Almost 3 months ago I had quite a traumatic life event (my husband admitted one-night stand with his co-worker after lots and lots of alcohol) and it devastated me…He is totally regretful, tries to regain my trust, he’s loving, he’s transparent and he doesn’t give me the reason to be suspicious. For him it was a mistake, driven by alcohol and some hard stuff we had in life back then (stress at job and dying brother)…For me it is not that easy…I know I need time to process this because it broke everything I thought about our bond and it highly affected my self-esteem. So for almost 6 weeks (tomorrow) I am taking citalopram 20mg but I am still sooooo unhappy! I do counselling, I run (although not often as I already lost 4kg due to the stress) and try to live normally. I go to work, meet friends (although not very willingly), I take care of children, I take care of myself, family and house… But I lost my joy, my sense of humour, my smile, my inner warmth…
I walk but I feel so saad and so…closed(?)inside. Relationships with other people used to give me a lot of satisfaction, I was very open, I have many friends, I liked to invite people to our house, do things together, take friends’ children for play…Now I isolate myself, soaked in grief…
Will citalopram help me at least start to feel my old me quite soon? I know I have to come to terms with my marriage issues and "mourn"what I lost. But I am in this terrible state when smiling is hard. At work of course I pretend to be “old me”, but I am not… Will the drug work for me or it is only for clinical depression, not the reactive one?
What is “funny” though is that having trouble to make presentations publicly in the past (I was doing that but I was stressed) - now I can do that without ANY feeling…Today and yesterday I was presenting and no stress. It may feel a good side but doesn’t citalopram cut me off from all the feelings? I don’t want to be a zombie. I want to taste life again, I was so positive, so happy…
it took my feelings away but its different for everyone x
so did you stop taking citalopram?
your traumatic event is still affecting you somewhat you may think other wise .but if it where me i would stick with the celexa is still very early for you.these meds take many months to work.best regards
Have you tried seeing a therapist? That may be very helpful also. Sounds like you may have more of an acute depression.
im withdrawing and getting my emotions back x
I’ve been through something pretty similar myself and do believe you can forgive but never forget. it took me a lot longer to get over it but everyone is different. even though I struggled for a long time once the trust starts to come back it gets a lot easier. by no means am I saying what happened was right and it’s obviously devastating for you. but it sounds like he is trying to put it right and regrets his mistake. he obviously still loves you if hes trying to be transparent,loving and trying to regain your trust, it’s a lot easier for people to walk away when they make a mistake but hes trying to fix it. like I said I’m not condoning it at all but hopefully his extra effort will bring you both closer maybe.
the citalopram probably will help for reactive depression. it should just make everything less raw and help you process it better.
you will feel better it just takes time x
a very similar situation happen to me. I sat down and thought hard and long, I came to the conclusion that 1 human mistake was not worth throwing away what had taken me\us years to build together, after all at the end of the day yes it was a betrayal but also it was only sex. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Do you want to grow old with them and share much more then a drunken one night stand can give? If the answer is yes you have to let go of all the resentment you feel and work on your relationship with them, the feelings that you have now will pass, you will enjoy life again, surround yourself with family and friends, they are not the enemy. With regards to medication, no amount of drugs will make this instantly better and the side effects that come with citalopram will not help you focus and think clearly, you have situational mental health problems not clinical, the medication will only mask not cure. Obviously it is up to you which way you go and who knows in weeks to come you may find that it has helped, what ever you decide to do I wish you well and assure you as bleak as it all seems now there are happier times ahead
yes, I am seeing a therapist. Next meeting is tomorrow
Yes, my husband is really regretful, he supports me now with healing, he tries to make it work. What bothers me now more is my state - my self-worth, my feelings…
thank you Sue:) Yes, I do love him and I know it was one time. How he is caring for me now, how transparent he is, how he supports me - shows that he regrets. He says he doesn’t want anybody else, he never planned that thing, he never looked for anything like that…I know he loves me and strangely enough I trust him because all he does shows that he doesn’t do anything behind my back. And if he had? Well..I don’t control him and he does what he wants but then we would be over…He knows that as well.
I started citalopram as I fell into derealisation at the beginning - the shock was so big. We were really close with my husband, he was my best friend, my supporter in EVERYTHING, always in love with me - so I just couldn’t believe. I shared everything with him. Now I don’t know if starting meds was the best decision as I don’t know if my feelings weren’t cut off. I cried yesterday nonetheless so you’d assume that no, but I don’t feel myself..Like somebody put some bucket on my head and I am trying to lose it and see normally again, but I can’t.
But I went to hell and back with side effects so I will stick to citalopram still for a while and see how it goes..
And how long this processing last? I don’t want to be trapped in this state for months..
Sue, how long did you suffer after such an event?
I felt exactly the same, as if the world was happening around me but I was trapped in my own little bubble of sadness and disbelief almost as if it was happening to someone else but I was living through it, if that makes any sense. I can’t remember exactly how long I felt like that as it was 10 years ago now,I think somewhere in the time scale of about 6 weeks but I did not seek any medical help or take any medication. I have forgiven moved on and we are as strong as ever in our relationship but it will never be forgotten on either side but I look at it as just a blip, that believe it or not is all so common.
hi there, im sorry your in a bad place, all i can say is be kind to yourself, the good times will defo come round again, give it time, it wont happen overnight but it will happen, be yourself, off load on your thearapist, have a good mental clearout…talking has helped me soooo much. take care
sorry it took so long to reply x
atleast you know hes trying and making sure you know how he regrets it so I think now it’s time to concentrate on you and how you feel.
try not to worry it will happen again or your mood will effect your husband because you need to look after yourself now and it would have been a lot easier for him not to try and he obviously loves you.
it did take a long time for me but that was because my partner ended up getting pregnant after cheating so I had that to deal with too so it took a while.
don’t let that worry you though because in time you will start to feel slightly better each day it will be a rollercoaster but I promise it gets easier.
plus with the citalopram too you will recover
short term make sure you are gentle and kind to yourself
eat well
drink lots of water
have a relaxing bath when it’s tough
as difficult as it is try and do things you enjoy x
try not to worry too much about how long it will take to feel better because you won’t feel like this forever x
thanks Rob! Did you also fall into such a state? how long did it take you to recover?
thanks for the reply. I try to take care of myself, you wouldnt believe how insane amount of money I spent on things to console me;) I try to remember this state is temporary, that is what keeps me hanging. But after that event of yours did you finally come back to old you? That is what I am afraid of - that this event will change me and I will not be this happy me…
oh yeah definitely went back to the old me! once I had accepted it in my head and decided what and how I was going to deal with it I did get better. it would occasionally pop in my head and I was able to push it out and carry on.
it didn’t change me as a person at all and I was my normal self when it had all settled.
we aren’t together anymore because she done it again a few years later but the difference is your husband sounds very sorry and sounds like he really wants to atone for what he did and the fact he is trying says it all.
my partner didn’t care the second time she did it and showed no remorse whatsoever. thats when I decided nope…not going through that again.
I am in a new relationship now and I thought I would be jealous or paranoid and not trust anyone again but that really isn’t the case so that shows me that it is something you can definitely get past x