Hello, I am after some candid advice. Please be honest and brutal. Trust me; I can take it. There is one thing about being married, and totally in love with menopausal women, you learn to develop a “thick skin” and tolerance. However, I feel my patience is running out. A bit of background about me and my situation: my wife entered the surgical menopause seven years ago. After numerous medical appointments, we eventually found a specialist menopause nurse who prescribed the correct HRT. My wife and I are in our early fifties, both of us are in full-time employment, and we are “comfortable”. Neither of us has any medical conditions. We are very sporty and have great families and friends. We have a great social life and go out as a couple or with our friends. I am really in love with my wife. She is my soul mate, best friend, and I fancy her like crazy. Watching her go through the menopause is terrible, and I have done my best to support her. Sometimes I have been great, and other times I have been insensitive, but my wife has said that she doesn’t know how I have put up with her and I deserve a medal. When you love someone, you do what’s necessary. In the last twelve months, my tolerance has been pushed to the breaking point. I feel as though my love, my support and understanding has been thrown back in my face. I don’t want a prize I want to feel loved and cherished and not alone. My wife has said terrible things to me that have hurt me to the core, and I am now reassessing my marriage and our feelings towards each other. I have withdrawn from her both physically and emotionally. I don’t believe my wife will be worried about the lack of sex because our sex life has declined significantly over the last five years. I have tried to address this issue by being patient, understanding and not putting any pressure on her. I have reached a point where I don’t want sex anymore, and that is so unlike me because I love making love to her and being intimate. But I’ve been rejected so many times, it destroys my confidence and hurts too much. I have told my wife how I am feeling, but the situation doesn’t improve. I know you cannot ask or expect someone to change (unless they want to), but you can change yourself and how you deal with situations. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage where I am not happy most of the time (eighty twenty rule). Lately, I find excuses not to go home, and I reduce the amount of time I spend with my wife. I work more hours, go out with friends or by myself, spend more time exercising, or I find any activity to keep me busy. I don’t feel like a married man anymore, and I feel very little connection with my wife. We used to be a team, but our love was not suffocating because we encouraged each other to go out and holiday with friends. Seeing her happy with or without me always made me happy. I love my wife, but we all have an obligation to be happy. I know there is no such thing as a perfect marriage/relationship. I just want to be loved. I am not a needy person. I don’t need to be told that I am loved every day; I don’t expect sex every day (twice a week would be lovely). I am really easy going and considerate. I just feel I have come to a point where I think we would be better off apart. I’m not interested in anyone else I would rather be lonely by myself than lonely in a relationship. So I am after any advice that will help me to save my marriage because that’s what I want, but I’m not prepared to continue like this. It’s not fair on my wife or me. I have asked my wife how she feels, and she said everything is okay, but it amazes me how she can be happy when I am not. Is this further evidence of a breakdown of communication and connection?
I debated whether or not to respond to this post. I read nearly the exact same post in another forum and it creepily swayed to talking mostly about sex. Maybe I am selfish, but I would like a menopause forum to be about myself and other women who are struggling with crippling symptoms. I really have little tolerance in a menopause forum for men complaining about their wives being mean to them and not giving them enough sex. You used "I" over 40 times in your post. You paint a picture of you being loving, supportive, and understanding, while simultaneously outing your wife for saying hurtful things, withholding sex, and being unaware of the current situation. I literally laughed out loud when you mentioned being described as a, "saint" and "deserve a medal." A saint doesn't purposely find excuses not to come home. A medal winner doesn't doesn't elevate themselves above those who are struggling.
The women here are suffering physically and emotionally everyday. They are using every bit of strength they have to keep their head above water. If you want to leave your wife, do it. If you want to be a loving husband, be one. Imagine if you were going through a health crisis and your wife complained that you aren't giving HER enough attention and sex. Sounds a bit selfish and immature, right? It is a good thing that you, "don't want a prize" because you sure haven't earned one.
Focus on the part where you are, "totally in love" and leave off the part of, "with a menopausal woman." It is demoralizing and patronizing. You are asking for help, here is how you can help yourself (not your wife). Go and read every post and every comment on this forum from women who are truly going through the worst years of their lives. Listen to them say how much pain they are in, how frightened they are, how they have no control over what is happening to them, and how no one understands the depth of their suffering. Then, reread your post and adjust your mentality as appropriate.
My heart breaks for your marriage. How sad to see such a wonderful marriage fall apart. You're patience are to be commended. I am 51 and have not yet gone thru Menopause but by your story that sounds like the root of your marital issues. Perhaps your wife needs her HRT meds adjusted? I don't understand her disconnect with you. It must be the hormones. I would together see her Dr again and see if her meds can be adjusted. Lack of sec is difficult as well as that is an important part of marriage. Have you tried quiet dates alone, dinner, wine, getting her to relax and let all barriers down? The fact that she's happy is confusing.....how possibly could she go from everything you had before together to hardly ever being together? It just doesn't add up. So please talk to her Obgyn and hopefully a meds adjustment will get your marriage back on track. ps....i applaud your patience❤
i just wanted to say if you truly love your wife dont give up on her this phase of life dont last forever but it seems that way. stay patient with her she cant control or help what she is going through and no one can say how long this will last for her as all us women are different. and if you decide yo stay patient or leave here is alittle advice if you do leave make sure you find another thats through it or what was the point in leaving your wife? my husband is lucky to get sex once a month many women just get to the point whats the use when its uncomfortable we get dry it hurts. its not that we dont want to have sex with our husbands we are going through alot right now mentally and physically its breaking us down. men really dont understand just because you cant see all the suffering doesn't mean it doesn't exist. i understand what yiur going through but she is going through more then you even know this Peri isnt for the weak it destroys women in many ways. my advice is if you truly love your wife you will stick it out and stand by her til the end of this hell she going through. if my husband would make excuses to not come home with me scared out my mind with symptoms he wouldn't have a home to come back too.
I agree with Staci, lots of 'I's'. And while we are being brutally honest here, men aren't exactly top notch at sex when they are in their 50s. It kind of hurts to have sex with a soft d$ck. And twice a week?? Rolling my eyes here!
Go ahead, leave your wife for some 30 year old. Make sure to have enough viagra on hand. She will even want to start a new family with you. And by the time she hits meno you'll be too old to care.
I couldn't have put it better myself its like every word was coming out of my mouth men just don't get it
you just dont get it do you the word Menopause says it all give your wife time remember shes the victim of a process a womens body puts her through and believe me if you had any idea exactly what we go through you would not have put this post on here man up instead of going off on your own take her on holiday tell her you love her tell her shes beautiful romance her without the sex
Seriously, why do men feel the need to come on a women's menopause forum to complain about their wives to menopausal women? Like, really? You've come to the wrong place! Maybe they need to have a forum just for men dealing with menopausal women so they can get advice there!
I agree with what Staci said. I am 51 and have come out the other end of menopause. But it is no definitely no picnic. I just verbally shredded my husband of 26 years last night leaving him licking his wounds in another room away from me. Why? Because at that time it was something menial and I feel like at times a vicious alien has taken over my body and I feel I don't have any control over it. Pain and frustration added makes it hard for me to be civil and I mourn for the fun and laughing person I used to be. If your patience is running thin? Just think for a moment that you can walk away from menopause but your wife can't. You love your life and I am sure your wife does too, but menopause changes a woman. They call it "going through the change" for a reason. I agree with not only reading all the other post that others and myself have added to over the years but do one thing...imagine it happening to you. My husband is stubborn but I would suggest maybe couples therapy. But make that appointment with a middle aged woman therapist would you please?
Hi Brandon! First I would like to commend you on your bravery. You've just entered the Lions Den. lol. You wanted brutal honesty and you got it for sure. Here's my take on this. I am 47 and going through perimenopause. Actually I think I have been going through it for the past seven years, but this past year has been the worst. My mood swings and anxiety got so out of control that I literally would go from being depressed and crying for no reason to down right pissed off, again, for no reason. That's when I finally went to my doctor and asked for help. My reason??? My wonderful husband, that's what. My main concern in all of this transition is that I do not take any of this out on my husband and drive him away. I was put on Venlafaxine for my mood swings and hot flashes and what a difference! I wish I discovered this stuff years ago. I don't want to go on HRT since breast cancer runs in my family, so I opted for an antidepressant.
So, my whole point here is this. I personally do not see a self absorbed man just complaining about not getting enough sex and not getting his needs met. What I see is a man that has tried being patient and understanding but is at his breaking point because his wife is completely wrapped up in what she is going through and not considering her husbands feeling AND possibly using his as an emotional punching bag. Also, as for her saying "everything is ok," maybe she literally does not see how she is acting.
So, here's my advice. First, tell her how you honestly feel. Do it gently and honestly and of course wait for a time when she is in a good mood. Tell her you are genuinely concerned for her health and that you would like to go with her on her next visit to her doctor to discuss options for treatment. Second, I would highly advise marriage counseling. If she refuses to go, then go by yourself. Third, romance her. Do some date nights. Be candid with her and ask what she needs when it comes to sex.
In all this, use reverse psychology. What if you suddenly had a major drop in testosterone? I know it's not the same as menopause, but it can be comparable. It would affect your ability to have sex, it would affect your mood and your weight. So if you were going through this, how would you like your wife to treat you? What would you expect from her?
So, be sympathetic, but don't be a doormat. Good luck! I wish you the best and hope this gives you some insight and helps.
Staci88515,Suzanne, Gillian, Keljo, Tracy, Pamela, Gillian &Laura
Thank you for your honest and candid responses. You have all made valid points and I will take all of them on board. I will truly reflect on your perceptions of me and your advice..
I respect you all.
Brandon
Well now I feel bad for being so mean. I'm actually a very nice person. Well I was pre perimeno that is.
Maybe you need to stop putting pressure on your wife for sex, honestly, I really think it's more normal for people our age to have sex like twice a month, not twice a week. Maybe she's just tired of being pressured all the time if she's not feeling up to it. I truly believe sex drives diminish purposely in our 50s because we aren't supposed to procreate any more. Just with the invention of viagra has that changed things for men. Get the book The Wisdom of Menopause by Christine Northup. Read the whole book, in fact, read it with your wife. Some very eye opening info about marriages and what happens during menopause. Hope you can work things out, especially if you have a family.
I am so very sorry you and your wife are having to go though this for it is truly a time of torture for some women. Her whole body is changing and her mind as well. When she comes out of this on the other side she will most likely seem like another person to you and to herself as well. So I as hard as it sounds just give it to God and wait on him, that is what us women have to do. You can not hurry menopause along.
Try to remember God's timing is perfect. As were going though this if we are smart enough and wise enough we will listen to the Lord and He will teach us many things about who we are, how strong we can be and how to relate to others though the rough times in our lives. So take this time and give it to the Lord and let Him guide you and teach you something about yourself and if you are blessed you will come though this a wiser man then you were before. A man God can use to his glory maybe to help lift others up in times of trouble and hardships like these : ).
Here is a prayer that will help you get though the rough times:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
Hi Brandon, I know exactly where your coming from on this one, I had the same happen to me 3 years ago after near perfect 13 years together. Its not all about the sex, its about the woman we WAS with doing a 180 and turning on us and into someone we dont recognize anymore, I tried my upmost to understand, I read as much as I could, I gave her all that I could give to help her through this stage in life but at the end of the day it was all a waist of time. The way I look at it, we have feeling to, If we was complete ar5eh0les, if we was drinkers, gamblers, players, cheaters, abusers then we deserve all we get, if we was loving faithful and respectful to our woman then we still deserve all we get because we're men !
Hi Brandon. I read your post and the answers the ladies have given you. You seem very receptive to the feedback you've received. I think its a great quality to be able to ask for help. I was active on this board back in 2017-2018 because of debilitating peri and menopausal symptoms. I have since moved past the worst of it but do check in every once in awhile to see whats going on and every so often offer some encouragement for those that have a very hard time and ensure them that it does get better.
I tried to look at your post in a neutral light. Not as a menopausal woman that struggled to survive my transition. I've been married to my husband for 29 years. He's a great guy and we love and like each other. I've been menopausal for 22 months now. I struggled deeply from July of 2017 - January 2018. Then, very slowly got better over the next year or so. I thought for a little bit I was back to my pre menopausal self, but I realize now that I won't ever be that person again. My hormones have changed, so my body and mind have changed. It makes me sad, but its a fact I must accept and move forward and find new footing for myself. Maybe your wife is feeling the same. I think it is tough for men to recognize this because we look the same on the outside but the changes are real and unavoidable on the inside. I am using my husband as my example, but while he has aged and slowed down a little, he is basically the same person he was when i married him, so I understand how it is hard to understand that we change some when our hormones change so much! (the HRT your wife is using will help her but she is still changed because her body doesn't make its own as it use to.) An example is that I worry a lot more now than I use to. I don't like that I do this, but I truly can't help it. I'm sure my husband would prefer I not worry or come to him for reassurance for issues that really shouldn't bother me and never did before menopause. As far as sex, I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but I think its more important to my husband than it is for me. It always has been. I think its a gauge for him to measure my love for him. For me, sex is only a small part of a love measure. Many other things speak louder of his love for me. Just hugging me, a passing kiss and the less obvious things like his patience with me and his kindness in his words and tone of voice. Those are the things I'm betting most women view as a measure of their mates love. I think her rejecting you sexually isn't as profound to her as it is to you. I'm not saying therefore it doesn't matter, but maybe its not such a direct insult to you if you realize its not her rejecting you as a person because many other things come into play for most women when it comes to having sex and many of them are probably how she is feeling physically ( maybe she feels dizzy or hot or achy or bloated or maybe she just feels fat and unattractive at that moment) and mentally ( out of body, anxious, worried, ect) .
You also mention that your wife claims everything is OK and that has you bewildered that she can be happy when you're not. Are you sure she's really happy or is she just trying not to complain? Maybe she's not happy but just OK...... theres a big difference. Just because she is smiling and laughs and seems happy doesn't mean that she isn't fighting something inside or trying to push through and come across as happy and Ok. All of which could be hormones and have nothing to do with you. Since you seem to truly love and like your wife and it would seem she feels the same towards you, I think you should try to muddle through and not take this phase so personally. Now that I am through the worst part of my menopause, I can look back and see how patient and nice my husband was to me and that makes me love and like and respect him even more. Try and hang in there with her if you truly love her and you believe she loves you. She has changed some and you will need to change some too if you want to have a good life with her.
Suzanne,
Don't feel bad mate. You and the others made me pause and truly reflect. You also made me laugh at myself. Give yourself a pat on the back I received your message loud and clear. I will read The Wisdom of Menopause. Regards
Brandon
Ella,
I am a big believer in the power of prayer and the law of attraction . I think I have lost my way a bit. So I will pray and focus.
Would you pray for my wife and I tonight.
You have all given me a lot of "food for thought".
God bless you.
Brandon
Thanks Steve,
I can see all sides of the responses today. I know its an emotive subject and it brings out strong views. But thats what I needed today. So I'm going to focus on both my wife and I and give it everything I've got.
Like you I have read a lot. I joined the menopause group at my work and insisted on getting fans and better A/C for offices because of the women suffering from hot flushes.
I accept its hard for partners but it is harder for women.
Brandon
Sure I will : ). What is your wife's name I will add the both of you to my prayer list and I will pray for you several times a day. I believe in the power of pray and the power of positive words too. It is so important in this dark world we live in today to choose our words that we speak over ourselves and others wisely.
Thank you Audra. I agree with everything you have written. Thank you for taking the time.
I accept I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago or even last year . I will keep and read all of your posts repeatedly especially when I'm feeling crap.
I look forward to better days for us both Brandon