My thought processes are causing emotional problems!

Mental health
1

Hello...

I'm new to the site & just needed to talk...

I've been diagnosed for 15 years with Bipolar 2 & have experienced many symptoms.

I'm experiencing low level depression at present, I've lifted from daily crying & total avoidance of daily activities, to feeling flat & not wanting to do much, however carrying out what's absolutely necessary.

I've been taking an antidepressant now for just over 3 weeks so will start to lift more & more shortly; only to then start looking out for hypomanic symptoms (it's all a self management game that can be so draining)!

I'm struggling at the moment dreadfully with self confidence & esteem & my thought processes.

I feel I am fat, old, unattractive, useless & unworthy & I'm constantly questioning my husbands desire to stay with me?!

I'm out of work again due to my moods, I am not carrying out any of the careers I'm trained & qualified in & now even struggle to hold down a less stressful job.

My thoughts are turning every situation into a negative; if my husband leaves the house I think he's meeting someone, if he's looking at his phone I think he's interacting with another woman. 

Although we've been married over 11 years & together 12 with a son together & he's never given me any reason to doubt him, my negative thoughts are crucifying me!

I'm almost 13 years older than my partner which generates insecurity...

I know these thoughts are typical symptoms of the depressive pole & I'm sure once I've lifted or when next euphoric, I'll be back to feeling invincible & the sexiest woman alive; well, I'll feel better about myself anyway!

The constant cycle & inability to stabilise moods & mind sets, just make me despair!

Anyway...I've waffled enough, just needed to offload & would love to interact with someone, although appreciate that there may be no-one around.

Thank you for reading, take care, as I will too. ;0) 

2

Hi Scottie

What meds are you taking and how long have you been taking them for? I'm bipolar II as well, diagnosed in 1998, then it took several years for them to get me stable on a med combination that worked for me.  I've been stable now for years so there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm taking CItalopram (anti-dep) 40mg, Risepridone (anti-psychotic) 3mg, Diazepam 5mg as required and Hydroxyzine (seadting anti-histamine) 25mg.

Keep in touch and I send you my very best wishes that you can come out of this depression soon

xxxxx

 

3

Hello Lizzie...

Thanks for your reply & well wishes.

I'm not particularly medication compliant which isn't a huge help to my cause, although the side effects from taking a cocktail from the major part of my depressive triggers.

As a result & experimenting with medications without sound results for two years, I am not on regular medications & only take antidepressants when I can't stabilise a low mood.

The middle of the range symptoms I can just about manage myself, indeed there are fluctuations, however controllable ones.

It's just when the depression sinks too low, I really struggle & need help which comes in the form of 150mg of Venlaflaxine.

I'm resigned to thinking that I'll probably never resume the 'Happy go lucky, bubbly' personality I once effortlessly had (without being hypomanic) & just try to live as well as I can without self disappointment.

I'm thinking if you're more stable these days, then you don't live from one mood state to the next, as I do in bursts.

I hope to soon lift from my mind state of doom & gloom as I'm actually an optimistic, laid back character!!

I appreciate your response.

Xx

4

Hi Scottie,

Sorry to hear you're in the clutches of depression. I am bipolar and have only been diagnosed for 7 years (I'm 64). The meds make a world of difference for me. I'm on a low dose of antidepressant (Cipralex 20 mg) which sometimes is lowered in the summer months. I take Lithium which is a mood stablizer. 

In my experience most BPs do better with meds than without. I hated taking medication an refused to accept the BP label until I got so high (manic) I should have sprouted wings.  After ruining my second marriage, alienating my adult children and most of my friends I rethought taking meds.  It took a while but I'm pretty even-keeled down, I have ups and downs like everyone else, just not the extremes anymore. 

I wish you well Scottie,  keep in touch.

5

Hi Karin...

Thank you for sharing.

I gave medicines a two year trial & didn't find the positive effects worthy of living with the negative side effects & still experiences highs & lows during that time!

I therefore decided to self manage & only need antidepressants when I'm too low to lift myself. I find the depression awful as it swipes everything from me; as I know it does to all who experience it.

I'm so sorry to hear that the behaviours of this illness have ruined relationships for you.

Although I've lost friendships, it's mainly because I push people away & totally withdraw, rather than extreme behaviours abolishing them!

There have been extremes, so I've been fortunate not to irreversibly damage friendships...

It doesn't stop me from thinking that my husband will leave me!

I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, vastly different from when we met.

I'm worried I'll never be the relaxed woman, who enjoyed people & life ever again.

I'm 45 this summer!!!!

I will keep in touch as conversing with like minded people really helps. 

 

6

Hi again

Just come in from compline at church.  It took them several years for them to find a combination that worked for me, but then I was lucky, I didn't have particularly bad side effects apart from serious weight gain.  I have known many people over the years with various mental health problems and have observed that going off meds and on and off again etc tends to make them less effective, but you've probably observed this for your self.

I don't have any mood swings at all now and live a relatively calm and peacefull life, just the occasional anxiety, hence the diazepam.  I'm a totally different person though than before I was medicated.  I loved the hypomania, but it wrought havoc to my life including several broken relationships and I used to spend money like water.  Much as I enjoyed it, I had to admit that the depressions, and mixed states (combination of depression and mania) were too terrible to bear, so I submitted like a guinea pig to their experiments, and I'm glad I did for long though it took, the end result is worth it.

I'm sorry to hear about your insecurity with your husband, that must be debilitating for you, both of you probably. You have my sympathy.

Knowing you aren't keen on meds, have you tried counselling? I had soemthing called Human Givens Counselling, couldn't get it on the NHS and it was expensive, but the lessons I learnt from it have stood me in good stead with anxious situations like overcrowded trains and noisy environments.  

Once again, you have my best wishes

xxxxx

7

Hi Scottie,

I answered you by private email, some resources that you may find helpful - especially as it's not geared to medication.  karin

8

Hi,

This is my first time on the site as well. I was looking for someone who knows what i go through.  I have been going through this for 15 years as well.  i was diagnosed with bipolar, chemical imbalance and peri-menopause when i turned 40 and now I am 55yrs old.  I thought I was quite normal before this I did not suffer from any sickness except doing too much and not knowing how to say no.My cycle swings every month where I have highs and lows. i had a period of 4 years where I was doing pretty good but these last four years has been a challenge.  i feel like i am just existing sometimes as I am not going anywhere. I retired from my job 8 years ago and thought that my life would rise with no stress of work but no. I have been married for 25yrs and have a wonderful son who is 22yrs old.  I no longer have a relationship with him as he is very embarassed by my behaviour sometimes.  they can not deal with the highs, I am over confident and stubborn and just do things my way. i am a christian and i have made it so far on my faith but now i question that. Why am I not healed from this? I love the Lord and I know He loves me but this is hard.  I always have to go back and do damage control. i just needed to talk to someone as i feel so alone, like no one understands.

9

Hi Shelly

I understand.  Been bipolar since 1984, diagnosed in 1998 on meds since thern.  I'm also a committed Christian and the way I see prayer being answered is through the psychitrists and dr.s and meds I've seen/taken.  I'm pretty much stable now thanks to all this.  Are you on meds? if so, which ones? Do you have a psychitrist you can trust?  I'll keep following this thread

God Bless

Lizzie  xxxxx

10

Hi Liz thanks for contacting me. Yes I have been on tegretol since 2001. I ended up in a mental hospital on my husbands 40th b'day. i am 1 year older than him and it was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. it was a year sfter i was diagnosed and I was not claiming it as there is no mental illness in my family. Yes I do have a psychitrist but she is only been in practice for 5 years is is younger than me.

11

Hi Scottie-Your post resonates with me as my husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar Mixed. I struggle to understand his emotions and moods. They are overwhelming to him, and thus to me. I want so badly to help him know that I will never leave him, but he is never assured of that. The negativity is the hardest thing. I have always been a positive person, but the way he characterizes that is like that is sugar coating and not dealing with reality. I want to get him to understand that for me it is vital that there be some kind of hope, some kind of payoff for what I do. In certain stages, after he has not slept for days-it becomes all about him. Everything I do or say-according to him-is to hurt him or belittle him in some way, and I cannot get him to listen to reason. How can I help him? What should I say to him to make him know that I care? It is sharp in tone, accusatory and sometimes he accuses me of the same things he feels about himself. I can see it. Thank you for reading this. Lori

12

Lori...

I read your message with such understanding & complete knowledge of what you're describing.

I can appreciate from both perspectives & also have a point of view on both, my husband of over 12 years is also in the room & I've asked his view on a couple of points too.

My husband & I have been together since my diagnosis, I was euphoric & more than likely hypomanic during the early phrases of our relationship & he is almost 13 years my junior! I was probably feeling invincible & rather alluring & like mankind would fall at my feet; very common symptoms of euphoric hypomanic moods!

When we moved in together within the month & he proposed within 6 weeks, he was 20 & I was 33, my mum & sister stepped in & gave him both barrels regarding me & bipolar; I on the other hand had only given him edited highlights on the disorder, but enough!

Well, he stuck around, we're still together, very much in love & best friends, have a 10 year old son & have all the usual couple arguments etc & like your husband, despite everything my partner does to reassure, I too question our marriage, feel insecure, think he's going to leave me etc, etc...

It's a mindset that I cannot get out of & I suspect neither will your husband. I'd therefore suggest just responding naturally to his worries, don't be overly positive or untrue to yourself.

Nothing at all can snap me out of a negative mindset once in it, other than myself & you'll only feel drained trying & possibly like you've failed if you can't lift him, if you try to hard.

JUST BE THERE & RIDE IT OUT!

As for the sleeplessness & the mood states euphoria, through racing thoughts brings on through lack of sleep, I'm afraid the advice is much the same.

When I'm in that state & then analyse it all afterwards, once I've been through the guilt stage of whatever happened during that time, I know that it isn't a conscious decision to not listen to ANYONE or take on board ANYTHING they are saying, I just don't!

I think I'm right, justified in whatever I am doing & carry on regardless.

Again, nothing my husband can say or do really stops me in my tracks, I can't think of anything off the top of my head at the moment. In time I slow in my thoughts, come back down to earth & situations suddenly don't seem right to me & then I appreciate I need to stop etc...

I asked my husband what he feels he can do & he just confirmed pretty much what I've said by saying, "I can't get through to you, so I just implement damage limitation to whatever situation is occurring"!

He again rides it out ensuring I'm not overly vulnerable or putting the family at risk, especially finances as overspending is a huge symptom of a hypomanic state. He tries to encourage me to bed, keep me there, take away credit cards etc & talk things through with me.

Is telling you all this helpful or not really?

I won't be offended if I'm missing the point!

I'm certainly happy to share & support how I can, we're all so different however there are similarities & just chatting to those in the know is such a help I find.

I'm here anyway, bit of a waffler yet happy to help. ;0) Xx

13

Hi Lori

Me too as I had bipolar with mixed staes, same thing as I think you describe.  I could cope with the hypomania, enjoyed it even, the depression was aweful but I just used to lie around all day doing nothing, no motivation very sad but no self harm, but the mixed states were the worst.  For me it was form a high energy depression, a combination of depression and mania.  I used to listen to very loud music, scream shout, rip magazines up and paste them on to my walls, spend money, be promiscuous and draw the most disturbed pictures, both on paper and on Adobe Illustrator.

However, I escaped, there is hope.  I was initially put on the mood stabiliser epillim (sodium valproate) which didn;t do me much good, eventually after a few experiments, I was stabilised on citalopram 40mg, and risperidone 3mg, with diazepam as required for the attendant anxiety.  I'm in the process of coming off the diazepam now, but its hard, still, it did the trick when I needed it most..

To you and your husband I would say hang in there, let the psychiatrists do their stuff and trust, if not in God, in yourselves and those who will help you. The negativity is the disorder talking, not your dear husband.

My heart goes out to you lori and hubbie

Lizzie xxx

14

Hello Scottie- I suffer from bipolar 1, which my doctor tells me is more common. I have severe depression and anger fits. I take lamictal, cymbalta and serequel. The key is to take the mess everyday, not occasionally. They don't work that way. The other part is withdrawals in and of itself can cause depression. I know this because I've done it in the past. They only work as long as you stay on them. Then you can get a good idea if that cocktail of mess is working for you. I've had to go month to month to find the right mix for me. My life story sounds similar to yours. I'm 11 yrs older than my husband, we have a 15 yr old daughter- his from first marriage- I'm fat and have lost my sexual drive. I'm a self loather, I beat myself up constantly by making poor decisions, not thinking things thru. Also very forgetful. It causes huge fights with my husband. I just was approved for social security disability. I haven't been able to hold down a job. Lost my job of 25 yrs. I'm certain my outbursts and verbal abuse to coworkers was the final straw although they couldn't fire me for that. They really dotted their i's and removed me for not doing the job correctly. It was all BS. It took me a few years to figure it out. I've got other health problems that contribute to being on disability. But Bipolar is on the list. I don't think there is a strong enough antidepressant out there for me, I cry easily, my feelings get hurt, I get jealous of my daughters beauty- which I know is pretty stupid- my self esteem is in the toilet. I'm a hot mess. My Christian faith keeps me alive, and the certainty of the love my husband has of me keeps me comforted. I to wish I could go back to the time when I was funny, bright, secure, creative and strong. In a sense my entire self has been stripped away because of this stupid ass mental disorder. I'm sorry to have blabbed on so long everyone, but it truly is cathartic.

15

NOTE: I typed Mess and meant Meds. Sorry!

16

Dear Scottie70, you describe very well how the mood swings affect you.  You mention that you are on antidepressants and now feel wary about a manic attack in the future.  You do not say if you are also on some form of mood stabiliser.  I can only say what is working for me - Lithium - which after two years has proved to me that I can weather depression and have some confidence that I will not suffer an attack of mania; and when I have found myself going a little high I am now able to listen to my husband, son and friends without biting their heads off.  I hope you soon feel the affects of the antidepressant, stay stable and hopefully find work again.  All the best, Clare

17

Hello Clare...

Thank you for your reply.

I know that the best way to treat most if not all symptoms, diseases & disorders is to take regular medications.

I however have tried mood stabilisers & don't like their impact on me.

My worst mood swing triggers are generated by the mood stabilising drugs & therefore it seems ridiculous that I would take them & cause myself further emotional distress?!?!

I've studied the impact & effectiveness of certain medications on the system at Uni when studying midwifery; so I should know better!

I gave them a good go & didn't like how they altered me physically & psychologically.

That's why I only take antidepressants when I'm really low/depressed & can't pull myself out of it.

I can control the hypomanic states that occur in me with the help of my husband, however I can't control the depressions & that's why I feel I need the antidepressants & don't take the stabilisers.

If I take the antidepressants longer than they are required, they initiate a euphoric state in me that can escalate into hypomania.

The great thing in my favour is that I know myself really well & how bipolar effects me, enabling me to feel & be more in control.

There is absolutely no doubt, in the past, I've felt I'm in control & I'm not, however my husband is aware by that stage & takes the reins!

Hahahahahaha...

 

18

Hello Shelly...

Thank you for sharing, that's what I feel is good about a forum with really good members, the ability to share, be understood, heard & responded to with genuine empathy.

It is possible to have a fantastically supportive spouse, family & network of friends, however I still feel more at ease & understood far better discussing bipolar trials & tribulations with other individuals that have experienced the same or similar things...

I've been very 'out there' & carried out many a wild & crazy thing or two or three! I've lost & pushed away friendships during times of more extreme moods; whether depressed or manic!

Thankfully no key people, unless I've decided to walk away.

I've had a number of fall outs & extreme arguments with family, usually my parents & sister & one major fall out with my eldest brother, which still isn't fully resolved although we do love each other, communicate via text & feel relaxed in each other's company when we're together.

I'm sorry to hear you've presently got no relationship with your son.

He is still young however & as he understands more about bipolar & that your actions are out of your control when you're in the grips of the disorders symptoms, he may well come round & I sincerely hope he does Shelly.

I can't imagine what it must feel like; I have three children, my youngest lives with my husband & I, he's only 10. I have two teenagers from my first marriage & they don't live with me as I moved with my second husbands job, from Nottingham to London. They stayed in Nottingham with their Dad & we remain in regular contact & I visit every 5 weeks for a long weekend as my parents & a number of family members still live in the same area I was raised.

My eldest son is 19 & 1/2 & my daughter is a few days off 18!!

I've always been very open & honest with all three children & discussed the bipolar & it's effects on me with them from very early on; just pitched age appropriately!

I'm hoping that's why I've maintained a good relationship with them, that & luckily disguising & hiding more extreme bipolar traits; in the hypomanic pole! Managing not to display actions that might embarrass them, I think that's more out of luck & now not living together that's prevented that.

I hope there's some reconciliation in the futur for you both...

My worst bipolar symptom that stalls so much in my life is lacking confidence, very low self esteem & extremely poor body image.

I really don't like the way I look & I'm very self conscious & therefore lock myself in the house only doing what I have to do.

The lower my mood the less I do, the more lifted I am the more I do & of course, when I'm hypomanic, I'm wild & actually manage to do all sorts, too much & stupid stuff!

Certainly at the moment I'm just completely unsure of where my life is going...

I've trained & have qualifications I could put to use & don't due to the confidence issues I have, but then I question myself that at the age of almost 45 (in 3 days) what am I going to do?!

As a family unit we don't earn enough for me not to work, not to pay the bills AND have holidays & nice big extras! But then again, they're not really needed, love & security as a family is what's important & that's what I have...

I'm lonely & would like to work, I also feel guilty not working & watch my husband work so much; through choice, yet all the same, I'd prefer to be helping too.

I haven't replied to a few messages, on the open forum & private messages through the forum too, so I'll save you from an almighty reply 'THIS TIME'! I can get you good & proper in the future, so you're not out of the woods as far as getting encyclopedic messages from me!

I hope your mood is reasonably stable at the mo, I'm lifting & could actually do with a touch of hypomania to shake me up & raise my personality bubbles!

;0) Xx

19

Dear Scottie70,  Like you, for years I fought against various psychiatrists about the side effects of mood stabilisers, especially Lithium, as I had been poisoned by it in the past.  However, now I am taking the lowest dose of 400mg each night and all I can say is that it has made life a lot better.  I still suffer from low moods but not as much or as severe as before.  I had a high blip over Easter, but because I am taking the Lithium I was able to talk it through with my husband, grown up son, friends and professionals and nip it in the bud.  I have given up the notion that being high is a 'release' or 'fun'.  Too much chaos has resulted from my previous manic states.  In the past, because I was so anti drug treatment I tried hypnotherapy, homeopathy and acupuncture.  It might work for some, but I really had to bite the bullet and agree to Lithium 2 years ago.  Please don't think that all my life is hunky-dory now, but having a more stable mood is helping me to live a more fulfilled life.  Having read other blogs about people's experiences of Lithium I consider myself lucky as I don't have dreadful side effects, have not put on weight etc  I hope you have a reasonable relationship with a shrink or care-coordinator.  They are not the enemy and might be able to work with you.  I hope this is of some help.  All the best, Clare