I am back. After a few years of Anxiety under control. Could use some help.

Mental health
1

If you look back at my previous post from a few years back you will be able to read I was in a dark place and had a few tough months. Long story short my doctor got me on Citalopram 20mg and after a few months I was back to my old self. Met a wonderful girl. Got Married. Had a beautiful baby. All is a very short period.Few anxiety blips but nothing crazy. 

Here is where things get tough. I went out 4 days ago and drank way too much and got so drunk I don't remember a single thing from the night. I was out with coworkers and don't remember a single thing. There were girls there and I keep telling myself that something happened with one of them. Since that morning my mind has been racing nonstop about what could have happened. Did i mess up my marriage for life. Did I mess up my career forever. I don't remember a single thing. Everyone says nothing happened but in my mind I just know something terrible is going to come out of it. 

Will this anxiety go away again if I just keep taking my pills. Do I need to up my dosage? I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow but just wanted to get some feedback from this group if they have ever had any type of horrible relapse and what they had to do to correct things.

2

Hi, I think you should hold on to your dosage until you speak to your doctor. Remember anxiety attacks what we care about the most - in your case it seems to be your marriage. You asked people and they told you that nothing has happened, do you trust these people? If you do, I think you should just try to ignore those thoughts. Think about it this way - no one said you did anything wrong, in fact people said you didn't! Stop obsessing about it and focus on your family instead. Once you take your mind off the problematic topic a bit, the thoughts will start fading. May I ask you of you are into any of the girls and that made you thinking that you did something or is it just random thought?

3

And I also meant to say to you that I think you need to look at your anxiety a bit different, as to me it looks like you want the anxiety to go away by just taking your meds. You need to look deeper in your problem, what caused the anxiety, how you deal with it. Unfortunately with meds the deal is that many times you need to keep topping up on your dosage because the body gets used to it. My GP tried to put me onto sertraline but I only took one tablet and I am glad now as I had to find alternative ways of fighting the anxiety. I started from me, my behaviours, my habits I developed throughout my life, CBT, forgiving myself for my past, letting go. I am still combating it but I can tell you that if you don't try to change the way you think now and have been before, then you will just rely on meds and when you give up your meds your anxiety will come back. I will look up your old post soon to get familiar with your history to see if there is anything jumping out on me and if I could advise based on my experience. Keep your chin up. You have a family that loves you, don't let the anxiety take it away from you!

4

Hi Sylwia- Thank you so much for the reply. My family and Marriage mean the most to me and I think I am worried that if I did do something that it would all crumble and I would lose everything. I do trust these people that nothing happened but I also feel like I have no idea. Everyone was really drunk so maybe no one remembers anything. Once I take my mind off it everything becomes clearer and I don't have anxiety. The problem is I work with these people so every time I see them I think what if I did do something with them. This starting up the thoughts and getting my mind racing. I am sure over time this will become less and less but I just can't stop feeling this way. I am not into any of the girls it is just a random thought but when I get drunk I think I can get a little flirty which is why my drinking is going to be put to an end.

5

Yadeed, you are more than welcome! I know the support is just so important and who can support better than people who know what you are going through! smile I am here if you need to talk. I had a very long response typed on my phone and internet dropped and I lost it so will type it all up again!

May I ask you what was the reason why your anxiety started? I had a look through your older posts and cannot see why, just when...

There is nothing wrong with you loving your family so much and thinking they are your everything. It is a great thing. Love them and cherish them every day! Of course you will worry that you may lose them, we all are afraid of that, whether it's our parents, kids, partners, siblings. That is fine. But then comes anxiety... Things that are normal become obsessive. I used to have an OCD when I was younger that I have to do things 5 times as that was the number of my closest family members - I thought if I don't do things in 5 someone from my family will die. Silly? Yes. Did anyone died because I didn't do something 5 times? NO!

Correct me if I am wrong but is your self esteem a bit low? Do you think you are a bad person if you flirt when after drink? Are you kicking yourself for it? I bet you do... I used to do it too. I was flirty even when sober... And I hated myself for it. I thought I was evil. But only knows it comes out to the light that I was doing all that because my ex was mentally abusing me for over 11 years...

To me it looks like your anxiety was given all the tools now to kick your ass because you cannot remember a thing from the party. You have no evidence you did something wrong, in fact you were told that you didn't. What are the chances you did something you shouldn't have? VERY small, 1%?? Less? Possibly ZERO. You asked people and they told you that you didn't do anything, you can't remember doing it, no one said to you that you did. I would suggest you go to work tomorrow and act normal, speak to people as you used to, don't be embarrassed or insecure, treat them like you used to. What your mind needs now is for you to prove it that nothing has happened and this will only happen when you will eventually able to convince it that everything is the same as it was 2 weeks ago say! Please know as well that how you feel now is normal, because you have anxiety. You will recover from it. I think that the way you feel now is the effect of a) overdrinking=hungover and b) alcohol wears off positive effects of medication (almost as if you didn't take it), so I think the combination of both made you feel so bad. This is one of the reasons why I only drink small bit and rarely now, as I am afraid of next day anxiety...

You are strong and you can do it, it shall pass too - this is only temporary feeling. Try to act in work tomorrow like you used to before the party, after few days your brain will cop on that nothing actually has happened. Defo NOT avoid them people tho, as you will get your anxiety going even more! Despite from anxiety try to do daily things, don't feed the anxiety.This can work miracles. But be patient, baby steps. One step at a time. And I would strongly advise to look deeper in your issues that led to anxiety as consciously combating anxiety is the best thing you can do for yourself.

6

Again I want to thank you for the response. Every time I read your comments my anxiety feels like it becomes a little less. I don’t really know what first caused my anxiety. I have always been a worry wart and I think I tend to just continue to think bad about things and build them up on my head that the most terrible thing will happen. I keep telling myself even if something didn’t happen at the party why couldn’t one of the girls says it did and bring me and my family down. It would be so easy for someone to say it did happen and then it’s my word vs them. I do feel like a bad person if I flirt. I have always wanted attention and to be wanted. So I tend to flirt to make me wanted. 

I do need to get my drinking under control as I tend to drink a lot to stop from being nervous. I usually can deal with the anxiety the next day but for some reason this once just kicked my butt. 

I am on Citalopram 20mg day. I am just hoping those kick back in and I haven’t done any serious damage. 

I just don’t know why all of a sudden the anxiety and worrying came back in full force. I was so happy in my life and had it call going for me and it can be ended with just one stupid night. 

7

Hi Yadeed!

Relax! You didn't do anything. Anxiety is a crazy mother fuc*** and can convince you that you've done the worst things! My sister once convinced herself that she ran over a homeless person..... when she obviously did not.

The best way to handle these thoughts is to THINK about them.... I know crazy right???? So here's how it works. You're probably telling yourself stop thinking about this, it's stupid I know nothing happened.... When you do this you force your mind to think about it more. The more you DON'T want to think about something, the more you think about it- it's just the nature of our minds. So think about it.... think about that night.... then slowly give yourself all the reasons it's ridiculous to think these thoughts...

Here's some reasons...

1. Even when you are blackout you would have known if anything significant happened, and you seem to really love your family and I don't think you would do anything to jeopardize them. 

2. Your friends say nothing happened. Even if they were drunk..... at least one of them probably would've realized if you did anything drastic.

3. You have a history of anxiety so the odds of this just being anxiety are that much higher. Think of a time that you had ridiculous anxiety and it turned out to be nothing.... that is probably what is happening here. 

Best,

Brianna

8

Hi Brianna- I appreciate your comment so much. That is very true. All I try do is forget about it. I just broke down to my wife and told her sorry for acting like this. I don’t cry often but I just did. I just can’t seem to get it out of my head that something happened and they just don’t want to tell me it did. I know you can usually remember things when blacked out but in this case I have no real idea. Maybe something did happen. What should I do then. I keep thinking something will come to light in 5 years and it will ruin me. 

9

Hi Yadeed, 

What did you wife say?? And I know it doesnt seem like it but you won't be fixated on this forever. The thing about anxiety and our brains is that we always find something else to worry about! You have a child and a wife who love and need you! That's all that matters right now. 

10

Wife said she is here for me and knows I am having a tough time. She doesn’t want me to feel like this and said I love you. I just am very emotional. I know they love me but all I can think about is hurting them. I appreciate the responses. Always helps me so much to talk to people. 

11

Hey Yadeed

Getting drunk is never good. Alcohol and drugs are never the solution to your Anxiety. Try to refrain from drinking again. Usually alot of the cheating I'm marriages either person was drunk etc. Anyways this is my sincere opinion. Things in you could of remembered something the other day I think. Truth will always come out at the end. Don't worry you don't know if something did happen. Just don't do it again. Wish you all the best! Take Care Yadeed💕🙌

Anxiety can cause so much excessive worry. Try to relax no one said anything happened. Hopefully it's true.

12

I understand you feel guilty people make bad choices when under the influence of alcohol. You probably think something did happen. Hence if the other person was also drunk maybe it could be the case. But I doubt it. You would probably have flashes of the memory in your mind. 

13

This happened to me. I was out and I got so drunk I thought I hit someone on the way home. I kept checking my car for dents or blood. But turns out it was just anxiety coming back.

14

Maybe it was a small rodent.🐀⬅Jk☺Lol

15

We are all in the same boat when it comes to anxiety, thinking about stuff soooo much and getting ourselves going. I'll give you an example - I went to chiropractor treatment 2 mnths ago. Something I have done loads of times last year. And after it the same eve I got in my head that she did damage to my spine, no reason whatsoever to think that but I did. It lead to a severe panic attack and 3 days after I remember zero from I was so bad. Stupid? Yes. It was stupid but nothing in the world could convince me I was fine. Only once few days passed I started to realise how silly it was to think that. I think you just need to give yourself time, I know easier said than done tho...

Re guilt - I was the same like you, feeling guilty over flirting, worse I even cheated on my ex few times just to look for acceptance and attention. Very extreme I know but only last week I realised what an as**ole he was and that he destroyed me as a person over so many years of abuse!!!! My guilts are gone for the first time in 7 years and I am feeling much better, anxiety levels dropped dramatically over it. That's why i always encourage people to look for the root cause and work on it. But Brianna is right - challenge your fear, ask questions, laugh it off, see how ridiculous those thoughts are. They wont go away but they will loose their power a bit. And I would also encourage you to speak to people in work as you used to, you will convince your brain eventually that nothing has changed for you. Prove it to yourself! Thinking of you this morning, I hope you will feel better very soon x

16

Thanks everyone once again for the words and encouragement. I know everyone has a lot going on in your lives so appreciate taking the time. 

Last night I felt a lot better. Anxiety was down and was able to fall asleep with only a few episodes of my mind running wild. Work up this morning and all the crazy thoughts and concerns flooded back and having a tough time this morning. Lots of worrying about what is going to happen and what if scenarios. Trying not to let them get to me. 

17

Yadeed, those things will happen, they come back like a bumerang... but at least you know now that you can feel better too. I am always lot better in the eves and mentioned it in another topic that apparently it's scientifically proven that people (esp with anxiety) feel at their worst in the mornings. I think the body scanning (do I feel ok or not) is what gets us worse. No easy way to fix it but we gotta kerp trying. Are you in work today? Did you get a chance to challenge your anxiety in work yet and talk to people there?

18

BTW glad to hear your felt better last night. Good night sleep is cruical! I can tell u that u will come out of it. It is a matter of time. I have been really bad in my life (suicidal thoughts) but I am coming out of it and without medication! And I am very close to come out of it fully now so it is doable!!!

19

I am not in work yet. I have a doctors appointment this morning to discuss with my doctor what is going on. I will probably go in this afternoon. Haven’t decided yet. 

20

Hi you may have blacked out on your night out however I am positive not everyone else did.Why would they not tell you? Your anxiety has kicked in and that is the problem you need to address.Antidepressants are not a cure so ask your doctor for a referral to talk to a councillor so you can learn to overcome your anxiety.