my name is emily and I’m 22 years old, from the UK, hoping someone out there can actually help or advise me, I started sertraline back 11th november 2019, wrongly prescribed by one of the GPs when I said I was having trouble sleeping and nightmares etc, no low mood at this point, I had NO issues eith my mental health but trusted my Dr as I’m only 22 and have had no knowledge of antidepressants or mental health prior to this.
I had a severe bad mental reaction to the above medication after just 3 days which resulted in me becoming suicidal and felt all of the below and still do most of it:
Dissociation
Loosing grip on reality
Numb
Like I am not even in my own body
Like I cant function or move
Like I’m not normal
Feeling like I’m living a nightmare
Trapped in my own head and trapped by what’s happening
Cant be around people but petrified to be alone
No emotion except for being petrified that im going mentald
Cant get out of my own head or thoughts
Cant take my daughter out to nursery or go to work through fear of what’s happening to me
Not myself
Like I look in the mirror and it’s not me
Like I’m just a body not a person
Constant worry that I’m going mental
Was fine before taking sertraline
Extremely scared and upset becuase I just want to feel normal again
Completley unable to concentrate on even moving or thinking or work
Unable to concentrate on surroundings
Complete loss of appetite very unlike me
Cant ever relax without not being able to get out of my head
I feel like I need help to snap out of this
Like I’m in a blur
Like I’m in a bubble of my own thoughts and head that I cant escape from
Detached from life
All this is making me want to end it all like my partner and daughter wont be able to cope with me
Scared something bad will happen involving my mental health
Feel like my life will never be the same and wont be like real life was before this happened to me
Like my daughter and partner would be better off without me whilst this is happening to me
Guilt feelings becuase my partner is having to everything becuase I cant do anything
Scared I’m loosing myself to mental illness
Like I cant live like this
I just want to snap out of this state immediately and just have my life back to normal and I cant and its terrifying me
Guilty becuase I feel my partner will be worried and distressed to see me so not normal
Feel like I cant do anything for my partner / daughter who I love so much becuase of what sertraline has turned me into
Worried I’ll lose everything I love my family and my job
Worried my partner and daughter will get fed up with me like this and wont be able to deal with it
Constantly depressed and extremely upset becuase of what’s happening to me
Constantly exhausted and almost feel physically Ill
Feeling like I cant cope becuase of what’s happening to me
Feeling like sleep is the only way I can escape and that I should just shut myself away from everybody until I’m better
Crying my eyes out becuase I just want to feel normal again immediately and go back to being the great strong working happy mum I used to be before monday 11th November and before its too late.
I was then put straight onto mirtazapine 15mg, along with diazepam as a GP had diagnosed me with anxiety and completley dismissed the sertraline as the cause of the symptoms I was having after taking it, I was fine for 4 weeks then when came off the diazepam and just on the mirtazepine I became extremley anxious and started to become suicidal and having really dark thoughts and was not myself and just felt like a stranger in my own life, felt like my brain was shutting down mental health wise and everything else.
I was then immediately put onto citalopram 10mg, on 18th december 2019, along with quetiapine 25mg for “anxiety” and depression, I was doing well for a couple of weeks then went downhill again and became extremley depressed again, resulting in me being signed off work again.
my dosage was upped to 20mg, and quetiapine 50mg at night to slow my anxious and suicidal thoughts which doesnt do anything at all. I was then after about a week, fine for almost 4 weeks, I became the best version of myself, calmer (I’ve always been quite snappy), i was genuinely happy and i found I got along with everyone better, it took alot to stress me out or worry me, this was the case for around 4 weeks, which is when I went EXTREMLEY downhill again, became extremley suicidal, contemplated taking all my pills whilst my daughter and partner wasnt here I was on my own, or moving out so my partner and 2 year old daughter dont have to deal with me anymore, as a constantly crying suicidal mess, not functioning, not sleeping, not washing, not talking, not eating etc.
it got so bad that we ended up getting our local mental health team intensive service involved becuase I so badly wanted help to not feel that way anymore as it scares me so much, as I have everything in life and absolute no reason to have depression or anxiety, i was signed off from work for another month (2.5 months in total so far), and had mental health team visiting me daily.
I saw a phsyciatrist and he upped my dosage of citalopram to 30mg, he said the reason I dipped straight back down was just down to my dosage not being high enough, I trusted this as seemed like a logical explanation and he has been a phsyciatrist for 37 years.
I was then told to take diazepam to calm down my distress over the suicidal thoughts, and help me cope until the new dosage kicked in which the phsyciatrist said to expect small improvements after a week.
I also started propranalol for the physical symptoms of anxiety, after starting the propranalol I was FINE, I was my complete normal self despite still having the mental anxiety, which I believed to be down to the dosage being upped and the propranalol, which I was taking 40mg 3x a day.
I again had 4 very good weeks where I finally thought I was better, I was mega excited to go back to work, I was happy again, I finally truly believed that it was all behind me, I expected to have a bad day here and there but I didnt care as I finally felt better.
then last Sunday I started to get the burning sensation in my chest again, almost exactly 5 weeks after my dosage was upped and 3 - 4 weeks after I had started to feel better, I didnt panic too much, as I thought that it may just be abit of a blip and tried my hardest to convince myself that this didnt mean I was going to become really unwell again.
so i went back to work tuesday as planned despite me feeling and noticing I was spiralling again, and tried my hardest to just get on with it, this didnt work and now I have came massively crashing down again, I have called MH team and GP who both said take 1 extra propranalol and diazepam twice a day for couple of days, which I’ve done this week and I’m no better and back to square one of being suicidal and basically non functioning again and scared, lost and alone, fearing I’m going to have to quit my job, feeling disconnected from the world around me, not myself again, trapped in my own head and frustrated, extremley upset, feeling like I’ve let down my employer and my partner and little girl as although I cant help it and am trying my hardest, they simply do not deserve to have to deal with my mental health declining like this every 4 weeks, it’s like I get a glimpse of my life back then snatched back away and to say I’m heartbroken is an understatement, I’m not eating, not sleeping and barley functioning again, and unable to concentrate which means I’ll have to be signed off again and I’m actually contemplating having to quit my job that I loved so so much.
I guess what I’m asking is what the hell do I do now? do I stay with citalopram 30mg, do I change completley to another medication? I’m so lost and alone and my partner is getting frustrated aswell I just dont know what to do as I cant go on much longer with this I feel so detached from everyone and everything am crying multiple times a day becuase I cant live like this it’s like my personality is gone when am like this I’m like an empty shell, not taking care of myself properly, not eating, not sleeping, waking up feeling horrible and dreading another day, cant show love or affection to my partner or daughter, can hardly talk to them that much, all I want is my life back, as currently my life is disappearing before my eyes, I’ll end up having to quit my job, I’ve even debated leaving my daughter and partner and moving out so they dont have to go through this with me, is there anyone out there who has had a similar reaction to sertraline who came out the other side?
