Anxiety is ruining my life, don't know what to do anymore. (LONG POST)

Mental health
1

I've been an anxious person for as long as I can remember, even as a kid. It was pretty hard for me to make friends, speak in public or to talk to strangers. There was a time, 2 years maybe, when I was 15-16 tears old, where all of this went away and I was able to be a "normal" person. I loved going out, meeting new people and making friends. But after those two years, it all went to hell. I had my first panic attack in front of an audience, at the time I had no idea what anxiety even was so I didn't know exactly what was happening to me but I've started to avoid situations that would put me in the cernter of attention, afraid of having another panic attack. But as the years have passed, my social anxiety became worse and worse. I barely had the strenght to finish highschool, but not enough to go to college though. It became VERY hard to meet new people, especially an entire group at once to the point where even meeting a single person was too hard and exhausting. I won't even mention talking in groups or in front of a public. I couldn't even eat in public, because I had the feeling that everybody was looking at me. I couldn't get a job because of the panic attacks. I feel like my panic attacks are the worst! My heart will start racing like crazy. beating too fast, too slow and then too fast again, my body would start sweating badly, my stomach would go crazy as well, my mind would instantly "broke" and suddenly I would forget how to talk properly and I can't form coherent sentences or remember what some things are called and finally, the worst symptom of all...the SHAKING! My whole body would strat shaking so bad that it's VERY visible, and as if that was not enough, I'm losing the ability to control my muscles. So my arms/legs/neck and face would start twitching in a way that it may be giving the impression that I'm having a stroke or something. If I'm trying to walk I'll stumble, if I'm trying to turn my head from straight to the left or right it will twitch so bad that it seems like I'm turning it for 2 or 3 times in a row. My face will make some strange expressions since I can't control it, my eyebrows would rise up on their own or they'll start trembling. If I'm trying to smile, I can't keep my mouth in the same place for more than 1 second before it'll start shaking and my eyes would twitch as well. And I can not for the life of me control my hands if I have to write something. And no, it's not all in my mind! Everytime I had one, everybody around me noticed and pointed it out. Besides all of this, it became hard for me to do simple things, such as : going to shopping alone (I would constantly feel uneasy until I leave the premises), answering or talking on the phone when it's somebody I don't know (whether it's a wrong number or the pizza guy, the feeling is the same), going to the doctor and absolutely anything that is out of my comfort zone really. If it's something that I am doing for the first time, my anxiety would go crazy. I am aware that my fear is irrational and that I am in no danger in those moments, but that doesn't help me to stop what I'm feeling or the panic attacks. I've tried to push myself in doing new things as often as I could and it did not get any easier with time, I would feel exactly the same everytime. I can't get professional help either, because I'm no longer in school or working I don't have health insurance. And the worst part is, that in my country, unless you have like a very bad mental illness (Parkinsons, Dementia, Schizophrenia), nobody will take you seriously when you tell them about anxiety and what you are going through. They would be like "Yeah, it's all in your head, it's just a phase, it'll pass/get over it". That's the response I got when I tried to talk about it with my parents, with my friends and my boyfriend. Absolutely nobody understood or even pretended to. I've lost my friends in the meantime, because they all thought that I don't want to do anything with my life purposefully. For my parents I'm a disappointment. I was never in good relations with my father (he's an alcoholic and he made my life and my mother's a leaving hell) but now, after not geting a job or continuing my education it's even worse. It's not a day that passes without him yelling  and throwing so many hurtful words at me. As for my boyfriend, ever since I first told him about my anxiety (3 or 4 years ago) he never even once brought up the subject again.

And now I feel so lonely, so sad and down. I feel like I have no purpose in this life. I can't get help, I can't get a job, I have nobody to support me and I can't even remember the last time I felt happy. Everyday is just a struggle to keep my mind distracted from the bad thoughts and the cruel reality. I really don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry for the long post, it's the first time I've told my story online and sorry for the spelling mistakes too, english is my second language.

2

Hello you sound just like my double. Ever since I was a child I have suffered with mega anxiety convinced everybody was looking at me.I am now 63. I have had counselling but at the end of the day it is down to me to break the cycle. I am on Sertraline 50 which does help. I feel that I am slowly getting better and I have done that by accepting the anxiety and not fighting it and it seems to work. My hands would shake if I used the credit card machine in front of people but as uncomfortable as it was I forced myself to do it. Be kind to yourself. Take small steps and before you know it they will turn into big steps. Please let me know how you get on.

3

Thanks for the response! I am not trying to fight it, I'm just trying to learn to control it. I mean, I can make the effort to do all of the stuff I mentioned that are very hard for me to do but unfortunately, I can't do the most important one, and that is getting a job. And being alone through this experience it's very hard too. There are some days when I'm feeling so down that the world could be ending tomorrow and I could not care any less. And it's so hard to pull myself out of that sadness, especially when the people around me are treating me with indifference or they are being mean.

4

Hi. I understand what you are saying truly I do but it's only now that I am starting to accept the anxiety and to accept the anxiety means i do not put myself under pressure by controlling it. If people comment then I say I suffer with anxiety. It's not easy it's difficult but certainly not as difficult as trying to control it. I always wanted to be normal like all the other kids. I hated them saying why are you shaking because like you I stopped doing things. Biggest mistake of my life. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Build your confidence up each day by doing something out of your comfort zone even if its only good morning to a total stranger.

5

Love you have ptsd.

When you ever explain yourself in therapy be sure to explain your uobringing. And know some persons are sick. And sick people still make and have babies an they can not properly teach you love when they dont know what it is. I say that somyou understand you are going to have to forgive it all at some point to move forward. Not condone the behavior ot toxic words but to understand it was sickness that caused it. You did NOTHING wrong, you just were born into it, one day it will be your teacher oddly. Teach you to self love and forgive.your purpose doesnt have to be comolex its about yur chosen soul journey. And these are the givens and variables you have been given to fulfill your souls journey. Sounds cruel because humans come with emotions but it just makes the challenge that much greater. This is manageable and you can get a grip on it but self hate, self blame, self abuse are NOT the tools needed. You have been taught all wrong. Your beliefs are all wrong. So you have a lot of work ahead of you. 

You can self help too. And they have alcoholic groups for kids of alcohlics online.that might be great for you. Theres a ton of helpful books to to read. This is about learning now. Unlearn the crap you have been raised with and learn the more useful things you need to grow as a person. Just really understand a parent who knows no love, was probably abused too cant raise you and teach you wonderful things. They dont know it either. But you can break the cycle thru education and self love. 

It is not just your country it is the way of the whole world. There is no magical cure. Nothing anyone can "do" for you. This is a journey that is deep, and personal. But there is free help. There is. You have the web. Join groups of kids of alcoholics, read up on it, read about ptsd, read about remidies and helpful things, there are apps too. Theres great work ooks on depression and anxiety out there.

start journaling. Get a big notebook and start from today. Tell you story,write it all down. Youll be a,zaed how that helps. And one day you can get it oublished . Your story is similiar to so mnay who feel as you do. Imagine the kick in the butt if one day your story makes you rich. Mhm. Happens all the time.

6

Hello Lisa and thank you for the kind words and advice. I didn't know about the kids of alchoolics groups and I haven't even think about ptsd. Somewhere deep down I always knew that my father was the reason for my anxiety, because he always scared me with his behavior since I was a little kid. He never showed me any kind of affection or love and wouldn't let my mother do it either in his presence. It's true, I can't bring myself to forgive him, honestly, right now I think I'll never will. For me, he's like a stranger and I really don't feel anything for him besides hate. I can't even stand his presence, whenever I know it's time for him to come home my mood would change instantly and my anxiety would grow. And as long as I am forced to live in his house, I don't know if I will be able to get better.

However, I don't hate or blame myself. I am aware of the fact that I have no fault for being born in this family or for the treatment my father gave me. I actually have a very good opinion about myself, I know I am a good person and I am capable to understand what I am going through. But I guess I haven't yet learned to accept my affection and to pay less attention to it. And that is what consumes me the most. And again, being alone through this process makes it more difficult. Having someone to listen and support you in tough times, sometimes can make a big difference.

I tried anxiety support groups on many sites but everyone seemed to know everyone for months or years and they had their own topics to talk about. They didn't pay much attention to new members. I tried one on one support but the other person seemed very distant and not really relatable so that didn't work out for me either. And I even lost the number of forums I have posted. And again, I was ignored. This is the only site where I got people to respond and I'm glad I've found it.

As for the journal, I used to keep one until a few years ago. And I used to be good at writing, I wrote poetry for some years, it was a way to relieve myself. I really thought about writing a book lately about my life and what have I been through, maybe I would give it a try soon.

Again, thank you for the response and for making me see things from another perspective.

7

Thank you for the advice good sir, you are totally right. I have yet to learn to accept my anxiety, it's not something very easy and I guess I was and still am ashamed of it. I will try to take small steps and push myself more in the future and hopefully everything will work out in the end and I will be able to do more things.

8

Extreme feeling of inadequacy (mostly subconscious) with extreme repression causing an extreme anxiety response in social situations. Interestingly however you have maintained a long-term relationship. How is that going other than leaving you feeling like you can't discuss what is bothering you/troubling you?

You have to bring your subconscious out into the light. If you are not in a position to go to therapy you will need to do it gently and slowly on your own. It is doable, rest assured. You will pull through nicely.

May i ask how old you are?

Your english is actually perfect for a first language let alone a second smile Your post is not 'long'. You are excusing yourself even here where you came for relief smile You really have yourself on a tight leash smile

Sending much love!

9

Hey! Thanks for the response and kind words! I'm 24 years old and you are right, I guess I always felt the need to explain myself and my actions. I don't know why, maybe because I'm afraid of being judge or misunderstood. I guess there are a good number of things that I do without even realising that I'm doing them until someone points them out, just like you did. And I consider this to be very helpful. I'm really trying to learn about my affection as much as I can and also, to understand why I behave like I do. I consider myself a rational person and usually I'm trying to find an explanation whenever I feel like my actions are weird or wrong or unnecessary. But I'm not able to see them all, unless someone points them out to me.

As for my relationship, well, that's another long story cheesygrin. When we met (through mutual friends), I wasn't in such a bad state like I am now, but still, going out and meeting his friends/family was not easy. Of course, the begining was nice and lovely, he was such a supportive and amazing person. But as the years went by, of course things have changed. (I have still to meet that person that does not change as time goes by) We both made mistakes, maybe I more than him, nobody's perfect but he changed a LOT! And one of the major thing that changed was the support he used to offer me, both physically and emotionally. Now, whenever I need him to do something for me, I have to ask him a million times and when he finally does it, he will ask for something in return or keep reminding me that "I did that for you "x" days ago". It's really annoying and frustrating, especially when I see him do the same things for others (friends or acquaintances of his) without a problem or complaint. And it'll be the same for emotional support. I can't discuss anything that I'm going through with him anymore. No matter if it's some health issue or life problem, he would dismiss me immediatly with the reply that my problem it's not that big of a deal and I'm just making it seem so and if it's health related, he would tell me that it's only in my head and that I'm actually fine.

So yeah, there are some issues between us.

10

Everything you are saying sounds kind of familiar to me smile

As for your boyfriend - You are looking to rely on him. Don't bother. Whatever you can do yourself, do and keep your demands on him to a minimum. Not to spare him, but to give you a sense of power. Later you can evaluate his suitability smile once you are more at ease with yourself. Right now you need to find a center.

Pity you cannot get therapy where you are. You sound receptive and could potentially benefit from psychotherapy/counselling. CBT would be helpful in teaching you to reign in your social anxiety responses.

I had this kind of exaggerated social anxiety in college. I left after 2 gruelling years. I continued my education (distance learning biggrin after I had my first child in late twenties. Nothing was lost. To this day and after extensive therapy (medication and some psychotherapy) i still get some symptoms similar to then when i am stressed smile I still have trouble maintaining eye contact and if i am very tense, my facial expressions. Signing bank paperwork always gets tricky smile But it is no longer too noticeable. Time sorts it out if you keep practicing. Read up on it, learn what you can, do what you can. And interact with others.

I am done with therapy for the last 4-5 years but i come here, among other reasons, because there is so much to learn from interacting with others who have been through the same. Overcoming anxiety is a process. For most, it gets better as we plough along.

Continuing your education will be good. Once you are ready. You can turn this around. At any rate, job number one is to give yourself a break. Find some balance. And ge it all out. So use this place to offload. Whatever is bothering you. Lots of people will identify and some may be able to help at least a bit. x

I am so sorry you can't get therapy where you are. Is there no public healthcare assistance for people who do not have an income or not a sufficient income? I understand that even going to a doctor would be overwhelming for you, but

11

I'm glad to hear you are doing better! And it is very helpful talking to people that have experienced something similar at some point. It helps me understand the things that I am going through better. As well as seeing certain things from another perspective. And I'm really glad that I've found this site, because in real life, I have no one to talk to about this.

I'm trying to push myself in doing things out of my comfort zone as frequently as I can. Recently I have done one and it worked out just fine. If you ask me, I don't even know how I did it or why I was so confident in myself at the time. It was a puzzle even for me. cheesygrin Wish it was like that all the time. And another thing I noticed is when I am very very angy, the symptomps of anxiety are almost non existent. I mean, psychological speaking, I am feeling much more confident then. I don't know why. Have you ever experienced something like this? Or is it just me?

And unfortunately no, there is no way in getting help without the healthcare insurance. You can only hire a therapist, but they are extremely expensive! To give you an idea, for 4 or 5 sessions you will have to give all your salary money for that month. And yes, going to the doctor is overwhelming for me, but if I'd had the chance to go see a therapist, trust me, I would do it without even thinking about it. Because I want to get better not just to feel sorry for myself.

12

I love the fact that you consciously challenge yourself. The more successes and positive experiences you gather, the more positive reference your brain witll have and the more confidence this will give you. This is how recovery takes place over time!

Yes, those of us who have been subdued young, usually by a frightening  or overbearing parent or an unhealthy family environment in general, actually feel relief upon expressing anger. Anger decompresses us and with that we lose some of the inhibitions and actually function better. Not to say that is healthy, but it is a clear pointer to what you need to overcome. You are stifled/repressed and afraid. So the first step is finding your voice and expressing things before they begin to eat at you. Not by nagging per se, but by speaking your mind on time - before you explode. Once you find your flow you will be decompressing more naturally and slowly gain confidence and sense of balance. Takes practice. But since you are actively studying yourself I am sure that you will look for practical ways to apply your learning.

Think of things that frustrate you/annoy you/make you feel inadequate/powerless etc and see how you can approach them in different ways until you hit an approach that makes you feel satisfied/more comfortable less tense.

Think of it as a fun learning activity. Don't take yourself too seriously - remember to laugh at crazy stuff your subconscious puts you through. Maybe it will be helpful for you to know that laughter, good apetite and good sleep are the first things a psychiatrist/prychologists looks for as an indication that one is on the road to recovery. If these are not good then it is the first thing they try to address.

So let's look at those basics too - Is your diet good? And how is your apetite? Sleep?

 

13

Hey! Well, I used to do this a lot as a teenager. I would avoid confrontation and speaking my mind all the time until I couldn't take it anymore. Living in an environment where fights where happening almost everyday, I guess I just wanted a break when I was outside of home. But that's not the only reason, I was afraid too, afraid of saying something wrong, that would upset the other person so much that they will leave me. I was so afraid of being abandoned, alone and unloved. I can't say that right now I'm totally over those habits and feelings but I am definitely better. Back then I used to let those feelings consume me for days, until one day when I said to myself "why are you doing this to yourself? no one cares if you stay sad one week or one month, you are just making harm to yourself this way", and from then on, I tried my best to get rid of this habit. And I succeeded, now, whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed or extremely sad, I am doing my best to distract my attention and take my mind off of those bad thoughts. As for the speaking my mind thing, I'm still working on it. From what I've noticed, it's hard for me to do so only in front of someone who is dominant/controling/manipulator. Because they probably remind me of my father.

I'm not always taking myself too seriously, actually, sometimes I even laugh when something bad happens to me. Rather then staying angry, I like to make fun of the situation. [cheesygrin]

And now, to answer your questions, my diet was pretty bad until a few months ago. I would eat so much food and sweets that in one year I gained like 13 pounds (don't know if the conversion is right, but in kilograms that would be 6-7 kg). And being rather short, that's pretty noticeable. So about 2 or 3 months ago, after weighing myself and see how much I've put on this past year, I decided that I need to do something about it. So I started eating less and more healthy, and of course, I gave up the sweets. And in these two months I lost almost 5 pounds. (2,5 kg). So yeah, my apetite was pretty big [cheesygrin] .

Sleep is a little bit tricky/complicated. Because when I go to sleep, there is nothing to distract  me from my thoughts. And because of that, it's VERY very hard for me to fall asleep. Sometimes it would take me hours! It's so frustrating and annoying, because after a certain amount of time, my anxiety would kick in and besides the tiredness, now I would have to deal with the too hot and too cold waves, the itchiness of my skin, uneasiness and not finding a comfortable position to stay in no matter what. And let's not forget the part where my mind goes to every memory of every bad thing that happened to me in this life. From what I have noticed, the only times when I don't seem to bump into this problem is when I am very happy and at peace. But considering that those moments are very rare, I had to come up with a solution. When I'm at home, I would watch tv until I'll drift off to sleep. And when I'm at my boyfriend or somewhere without a Tv, I would try to use my imagination to create some sort of movie/play in my head to keep my mind occupied until falling asleep. This doesn't always work, but I'd give it a try anyway.

 

14

You examine yourself a lot which is something that is both a blessing and a curse. In this case - just remember to use it for your own benefit. That is - to keep pushing yourself as you already do, to a more comfortable and satisfying place.

Sleep is very important - does not have to be too long, but it has to be timely and good quality. When falling asleep you may want to try blanking out your brain or doing something more productive rather than letting the noise in your head overwhelm you.

Two things that worked for me at the time (and still do on a harsh day) were blanking out the brain. Focusing on nothing at all, ignoring noise within and without and not engaging with any thought but returning to silence and dark until i am comfortable with it. This approach was ok but limited during high anxiety. So I tried another: Focusing on each inch of my body starting with toes by flexing gently and then releasing every muscle i come across moving upward. At first i could not sustain my attention to reach the top of my head and would get lost by the time i reached my lower back. But eventually i managed and now i make it to the end, relaxing every muscle and sending focused calm attention to areas without muscles until everything in my body is relaxed. I usually fall asleep immediately afterwards.

Gentle stretches before sleep also help me. Yoga stretches i learned and use to relieve accumulated tension. If i am not sleeping at least i am keeping my muscles elastic LOL

I used to have plays in my mind too while trying to fall asleep. I looked forward to those. Now I sometimes miss them but tend to fall asleep before i even start smile

Keep exploring. Silver lining - you will get to know yourself so well and be in a better position to take care of yourself too. x

15

May I ask how have you been doing lately after almost a year?I'm almost 16 and I have the exact "symptoms" almost".My anxiety started 4 years almost go and last year I had my first panic attack at exams.I'm at highschool now and I don't know what I want to do with my life.I'm not a very good student and in my grades I get like 13-14 and overall my average "school deegre" grade is 15-16.Im nervous every year because I have a small difficulty passing the class for like 2-4 points and I am really nervous every year.I get really nervous about the most simple things,and my most important problem is what am I going to do when I'm having exams so I get to University which will affect my entire life?When I'm nervous Ill get Headaches,stomachaches and I will want to throw up.I have talked about it with my parents and they are both supportive but I can even imaging dropping out of school caused by anxiety.How am I going to get a job?!?What am I going to do in my life?😭My mother has also notified all the teacher at my school that I'm extremely nervous and I have panic attacks so they will know and help me most times.Also another problem is failing the school year because of too many absents.I have never failed a class before but I'm every year close to failing which also makes me super nervous and I keep going to school and after the first hour going to the principals office and asking my mum to leave.Pls reply as soon as possible and I hope you are doing well with your problems. (Also English isn't my first language)