I'll be frank, I've been depressed for a long time. Probably since I was 8 years old, though I was only diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety about 3 years ago after my second suicide attempt.
Between being abused my father from the time I was 5, an entire court case, having to uproot my life and moving away from family and friends to a state that I knew nothing about, being bullied in said new state, being robbed by someone my mother thought was a friend twice ( and by the same person no less), having friends and family die within months of each other, dropping out of university twice, struggling to find a job and much much more, I can safely say I've reached the point in my life where I'm just done with life.
I've been trying so hard to get better since my last suicide attempt but it feels like once I think I'm ahead and can finally enjoy feeling secure life decides to take a massive dump on me and send me spiraling into another depressive episode. I've had so much horrible things happen in my life that I'm always on edge and ready for something bad to hit and life doesn't let me down in that department. Whether its having almost everything stolen, not even getting called back for a potential job to even more recently mother getting fired and there for both of us losing our insurance ( which is bad because we both take medication and hers was already more expensive with insurance). To be honest I think I'm the worlds Charlie Brown, always depressed, always questioning the world and almost always seeking help. Sure some good things happen ( usually just hanging out with friends) but those usually amount to temporary distractions and it makes me feel like I'm only using my friends to get away from my own problems.
Sure I have dreams and goals, I want to be writer/comic artist/general artist but with how things have been going I'm going to have pretty much just give that up just to be able to support myself and my mother now ( who is at the age where she can't even get decent work with benefits). But even my enjoyment of writing and drawing has gone down hill drastically especially within the last few days. I barely enjoy playing video games anymore, I've only really been binge playing Overwatch as a distraction not really enjoying things even when I win and when I'm not trying to drown my hopelessness into trying to get loot boxes I'm usually sleeping.
To put it blatantly, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to improve my life only to be kicking in the knee caps and have every single attempt thrown back into my face. Before I would keep getting back up, dusting off the dirt and keep going but now I just want to stay down and let the world have its way with me. It just feels easier that way. Over the last few days I've been contemplating trying to end my life again though the only thing stopping me is
A. Having not method to do so
B. Mom being home all day so no privacy to do so
C. All the pills in the house locked up ( after my second suicide attempt my mother locked up all the pills in a lock box) and my anti depressants and bipolar meds are too expensive to waste to try and kill myself with.
I've honestly thought of just wandering into the down town area and find the highest building to jump from or just jump from the bridge that leaves town or do something that would get me killed by police. I just want it all to end because it's hopeless to keep trying after trying for so long. At the very least I'd make myself less of a burden on my mother and friends, and trust me I can tell that my mental illness and my inability to function like a normal 25 year old adult does take its toll on those around me. My mother deserves a better daughter, one who can actually hold a job without falling into a stress induced episode, someone who isn't a complete failure at life. My friends deserve someone who can give back as much as they are given and isn't a complete downer to be around.
Honestly if someone were to hold a gun to my head and threaten to kill my I'd probably let them do it and thank them for it. Because honestly I'm just tired of living.
And before its asked, yes I'm in my 20's and live with my mother (she offered and I help take care of things around the house which is pretty much the only thing I force myself to do) and no I can't see another therapist, no insurance means I can't get help ( heck even with insurance I had to stop seeing the therapist I was seeing because we couldn't afford it). So when I say my life is a hopeless mess I mean it. Also obviously I'm not going to believe the whole 'it gets better' shtick because obviously that isn't true for me.
Sorry it's so long I've needed to vent without dumping it on anybody in my life.