Depressão Yo-yo

Saúde mental
1

For years my mental health has been like a yo-yo. I'd have days where I can barely get out of bed, where I battle with my mind continously. Other days I would have things figured out and feel like superwoman. I was finally diagnosed last year with ptsd and depression. I was put on 100mg of Sertraline and I started therapy, but my yo-yo depression does not allow me stability, I started to feel fine and I quit both the Sertraline and therapy believing I was ok. I can see that my mind sabotages itself, but everytime I fall for it. I can never stick at anything.

Now I'm finding myself going back into this dark hole with no support. Everyday is a struggle and last night I found myself reasoning with myself about suicide. I am in a really dark place right now.

I keep my feelings too myself and here is my only outlet where I feel I can be 100% honest. I don't want to see the doctors again, the process to get help for mental health is appalling in the UK and takes roughly 3 months to even see someone from the mental health team. I could feel completely fine by then.

Sometimes I question my diagnosis. I have always been a yo-yo with my moods and emotions. I feel even the basics of my personality change day by day. I hate this uncertainty, I don't understand who I am. I feel I am never at neutral.

Is there anyone out there that can help me gain some clarity? Does anyone else have a yo-yo depression, I'd love to hear from you!! I don't know if this is normal. Maybe it isn't and I have something other than depression and ptsd?

Tanya. X

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i don't suffer from yo-yo depression, I've only suffered mild depression. But I thought I would reply, to at least let you know your post is being looked at and hopefully someone with more experience and a better insight will come along.

I realise you said you don't want to see the doctors again and the mental health process is long winded, is there some one you could take to the doctors who is perhaps more forceful and might push things along a bit more quickly.

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Hi Tanya,

From experience with my daughter, I think that your gut feeling is right.  You could be closer top Bi-polar.  Her life was a yo yo.  The clue in what you said to make me believe this is first the "yo yo", "depressed and then super woman"  and "I can never stick at anything".  However, having said that, you also said, "I can see that my mind sabatages itself, but everytime I fall for it"  My daughter could not see that her mind was trying to sabatage itself.  She was diagnosed at age 14 with Severe Bi-Polar with Psychotic Features.

Of course I am not a doctor, but if your gut tells you something, then dive back into that horrible mental health system and fight for what you need until somebody listens to you. Throw a fit if you have to!  You have a right to proper care even if your system is bad and I can guarantee you that someone in your system is getting very good care.  So why them and not you?  Advocate for yourself.  

Here in the States if we even speak the words, I want to kill myself, even our neighbor has the right to call the police and we are hauled off to the hospital to be assessed.  We can choose to go against our will, which is worse, or we can choose to accept it.

I have felt angry over what I have learned about your mental health system and one thing is for sure, if no one shouts loud enough, it will never change.  I realize it is hard to have this kind of energy when you are feeling like you wish you were dead, but try to become angry about the system that does not properly help you. Sorry if my anger is coming across too strong, it is not towards you, but towards what I have learned about your system there.

I have too been on that edge of suicide and it is hard to pull away from it.  But lately I began to ask myself, if the chemicals in my brain are unbalanced, then it stands to reason that every thought it produces while in this state cannot be the truth.  If I believe that death is the best path, how do I really know that that is not a lie also?  

Also from personal experience, PTSD has a huge anxiety component and anxiety can take you up and down.  Another thought is perhaps your medication needs changed to a better one, or the dosage tweeked.  It takes a while to figure out what helps you the most.

Hang in there, I know of no one who died at their own hand who can guarantee me that suicide was the best choice.  So I doubt those thoughts.

Hang in there 

Dawn, USA

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Thank.you for your kind words RHGB, i don't really have many people in my .life as I push people away a lot.

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Thank you for getting in touch Dawn, your words spoke volumes to me!

I've seen for a while now I'm very different, every day in fact. I'm just struggling to find a diagnosis I can accept and agree with. I feel if i was taken more seriously I could be recieve the care and healing I need. I feel the therapists and doctors base my diagnosis upon my complicated and traumatic childhood, rather on the here and now.

You've made me realise I really need to fight the system, yes it's unfair, but I cant live in this hell. It's just so hard to fight some days when I feel I have no fight left. The therapists try and ask me what sort of person I am and I can't explain to them because I really do not know myself, I get frustrated, and angry at myself for not knowing the answers. Sometimes I feel therapy only makes me worse, Just gives me more things to think about, when my head is already a mess with so many emotions. I keep getting told my past is why I feel how I do, but I dont agree. I'm more concerned about my moods and behaviour.

Nothing about me is stable, I dont know what I like, what my opinions are on topics because I change everyday. This is torture!

I can see what you mean about an unbalanced brain and how things cannot always be considered truths. I guess thats why I dont do anything stupid, I know I'm ill and my reality is sometimes warped.

I'm not on any medication anymore, I was on sertraline for depression but I stopped taking it, I was having a goodn (superwoman) day and didn't feel like I needed it and surprise- not one peron in the mental health team cared. Sometimes I need someone to look out for me because as I said, I sabbotage myself.

It's really nice to hear from you Dawn, take care, Tanya

 

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Interesting that you stopped taking your Sertraline when you were having a superwoman day.  That is typical Bi-polar.  My daughter still refuses to take her medications on a regular basis.  Of course I am not diagnosing you, just sharing a similarity.

Will your GP not help you?  Sometimes, if you have an understanding one, they can fill the gap.  Perhaps you could begin a journal of your thoughts and feelings day by day.  It could reveal a pattern.  I wish I could reach out across the ocean and help you.

There is a really good book entitled. "The Unquiet Mind". by Kay Jamison.  She is a pioneer in unveiling her own story of being Bi-polar.  And on top of that, you could begin to educate yourself about any and all mental health illnesses and perhaps you could pinpoint something similar within yourself.  Reading self help books is a good way to open up new ideas and thoughts.  Something might reach out to you.

Anxiety alone, can mimic mental illnesses.  Depression, left too long, can mimic other mental illnesses.  How long were you on the Sertraline?  

You know, I come from a traumatic childhood, so much so, that I have stopped sharing the details with people outside of therapy, because no one can handle it.  I am 58 now and can say that many of the choices I have made right up to this age, were motivated in some way by my childhood experiences.  And to this day, I also do not know who I am completely, but have learned some things about myself.  Trauma does shape our lives more than we realize.  

I can feel how overwhelming this is for you.  Too many thoughts all at once on your head.  I just wish I could help.  But glad to see that you have a fighting spirit in you.  No one will advocate for you better than you can!  

 have had to advocate for myself when I was at my weakest fresh out of surgery when  nurse mistreated me.  (more than once, it seems I was born to be subjected to the bad nurses and doctors).  YOU CAN DO THIS.  

I have one last piece of advice.  If you are a patient who will not take her prescribed medications then you will not receive the support you want.  You must comply.  If the Sertraline did not help you, then ask for something else.  If you find yourself thinking that you do not need it, then write yourself a note to remind your super woman self, to still take the medication.  

My best to you and please write any time.  There is a way to private message each other also if you want.  Just so glad you reached out and I hope others will respond to you also.  You need the support and need to know that you are not alone.

Really nice to know you, you take care also.

Dawn