myself cannot drink even one coffee in the morning or I sleep very lightly and wake up to early and not rested. Your brain needs good, deep, restorative sleep.

2. Can you more or less go to bed with the sun? Turn the lights low in your home as the sun goes down and turn off the TV and computer as early as possible. These bright lights prevent your brain from making melatonin which causes poor sleep. Go to bed early, wake up early is a good remedy.

3. Get out in the light during the day. Bright light goes through your eyes into your pineal gland in the brain and lifts your mood. Don't wear sunglasses if you can manage without, in order to allow light into your eyes. At home open the curtains, turn on the lights; anything to be in mood lifting brightness.

4. Get exercise every day in order to work off your over anxiety. Read up on the internet about how exercise is such an excellent anxiety and depression buster.

5. Omega 3 and vitamin D, both we do not get enough of are great stress busters and brain foods.

6. Eat lots of vegetables....but not the English way, boiled and strained and plopped overcooked onto a plate. Ugh! (I think you are American anyway...) Do as the French and drain them after not cooking them too long, and add butter, mashed garlic, salt and pepper. Yum! Choose jewel toned veggies like red pepper (best raw!), broccoli, red cabbage, green beans, beets among others. You can eat some veggies raw, others cooked. Your plate should be colourful...NOT beige.

7. How about meditating?...or listening to peaceful music. Music does make the brain produce serotonin. 

8. And last but not least, I suggest you take magnesium glycinate before bed. Speak to your pharmacist about it. It is a mineral...like calcium and any excess goes out in your urine, like vitamin C. Magnesium is something most of us are deficient in. Read up on it on the internet and you will see that there is a magnesium deficiency/anxiety connection. I think this could be something that could work to help heal your brain. 

My own 'health guru' as I call him, is a pharmacist who owns two very popular natural health stores here in Montreal, Canada. His name is Juan Wong. He has helped so many people not just with supplements but with lifestyle advice...much of which is above actually. He cured me of something that 3 doctors could not figure out. Not only that, but he is very intuitive AND very well read in terms of the latest treatments for all kinds of conditions. 

If he cannot help you, he might be able to suggest resources. You would have to google 'kinat Montreal'. Juan's phone number is on the site. He is in one store or the other on alternating days. I am giving you his number because you are suffering and desperate. You can call him or consult your own 'health guru'.

Let me know how you do, FW. (what a name!) 

Robin

3

I know what you are going through because I have been through it. So, time to grow up. There is no point in blame or guilt, it will never do you any good. You will never get your old life back, it is gone, BUT you can move on to a new different life. Hankering after what has gone and wishing things were otherwise, though a natural thing to do, will only make things worse. Every human being makes mistakes because we dont know the future. We cant know how things will turn out. Sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's not. 

What you have going for you is that you are desperate enough and you have strong motivation. Try to develope compassion for yourself (and others) and treat yourself kindly. Fighting or running away from fear makes it worse. You have not ruined your life. In fact you may discover a few years down the line that this was a good thing to happen to you. The important thing is to get the right help. I do not mean by this the right kind of treatment necessarily but the right person to treat you. They need to be knowledgable, insightful and compassionate, not judgmental. Any voice, either inside your head or from outside that produces a negative reaction in you should be ignored. Do not beat yourself up about what you have done. It is in the past and cannot be changed. Start with where you are NOW and move on from there. A good foundation would be to find 1) the right medication for you 2) the right support for you 3) eat healthy food 4) do a lot of exercise 5) get plenty of rest 6) start a meditation practice 7) Listen and learn from other's experiences 8) Research all of the above to find what works for you 9) occupy yourself with things that make you feel better ie. Tai Chi, drawing, singing, reading, being with other people,walking in nature, get a pet etc. there are many, many things. What you have to find out and research is WHAT ACTUALLY WORKS FOR YOU.  You may have to try many avenues and it may take some time and it may be hard and uncomfortable for a while but persist and you will eventually get there. We wary of listening to others. What works for them may not work for you. Find out what you love and do a lot of it.

Draw up a plan and start tomorrow. Good luck to you, my friend.

4

Great insightful message!

5

Trust me, I am talking to everyone so that I can get my goddamn life back. GP, psych, im in a mood and anxiety treatment program where im going to learn CBT, restarted my SSRI, altering my lifestyle, fighting the panic attacks hoping they subside, eating right, sleeping, etc etc.

You are right, I messed up and I know it. I had no idea what I was getting into and im hoping I can pick up the pieces and put them back together. You couldn't pay me 5million cash in a briefcase to take a hit of weed or any other stupid drug again.

I know my old life is gone and it's going to take time to recover, I am focused on my recovery. I'm just hoping in time my anxiety will return to its baseline and I will be able to be functional and work like I used to be able to. I'm literally out of commission right now.

Hoping someone who has experienced this can chime in.

6

This is inspiring. I vote for UR inspiration shared so eloquently.confused

7

For many the actual event which tipped us over the edge isn't the important thing, its our lived up to that point. How we recover from that is different for everyone. Some say meds, some say therapy, sometimes its both. Your right, you did a crazy thing, but youve learned from it - which many don't,so take comfort from that

8

Hello FW,

You are obviously a real fighter....and a very determined one at that.

Maybe you are too much in the eye of the storm right now, but you may want to consider how some good could eventually come out of this terrible experience of yours. You are obviously very bright, self aware, passionate and articulate. (That is a lot you have going for you, FW). You could have an enormous influence on young people in a school setting who are at the point in their lives where they are considering trying drugs. By sharing your story, you could save them from a similar hell. This is how good can come out of your terrible and unfortunately experience. And this might help you in your own recovery. You would know if this is something you could do...and when the right time is to do it.

Your priority at the moment is to get well. Your emotions seem to be running pretty high and the expression of them very intense. Are you able to dial yourself down a few notches and bring more peace and serenity into your thought processes? All this anger and desperation that seems to emanate from your post cannot be good for your brain recovery, FW. The brain is plastic and my thinking is...and I am no brain expert/this is just common sense...that if you nurture it with calm and serenity, it will have a chance to heal. I would suggest that you avoid strong emotions (good or bad), take up yoga, meditation, Tai Chi which may be a challenge for a wired guy like you. Go for long peaceful walks...and often in nature if possible. Count your blessings. Sit in a park and soak up the sun, watch people, relax. Read healing and soothing literature. Surround yourself with positivity; friends and family. Be good to others so that they are drawn to you and enjoy and benefit from your presence. Watch funny movies/comedy on TV or on the internet to get more serotonin flooding your brain. Look for ways to bring CALM into your life.

Ask yourself, as America's TV psychology guru Dr Phil says, "How much fun are you to be with?" Are you fighting the world or are people drawn to you and want to be with you? Do for others...as hard as it may seem in your present state. You want to encourage positive feedback from others, not the opposite so you have to be good to others. What you DO and HOW you do it affects your brain and therefore its recovery. Magnesium gylcinate, a mineral that is good for the brain, can help you sleep a good, restorative sleep. Go to bed with the sun, rise with the sun. 

The opposite is also very important; avoid conflict, don't stay up until all hours of the night, don't take part in stressful activities, completely avoid video games all of which are stress inducing, no coffee or other caffeinated drinks, avoid playing over stimulating music (copy CDs of nature music or soothing guitar music from the library). Avoid anything at all that causes stress. 

And as a final note, please get your focus off yourself as much as possible. Are you able to do some kind of volunteer work? Meals on wheels, doing filing in an office for a cause that is dear to you, singing in a choir, walking dogs for the ?

Everything positive that you do, creates serotonin, the feel good hormone. And all this can and will rewire your brain.

Copy and paste the very valuable and well thought out advice Athol...and I wrote you in these posts and get focussed and take them seriously. You are very much in what seems like 'rage mode' and you cannot TAKE IN advice and benefit from it in this state. It may be hard to get into 'reverse' but do try to practise absorbing, accepting, assimilating which will calm your overworked brain.

If you had torn ligaments in your leg, while it is  healing, would you run on it?...or would you rest and recover with massages and soothing heat treatment? Be just as kind to your brain. Develop a plan, a strategy that you feel will be best for your brain's recovery...and certainly gain inspiration from all the advice above. If your follow through is as strong as your determination, you will succed in possibly a full and complete recovery...which is what I sincerly wish for you, FW. 

9

I started smoking pot after I broke up with my girlfriend and it was a release at first. I eventually ended up doing what I always do and abused it. I was smoking an ounce every three weeks and it messed me up. It made me hugely jittery and paranoid. I had to quit and it was very, very difficult. You literally take it one hour at a time, but it can be done. You can't get addicted to pot like other drugs but you do get addicted to the feeling. I got to the point where I knew it wasn't doing me any good so I knew I had to quit using it, and that is the key point. Knowing it's bad for you gives you a very good reason to stop. It's hard, but it can be done. If I can give it up, anyone can. 

10

I know a lot of people down talk cannabis.... But I suffer from PTSD and GAD and I smoke, not all the time, a couple of times a month, but when I'm high the majority of the time I'm good. My twitches stop, I don't have panic attacks, my clammy hands stop being clammy.... It sounds as if you've just had one bad time with it. Not everyone is like this. I think sticking with medication isn't a long term thing, but it does help. Good luck!

11

I think its almost universally accepted that illicit drugs and mental health issues is about the worst thing u can ever do. If you chose to do it, no problems but be aware of the risks. And the risks are severe

12

I think FW got some bad, contaminated marijuana. Who knows what they put in some drugs nowadays. Here in Montreal, Canada they are about to open up marijuana outlets all over the city. Now that is for medicinal marijuana only and it will be pure and protected by the government. 

My friend's son who has Lyme disease and was suffering terrible joint pains, and unable to work, on the advice of Lyme disease medical experts, took marijuana for a month in pill form. It completely cured him of this debilitating pain. When he stopped the marijuana, the pain did not return. 

Of course many of our top medicines have a botanical source such as the heart drug Digitalis which comes from the beautiful, flowering foxglove plant. 

I see, FW that you have changed your name. There is less anger in the new name. Good for you. 

Don't forget the advice from Athol and myself! I know my message is long...but every bit of it is worthwhile. These are not just my ideas but are gleaned from credible medical sources on the internet....especially the magnesium/anxiety/depression connection which I can't stress enough can help your brain in its recovery.

Best of luck!

Robin

13

I changed my name because a moderator requested that I do so as children visit this site.

The marijuana I smoked was government issued, medical marijuana from Ontario. There was no laced substances, etc -- about 30 people all smoked the same stuff with me that terrible night.

It is obvious I had a latent condition that was triggered, now I just need to figure out how to control it and get my life back.

Any advice I get I will pursue, I want my life back and am committed to recovery.

And to anyone who said don't smoke again, trust me, I know. It was my third time in my life (im 24) -- I wasn't much of a drug user in the first place.

14

No kidding! Everyone else who smoked that weed was fine... and it was medical marijuana... Are you Canadian, 'Ihatethatweed'? Are there resources for people who have this kind of reaction to a drug? Can you do a major research and find people who are experts in the effects of drugs on the mind and how to recover? 

THere is a lot of talk these days about gluten allergies or intolerances.. I read the book Wheat Belly and the doctor/author suggested that it isn't gluten that is the issue, it's wheat itself. Without getting into a whole spiel about how wheat genes have been altered, he claims that this tampering with its genetic code has produced a brain toxin...which he feels is behind mental illness and even ADHD.  If I were you, and as desperate as you are to get back to normal, I would eliminate all wheat from my diet for a month to see if there  is any improvement. Unfortunately wheat is mixed in with other grains such as in rye bread etc.. You could eat corn flakes or rice krispies instead of toast and you can buy gluten free bread which is wheat free. 

I have read in the past..as I am sure you knew even before you smoked the marijuana, that marijuana can trip vulnerable people into schizophrenia or bi-polar disease. But then I have read that this is unsubstantiated... 

My friend's son who is exactly your age and who was an occasional marijuana smoker, had a psychotic episode 18 months ago with paranoia and had to be hospitalized for about a month. He was non-compliant with his meds and had to be rehospitalized once. But he has since taken a program and graduated as a carpenter and has a job and life is good! Maybe in a sense you have gotten off easy because you certainly have your wits about you. 

As you suspect, maybe this condition was waiting in the wings. Does it run in your family? This is often the case.

Are you going to follow the advice that Athol and I have given you? Not to be harsh, but I think that 'figuring out' could be replaced with 'taking action'. And you certainly sound like an action kind of guy. 

I suspect that in no time...maybe a month, maybe sooner, you are going to start feeling a lot better if you take good care of yourself. Go back and copy, paste and print the recommendations and follow them.

If you are from Toronto, come up to Montreal on the bus. (Stop Kirkland) and I will personally pick you up (5 minutes from my house) and take you to see Juan Wong at Ki Nature et Santé. 

Take care 'Ihateweed89'.

Robin

15

I'm glad of the name change . I hope u have found peace.

feel better soon. So much advice and right on the money .

take it one day at a time 

 

16

U put all wrapped up in a small package.. Luv it. confused

17

Robin.. Wow I may think again about the pill form for my pain. I have debilitating joint pain. Yet it get to a point were I would like a better quality of life.

many new M outlets opening up here in the NW. I don't trust the M in shops no regulations UR at the mercy of here say...

the shop opening today was a bust they had people waiting all day the shipment never arrived until late evening. What a mess. I don't like the risk of smoking so I have been tossing the pill forms M. I am allergic to opium based drugs.. Others bad reactions.. 

Hope u ur well...

18

Hello IHW89, 

I am so glad I found your post; I've been going through the SAME sh*t. I've only ever smoked 3-4 times in my entire life, after I turned 21 and joined University. For me, it was just a way to ease the stress in my daily life and three days before I went home, BAM. The panic attack I experienced was something that I'll never be able to forget. This was in December 2013.

Since then, I moved cities, switched schools and changed my entire life and friends. I moved back home with my parents (it got really bad). I kept reading every where online that it would take 8-9 months to subside so like an idiot I waited. In between I was on Cipralex and Seroquel but foolishly quit without knowing what the side effects would be. Anxiety was terror and it took over my life. Negative thoughts, hopelessness, the feeling of guilt the WHOLE THING. (Endless Crying, thinking I had a nervous breakdown..)

Currently it's been around 2 months since I've been put on Zoloft (50mg). Although the depersonalization is gone and the anxiety has subsided SLIGHTLY (I spend alot of time painting), I am still scared to death that this will all rear it's ugly head again and nobody will be able to save me (myself included). 

Sometimes I think I've completely lost myself; I know I'm still me but my psychiatrist told me I was depressed; I don't understand.

I don't exercise anymore/sleep right etc.. because I've just given up on all that. The zoloft seems to be helping after a month I feel alot better but perhaps I could add/change up some things in my recovery.

My question to you is, after 2 months of the cannabis induced anxiety, you were on an SSRI (Which one?) 

Also, you mentioned : "My anxiety was through the roof, I was having physical symptoms that I never, ever had – or even knew existed for that matter, I’ve been getting weird, annoying thoughts, halos around lights, visual distortions and a bunch of other stuff that’s been hard to deal with." - Was this despite the SSRI you were taking?

"Now I’m really ambitious and despite feeling this way I just kept pushing through, I ended up moving cities, switching my life, was studying nonstop, doing music production, working, blah blah and I had a panic attack one day that seems to have relapsed me into the exact same hell that I endured when I smoked that pot."

- Were you still on the SSRI when this happened? How did you know you relapsed?

Also, I understand your pain very, very well. I want nothing but to regain my life; However, you should consider the fact that this is all a learning process; not all is lost. Whenever I get a panic attack or start to feel uneasy, I remind myself that in the present moment, I am safe and I'm not alone. I know atleast two other people that have gone through the same thing. One of them is now running his father's company. Keep in mind that he had it far worse than you and I; he was on ecstacy and weed at the same time and ixed it al with alcohol; needless to say within six months of treatment (Zoloft and CBT) he was back in school and back on his feet. I know it feels like hell - please don't give up hope. I will be visiting this site regularly to check up on your progress! Stay strong! xox

19

Hey man any tips on this? I recently started having these changes last monday. And have you gotten any better?  Please reply soon thank you! 

20

To the OP,

Thanks for sharing your story. I have gone through a very similar ordeal, and I am glad to have come across your story. Here's mine (sorry for the length in advance):

Like you, I have only done a few times before (3) once when I was 16 and two other times in my college years. I had been living on my own for almost a year and was doing well, but not without hardships. No real anxiety/depression/etc before and even though some tough stuff had happened, I felt as though I delt with it in my head and moved on. I was on top of the world back in August of this year, best shape of my life, feeling great emotionally and mentally. This was despite an event where I fell for a scam and lost $2,500 - I processed what had happened and decided to move on.

Then, on October 18 - just last month - I decided to smoke weed just one more time. The way I rationalized it, it would be my "last time" before graduating off to my new life. A workmate of mine supplied it. There was a part of me that didn't want to smoke it, but I ignored it and forced myself to smoke the weed. And that's when the nightmare began. I smoked a joint but only smoked maybe 1/4 of it, but I took big puffs and held it in my lungs for way too long, plus the weed was very potent. It was way past my tolerance level and I started to have a massive panic attack. It got so bad at one point where I lost all feeling in my right arm and it felt that the artery running through my right shoulder and arms were on fire. There was a moment where I accepted that I was going to die, but was too much a coward to call 911 (I'm in the USA btw). 3 hours later it subsided and I got off the high, but it took 6hrs later for me to calm down enough to sleep. Next day, I felt shaken but thought I was getting better. But then I started to get bad physical symtops like my neck locking up, couldn't stay asleep and was sweating profusely. etc. Two night later the symptoms got so bad that I got scared and went to the ER. Got tested and everything looked clear except I had high thyroid activity. Went to my primary doc next day and got a blood test but said that I was perfectly normal even though I knew I wasn't.

Anyway, suffered from serious and near-constant anxiety for two weeks after the incident. On top of that, I got surgury for my wisdom teeth removal 1 week after the weed incident. I reached a breaking point early last week Monday (Nov. 3) where I called my dad and wept over the phone. It was the first time I ever had a chat with him like that. I think that I tried to lock the incident away in some part of my head, and that was the first time I ever cried in front of him (over the phone). Talking about the trauma of the incident helped immensly. I also talked to my brother over the phone. We had always been buddy-buddy, but never really close emotionally. First time for me to open up with him too, and my bro had issues with social anxiety and issues from bad decisions in his college years. That week, the near constant anxiety has stopped. Since then it's been replaced with depression that comes and goes, but I still feel very empty at times. Still have pretty bad insomnia (can stay asleep, have vivid dreams and wake up, but I no longer sweat and have severe dehydration during sleep). 1 month of insomnia and I'll admit that it's been driving me mad.

I did see a psychiatrist but said that I was dealing with it mentally that I don't any sort of anxiety disorder. I was given vistaril when I needed it and seroquil to sleep, but I only got side effects from seroquil so haven't taken it again. The doc said that I probabaly just need some good sleep for my body to reset, which I haven't gotten yet but I have a followup next week. But what I want to say ultimately is that I have had some time this past month to reflect on what has happened in the past, what has changed as a result of deciding to smoke weed this one last time, and how I want to get better again and put this behind me. I'm just as desparate as you to get my life back. I want it badly. Smoking this one last time seems to have ruined my life and there are times I've felt that I'll never get better. Granted, my issues seem more physical than mental/emotional than yours, but I'm just as scared and frustrated. And I'm the type that tends to over-analize and brood and think of the worst.

But talking to my dad, my loved ones has done me a lot of good. I feel much closer to them then I ever had before. I now understand how one innocent thought can destroy so many lives, not just your own. My dad won't tell me, but I know he's suffering in his own way knowing what I've been through. But now I know that I will come out a stronger person. For better or worse, I have "graduated from weed", but definitely not in a way that I ever could have dreamed - I will never smoke weed again and I have vowed to never go astray from my gut feeling and make hurtful decisions again. I'm only just starting to learn this, but dwelling on these crappy feelings will never do me good. It's good to reflect on life so far and I'm glad I have, but you gotta move forward - me included. Even though the insomnia is really starting to get to me and is not letting up, I'm looking at the positives. Finally got off some powerful antibotics so I'm hoping that this will give my immune system half a chance to help fix my body. My neck is still popping every time I turn my neck, but just gotta ignore it and hope it goes away with time - I'm going to start stretching more and do yoga which I never did before just cardio and bodybuilding/strength. A lot has changed, and while I still think about "what if I can never get back to normal? What if my body will never return to it's normal state again to where I can be physically active again?" I was completely healthy before all this, but now I sometimes can't help but think I have some ridiculous physical defect or disease.  It will take time to heal. I don't know long it will take me, but I won't give up either.  It's not "if" I get better, but when I get better, I will be a stronger person as a result, to the point where I never have to go through these crappy feelings ever again.

All the best with your recovery man. Rooting and praying for you, so do the same for me. We aren't alone anymore.