Need to support someone with depression and need help

[nh_user_899676]

First found this website to try and find help for health problems which doctors have now pretty much hinted were menopause/psychosomatic but at least i'm feeling a lot better now!

ironically, i now have someone close to me who tells me that they are off work and on anti-depressants following suicidal thoughts and a possible nervous breakdown.unfortunately they live a three hour drive away and i am communicating with them by telephone.

to be honest, they have good reason to be depressed; they have had problems at their job including the fear of reduced hours which would have severe financial consequences and they have recently moved in with a person(for the third time!) who cold-shoulders them and the person i need to support feels that they are suffering mental abuse from this person but won't leave!

i've read advice from MIND and i get the idea that i can only a,listen and b, contact them frequently to make sure they are o.k.

i feel so helpless because there are some simple things that could be done to try to solve some of the practical problems helping to cause the depression but they just go hysterical at my offers of help .

they also don't want other friends and family back in their hometown to know about this which leaves a burden on me because i can't talk to my husband about it,he can't cope!

i've known this person all my life and they are perfectly capable of "cutting their nose off to spite their face" if pushed and they will begrudge my help and cut me off if i press too hard.sorry if that sounds hard but been there and got the t-shirt.

seriously; what should i do, just bite my frustration and shut up and listen and wait? don't know what i'd do if they hurt themselves and i'd done nothing.i feel like i'm alice down the rabbit hole!

[nh_user_675791]

Hi Liauq. I suffer with sever depression and schizophrenia, so I can offer some advice around what's helpful to me?

First of all just know.. It is absolutely not your responsibility to prevent your friend from taking their life or harming themselves. It is only the responsibility of your friend, and their psychiatric support team. Scary I know. But there really is not much you can do about this.

Ok so I am in a similar situation as your friend, in terms of having absolutely no friends or family know my business. I've recently spent 2 months in a psychiatric unit and all my friends and family thought I'd got a last minute deal and had gone on a short traveling holiday. The whole time my psychiatrist and other support workers were begging me to tell, but I was adminant they never find out. This was so so important to me. If they had broken my confidentiality then I would have (upon being released from my section) discharged myself from the service and never sought help again. Which would have made me 10X worse off.

With the conditions I have, I find it very very difficlt to trust anybody. Not even my psych team. Therefore when I do place a small amount of trust it is vital it is not damaged or broken in any way. I think this is because it is very difficult for people with mental health issues to feel like they are in control, A) of their mind, B) of their actual life and C) their rights. Possibly because we know our mind is trying to trick us at all times, and also we have the mental health act looming over us where by law, our rights to freedom are taken away. So unless you think your friend is going to actually act on their thoughts, it's possibly best that you dont break their confidence in you.

I know I am a very difficult person to deal with, and I find it very difficult to accept help. Partly because I feel I dont deserve it, partly becasue I dont trust it, and also because it's so hard to actually communicate. Talk, Text, email, whatever. So I get that you feel it is difficult to deal with your friend. Possibly they feel similar to myself in terms of accepting further help? Meds are just a temporary sticking plaster until you manage to reach a point where you can start CBT etc - this is what I mean by further help.

In all honesty, the best thing that helps me is a simple text each day from my CPN saying hello and they hope I'm ok.. with the offer of a phone call if I'm not. (I do also meet up with my psych team at least once a week). Maybe you can text your friend to? This puts less preassure on them as they do not have to respond immediately, which is kind of how a phone call works? They also still know that they are thought of kindly. A message like this really makes a difference to my day. Let them know they are not expected to reply immediately, otherwise they may fret and feel bad for not doing so. Something like not asking a direct question like.. How are you? Instead maybe say "Hope you're ok today, I'm here if you want to talk". Know what I mean?

I'm not sure how much sense I've made. I'm quite unwell at the moment and struggling to think straight. I've tried to mention my experiences and what helps me. I hope you may be able to take some of this and use it with your friend? Just please dont make them feel like they cannot trust you. Or they will push your help away - in my experience.

Good luck

[nh_user_899676]

Thankyou for your reply;

The person I'm trying to be coy about is my older sister and if I wrote a book about my family I'd have to rename myself Catherine Cookson.I feel that your advice about backing off a bit has got to be the right way to go but it's going to be hard..

Anyway; to let you know that my other sister is schizophrenic; she's now 67 and her children and family found out after the death of her husband 17 years ago!  The taboo's against mental health had suppressed the truth although when someone is admitted  to a pscychiatric hospital for ect and your mom is babysitting the little ones, you get an idea that something isn't right!

Now I know the truth, my heart bleeds for all the years we could have helped and understood her more...please think hard about letting your loved ones know and let them be there for you.

p.s; my sister is very loving,kind and I go to her when I need to moan and need some sense knocked into me..as long as the meds work! please take medical help if you feel wobbly and don't give up.This problem is not you, you are still there and you have lots of rights and abilities.   thankyou.

[nh_user_928207]

I feel ur already doing great, it sounds ur doing all u can, u cant control this situation and its ur friends choice to ask for help or not. Ur friend is not ur responsibility and i know this sounds harsh but if they do take their own life its not ur fault, uve done all u can,and as iv said u dont/cant control the situation and ur not responsible for ur friends actions.just keep doing what ur doing, u sound like a great friend n thats all u can be. Be there when ur friend needs u,but u cant give any help their not ready to receive. . Trust me ur doing great...

[nh_user_899676]

many thanks for your kind words.its just that she is going to have no money if she can't get herself together enough to sort out ssp with a dodgy employer and she's moved back in with a verbally abusive man who has probably slashed her car tyres in the past while still paying rent on a place she could go back to in safety and she is reluctant to take anti-depressants because of migraines.it makes me cry because she's very attractive/charismatic with a high I.Q. she's got her first counselling session today so i'm praying that someone without our family baggage can help.

this is just the icing on the cake of years of worry and bailing her out of financial cock-ups and it's going to be that way as long as we live!