Sitting here watching a film I have come to the conclusion that I want to die, not sure how or when. I hate what i have become a sad worthless useless human being that is no good to anyone anymore, I try to think of my son and grandchildren and how they will miss me but come to the conclusion that they would be better off without me. I.ve tried several distractions today I'm dog sitting been for several walks in the rain, cuddled him and talked to him, cried into his fur sounds stupid now but still the same conclusion keeps coming to mind. Do I talk to someone?I am waiting for a diagnosis from a Borderline personality assessment so they can come up with a treatment plan but this has bought up a lot of stuff i had tucked away in my memory.CPN wants to continue with the programme I'm suppose to be doing but no concentration on this. Everything hurts so much and struggling to cope. spent loads of money on buying a newish car but no excitement in that. Tried writing stuff down, Debating ringing the Samaritans? Just got to decide how and when. I was a useless worthless child, teenager my husband is dead he was the only person who loved and cared for me for who I was so i am no longer needed. All this has been playing on my mind for several days well even weeks I suppose. I've just can't get rid of these thoughts. I thought writing it on here might help some, don't know. Not going to do anything tonight maybe self harm abit to cope but got to plan things out to make things easier for my son....Sorry,,,,,,,
Maybe it;s just a bad day or week or weeks......
Self harm is selfish and not the way. I've felt the same and had 3 close friends take there lives not knowing they were thinking that. By you writing this testimony is exactly what others need to hear thinking the same and they're not alone. You have gifts of knowledge to help others with your experience in life and always will. Thank-you for Your testimony and continue to help us please with how your doing. Not trying to be selfish but need to know others are out there feeling like I do. Share what's on Your mind to help us share what's on ours. Your a blessing and a gift for sure to me reading yours in Gods perfect timing. Prayers to you and this group.
Whoever it is that said self harm is selfish is wrong. When you're in that place and hurting so much you feel worse than you feel your family ever would without you. It isn't selfish. However, it would hurt your family more than you think. Reading through your post I panicked for a second thinking I was reading my nans post. She can't use the Internet at all so to think that was a bit odd but I really did panic. My grandad died 12 years ago, ever since, my nan has relied on us and my cousins to keep her busy, she moved near to my family, which is a distance from my cousins but still the same city. My cousins are still children (9+14). Me and my sister are pretty much adults, she's 17 in a couple months, I'm nearly 21. We absolutely adore my nan and have endless conversations about how guilty we feel for not seeing her more often. If anything happened to my nan I know I would fall into a deep depression for a very long time. She thinks we don't care about her, I know this as she tells my mum, and I always tell her we do care and I try my hardest to see her as much as I can.
I don't know how old you are or what position you are in exactly, but my nan is 72 now, when my grandad passed she was 60, we have been trying to get her involved in clubs to make friends as my grandad was all she had in the way of friends. We would still say that has been unsuccessful.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you will be missed way more than you think, maybe you should try and talk to your son, if not, if you are in the uk, there are usually mothers Union coffee mornings in most areas run by the local churches, my mum takes my nan along there every Friday.
I know I'm young, but I have been through a lot, I have attempted suicide many times and failed which just made me feel worse. Especially when I saw the effect I had on my family and friends waking up in a hospital bed the last time with my whole family around me.
I think you may need a companion again, your husband would be more than happy if you were to find someone else to live with. There are becoming more and more buildings classes as villages which are kind of like a hotel or care home for people who can still look after themselves; doctor always on site, pharmacist, hairdressers, teas rooms and restaurants, and they have entertainment on in most of these places. They are for the older generation and as I said I don't know how old you are. But I think maybe having something more to do would make you feel like you have more purpose? How about volunteering for the local hospital or a charity shop? Only ideas. I hope you find a way out of this x
Self harm, suicide, whatever you want to call it is selfish and being a coward. You take alot of people with you going that way. Sorry I forgot to say, IMO. Having lost 3 close important accomplished people.
I'm only 55, i;m trying to continue with my employment after being off sick twice over the past year and a half. i don't want a companion I don't want company I don't want anyone, i find it hard to socialise, I've been trying hard to control these urges, I;ve been attending appointments witht CPN, psychiatrist, psychologists like I said waiting for the final assesment. I am trying and don't want to be selfish but self harming helps me cope it is not harming anyone but myself so how can that be selfish?? committing suicide is selfish I know that that is why I am fighting this so hard....I know it will hurt people I know that, it all makes sense but sometimes I just can;t get these dam thoughtso ut of my head however hard I try.
No it isn't. To feel so so awful to feel like that is the only way. To go ahead with that is not being a coward. Making someone feel bad for how they feel isn't going to help any situation. If you've been there then you really would understand. I've had people close to me take their lives too, I've also been the one feeling worse for giving in and hurting myself. It isn't selfish, it isn't stupid, the brain is a complicated place. It is sad because it is unnecessary, but if, as you say, you have been there, you would know, it isn't selfish. So never say that again. I may be young, but I'm intelligent, very, actually. I been awarded where I work for my knowledge on mental health, even though I am only 20, not working in a mental health department and don't have a degree in it. Anyone who ever says the results of living with a burden like mental health is selfish doesn't understand.
I rest my case.
Thankyou I have just read some of your posts, you are so young but have a good understanding. I have tried once and on the edge but was stopped by a member of the public I thought I had been doing not too bad recently but this assessment has raised a lot of issues so hopefully the result will help but people keep going on leave and being sick and i try to understand this that is part of life but people seem to keep abandoning me. It takes a lot for me to write on here now as I feel let down by some of the professionals lately where others have been fantastic, I'll just stop now as I can't think anymore I'll just go into my own world and hopefully wake again tomorrow for another day.....
I always feel let down by the professionals Tina, the best thing that ever happened to me, even though it really upset me, was when a girl came up to me who I barely knew and told me I needed to "sort my f***ing life out and stop moping around". Now that's easier said than done I know. And I know you say you don't want company but that's depression talking, you need to try your f***ing hardest to push yourself to get out there and meet people no matter how much it takes. You're still young, how do you know there isn't another soul mate out there for you? My mum is 50, she has been depressed, in fact at one point, me, my mum and my dad were depressed and it was my little sister who had to keep me sane, at 12 she was stopping me doing the worst. I know it's hard but you should show this post to your therapist, doctor whoever and they might be able to help you more. I wasn't honest with a good psychologist I had, then I was honest to a crappy one, and didn't get anywhere. Being honest is the best thing you can do. Also, when I was in highly specialised counselling, I went to a basic support group with a group called changes, it was the best thing I did. You should try that, they're completely confidential and when you go in you have to swear to keep each other's secrets, what is said in the room stays there. It helped me more than specialised counselling. I think mind do them too, and there are also mindfulness courses you can do to help yourself. Please help yourself as much as you can. If you want you can email me
Don't hurt yourself, I know it's hard, believe me I do, but you're worth more than this. I'm stood in a nightclub writing this out fighting the urge to get slaughtered. (Self harm, my liver is already damaged from multiple overdoses) I don't even know why I want to do it, I just feel like I have to. But I won't because I want to show other people it's possible to control them urges and get better.
I hope you get better, God bless you xx
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It is very difficult to say anything helpful in this dicotomy. It does seem that mental illness is being ignored. Where there is psychosis there will be a new or second mind set which will see suicide in a totally different way to the normal. Suicide may seem to be desireable and rational. Thoughts of the distress it may cause may be sufficient deterant, maybe not. To assert to a person with depression or some other mental health illness that it is morally wrong or selfish may the final "reason" to precipitate suicide.
Well something must of helped I actually slept all night for the first time for years, got up took the dog out for a quick walk gave him breakfast back to bed and slept again for another two hours. I feel numb, empty,vacant not me. Good?? not sure.
Numb only feels okay for a short while. Eventually it feels worse than sadness. You should definitely get yourself to the doctor or find a local support group. It's hard but like I said last night, it is down to you to force yourself better. You have to force yourself to go out and do things even though you don't want to. I know it's hard, I really really do. But you HAVE to do it for yourself. You are worth at least that x
I'll get up for work tomorrow go through the motions, I;ve been forcing myself to work, attend appointments, talk to people who are trying to help me, see my grand children but I'm getting tired again I am finding it so hard. Deep down I know I have to do it for myself but at present I do not see the point.
That's how I felt, you need to find enjoyment in your life again. If you force yourself to go out and do things, eventually you will feel the benefits and gradually get better...also, if you drink a lot, try not to, try and throw yourself st being healthy, enjoy chocolate cause that scientifically cheers you up, but so does exercise, alcohol is a depressant. The 'side effects' include feeling low, so try and avoid alcohol. If you're struggling to get through day to day as your doctor if he can prescribe anything to help anxiety, which will avoid you thinking so much, I take sleeping pills most nights as it reduces brain function so I get to sleep better. But with certain ones they can make you feel sh*t the next day. Set yourself some kind of goal and get excited about it, having something to look forward to can really help x
So much for trying to be positive, got all dressed up in the wet weather gear to take the dog out, been out for half and hour ended up falling over, hurt my ankle, ripped my trousers covered in mud and my ribs hurt, before I would laugh but I just lay there and cryed and screamed, hobbled home. At least I tried. 
Call someone you love and trust and tell them you need help! Call hotline. Call ambulance. Drive yourself to hospital. DO something. Don't sit at the computer. Almost everyone goes through times when they see no hope, think of dying, but push on and they see it didn't kill them. You don't realize that your son will mourn every day of his life for you. He might even feel guilt of some sort his whole life. You think you're taking the easy way out, we all do at times, I know I do, but this day will pass, tomorrow will pass, until one day when you'll see the light waiting at the end. Shining through this dark time. This will not happen this week, maybe not this month or not even this year. Be strong! Don't think about and go over and over your past. Put thoughts of the past in a box, put the box on a shelf. You'll go look in that box from time to time in your life, but not today. You'll see the box as a reminder of how strong you are, and that you made it through this dark time and will again. If you aren't already on medication for depression, you should be. Go to a professional and share these feelings, medication might be all you need to get your thoughts from this dark place. Time is your friend. With time, this will pass. Don't end those beautiful things life has given you. Your son, you can see, flowers you can smell, heat when you're cold, springtime when all the bulbs come out of the ground and bloom. You are like that flower, you will bloom, just do something. Anything to get help. One more day won't change your situation. I will not make you feel guilty. ( think of the homeless, people who will never sleep in a bed at night, people that are hungry ) One of the best things you can do for yourself is to help other people. It will give you a feeling of accomplishment, compassion and you'll be proud of yourself. Get on to the phone and please call someone, tell them you need help.
This is very true, Tina you should take in what Luvinlex said there :
A good cry usually helps you get things into a better perspective I think. You are a vital human being an remember you are unique and invaluable to the world. No matter what the world throws at us we are meant to soldier on so you musn't give up, think of all the positive things in your life such as your family for one. (and your dog)! They would all have a poorer quality of life without you. God knows we all have times when we just want to give up because of all the abuse hurled at us and it's so easy to give in and feel worthless, especially if we dwell on the negative experiences of our past! You musn't take the cowards way out though as that's what it would be. Write down the good qualities you've got to make yourself feel reassured of your worth. Write down the enjoyment you get out of your grandchildren, and they with you. We're all a funny mixture of emotions and experiences, but that's what makes us all so unique from each other. Every time you feel down look at your list and also imagine all the grief you would be leaving behind. I'm not being insensitive but some people are glad to see the back of their husbands, but obviously you were one of the lucky ones who sounds like she was appreciated. I believe we all go through different phases in life and have a cross to bare, but there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Phone the Samaritans if you really need to, or how is your relationship wth your daughter-in-law? Is it a good one whereby you can confide in her or is that an impossible thought? Just keep on fighting the battle of life and don't give in, as you say if only for your son's sake and your grandchildren. We all hurt inside too much sometimes, but be brave and get the help you need and please don't give in. Love Yvonne
Sorry haven't been on here for a few days. thank you all so much for your input, it is very much appreciated that you take time out to read my ramblings and put forward good suggestions and ideas, some of which I might consider (sorry I'm not that good with words).
I got to work Monday ended up crying on and off most of the day, couldn't get hold of my CPN, after good talk with my line manager who is very understanding and caring ended up being sent home as i just couldn't concentrate on anything. Went for a drive out to the coast and just sat by the sea for a while. I always find it so calming at least I didn;t want to jump in for a change. Had a good talk with CPN on Tuesday.
I did try so hard during the first year after my husband passed away, joined the gym attended various classes, a lot of walking, even went for a horse ride which I quite enjoyed but all this has dwindled as I no longer wanted to do them. I don't see any point in anything. I do my best with my grand children too but end up getting very overwhelmed after a while but they are a good tonic and give lovely cuddles so /i do try and keep those thoughts in very dark moments.
i've been plodding on for ages, I am hoping once I get the result from this assessment a plan of treatment will be organised and I so hope i will be seeing one person and get some consistance, as it takes me quite a while to trust people and start opening up. I am trying to be honest so i will get the right help but some of the stuff is so hard to to bring up as I had tucked away so much.
I'm trying to stay off the wine this evening as i haven;t had a drink since a glass of wine on Saturday but tonight I am finding it hard.
Thank you all so much xxxx
ps good bruise on my ankle now and ribs are still sore, but I now at least find it amusing 