Seeking help/advice, please.

Mental health
1

Hi all, really looking for some advice and support. Last September I went off my work with anxiety and depression, for a period of 6 months. I believe the true source of it was that my feelings for my girlfriend had began to change, away from romantic notions back to friendships, the way we had started out.

​we first got to know each other as friends after my mum passed away in 2013, though we did not progress to a couple until July 2014. Things were great, but then I started to feel my feelings for her had changed, and I have hated myself for that since, as she invested so much love and time and effort in me, especially when I was off work with depression. However, and this is hard to write, I feel that my depression deepened as she tried harder to help me, I didn't want to admit to myself that my feelings had changed for her as I was too scared to break her heart. I wanted it to be so thing else causing my distress.

Anyway, eventually I could not take the pressure any more and broke things off, which has broken her heart. She now wants us to try counselling together to try and resurrect things. To complicate things, we work in the same place, and this is what is really hurting me - she says that she can't just be friends with me, if we don't end up back together, she will leave work. I feel unbelievable guilt about this, and just can't seem to cope.

id appreciate any thoughts on how to hop this situation, especially if anyone here has been in a similar positionn.

Thanks.

2

Hi..you are not responsible for ANYONES choices.

And honestly, what she is doing...you may not realize and she may not realize is a form of manipulation to get what she wants.  She must feel like she is in desperation to get you back.

As you know you can not manipulate someone into having feelings for you.

You have done the correct moral thing by letting her go...since you know this is not the person for you.  

It makes total sense that you got MORE depressed the more she helped you when you weren't "feeling" it.

I learned a long time ago that it is very bad to date someone from work.

SOO stressful to see someone everyday after you break up.

You have to be firm with her....even thou you are afraid of hurting her feelings she has to get the message that there is not hope for your relationship.

You should not feel guilty...the only time we should feel guilty is when we do something WRONG.

You did nothing wrong...you were honest with her (eventually) and told her your true feelings.  

This is what I would do....set up a meeting with her...and explain (without saying your SORRY)...you don't owe her an apology...you were honest with her.

Explain to her that everyone comes into our lives for a REASON, SEASON or a LIFETIME and that you JUST KNOW she is not your lifetime.  You can say that you are SORRY SHE does not view the situation the same that you do...but that you don't want to hurt her feelings any further and for that reason you are not willing to proceed forward with counseling.

Don't offer to be friends!  If you END UP being friends...GREAT....but don't offer any MORE of yourself.  

Tell her how wonderful your realtionship WAS....tell her whatever lessons you took from the relationship....tell her she did nothing wrong...but that you only lost feelings for the relationship and that you carried it on not to hurt HER until you realized that you were hurting her by carrying it on....

Tell her she deserves someone who will truly love her and that you are not that person.

3

Hi Jason,

Sounds complicated. Sorry you're struggling.

I have depression myself (have done on and off since my teens) so 1. I sympathise and 2. I hope my answer will make sense, as this illness affects my thinking/concentration/articulation.

Did you tell her honestly why you broke things off? And that you cannot force yourself to feel certain way. No amount of counseling will change it if it's how you truly feel, it will just draw it out and perhaps hurt her more. If you already told her, then she is in the denial stage of getting over your relationship together.

Depression is a cruel illness though. Are you sure it wasn't the reason you grew apart? People lose interest in the things they once liked and grow isolated/distance themselves from the people they love (for all sorts of reasons including low self esteem, low self worth and feelings of guilt).

If you truly believe there's no way back to a romantic relationship, be honest with her and true to yourself. Yes, she may leave, but that is her choice. You will feel guilty, you care about her, so that's natural, but it will get better with time.

Be strong x

4

Hi Misssy, thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to send me these kind words. I still cant't stop help feeling awful, guilty, really down by all of this ,especially her assertions again that she will leave work as she would not be able to handle being about me. That is the sort of thing that really grinds on me emotionally, I have NEVER set out to hurt her or anything like it, I tried to look for something else to be the cause of my depression (ie. not my changing feelings towards her) and perhaps I should have confided in her sooner the reason, but surely she can understand why I tried to protect her from it?

5

Hi SLD, many thanks for taking the time to write back to me, it is appreciated. I really am grateful for your insight, and it all makes sense, Your last paragraph sums it up perfectly - these things take time, but as you will know all too well, sadly, when you are in the midst of depression, you think that things will never get better and will always be bleak - right now, that is how I feel, and even in recent times when I have felt a bit better and promised myself I would remember 'how' the good times feel, it is hard to recall.

6

Nope...she is NOT going to understand anything at this point.

No one likes rejection...even if we know a situation is not good or right for us.  

All you can tell her if you talk to her is that you think it would be really sad if she left her job because of this....and that you understand if that is what she has to do....because she can't handle being around you.

Again Jason...she is desperate right now...and these feelings will pass for her if they are not "fed".  

She is saying she has to leave work to pull on your heart strings and it is working...of course it is...you seem like a caring person...and this is a very difficult situation.

But, picture this....you try to try for HER....and it just gets worse...how much more time do you want to waste being someone you are not...and actually succumbing to counseling or anything else is feeding her a lie...which is worse than breaking up with her...and eventually she is going to be HURT anyway.

Its a lose, lose for you.....so again, if you talk to her...you have to be honest and tell her you are sorry if she choses to leave...you don't want to see her do that...but that you can not have a future with her because your mind and your heart are made up and you have to follow your gut on this one....

 

7

You're so right, it's hard to see it now. When I'm in my truly bad times, I take things an hour at a time. Then when things get better, a day at a time and so on. Give yourself a break! I wish you well x

8

Hi Misssy, thank you, very powerful and sincere words again, when you wrote "lose, lose", I totally get what you mean - I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. I find myself questioning things all the time, like 'what is the point of relationships if they bring this pain?' and 'do we really become stronger after all of this?'. I think, alas, kniow, that I ruminate too much about things. I wish I could just be a cold hearted, uncaring person, maybe that would make me care less and not beat myself up as much. Of course, I don't really want to be like that, but I am sure you know what I mean.

9

Thanks SLD, sometimes the time just fritters away and often I look forward to night time when I go to bed, rest, sleep, and my brain will temporarily be free from all of this.

10

I absolutely know how that feels 😥

11

I would not say that I was "glad" to hear that, but, it is comforting to know I am not alone, not unique. I hope at this time, you are doing well.

12

I think,  if she wasn't working there...this would already be over...and you wouldn't still be ruminating about it.

Something important...IF she leaves...you can not blame yourself.

WE are never responsible for the actions of others...NEVER.

Yea, you may feel like you were part or all of her decision...but it is HER decision.  

Lesson learned: never date anyone at work.

Also just in case...never SELL anything (especially a car) to someone you work with.  

LOL.

In all seriousness...when you go to work...focus on your job at hand...if she keeps pressuring you....keep responding with your TRUTH....that you are so sorry this didn't work out...but it didn't work out and that you have to move on.

AND....keep all conversations to a minimum...she is not feeling well right now and can interpret anything you do or say as hope.

 

13

Thank you Misssy, all very true, I know precisely whereabouts you are coming from. I would have hoped after all the time apart (we didn't speak at all from April until 1st July) she might have dealt better with things and realised things weren't working. But, this is the way things are now, and all her talk about work and "being alone" has not helped me at all when I felt I was starting to merge from the depressive pit I was in.

14

keep thinking...in 1 year this will be past you.

Start "faking it", until you make it.

Even thou your heart breaks for her...fake it doesn't....

Try to be sensitive to her without being too sensitive

Actually, try to avoid her as much as possible.

You always hear...you only life once....what is the likely hood that you will die within the next week?  Probably not very high....but it is possible.

What about other people in your life?  Your family?  Do they deserve some of this space in your head vs. the things you are ruminating?

Do you exercise? Getting out of depression is hard...but exercise helps...maybe even a brisk walk at lunch time.

Put yourself on a dating site..just for fun.....then you will be occupied viewing and talking to other women...I dunno...lol

I just know you and her are not an item...not going to be...and wallowing in depression over it...is punishing yourself....your punishing yourself for being a good guy and telling her before she got pregnant or some other thing...that would be life lasting hurt and pain.

15

Thank you Misssy, I am just so so scared by all this.

16

I really appreciated your words yesterday Misssy, I just wish it would all go away, not eating now and that never helps things.