I thought I was trundelling along reasonably ok but all it took was 2 posts which I thought were not very nice and suddenly within a nano second I was plunged down into the bottom of this pit where rational thought and logic didn't exist. I got it into my head that I was garbage and had to stop myself from going out into my garden and sitting on the garden rubbish pile.
This has happened to me (though fortunately not always so extreme) throughout my life and I cannot understand why or how to deal with it. It's like suddenly being paralysed in thought and motion and these are the times in my life when I totally overreact or do something stupid like taking an overdose. The danger time is when I start coming out of it.
It always takes me a few days to recover and I am still shaking like a leaf this morning. I don't understand what this is or why it happens so quickly but it is very scary.
I am sorry to be so heavy but does anyone understand what I am talking about please or why this happens. I am on 150 mg sertraline a day.
I think either it is stress or I am too detached from my emotions to see it coming. But what do I do and how can i stop them happening.
I would appreciate peoples thoughts on this please.
Morning, i too have episodes like u, i hit the bottle & bolt!! Trying to work through things, what triggers it, how to stop it, how to notice signs & most importantly doing something when i do notice the signs, not looking at this as a negative. Try to accept noticing as a positive. Prob not making sense right now.
My last episode was sat after a fab night out, farrrr too much alcohol and i came round at the train station after ringing everyone i could think of to stop me. This is furthest i ever got n god knows where id have ended up. Today i just wanna stay indoors, too ashamed to go to work (although no one at work knows what i did)
Ill say its stress related, I had a very stressful few weeks n believe i am a failure, bad parent, rubbish wife etc even though everyone tells me im wrong. Being told how much im liked and respected only seems to make the worthless thoughts right.
Im starting a diary, keeping a record of ups n downs etc, how i 'feel' also looking at joining a gym with my son who seems to be craving my attention, (so his counsellor says) another kick in the teeth there that tells me im right i am a bad parent!!
Hello Bev, i don't know why you feel this way as we are all different, but feeling like garbage is your low self esteem, and i guess when you feel critized as you felt recently on replying to posts it makes you feel unworthy. I feel like garbage sometimes, and i know it is because i was critized as a young girl by my father, i never felt good enough and could never please him. I was abused too and because of that i have felt unworthy all my life. ( if i was loveable then why was i abused ) I get stuck in this negative cycle of thinking. I guess you have difficulties from your past in someway. Please try not to think of yourself has garbage. You help so many people here and have compassion for others. Try swapping each negative thought with a positive one. You are a valuable human being and worthy of love.
I am on Mirtazapine so sorry cannot help you where your emotions are concerned , i do know that we can go up and down without warning and it is scary , hopefully there will be someone better then me who can help you on here but i will say that if you haven't contacted Mind Mental Health Charity as they have been there when i have been at my lowest ( attempted overdosing - which i was totally useless at and just made me very sick !! hence CMHT involvement ) but both Mind and Samaritans have been there for me these past few weeks via their texting service , might be worth seeing if you have a local Mind , i haven't here but they do have centres - you could try Mind Infoline on the internet , Take Care please xxx
Thanks Lynne. I am sure you are not a bad parent just as I'm sure I am not really garbage. This is our minds tricking us again isn't it? You are dead right about the help those who care about us try and give. I need people to tell me I am worthless so I can feel a normal emotion like anger.
These episodes when they are this severe (fortunately uncommon these days) leave me almost paralysed and shaking like a leaf. It takes me days to recover from properly and I am still very shaky today. Trouble is I am often quite detatched from my feelings so I can't see them coming on. That is a very good idea to keep a diary and I am going to try that and see if it helps.
Thanks again for your reply Lynne - you do get it. It helps to have understanding and know that I'm not alone with this. Bev x
Thank you very much Elizabeth. I often feel like garbage but not usually as intensively as this. It's like one moment I'm fine - then the next I am sliding down a huge hole with terrifying speed and I end up shaking almost paralysed at the bottom. I too was criticised and yelled at far too much as a child, but unlike you was never abused - well not physically thank goodness. I don't know how you cope with that.
I do work on my negativity a lot but this is so extreme I just cannot find a handle on it. It takes me days to recover properly and I am still very shaky today.
It's great to hear you say that I help folk on here - I do try my best. I have seen you about quite a lot as well and you always come across as a lovely person who is caring and supportive. Your words mean a lot so thanks again.
Thanks Maria. It's not the sertraline which causes them - they just help me to feel more numb which is what I want.
I have looked into Mind and other ones and there are no centres here. The nearest ones are around 90 minutes bus ride away so are out of reach. I appreciate your reply though and hope you are well.
Morning Bev, Just wondering how you are today, i seemed to recover very quickly from my episode this time, or so i thought but a simple thing of coming in from work on wed to see my hubby sitting in the dark watching footy, my son not been given his sleeping meds so still awake, (i am on 3/11 this week) sent me tumbling, i just went to bed, then yesterday he hadnt replied to my messages n hadnt left me enough space to park my car, again i took a glass of wine to bed, but he joined me, (he always falls asleep downstairs) n he turned my elec blanket off!! whoosh that was it, downed a bottle of wine n argued til early hrs, but i was ready to bolt again!!! Its strange these moods disapeared along with my periods but now im on hrt that give u a bleed back the episodes have returned!! im tempted to stop taking them n see, but they have improved my socialising skills and mood swings
Hy lynne I am back to normal thanks. Well that is normal for me. I went to my doctors about something else and she said 'What's up I have seen you like this before' Before I knew it I was telling her all about it. She was fantastic and understood completely and she said I need a bit of counselling to get back to my centre instead of veering too much off to one side. She is a diamond.
Nothing wrong in bolting Lynne. I have done my fair share over the years