My girlfriend wants to keep her Vaginismus

Sexual health
1

Hello everyone,

I am in a relationship with a 26 year old girl who has dealt with vaginismus since her first intercourse which happened 10 years ago.

This experience was painful for her and she has been scared about penetration ever since.

Now she doesn't want to have intercourse at all for the rest of her life.

I only discovered recently she had this, as we never had actual sex, I am not even allowed to touch her with my fingers. We fool around to try to have fun without intercourse but I am getting frustrated of not being allowed to have a normal sex life with her. I am deeply in love with her but this thing is taking its toll over our relationship.

I tried talking with her, calmy but the only answer I am receiving everytime is a cold "No, never!".

I am the only trying to have a communication over this.

So I did a bit of research to learn more about it, read and watch testimonies of girls who went through this and made it out.

What I don't understand is that all these girls who discover this disorder try to solve this. But this is not the case of my girlfriend, she doesn't said she did not want to have sex, that means for her entire life.

I thought about having her consult a sex therapist, a psychologist, a doctor specialized in vaginismus.

She doesn't want. She says she does not need help.

And that she respects her opinion more than anyone else's.

As I am moving on, I don't see how I can deal with this as she refuses everything and I am giving all my energy to try to fix this.

The more attempts I am making, the more it looks like a dead end to me.

Please help me try to find out how I should cope with this and try to reason her.

Or if it is really meant to be like this, in which case I don't think I would be able to continue living on like this for a long time.

Thank you

2

Sorry, but if she never wants penetrative sex, that's her choice, and if you want to carry on seeing her, I think it's you that needs to change.  You may decide you don't want to carry on seeing her, and that would be your choice.  I think most men (or women) would probably end such a relationship though.

You don't say how long you've been seeing her, but this is something she should probably have told you sooner.  There are groups on the internet where people with little or no interest in sex can meet each other for relationships, but if two people in their twenties meet each other and like each other enough to start a relationship, there's a general assumption that sex might be a possibility one day, even if in the distant future.

3

If you google "guardian frostrup doesn't want sex", you'll find two articles ("I’m happy with my boyfriend but don’t want sex" and "How can I get used to my boyfriend’s low sex drive?"wink.  You might find the comments there more informative than the actual advice given, especially since it seems to be so different in the two situations.

4

[ That smiley wasn't intended.  It should just have been a closing bracket, but the formatting here sometimes throws unexpected smileys in. ]

5

I am committed to staying with her.

Although I am worried about not being able to have a sex life with her as the vast majority of people do.

I cannot imagine that for the rest of my life.

I changed already, I am not trying to have penetration sex with her. I am doing just what I can with the limits I am imposed.

But we are missing so much out of it that it is getting very frustrating (only by me it seems).

We have been dating for a month now.

I do hope she changes someday and give the chance to professionals, listen to their opinions.

I only assume she has vaginismus, as it was painful for her 10 years ago and she is frightened so bad at the idea of having my fingers touching her V.

But she does it when she's in the bath, she actually had her fingers inside her V.

This is where I don't understand her disorder.

And this makes me think the sexual act she had 10 years ago might not have been legal on the side of the guy. But this is only an assumption based on the lack of information I have.

I would like her to seek help with professionals who actually know how to talk about it and help her get rid of this because there seems to be a huge psychological part behind it.

I am ready to wait a long time until we can have penetrative sex, if she makes the effort to try to do something about it. Because it is only the general assumption to seek help.

6

Hi, Lou. Fellow sufferer here. I was finally diagnosed with vulvodynia and vestibulitis in October after a year and a half of trying to get a correct diagnosis. I saw six doctors before I found one who knew what was wrong with me.

I don't know what your girlfriend's history is with this pelvic pain condition, but if she's had it this long, likely she's been told that the condition is in her head and that she "just needs to relax." That can take a toll on a person, as it takes a lot to put oneself through seeing another doctor who may not know what they're talking about or may dismiss one entirely.

That you're on these boards is a good sign. If you want to help her and your relationship, educate yourself and ask her what her experiences have been with treating it. Vaginismus is a broad term, so some doctor may have told her at some point that she has it and that was likely the end of it. Her pelvic pain may be primary, meaning that she's always had it, and that even inserting a tampon is impossible.

Two books I'd recommend picking up are "When Sex Hurts", which covers a range of pelvic pain conditions and possible treatments, and "Pelvic Pain Explained", which I think is a must-read for patients, their families, and partners.

I've finally been receiving physical therapy for my condition since the beginning of this year, and I have seen a lot of improvement, but I've a ways to go, and I'm not sure if I can have penetrative sex yet. My relationship broke up in part because of this, so if I can help you and your girlfriend in any way in this, let me know. I'm happy to talk about my experiences. This isn't an easy thing to deal with as the person who has it or for one's partner.

7

If she doesn't want to talk to professionals though, then that's her choice, and it sounds like she may never want to have penetrative sex with you or anyone else.  You may want to stay with her anyway, but I think you should work on the assumption that you'll probably never have normal sex with her.  Even if you did, it might be very awkward and uncomfortable for you as well as for her.  Personally, I would move on, but that's your call.