Hi, everyone. Seven years ago, I had a tumor removed from my spinal cord, and now I’ve got this crazy electrical pain on my left side from hip to toes. The only relief is warm water, a space heater, or human touch.
The doctor prescribed all kinds of stuff in the beginning, but I didn’t like any of it. Just as I was about to give up, she put me on Tramadol, and I really, really liked it. It doesn’t take away the pain, but damn I feel good. I want to move around and talk to people. It’s great!
My trouble (other than the usual negatives) is that she allowed 300 mg per day but soon left the practice. The new doctor only allows 200, and I constantly struggle to stay on track. I usually go through the bulk of my allowance in the first two and a half weeks, and then have to make due until the end of the month. There’s a lot of shame and frustration that come with that, but they’re easily forgotten with a refill.
Well, this month I took even more than usual and had to keep reducing my allowance to get through. At first, I had 100 mg per day. Then I used a pill cutter to make it 75, then 50, then 25, and for the past seven days, I’ve survived on somewhere around 12.
That brings me to my point in writing. I’m so close. I’m right at the door, but I’m also counting the hours until my refill. I keep saying, “This’d be the perfect time to quit. I should do it now. Also, it’s only 47 more hours.”
Part of it is the cravings. I finished the usual sleepless nights and mindless days with diarrhea, sneezing, runny nose, yawning, and headaches, but it’s still, “Just half a pill. That’s all I need.” Also, I’m really angry today. My hands need to wrap around someone’s throat, and I need to throw my phone through a window or TV screen.
So, here I am. With every intention to never do it again, but only 46 hours and 58 minutes to go. I know there’s nothing anyone can do to help, but writing is therapeutic, and I needed to get it off my chest. If anyone reads this far, thank you.
