Feel like I'm going crazy. Please offer any advice!

Mental health
1

Hi everyone, I've just joined this website and this will be my first post so please bare with me if I take a while replying etc.

Ok so I'm 19 years old, and I'm currently being treated for depression. I take 200mg of sertraline every day and 30mg of propranalol for anxiety. I have been on this medication for about two years now. Even though I am young, I have had an awful lot of life experience that I am certain has contributed to my mental health issues. Just over three years ago my closest friend suddenly died, some time after that I began treatment for depression, and started seeing my psychotherapist who I have now been seeing for two years. I suffered from panic disorder for a while too, however I had CBT for that and that seemed to help quite a bit.

Just over a year ago, my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, with 1-2 years to live. It's safe to say that after losing my best friend, and still grieving for her, this was tortureous news. My doctor increased my medication at this point to 150mg, and just a few months ago it was increased to 200mg.

I have had a lot of moments, even weeks on end where I genuinely believed I was going insane. I thought I had some form of brain damage. For the past few weeks I have been googling nonstop, trying to put into words what is happening in my head, as I honestly feel like something is wrong. Seriously wrong.

What I try and convince myself is anxiety is haunting me. I'm not even sure if it is anxiety. I understand I am facing losing my mum, however as it has been a while I have had time to accept that. I am no longer in denial and feel as though I have made peace with it as much as I can in this situation. I understand however that it isn't a surprise I would feel anxious. However this doesn't feel like anxiety. It feels like i'm uneasy all of the time. Like something is very wrong. It doesn't ever go away, and sometimes I can't escape or distract myself from it. I feel like my IQ has dramatically dropped. I feel stupid. 

I have horrible intrusive thoughts, disgusting terrifying ones which I am too disturbed by to even go into. I can't even discuss them with my therapist. It is so difficult for me to put this into words. I have in the past researched bipolar disorder, as my mood does seem to shift. Sometimes I am so happy and can be at peace in myself. However the feeling of unease creeps back and knocks me off my feet. However when I researched bipolar, and discussed this with my therapist I found out that the mania is very very obvious and aparant, and he doesn't think I have this. 

Another thing I looked into was autism. I have suffered with dissasociation and derealisation/depersonalisation in the past (Which SERIOUSLY convinced me I was insane, most terrifying thing that's happened to me) and when I researched this, I read it was linked to autism, which scared me. I panicked about this, as I have noticed that I can no longer link things as easy in my brain. Like I'm slow, like the connections aren't working in my brain. But again, I don't fit in with the majority of other symptoms. 

I also have experience 'brain zaps' in the past, however this was mostly when I began my medication. This was actually what caused me to post this, as I had another tonight. It was completely out of the blue, I was walking down the street and felt like my brain had been electricuted. I heard a fuzzy noise in my ears and my eyes couldn't focus, and everything seemed bright. It only lasted half a second, but really disorientated me. 

Honestly I don't know what I'm expecting for from this post. It's so difficult to put into words how I feel. Something isn't right, something is off. I struggle to put into words exactly what is going on. This post is a lot of mumbo jumbo, I know that! I can't explain to my doctor in a ten minute apointment, and my therapist, as great as he is, hasn't actually experienced this. I guess what I'm looking for is just someone who can maybe relate to what I'm saying, or provide any insight into what is happening. I'm open to all suggestions haha. 

Thank you so much for reading!!

Paige

x

2

Do you have other close family you can lean on? You are going through a lot of terrible stuff love. these are  ig issues you have to deal with at sucha young age and i really hooe you some family there that are loving, supportive and there to help you.

3

hi i can really feel for you i suffer with depression, panic disorder severe anxiety and im also now an agorabhobic,  i lost my uncle in september and then my fiancee sadly and sudernly in December what ive learnt over the years is that it things like this will obviously trigger states of panic and the dark thoughts that you are having are part of your anxiety talk to your therapist and they will tell you anxiety attacks set off parts of the brain we dont really access also the upping of medication can affect your anxiety and unfortunatly brain fog tends to come with most anti des i am so sorry you are going through all this but remember you are not alone and your not going insane hope this helps take care 

4

Hi Paige,

I think this is all just part of the anxiety and depression. I too have a lot of problems similar to yours and the fuzzy moments you've been experiencing I also experience very often. I used to feel like you, I thought there was something way more serious than the things I'd been diagnosed with, I'm 21 soon and I'm only just really accepting that it is just the anxiety and depression. My anxiety was that bad a couple months back I was practically out of my body for over 2 weeks, all I could do was sit and stare into the distance or lie down and sleep constantly. Sometimes it does get real hard and confusing but don't worry. You are normal. What you've experienced is just a combination of the conditions you're already diagnosed with xx

5

Your ear buzzing may have been the start of a seizure but I am not fully convinced.

I lost a college friend and last grandparent when I was young and it was not nice for me either.  I think that your imagination is carrying you away regarding your IQ I am sure you are fine.  Distorted thoughts are a symptom of the schizophrenia group of illnesses.  I hope that helps you.

rich

6

Hi Paige,

You have completely described me in all but the depression. I had all your symptoms, brain zapp, dissociation, derealization, depersonalisation, horrible empty like feelings, a strange sort of panic, fuzzy brain, blurred vision, all of it. I would aslo see things in my peripheral vision but when I turned my head to get a proper look, there was nothing there. Here is a poem I wrote, if it helps:

Primordial Scream

Deep within my psyche lurks a primordial scream

It’s not my life I’m living, I’m trapped in someone’s dream

Some are quite contented wherever they may be

But me I yearn for something I just cannot quite see

I feel I should be doing, having, feeling, growing

But what that is exactly, keeps hiding from my knowing

It’s like a yearn for freedom, or a strange uneasy panic

And you know that it’s important so you’re feeling mildly manic

So I’m going through the motions like an actor in a sonnet

while I don’t know where the bus is but I know I must be on it

And life keeps marching forward every day, each week, each year

And I know I’m losing badly. It’s a hollow empty fear

But there’s no given directions, no guidance, route or map,

no precise instructions so the actor’s in a trap

There’s no way out, no way in, and decades more to go

If I never find the answers, it’s a pointless wasted show

Yet some are quite contented and don’t feel this at all

They just enjoy the moment and to them life is a ball

There’s nowhere they are going and don’t care where they’ve been

They fail to understand just why I’m lost within a dream

But is there really choice here? Where does peace begin?

What creates the yearning that swells and burns within?

Where’s the on/off button, the plug, the switch, the dial?

Is this my great performance or am I here on trial?

Terri Ann Laws

 

7

Hi Paige,

I hope that the other replies have encouraged you to stop thinking that you are abnormal or unitelligent - you sound like a very intuitive, articulate and switched-on young lady. It's understandable from your life experiences so far that you might be affected by some health anxiety issues yourself but try not to self-diagnose - leave it to the professionals. I wonder whether you have ever had any counselling or CBT - you might benefit from talking to someone. It's something of a cliche but it doesn't so much matter what happens to you in this life, but what's more important is how you deal with it. In other words, our attitude. Those of us who care deeply seem to be very prone to depression and it somehow disconnects us from our "normal" emotions. The brain often needs help (medication/therapy or a combination of treatments) to help us reconnect with our rational thoughts and characteristics. It doesn't seem as if medication on its own is helping you through your depression. The intrusive thoughts are very destructive (they take away any peace we might experience) but we often can't control them popping into our heads. However, we can learn to deal with them when they do pop into our heads. I just want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to hold on to the peace that does come to you at times. Also, I'm sure I don't need to say that each moment you have with your Mum is a precious gift. Many of us squander the time we have with loved ones and miss the chance to make the most of our time together. I wish you well and send you a big hug :-)