nothing to add except i thought this was a great reply x
not going to go to the extreme with my reply but i hit peri in jan i posted on ere the other day menopause marriage wrecker!!! iv been with my husband 27 years married for 20 next week. 2 weeks ago he told me he no longer knew who i was and that i made him feel like shite accusing him of seeing someone one else as he also had started working late and going pub and going fishing so he messaged me at work saying he was going night fishing and needed to think about what to do as he was enjoying going out and having the single life better than putting up with me ,my moods,lack of sex,accusations,the blow outs and everything else iv put him through the last 8 months… i was totally devastated drank 2 bottles of wine cryed, screamed ,sobbed my heart out and didnt sleep all night and tryed to go work nxt day (got sent home ) begged and pleaded to try and save my marriage which thankfully worked but men need to understand what crap we go through and we dont ask for the panic attacks in the middle of the night,the hot flushes,the moods,the lack of sex drive and all the rest of the crap menopause brings without the most important person of our lives wanting out as we are being bitches do u think we would be like this if we could bloody help it i dont think so give her a hug and tell her you love her and buy her a big bunch of flowers because understanding is all we need and to know we are loved…
He has the same post written over 14 months ago. I truly feel your wife is an angel and if you say you love her then please learn to be understanding. Look back on all the years she has spent by your side, the support she has given you and what you have been through together. As we all grow older including you men, priorities need to change along the way. I hope you find the maturity to deal with this situation and help her through these bad times,
Claire,
I hear what you are saying. Since yesterday I have taken a step back and I am trying my hardest not to take things personally . I know none of you ladies choose to feel this way and the symptoms are beyond your control even with HRT.
I’ve put my “big boy’s pants” on and focusing on the positives. I am not going to give up and I’m confident in time things will get better.
thank you for taking the time to read my post and replying.
regards
Brandon
Hi Brandon,
Your dilemma is simple, which is different than being easy.
When I married my husband, I married him all the way. Meaning, if he ever became disabled to the point of not being able to carry out what we agreed ahead of time were “marital duties”, it would not change one bit how committed I was to the marriage.
So, if he were injured in an accident, let’s say, or, as he aged he developed dementia, and could no longer remember to tell me he loves me, or God forbid didn’t even recognize me, it would change nothing in my commitment level to the marriage. (even if it did change my happiness level with the marriage). He would have no control over those things, so why would I be resentful of him or take it personally?
I have had to remind myself of that many times, especially now, as I struggle with my own approach to menopause and feel JUST HORRID PHYSICALLY a lot of the time.
I hate that the physical symptoms keep me from enjoying the same things at the same pace we did 5 years ago. Listen… IT CRUSHES MY SOUL.
You have no idea how many times I have written in my journal “I just want to be myself again, for the sake of my husband and daughter”.The fact that I physically cannot puts me on par with a wounded animal… I do sometimes lash out, and I regret it every time.
And you have no idea how many times I have pretended to be fine, even when I obviously wasn’t, for the sake of my husband and daughter. And run myself to literal medical exhaustion doing that.
This is primarily a physiological transition, and it affects EVERYTHING else.
The symptoms are different, but it is a physiological transition, just as a cancer diagnosis or a dementia process would be. (The good news about menopause… it is not terminal, even though it feels like it will be. There will be a time when the fluctuations aren’t as severe, and a new normal can be established).
So the simple/not easy question is, would you expect her to stay by your side through ANY physiological transition? And did you promise to do the same for her? (In my situation, I have to trust that he meant it when he said “for better or worse”, just as I did. )
I will pray for you both, as I pray for my own marriage and family.
Best of luck to you both.
Sara
Brandon,
Menopause is hell. Especially when 70 year old men are still having children. It’s a cruel joke that makes me think God is a man. And doctors, let me tell you, SUCK at knowing or even caring about helping women through this, even female doctors. It’s considered a “lady issue”. I’m only PRE menopause and already my anxiety is through the roof, gained a ton of weight and feel gross, have a giant painful fibroid and hair falling out in clumps. We do not want to be like this. If there was a magic pill we would take it. I truly believe if men went through it there would be better treatments for it, and your wife, all of us could be healthier and more balanced. So I’m sure it’s hard on you as well, but if you truly love your wife I would strongly suggest you get couples counseling as someone else recommended. Ideally with an older woman therapist who understands menopause. Find a safe space for your wife to share her pain, but ALSO for you to also share yours when she loses her temper, and a space for you, with an expert, to find coping skills, solutions etc. so you can work through things better together. So when she loses her tempter you have a strategy and so when she feels like she’s losing it, she does to.
Noted and thank you.
Sara,
Thank you for your prayers and I will be doing everything I possibly can to support my wife and for us to stay together.
Regards
Brandon
God bless you for saying exactly what i was going to say myself. Marriage is about teamwork. helping each other through the good, bad, ugly and sad.
you are my hero for writing this. thank you so much!
i meant my last post for the women in this forum. you ladies are my heros. thank you.
Hi.
i have read some of the replies to this post and find them less than objective.
i am not saying i agree with everything i the post either.
It goes without saying that the woman in the relationship is suffering all the physical and mental effects.
However to say men should just suck it up and provide all means of support, is unrealistic
My wife is currently in the advanced stage of menopause. We do talk about it and I probably try to suggest things that may help, like more exercise, natural vitamin supplements etc, more than she does.
For some time , she feels very low and distant, has low self esteem and generally lacks enthusiasm for many things.
we have been married 34 yrs and I feel the same way about her now as I did when we got married… I love her unconditionally and have never considered being involved with any other woman.
The way menopause has effected her and her contribution to our relationship has left me feeling abandoned at times.
I can relate to the point about exercising more as a distraction , as it occupies times she wants to be alone.
During our married life we have always spent most of our free time together.
If I am being totally honest , with regards to sex , it’s the loss of intimacy more than the act of sex I miss more.
I miss the passionate connection.
As it stands , it seems we are in separate sides of a parallel universe and it breaks me up that I can see her , but as if I can’t touch her.
I have read that a sex drive can re-establish its self in women . But as its caused by the drop in hormone levels , that as far as I understand, do not rise again, how does the sex drive and desire for physical contact return.?
Nothing would make me happier, than to make my wife feel within her self, that she is still so attractive and so desirable.
The general feeling for both of us seems to be sadness.
I am using “I” so criticise if you feel it is merited, but I have never felt so detached from my wife , emotionally or physically.
I long for the day , that the person she was , returns. I know she is trying to and desperately wants to return.
Hi Roy
I’m not going to give criticism, this forum should be a place for people to speak about how they feel without judgement. We may not always agree but we can be kind. Firstly, the simple fact you are writing here shows that you care. Have a good read around the various threads and you will quickly see just how horrific perimenopause and menopause can be.
Us ladies don’t even know how to help ourselves sometimes. It can be easier to shut ourselves off because we simply can’t face it all or we don’t want to burden others. Nothing about this is simple and when you feel physically and mentally drained doing anything can feel like climbing a mountain.
It can be hard enough to get ourselves through the day in one piece at times, let alone worry about how someone else may be feeling about it. Sounds harsh but that’s how bad it can be. It’s not because we don’t care, we just have nothing left to give. I will admit that I haven’t always been that kind to my husband, it’s certainly not his fault but it’s actually not something I can control. Sounds ridiculous but it’s true. This alone can cause feelings of guilt and shame. Open and honest conversation is always important here. It may be that you need to be the one to initiate those conversations, but without judgement and with patience. From my own personal experience, my husbands support has been so very important. Also, if your wife has little support or people she can turn to, maybe she would like to join the forum too.
Yep, sex drive can go out the window. This can be the drop in hormones but also when you feel awful it’s not really the first thing on your mind! Sex can actually be painful for some women. There are treatments but I’m not going to go into that here as I do not know your wife’s personal reasons for this issue and I would feel disrespectful to her. Intimacy can be found in many ways, set aside quality time together and again communication is key.
This doesn’t last forever but my goodness it is tough. I wish you and your wife all the best.
I can’t tell if this is an older post or a newer post. I am just so surprised a dude would come in to a women’s forum complaining about his marriage. Ladies do you think we should go to a prostate erectile dysfunction board and complain about our marriages? I bet that would go over really well.
Men reading this if your wife was going through a major medical issue would you still be complaining? What if she had the C word, or was in a car accident with major injuries? Would you still be complaining? If you would then LEAVE HER! She deserves better.
Perimenopause is a major medical event. You know who wants to be normal again? She does! She wants to sleep again, have great sex, not be depressed, have beautiful hair, skin, nails, fit in her cute clothes again. She doesn’t want to be a rage monster & forgetful. She doesn’t want to be scared, confused, alone and expected to make everything better for those around her because she is going through something.
I swear women spend decades taking care of everyone then when we need those in our lives to be there for us we are alone. No wonder women have high divorce rates and never get married again during this time in our life. I know a lot of post-menopausal women say to me they would never put up with a man again. They are so blissfully happy.
You already checked out of your marriage. She knows it too. She might have already told you or didn’t tell you. She knows you did. You already broke her trust and at least some of the love she had for you.
I drive my husband nuts with Peri. My healthy anxiety can make him lose his temper. He’s the most even tempered man I know. I know he misses our sex life and can make comments where I side eye him and tell him off. He also brings me washcloths when I have bad hot flashes. He goes the extra mile to make things easier for me. He has a demanding job where he is worn out. He goes to the store all the time to buy weird medicines I need. He helps me check for health things. He gives me support. He tells me to be angry & cry. He tells me I am beautiful every day, when I feel ugly. He loves me all the time even when I feel insecure and scared. I know I am loved. That’s the kind of marriage your wife deserves during this horrible time in her life.
You will need her someday and you pushed her away. She didn’t push you away.
To the guys reading this if you are unhappy please leave. I am begging you to leave. I am begging you to leave for her. You are making her a lot unhappier than she ever made you. You couldn’t man up enough to do the right thing you promised her at the alter and that is stand by her side through thick and thin. She deserves better.