Scared I have done something horrible and just can't remember it

Mental health
1

TW: child on child sexual abuse, suicide

It all started about 4 months ago when I read about Lena Dunham molesting her sister when they were both children. I remembered playing doctor with a friend when I was  maybe 5 or 6 and she was a year older. I couldn't remember any details which made me even more anxious. I became SO SCARED that I had ruined her life and that I was a terrible monster. About the last month I haven't felt so guilty but more just sad and really bad about it. Last night I wrote a suicide letter and thought I was going to overdose. That's when I finally got the courage to message the person and tell her how anxious the childhood memory has been making me and asking if she remembers something. She didn't remember much since it's been so long, but she was sorry that it has been causing me anxiety. Everything was ok. I felt relieved for like 20 minutes and then I became terrified that what if there's something that I have done that I don't remember. What if I molested another child as a child and  just don't remember it?? I have no idea when, who or how that could have happened. I have no memory of something like that but I'm just so scared. I don't feel like I deserve happiness and I'm angry at myself that I let an irrational fear ruin my life. 

2

Hi ilona31515

We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

Kindest regards

Patient

3

Sorry you are struggling with this.

"What if" thinking is not based on any actual fact. You don't know for sure if anything happened.  What you are doing is torturing your mind  with negative thoughts and overthinking.. 

 notice how you over worried about that last person who said she didn't remember much since it's been so long. And she was sorry if It caused you so much anxiety.   Whatever it was, it did not have a terrible affected on her life. 

 it's nice that you are such a caring person, but it's time to MoveOn  and care of yourself.  Sometimes we think we've hurt someone but the actual facts may be the complete opposite.   There's no point in us messing up your life because of the "what if" thinking .   I spent 20 years with what if thinking for other reasons ,  and I can never get even one of those days back. Unless I have actual facts  from now on, I don't engage in that kind of thinking because it's a waste of time. 

 if you are really struggling with this, I suggest speaking with a counselor who can help you sort this out.   Anxiety can cause us to overthink. 

 there are some great meditations on YouTube for overthinking and negative thinking. I think they could really help you.

To start,Just search for a great one called Guided Meditation for Detachment from Overthinking. Lay down,  use headphones or earbuds for the best effect.

 there are many many other excellent meditations on YouTube for things like confidence, anxiety, self-love, whatever you would like to hear. I do these a couple times a day. 

 everyone of us makes mistakes in life but that doesn't mean the rest of our life should be miserable. You  expressed how badly you felt with that person and apologized,   That is all you can and needed to do. 

now it's time to forgive yourself! 

Yes, you do deserve a wonderful life.

.  Be good to yourself. You are a good person. 🌸🌸🌸

4

Hey Ilona

We all have played doctor I don't know your circumstances though. But we all have done it both participants were willing. I can't remember some things either but it's not about that but other things and I keep getting this image in my head that kills me. I don't understand what it means it drives me insane just to think it really means something. I wouldn't handle it. If she didn't say anything that means nothing bad happened back then.. I think..Don't beat yourself up for it sometimes it s*cks not being able to remember or our mind changing the way we remember things. It's scary. Have you tried hypnosis to put your mind at ease? Just be cautious if you do it. They can implant false memories. If you can't remember how would you know if you did something? You don't know. She didn't tell you anything either. It must be nothing then.

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She told me that nothing bad happened so it was indeed just a normal doctor game, but almost immediately that I stopped worrying if I had hurt her I started worrying if I have hurt somebody else and don't remember it. I might have worder it unclearly. Thanks for your anwsers ❤

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Oh okay👍You didn't do nothing so you didn't hurt anyone else either. It's your Anxiety making you worry. Take Care💖