Hi, I am feeling so off... I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for a couple of years now, but my life doesn't seem to get any brighter. I am only 20 years old, but I feel like I ruined my entire life and I doubt things would get better. I am a very lonely human being which is living in a very limited world. My family tries to push so I can live like normal people again, but that actually make things worse. I've been and still am going through tons of different depression and anxiety symptoms. It makes it hard to keep focus. My therapist came with the idea to take me in for whole day treatment.. That will literally break my heart if things has to come that far... I just want to be normal you know.. I already hate myself a lot and that would put things to a maximum. My therapist said she don't know how she could help me anymore because I refuse to take medicines. I already took medicines and I am just sure that they won't help in my case. She said I have got a phobia that I fear my own feelings and thoughts which is 100% true.. But she doesn't know how to help me with that anymore I guess because she didn't said anything else about it. We have done tons of different therapy stuff but none worked. I just feel so messed up and I am feeling very depressed and tired lately. I just want to be normal and have some joy in my life:( Every day my entire life is about anxiety and depression for straight 3 years. I'm just sick of everything including myself. I hate this world and I am feeling like I just can't handle it. I want to be strong, but I don't know where I could get that strength from. I am feeling almost the entire day very bad and sometimes the things I experience aren't explainable as well. My entire life (also before this) wasn't normal at all. I've struggled with domestic violence for years in my early years and after that I took drugs to stay away from reality till I got anxiety attacks to a point where I am in now. I've no job, school, friends, partner... Nothing at all.. I feel complete useless. I want to cry about it, but I can't which is also unknown for me.. I am feeling a lot like a robot because all the shit I am going through.
Hi Emotinium - yes, you are sabotaging yourself. First, there is no such thing as 'normal.' Second, you refuse to take meds so there is no balancing of mood allowing you to relax into therapy. Your therapist can only get results when you work with her. Third, you have isolated yourself and are wallowing in the cycle of self-defeating rhetoric that spins around your mind telling you are not worthwhile. Consequently there are no external influences appreciating who you are and reinforcing a positive mindset.
If you won't allow the help to be given, you can't expect any change. It means challenging what you are feeling and doing things in spite of the fear. You have issues from your past - domestic violence and drug use which affects the developing brain - and these need to be addressed. Get angry about it all. Use that rage to fuel your determination. If "whole day treatment" is what it takes, then do it. You can't dismiss the process if you haven't tried every available and applicable avenue.
Hi Wayne, thanks for the reply. I certainly agree with some points, but I want to defend myself in some points though.
I'm 100% sure that medicine doesn't do the trick for me. I took 1/2 year a type of antidepressiva so I got a clear view on what it does with myself etc. I feel like my mind has to be clear for this and when something does something with my mind it doesn't makes me feel better at all. Coffee, sugar, alcohol.. They all make me feel anxious and uncomfortable. For some type of people they have positive effects, but not for me. I mean I could try another brand of coffee, but the overall effect would be the same right?
I do not want to isolated myself at all, but I can't expect myself to feel great again all of a sudden. I tried freelance work a while ago, but that step was just too big. I'm still licking my wounds from that period. I try to search for some rhythm between a visit to the supermarket for example and more heavy stuff like work. It's hard to find something though.
I do want to get help and that's the reason why I almost never missed a appointment for therapy in the 2 years I go. I just don't see any big improvements. If one things goes away another things takes place for it, but it's all in a negative sense and anxiety and depression related.
I don't really can get angry or especially sad. My mind doesn't let me.. I'm very anxious for it, because I'm afraid to do stupid stuff and losing myself. That's I think my biggest issue.. Other stuff develops because of this too, like thoughts which aren't based on anything but they are negative to say the least. My self confidence is super low.
Hi I have to agree with Wayne. There are lots of different meds and I had to try 2 others before I found sertraline which works well for me. The point about meds is that they make you feel better in the meantime and more able to tackle your issues. Your therapist isn't able to sort your issues out, only you can. What they do is provide a safe place for you to talk about them, and offer different angles to look at it from. That's it. You have to want to do the work and change your mindset. It takes time and it can be very painful but as someone who has been through that it is very worthwhile.
Don't forget it took years for you to feel this way so it will take time to start to feel better. It is unrealistic to expect big improvements as usually they are very small. Small ones add up like a domino effect and it snowballs from there.
It's like having no friends, then you make one. You then meet their friends and theirs and before you know it you have loads of friends. Well therapy is like that. It mushrooms.
If medical therapy isn't helping you then the only help left is the self help route. So look at things like mindfulness (lots of info online), meditation, yoga etc. Also herbal supplements such as St. John's Wort might help you too. x
Oh and I also want to point out that if you had a physical illness would you refuse to take meds to help with the symptoms? Or would you determine to 'tough' it out regardless? We all want to be normal but some of us have to work harder at it than others.
Try and get out of the 'I hate myself' mindset as this is doing you no good at all. Try praising yourself when you take a small step instead. For example instead of saying 'I am so lazy for getting out of bed so late'. Try saying 'Well done for getting up at all feeling so lousy'. Keep doing this consciously and eventually it will become a good habit. This helps me a hell of a lot and keeps some positivity flowing. x
Hey Emotinium, hope you're well (as well as you can be)
Just a quick question - is the domestic violence the reason of your anxiety, or do you think there is other things that contributed to it? Is there something going on now that is triggering it?
I personally felt that it helped me (to a degree) to analyse and understand the reason(s) why I felt the way I did, for me to come to terms with it and accept it to a point.
Kind Regards
Not anxiety related, but it did affect my overall look about myself I think. I was learned to keep things for myself so I started living more inside my own mind then I naturally am I believe. My low self esteem is also probably because of this, but I must say that as a young child I always was very shy too.
There isn't anything at the moments which triggers it, although that's what I'm thinking. I never feel good actually so also today I don't feel well at all. Sometimes it's hard to explain why that is and what it is, but I can only explain it as bad. It's like I don't feel good in my own body and that there is some kind of blanket of negative things around me which I can't put off. There is not a single day where I can say that I feel good.
Everything you say is easier said then done. If you don't have a single moment when you feel good it's hard to keep motivated. I have put and I'm still trying to put hard work in it. I just wonder sometimes that I'm maybe doomed to succeed in life. Some things I am able to do again which I couldn't do before, but I just keep feeling bad every single minute. I never had happiness in my life so maybe I have too high expectations for it, but still..
If the meds don't help for your physical symptoms why would you take it anyway? Sometimes it isn't a wise idea to put a plaster on a open wound. But who knows I'm taking medicines again if things stay like things for much longer. I only stopped taking medicines 3 months ago. I might want to look into natural medicines. Natural supplements with no side affects attracts me more. I heard good stories about lavender oil.
Just because you took one med (or even 2) doesn't mean that none will work for you. I had to try 2 others before I found one that worked for me.
If you are determined not take meds though that is of course up to you. I wish you the best.