Talking about depression, first steps to opening up

Mental health
1

I think I am depressed. I don't know if I am or whether it is some form of anxiety. I feel so daft and silly talking to anyone about it. But lately I just feel so emotionally drained it's getting hard to hide from or put to the back of my mind.

I have a great boyfriend, daughter and supportive family. I have no reason to feel the way I do. When I was younger I tried to commit suicide by taking multiple paracetamol tablets but survived. I look back on that and know it was silly but kind of hoped it had been successful at the time. 

My moods are up and down constantly. I feel like I've gone crazy. I can be in tears and not want to be here at all one minute and then act normal a few moments later. 

I have many commitments and they are weighing me down. I've took too much on with work and studying towards a degree and studying towards a work qualification at the same time. I just can't focus on it all. There's not enough time in one day to do it all alongside work, look after my daughter and see my partner at the weekends as we have a long distance relationship.

When I'm driving I've had thoughts of just ending it. Just not wanting to be here. I moved back into my parents with the intentions of saving for a deposit on a house. Then I met my partner and things have changed slightly as the cost of us seeing each other is increasingly growing. 

But even typing this I feel so stupid as if I need to say to myself, how the hell can you say these things; you've not got it bad, at least you have a roof over your head.

I would love to not just be here but then think of my daughter and who would look after her. I am all she has. Her father up and left, and I do feel swarmed with an overpowering sense of responsibility when it comes to her. She's a good kid so I don't know why...

I don't want to talk to my partner about this as a family member of his passed away having committed suicide, but feel so guilty not saying anything as I tell him everything. He is my best friend but feel he deserves so much better. I think he knows I'm not myself at the moment.

There's been a lot going on recently and I feel it's taking a toll. I can't stop crying uncontrollably, and it's making me think suicidal. It's like I'm in a constant battle arguing with my brain. My head hurts so much. I'm completely scattered and constantly tired. 

I just want to be able to snap out of this frame of mind. I know I have what it takes to succeed with my degree course as I'm such a creative person. I want a future and family with my partner and daughter. I just want to feel happy. I have no reason to not be happy. There's so much to look forward to so why am I not happy? It's as if I've given up already, no motivation. I'm just living day by day. Like an empty shell. 

2

Hi jo46006,

We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

Kindest regards

Patient

3

Jo

There is an old saying

If you are up to your waist in Alligators it is impossible to drain the swamp.

If you have to much on I find it difficult to do something well so you need to delegate or cut down on some of the activities that are causing overwork or distress.

I found when I was at College, many of my other activities became restricted and I needed to made some decisions. You are going for a degree, and taking examinations at work, you have also a daughter to look after and your Partner has left you and has walked away from His responsibilities. You are also suffering a relationship over a long distance.

When we multitask the problem is if we have five or more concerns the brain becomes clogged and none of our activities actually benefit and we can make a mess of all.

You can try Mindfulness a relaxation technique, you can use this to help you put your life into perspective.

Your Suicide attempt in the past, is concerning although I do understand  that a new attempt would be rare because of your daughter and you rightly understand the situation you may leave her in

If you have

any intent, contact, NHS information Line on Tel 111. I would also advise you make an appointment with your GP, a double appointment may be advisable. Make a list of your concerns, that will help you get more out of your appointment. The main problem here is medication especially when studying, you will need to discuss that with your GP

BOB

4

Aw bless you, I feel sad for the state you're in, not in patronising! Go see your doctor - you sound like you have a lot to deal with and lack of support is making it worse. Ask for help that's a big step, you've asked here now ask your doctor. I am not very good somedays either so I asked for help. Mine is more to do with physical health and ptsd. Good luck. Just look after yourself, your doctor needs someone constant to rely on in her life, you're it.

5

Daughter not doctor needing someone constant to rely on please excuse my thick phone!

6

Hi Jo. So sorry that you are suffering so much but have to tell you that I could never handle as much at one time as you are. Have you given any thought to letting go of some of your load for now and the reward being that you would feel better immediately! 

It seems that making a priority list might be in order and of course at the top of the list would be your daughter then your job. Then go from there. As suggested I think in order to accomplish this you might need some therapy. Would you consider that? It could take some time but they could help with priorities and such. As it is you have not factored in any time to yourself no wonder you are depressed and even anxious. 

Please do keep us posted as on this site we care very much about each other. Diane

7

Hi jo - depression is not something you can just "snap out of." You need help. See your doc. Describe what is happening. Meds may be prescribed. If there are underlying issues, ask for a referral to a psychologist/counsellor or therapist. Don't suffer alone and needlessly. You don't have to. You will feel more positive and in control when you have taken steps to deal with the issue. Act now.