Need to talk

Mental health
1

Hi.

 I'm not really sure what to post about here.. It's my first time doing something like this I guess.. 

I'm kind of scared.. 

I think I might have depression. 

For a while now, maybe 6 years, I've always had these small feelings inside. I just thought they were normal teenage things. I mean I was 16. 

I used to fight with my mum all the time. Eventually I was convinced to move out by a friend. At their house I experienced all kinds of mental and emotional abuse. It took almost 2 years for me to finally pack up my things and move back into my mums house. 

Skip a few more years and that brings us to now.. 

I'm constantly feeling useless and alone. I worked a snow season recently where I had a pretty big car accident. I was fine, whiplash and still lingering pain now, but the car was worse off than I. I thought maybe I was suffering PTSD. But it's everything. I cameback home to find out I had no job any more. So no car, no job and no money because of the $1000 it took to pay for th accident. 

Needless to say it's pretty crap for me.. 

I don't know how to explain what I feel right now.. it's all over the place. 

I feel worthless. Needy and Pathetic. 

I just got in an argument with a friend because I fely like I couldnt talk to her about something. 

I cry every day. Multiple times. For most of the day. 

I feel like every thing in my life is becoming too much and no matter how many good things happen there is always something bad to bring me back down.. 

I'm finding it hard to sleep at nigth cause of heart pounding and I'm shaking and I can't close my eyes. Then once I sleep I find it hard to wake back up and go about my day. Every day is the same and I can't take it any more. 

I feel anxious 24/7. 

I can't tell my mum becaue when I try to bring it up she tells me to harden up and ill be fine just wait. 

There are times where I wish I had of just died in the car accident. I was told I was lucky to be alive. That I should have been seriously injured or even died. But I didn't. I should be grateful but at times I wish I had of just died..

I 've never self harmed but I have come close.. It's starting to really scare me.. 

I want to go an see a doctor. But I don't know what to say.

Do I just go in and say, "Hey so I think I have depression, what do I do?" I'm just scared...

Please some one help me... 

2

Yeah, just go to your doctor and say you think you might be depressed. If that feels like a difficult opener, you could say that you're having a lot of trouble sleeping, because you feel agitated a lot of the time, and the gp should ask some leading questions. Doctors have seen all this lots of times over and should be sympathetic. If you think you're not getting your point across, do try to be strong and say everything you want to say. Some people write everything down to give to the doctor in case they are to embarrassed to say it, but I feel more awkward doing that. These days it's really unlikely you won't be met with understanding, but if you're unlucky enough to get a bad doctor, make another appointment with a different doctor at the same practice. There's lots of help out there, and you shouldn't have to go through this alone.

It's a horrible place you're in at the moment, but once you start to get the right treatment, which could be medication or counselling or a combination of the two you'll start to feel in control again. Also keep coming back here to ask questions. Depression treatment is very experimental, and what suits one person doesn't suit another, so don't give up if you think it's not working. It might be that you need to try something else. No-one here can tell you what will work for you, you just need to find out with your doctor, but we can give you the moral support to keep trying until you feel better.

But don't be scared of going to your doctor! Took me ages to summon up courage the first time, and it was a bit of an anticlimax that she reacted so calmly. I hope you start to feel better soon, post here any time you need to, and keep us updated x

3

Hi J3SA

It is important for anyone who is depressed to understand what depression is and what it means. It is an easy condition to fob off by oneself and even easier for others (like your mother) not to take seriously. People, by the way, who don't seem to take what you say seriously, - are usually people with poor knowledgement and a huge fear of not knowing what to do or doing the wrong thing. Don't fall into the trap of 'proving' to them how you feel. That is where doctors and therapists come in, but even they can be rather dismissive and that is where you have to fight your corner. After all.. they do get paid for it!

Mild dose of anti-depressants might take the edge off your feelings of anxiety and hopelessness, but insist on therapy alongside them as, all they do is to push the worst back into your mind. They help you function day-to-day and give you a bit of a break, but they don't solve the underlying problems.. and I don't think you want to become dependent on those things.

Speaking of dependency: I believe (from having been clinically depressed - it comes and goes - since the age of nine) that, depression is a bit like an addiction.. in the sense that a) It is kept in secret b) There is a stigma around the word c) It is hard not to cling onto a life in denial d) It takes over your life, your way of thinking, your way of making decisions e) If and when you finally let go of it - you will feel empty and as if you've lost a bad friend, but nevertheless a friend

Let's get back to the top: Get to know what/when/how symptoms such as anxiety, sleepless nights, lethargy, self harming thoughts etc raises their fearsome heads:

We have to learn the signs. (I drink white wine but when I start wanting something stronger, then I know I am going down. It's up to me to recognise this and decide either 'Fk it - I'll just get on with it and wait until I come out of it' or 'No, I don't want to succumb to this right now.'

The thing with depression though is that you can only keep it at bay for so long. If it is within you anyway.. then it will strike eventually and then you have to prepare yourself. You need to remember - here your mother has a point - it will pass.. but it might return.. then pass again etc etc.

Personally, after a hell of a lot of therapy and some spells of medication, - have accepted that this is a part of me as a person and I am certainly not alone.

Meanwhile, it has felt as if depression has been largely to blame for my failures, which is not true. One can succeed as well as live with it, but one has to understand and recognise what it is whether one knows why or not.

I have now a mid-stage I call 'happily depressed'.. sounds a weird thing, I know, but that is the stage where I can use my downs creatively. I write, draw badly, sing sad songs, have a few days off doing nothing but indulge in meaningless TV, popcorn and the cosiest blanket I can find...

Yet, anything can tip me over. A harsh word or someone looking down at me can be devastating and trigger the down from down. But I always keep in mind that IT WILL PASS.

I do hope you get the help you need and that you give yourself a chance to help yourself too.

 

4

I'm kind of scared of talking to some one I don't know about all these thoughts and feelings. Even though I know it will be good. 

Thank you for your reply though. I'm going to ring up the doctors on Monday to book an appointment. 

5

Thank you for your response. 

I'm going to start writing on a piece of paper how I've been feeling and thinking and I'm going to call the doctor on Monday to book an appointment to go and see some one. 

It kind of feels good to know I'll be taking a step and actually talking to a professional about it. I have one friend I can talk to because she can undertand. She suffers from depression too and alwas tells me about how I pulled her out of her dark hole when I became her friend. But some times I feel like I can't talk to her because she feels bad that she can't help me like I did her. I don't want her to feel that way so I feel like I have a lot bottled up... 

Anyway I'm going to try and get some help because I'm tired of feeling like this all the time when I used to be the happiest person I knew.