panic attacks and the start of self harm worry

Mental health
1

hi,

I've suffered with depression, anxiety and panic disorders for over 10 years now, i've been on Venlafaxine and propranolol for 3 years, at it's worst i've done silly things like bang my head against the floor so hard i left myself with a bruise on my forehead, just because this, at the time, seemed like the most plausable idea to stop my brain from thinking the thoughts that were causing my constant panic attacks.

I have exerstential Thanatophobia or death phobia so my panic attacks come from the fear of my inevitable death.

Even though my meds do work the last panic attack i had a few nights ago i found myself scratching my arm until it bled attempting to take my mind off of the invasive thoughts, as you can imagine over the past 10 years i've tried almost every self help tip in the book and none of them worked more than once, but i've NEVER self harmed to this extent before.

I'm so worried that i've started something i won't be able to control next time a panic attack hits. I've still got the scabs on my arms and am scared someones going to ask where they came from and i'm so embarrassed i even did this.

My only problem being that each time i have a panic attack now, even though they have reduced significantly, all i can think about is sinking my fists into the nearest wall, like it's a real struggle not to, or to put my fists through the table, jus thoughts like that, anything to stop the fear and thoughts.

i've also noticed since the begining of this year i'm starting to have real anger issues, I can get so mad that i'm absolutely raging but i'm not naturally an angry or mean person so it burns up inside and leaves me with terrible acid reflux and my stomach burns, this in turn worries me about stomach ulsers and if it would just be healthier to let it all out, but i know if i did that i'd hurt a lot of people, probably not physically but emotionally, and i'd probably lose my job rolleyes

I just dont know what to do now, for my own good. i've never been in this situation before.

 

2

Do you have a therapist or a counsellor or someone who is trained to help?

3

No, my doctor referred me for CBT, it was a group session which I wasn't too happy with in the first place as I'm very conscious about my condition and then after the first introductory meeting gthey moved venues and I didn't know where it was so anxiety got the better of me and I ended up not going

4

hmm. is there a one-on-one option?

5

Reading your mssg literally broke my heart, i used to get the worst panic attacks in the world, like it felt like all my organs were being crushed inside me by invisible hands.  I'd do anything to make them stop,  smash my head against the floor or wall, scream, fall to my knees and do both, stick my fingers down my throat to puke (which was actually, really effective). One time the police and an ambulance were called cos i did it outside Tesco. 

 I'm not suprised you feel such anger, i'm not a doc or anything but do you think it's anger bourne out of pure fustration of having to deal with your constant unpredictable panic on top of everything else? 

Have you got all your various breathing techniques nailed down? This was literally the only way (other than puking/retching) i was able to get mine under control.

Accepting your own mortality is something i don't think anyone can really help with. Alot of my friends and family have (or Have had) cancer and it's weird to kinda ...address. I don't fear death anymore, i literally don't care. 

But to convey that to someone else, i just don't know.

Talk to me if you want, i'll help anyway i can.  

6

i've not dared go back to ask seeing as i blew off the last help they offered me. sounds stupid but i get scared when i need to go doctors which i never did before the meds. id rather just not go and suffer in silence than go talk to someone about it even though i no i need the help

7

That sounds horrible, you dont deserve that.

your mental health should come before your pride.

Can you ask them for help?

 

8

i didnt realise what i'd written was heart breaking, it's just what i go through. guess it's not as hard hitting when you're used to it.

To me it's like my heart and lungs are doing their own thing with a crushing sensation and my brain has just completely lost the plot and just focuses on one thing and everything else doesn't even matter anymore just the fact that one day i won't exist, my mind can't even begin to comprehend something so bad could happen to me but the thought just keeps on cycling.

see i could never do something like make myself puke, i'm not at all self desructive because of my phobia but the fear is out weighing the need for self preservation and my brain and body just want it to stop but don't know how else to do it, even though it's a fight or flight situation there's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide so it'd just a case of getting it to stop.

I couldn't tell you where the anger comes from because i'm always angry about different things but i guess the stress of my anxieties doesn't help.

I have some breathing techniques i try to do like in through the nose and out through the mouth, deep and slow belly breaths. Don't really know any others tbh.

See you're the only person i've ever spoke to on here that's ever said you don't think anyone can help with the fear of your own mortality.....THAT is exactly how I feel when people ask me if i've sought help, Like wtf is someone going to do to help me?????? Tell me don't worry it's not going to happen, your fear is unfound, just accept it????

there is nothing i haven't tried to think of myself that someone can say to me! and clearly nothing i've said to myself has helped.

so they will send me to learn to control my thought but i'll never not know whats going to happen to me, or breathing techniques, ye, cheers, i'll remember to use those on my death bed.

........Just a thought writing all that i got pretty f***ing angry. maybe it's because i feel no one can help me........maybe i feel helpless......

I wish i could not care, even tried religion but it just really isn't for me, i'm more on the side of science than magic lol......no offence meant btw, just my personal opinion.

But thank you DanJames, i would really appreciate a good conversation with you.

9

i can ask them but i just don't want to.

i went to the doctors about going on meds for the first time 2 and a half years ago and they put me on citalopram, told me it would take 4 to 8 weeks until i felt the benifits, fair enough, but after a few days it got really bad so i went back and told my doctor i couldn't stay on them because of how bad my panic attacks had gotten and she told me she wouldn't change tablets and i'd just have to stick with it, i felt abandoned, i wasn't sleeping any more than 2/3 hours before i was up again in constant panic attacks, they just wouldn't stop until i finally went 24hrs with no sleep in a constant state of panic and anxiety, constantly phoning help lines, had an ambulance out twice, I had to go stay with my mum and lost around 3 to 4st in weight because i couldn't physically eat because of the anxiety. I honestly thought i was going to go crazy, like hospitalised crazy.

i finally went back to my doctors after almost a week of being on citalopram for an emergency appointment, couldn't even wait in the waiting area and had to ask to go in the side room because i was just crying none stop and in such a state. This time i saw a different doctor and i had to get my sister to explain what was wrong because i couldn't speak.

Finally he changed me over to Venlafaxine and Propranolol and had to give me Diazepam to calm me down, only 2mg but i took 4 that first day after going back to hospital A&E.

The only time i went back to the doctors after that was because i kept on getting severe migrains which i've never suffered with before in my life until i started taking the meds, this doctor told me one of  propranolol's uses was for migrains and so he didnt know why i was getting them and suggested taking 2x80mg instead of one.

i think because each time i've been going to the doctors it's been in such bad times in my life that i've just associated the doctors with bad stuff.

10

To me, it seems like you haven't given therapy or actual mental health a fair try.

The option is there, and there's not many options available until you actually go through it and try those methods property.

Can you try again? Maybe ask your doctor for a therapist?

11

if you havent then read my last reply to DanJames and you will see why.

i know i should but i just can't see how it could help me and i guess i've just given up hope

12

that's not the best attitude to have.

why would you give up when you know that there are options that could work that are just sitting there?