If you're going through it right now...please read this, because other people's posts had truly saved me when I was going through it.
I remember two years ago, when I had my first panic attack. At the time, I did not know it was that. I thought I was having heart failure. It was the late morning, and I had been drinking outside in the sun the entire day previous and had quit my job. I woke up feeling hungover, as usual, but then it got worse, and then I started feeling very "strange". Something then triggered my heart to react a certain way, and I thought I was dying. I still remember the overwhelming sensation of doom that came over me. In hindsight, it's nice to know that doom is not a symptom of heart failure. I rushed to the ER, shaking uncontrollably, begging the ER nurses not to let me die. All in all, this sounds like your typical panic attack experience....which it sounds like it was. What came after is what was truly traumatizing to me.
I bounced right back from that initial attack, laughing about it and drinking it off a couple weeks or even days later. Slowly after the next few weeks though, I noticed my mind was starting to change. I would wake up some mornings with this overwhelming rush and discomfort, which I can now call anxiety. It only got worse. Simultaneously I become what I now know to be called a severe hypochondriac and agoraphobic person. I began to think that I was constantly dying, that my body was "shutting down". I went to the ER 7-8 times over a few months, only being able to tell them that "I feel like my body is shutting down". They knew nothing was wrong with me, but I didn't. I would sit in the ER for hours sometimes, boiling with so much anxiety, that I thought for sure at any minute that I might in fact die. I was sent home every time with nothing to report. I kept going to the ER. It was a trigger for me. It was me not coping with any of the issues I had...but I had not known that at the time. I had every test done. Multiple bloodworks, MRIs, lung tests, tons of x rays.
For other people who have these issues, they can relate to me saying that unless you've gone through it, it is impossible to imagine what this feels like. Your brain will not rationalize to your body what is going on, even if you are in absolutely no danger of dying.
This snowballed to me thinking that I had every type of cancer and every type of brain tumour, that toxic mold was in the walls, and the list goes on and on....I would get up off the couch and have the strangest slow and aggressive heart beat. I would check my pulse 100-200 times. Sometimes spending hours just sitting there with my finger on my wrist...counting to make sure it was somewhat normal.
I began not being able to leave the house. If I was in a store, I would start to feel faint, dizzy, disoriented and on the verge of a panic. The "doom reaper" would come out of nowhere and I would quickly rush home, in a panic, holding my wrist to check my pulse the entire ride home. I had the CONSTANT fear that I was about to die due to my heart stopping or something going array in my body. For 6-8 months I was afraid of everything. Even bread. I wouldn't touch a coffee because of the fear that I would have a full blown panic attack. I fell into the classic conundrum of the panic of having a panic attack. I wouldn't even take a b-vitamin, because I thought it might kill me. Going anywhere outside of my apartment was not even an option. A walk to the store 300 metres away, would nearly bring on a panic attack and fear of dying.
I had a prescription of Ativan that I would carry everywhere with me. Even to the store, 300 metres away. It never left my side. The terrible irony is that I was terrified to take my anti-panic attack Ativan's, when I was about to have a panic attack. I thought they also might kill me. Over the course of those 8 months, I think I took maybe 1.5 pills. That goes to show you that I was so terrified, I wouldn't even take the pill that could give me some temporary calm.
I became emaciated. My diet was only safe foods and chamomile tea. I thought that if I didn't have chamomile with me at all times, that I might have a panic attack too.
I hit a new low when I opted out of Christmas with my family because I was too afraid to go anywhere. Some days I would order food delivery, quickly grab it and lay back down on the floor on a yoga mat and eat it. I spent many days and nights just lying on a yoga mat on the floor. It become a crippling routine. I had a "yoga for anxiety and panic attack" video that I would just listen to over and over. It was a woman just talking calmly to me while lying down. It was my only saviour sometimes. I would loop it in headphones until I eventually passed out.
The other irony of this is that some days I would feel actually "okay". I would eat normally, go do some work somewhere, and feel fine when I was there. All the while , the next day could be the polar opposite. On the bad days, it felt as if my brain had been poisoned. I felt disillusioned with reality, in a fog, and in this constant state of doom and dread. It was so intense, that you have to experience it to truly understand. I hope no one ever has too though. I'd rather break an arm or leg than have to go through that again. At
least breaking a bone is something you can rationalize.
Anyways, after a very long time of my life being reduced to a sad sad joyless routine, I finally went to see a psychologist. I did 3 CBT sessions with him. His first suggestion for me was to go running. I said f**k that, I think I'm having heart failure all the time. He was almost laughing, which again in hindsight, I thank him for. I decided to listen to him...what's the worst that's going to happen. If my heart stops on my first stride, then so be it. I started running. I made it maybe 100 metres and then would stop, checking my pulse and feeling my heart. Slowly, each day, I managed to run further and further. Before I knew it, I was running a km, and then 2 kms. I was less worried about having heart failure. My mind seemed to regain some normalcy. After a few weeks, I felt "normal" again. Then a few months later, I felt I had my life back. I now make it a habit to run everyday. Even if its for 3 minutes, it still helps. It's less about the exercise and more about taking back control of my brain and eliminating these fears. I'm able to fly again, go everywhere without Ativan in my pocket, eat whatever, push my body, drink (decaf) coffee, sleep well, and drink alcohol.
I did however underestimate the power of this b*****d called anxiety, because it does manage to find a way to creep back on me time and time again. There are still days where I feel off the wall. It's usually after a night of drinking, as my body doesn't handle withdrawals as well as it used to.
I'm not saying that for everyone the answer is running, but for me, it saved me. I was at rock bottom. Posts like this also played a tremendous role. When I was on the verge of a panic "body shutting down" attack, I would read threads like this, and takes people words of encouragement that it couldn't do me any harm. I can stand behind that. I NEVER once passed out, had heart failure, vomited, stopped breathing, or had any severe symptom, although each time it felt like death. This s**t takes time to chemically correct in your brain.
I took it upon myself to focus on diet, and how the gut + brain interact. This is crucial to fixing the imbalances. Go on a plant based vegan diet. You'll notice within days how much better your anxiety is. Scrap the anti-anxiety meds, unless you're in dire straits, because those aren't fixing the root problem. Nature has all of the answers for this rewiring of our brain that so many of us have become victims too.
You've probably heard it before, but it's entirely true. No matter how s****y and unbearable the anxiety or panic feels in the moment, just remind yourself constantly that it will indeed pass. It always does.
Ryan